CrystalCastles Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 If a dude is hitting on you, is it presumptuous of you to say "I have a boyfriend"? I got hit on aggressively on the bus today. The dude asked me for my number, I deflected. He asked again, and insisted this time, and I was so flustered by his aggression that I gave him my number, my real one! I immediately told my boyfriend after this happened, with multiple apologies because I felt so bad that I didn't give the guy a fake number or tell him I'm taken. I used to not mind being hit on when I was single because hey! I was single! I certainly don't intend to contact the guy. My boyfriend reassured me that there is nothing to worry about, these things happen and he's not concerned. I feel like I could have handled the situation better though. I've read on here that using that line is bad. Some posters said that it makes a guy hit on you even more. And secondly some guys think that it makes you presumptuous and arrogant to assume that the guy hitting on you is interested in you. I honestly don't get this logic but I don't want to be made to be the bad person here so I really don't know what to do. I'm not even sure how common this thinking is, or if people get offended if you tell them you're unavailable (I know how much rage about that women get from men on here, at least).
gaius Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 I hope your boyfriend gave you some crap for that or he might be out soon and this guy might be in. It's not really presumptuous to say you have a boyfriend if he's blatantly hitting on you and asking for your number. Though if not giving him your number once didn't stop him I bet that wouldn't have either. You just have to learn to put your foot down, if it's really something you don't want. 1
loveweary11 Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 It's very normal to say you have a boyfriend. That should stop any non loser right in his tracks. Full on creeps and loser may benefit more from making the bitchiest "whatever" face you can and ignoring them. In short... who cares about someone's feelings if they can't take a polite "no?" 8
Els Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 The random-approach type of guy seems to slink away pretty quickly when I tell them I'm taken. I mean, if he asks for your NUMBER, it's pretty obvious he's hitting on you because people don't just ask strangers for their number to make friends. If it was a colleague or classmate-type scenario it would be a bit trickier because in that case there ARE valid non-romantic reasons for them to want to exchange numbers. 2
Maleficent Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Well considering you actually have a boyfriend, there's nothing wrong with using that line to ward off douchebags that won't take "no thank you" for answer. 'Hell I'm single and use it. I even have a fake wedding ring...
Auspecial Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 I've read on here that using that line is bad. Some posters said that it makes a guy hit on you even more. And secondly some guys think that it makes you presumptuous and arrogant to assume that the guy hitting on you is interested in you. I honestly don't get this logic but I don't want to be made to be the bad person here so I really don't know what to do. I'm not even sure how common this thinking is, or if people get offended if you tell them you're unavailable (I know how much rage about that women get from men on here, at least). CrystalCastles: Yes, that's exactly it....on here, on sites like this, there is a lot more negativity overall than is in real life. At any given time, you will have people, both men and women, responding to questions based upon their own experiences or experiences of people they know or have read about. I feel like what you get here, is mostly subjective responses and also some objective responses. Some people are more or less empathetic than others, and some are more or less experienced with certain life situations than others. Also sometimes the time of day can make a difference as far as who is "around" and active on the boards. So my simple advice is to not let this place be your end-all for advice. To me, this is a place you may come to check your second-guesses in life. If the answers don't feel right or you don't feel any peace at all, re-phrase the question again later. If people start acting in a herd-mentality, then try a different venue to help yourself with your question. Back to your original question: If a guy asks for your number smile and say no. He gets it, trust me. If he keeps pushing, you now know that he knows you are uncomfortable and he doesn't care about that. Thus he does not respect you. So now you can either turn away and completely ignore him, or say NO!. He will get that, too. I hope you will allow yourself to have the power to say NO to people who insist their needs/wants are more important than yours, when that is absolutely not true at all. 5
Auspecial Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 In short... who cares about someone's feelings if they can't take a polite "no?" Exactly. I wouldn't want this controlling negativity anywhere near me. 1
Author CrystalCastles Posted May 20, 2015 Author Posted May 20, 2015 Thank you all for the lovely responses! I hope your boyfriend gave you some crap for that or he might be out soon and this guy might be in. That would never happen. I've had no shortage of men hit on me before, and only one out of the ones who showed an interest became my boyfriend. I have no intention for leaving him for some random I just met. My boyfriend didn't give me any crap, I certainly didn't ask to be hit on and it made me pretty uncomfortable. It's very normal to say you have a boyfriend. That should stop any non loser right in his tracks. Full on creeps and loser may benefit more from making the bitchiest "whatever" face you can and ignoring them. In short... who cares about someone's feelings if they can't take a polite "no?" I think the problem that I'm worried about is the fallout. I am kind of afraid that these guys would then freak out. I think Auspecial hit the nail on the head- I don't talk to anyone about dating so I don't really know how most people feel about it, and about rejection besides what goes on on loveshack. If guys IRL take it the way they on here take it, that would freak me out. I don't want someone yelling at me because I didn't want to give them my number. I know I need to work on standing my ground more. The problem is, me and this guy were having a lighthearted conversation about a book I was reading. He made some jokes and I laughed, and he asked some questions so I answered them. I thought I was being friendly but he might have thought I was being flirty which was definitely not my intent. So I'm not sure, maybe I did something to invite this attention? It was certainly unintentional. 1
anna121 Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Can you not just say "Sorry, but I'd rather not"? I mean, these are perfect strangers right? If you don't have the wherewithal to refuse to give one of them your number... you might need to take more care about striking up conversations with them when you are out on your own. 2
almond Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 I've never read or heard that it's not a good idea to say that you have a boyfriend till now. It's the truth, I'm friendly and polite about it, and if some random doesn't like it - absolutely not my problem. I do have a boyfriend, and if someone is hitting on me, I let them know this very quickly! Why beat around the bush and waste anyone's time? I get the presumptuous thing...but that doesn't deter me. I had a guy offer to buy me a drink while I was out on Saturday. My response? "I have a boyfriend, thank you though!" I smiled and was very polite about it. He then gets a bit butthurt and explains that all he wanted was to buy me a drink blah blah. Guy, please, this isn't my first rodeo If a guy is hitting on me, advising them that I'm taken is the easiest way I've found to handle it. The large majority handle this fine, smile and say "no worries." I feel it's the option that is most respectful to my relationship, and it closes the door to even light flirting. 2
minime13 Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 If a dude is hitting on you, is it presumptuous of you to say "I have a boyfriend"? I got hit on aggressively on the bus today. The dude asked me for my number, I deflected. He asked again, and insisted this time, and I was so flustered by his aggression that I gave him my number, my real one! I immediately told my boyfriend after this happened, with multiple apologies because I felt so bad that I didn't give the guy a fake number or tell him I'm taken. I used to not mind being hit on when I was single because hey! I was single! I certainly don't intend to contact the guy. My boyfriend reassured me that there is nothing to worry about, these things happen and he's not concerned. I feel like I could have handled the situation better though. I've read on here that using that line is bad. Some posters said that it makes a guy hit on you even more. And secondly some guys think that it makes you presumptuous and arrogant to assume that the guy hitting on you is interested in you. I honestly don't get this logic but I don't want to be made to be the bad person here so I really don't know what to do. I'm not even sure how common this thinking is, or if people get offended if you tell them you're unavailable (I know how much rage about that women get from men on here, at least). He's straight-up hitting on you. When a guy asks a complete stranger for her number, and keeps insisting after she declines, he is coming on to her. This is one of those circumstances where it is completely okay to say, I have a boyfriend. Actually, any time a guy is coming on strong it's okay to say that. That sets boundaries. If he can't accept boundaries being set based on his behavior, that's his problem. 1
Mrlonelyone Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 It is not presumptuous at all. However there is no guarantee it will stop anyone from doing anything. Look at the marriage infidelity board...if that ring does not stop some people a mere BF/GF won't. Then there are numerous stories of people who met while they were dating other people and ended up married. My personal experience. My last serious ex gave me a version of that line "just started seeing someone". I initially backed off but then she came clean on not having a boyfriend and reciprocated my interest. We had 9 mostly good months. It is stories like that which make the "I have a boyfriend/husband" line not 100% effective at face value. If you want someone to leave you alone on the bus just say no, keep saying no, be loud and assertive about saying no. . You have the power to keep unwanted attention away because you don't want anything to do with them. You don't need to rely on having a boyfriend. 2
loveweary11 Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 (edited) I think the problem that I'm worried about is the fallout. I am kind of afraid that these guys would then freak out. I think Auspecial hit the nail on the head- I don't talk to anyone about dating so I don't really know how most people feel about it, and about rejection besides what goes on on loveshack. If guys IRL take it the way they on here take it, that would freak me out. I don't want someone yelling at me because I didn't want to give them my number. I know I need to work on standing my ground more. The problem is, me and this guy were having a lighthearted conversation about a book I was reading. He made some jokes and I laughed, and he asked some questions so I answered them. I thought I was being friendly but he might have thought I was being flirty which was definitely not my intent. So I'm not sure, maybe I did something to invite this attention? It was certainly unintentional. Honestly? Don't talk to strange guys on the bus when you have a boyfriend. This will always be the result. The best response would have been a disinterested "I haven't read it" followed by a lot of disinterest. If you chose that path, you wouldn't ever have to worry about the "i have a boyfriend" part, since it wouldn't come up. Edited May 20, 2015 by loveweary11 4
elaine567 Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 If you show disinterest, that usually stops any confusion, apart from those that will not take no for an answer. If you feel threatened and uncomfortable, tell someone on the bus or even the bus driver. If you do wish to engage with men in public places, like on the bus in a friendly way, and do not want to take anything further, then you have to be comfortable with turning men down, as they WILL often get the idea you are interested in dating them. Be assertive, and do NOT give them your real number or tell them personal details about your life, ie where you live. 1
Toodaloo Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 If you show disinterest, that usually stops any confusion, apart from those that will not take no for an answer. If you feel threatened and uncomfortable, tell someone on the bus or even the bus driver. If you do wish to engage with men in public places, like on the bus in a friendly way, and do not want to take anything further, then you have to be comfortable with turning men down, as they WILL often get the idea you are interested in dating them. Be assertive, and do NOT give them your real number or tell them personal details about your life, ie where you live. and talk about your boyfriend in conversation... Seriously - why hide him? Do you want to cheat on him or find someone better? If not then there is no reason at all why you wouldn't mention him in conversation. Those who say don't use it as an excuse are giving what is known as BAD ADVICE. Any man who continues to hit on a girl after she has pointed out that she is taken is what is known as a sleaze. It is possible to have normal and polite conversation with the opposite sex with out exchanging number etc. I do it all the time. 3
elaine567 Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 It is possible to have normal and polite conversation with the opposite sex with out exchanging number etc. I do it all the time. Yes, it is perfectly possible to show interest in the conversation, and make it clear that it is JUST a friendly conversation at the same time. Often there is no need to fend off would-be suitors, as they get the point clearly anyway. If they do not get the right signals to act on them, the majority of men will not even try, and who could blame them? 3
Toodaloo Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Yes, it is perfectly possible to show interest in the conversation, and make it clear that it is JUST a friendly conversation at the same time. Often there is no need to fend off would-be suitors, as they get the point clearly anyway. If they do not get the right signals to act on them, the majority of men will not even try, and who could blame them? You can't blame or chastise them for trying at all! Just the same as they can't blame or chastise us if roles were reversed. However I don't see why 2 people can not have a conversation that is enjoyable and pleasant on a bus or in a line waiting to be served and for it just to be that. Personally I would have found a way to bring my significant other into conversation and praise him in some way. That would have made it clear that I am in a relationship and am happy. Why should women have to hide their other halves if they are in a relationship? Smacks of hiding something to me. Also any man who gets the hump with a woman simply because she is already attached has problems that he needs to sort out. It is that simple.
MissBee Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 (edited) If a dude is hitting on you, is it presumptuous of you to say "I have a boyfriend"? I got hit on aggressively on the bus today. The dude asked me for my number, I deflected. He asked again, and insisted this time, and I was so flustered by his aggression that I gave him my number, my real one! I immediately told my boyfriend after this happened, with multiple apologies because I felt so bad that I didn't give the guy a fake number or tell him I'm taken. I used to not mind being hit on when I was single because hey! I was single! I certainly don't intend to contact the guy. My boyfriend reassured me that there is nothing to worry about, these things happen and he's not concerned. I feel like I could have handled the situation better though. I've read on here that using that line is bad. Some posters said that it makes a guy hit on you even more. And secondly some guys think that it makes you presumptuous and arrogant to assume that the guy hitting on you is interested in you. I honestly don't get this logic but I don't want to be made to be the bad person here so I really don't know what to do. I'm not even sure how common this thinking is, or if people get offended if you tell them you're unavailable (I know how much rage about that women get from men on here, at least). I think people mean it's presumptuous if a man just starts talking to you and you blurt that out BEFORE knowing if he is hitting on you or is just being friendly. However, you described this situation as aggressively hitting on you to the point of being flustered enough to give your number, I mean..... How can it be presumptuous? You didn't presume anything. You already realized he was hitting on you and also in your case you do really have a bf, so it's not just a line, so nothing is wrong with that. Crystal, I'm a little surprised at this post based on advice you give other people. You have a right to decide who you want to give your number to or not and if you are not single then how is it a question that you should be frank that you're taken? Who cares if the person is offended? How can you be the the bad person? If they can't take a polite no thanks I'm taken, that's not your fault and it's certainly better than living your life giving out your number when you're actually taken and not interested just to not be "offensive" or "the bad person." While it is possible you may have a random guy who freaks out, the majority will not freak out or react badly. I haven't had that happen. I've had men hit on me in the streets react badly when I just ignore them, precisely one actually, not men just one if I'm being accurate, but someone who has actually come up to me and talked and hit on me and I said I had a bf, no. They may have still insisted or pulled the" well we can be friends" line but none of them got enraged or freaked out or anything, so I think you may be unnecessarily worried . Edited May 20, 2015 by MissBee
Gaeta Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 I don't understand why you worry about hurting or aggravating some stranger's feelings. 'No thank you I have a boyfriend' is not impolite or rude. Any man trying to pursue you harder after you told him you have a boyfriend is an idiot looking to get punched in the face. I don't believe having a boyfriend makes you more appealing. 1
I_Squared_R Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 The problem is, me and this guy were having a lighthearted conversation about a book I was reading. He made some jokes and I laughed, and he asked some questions so I answered them. I thought I was being friendly but he might have thought I was being flirty which was definitely not my intent. So I'm not sure, maybe I did something to invite this attention? It was certainly unintentional. Are you sure the guy wasn't genuinely interested in the book you were reading and is an avid reader? There is nothing wrong with being friendly with people unless of course his intentions were absolutely clear. I just like to give the man benefit of the doubt and I think the better way to say "I have a BF" is to say "You would get along great with my bf!" That would surely stop him dead in his tracks and you don't seem stand offish to him. You and your boyfriend could potentially meet a new group of friends which is also a win-win for your single friends. Orrr you could just ignore more advances if the guy is creepy - either way the previous phrase disarms them pretty quick.
Satu Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Only last week I told somebody, "Sorry, I don't want to have a conversation with you." He walked off looking slightly embarrassed, but I got to read my book in peace. 2
Redhead14 Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 If a dude is hitting on you, is it presumptuous of you to say "I have a boyfriend"? I got hit on aggressively on the bus today. The dude asked me for my number, I deflected. He asked again, and insisted this time, and I was so flustered by his aggression that I gave him my number, my real one! I immediately told my boyfriend after this happened, with multiple apologies because I felt so bad that I didn't give the guy a fake number or tell him I'm taken. I used to not mind being hit on when I was single because hey! I was single! I certainly don't intend to contact the guy. My boyfriend reassured me that there is nothing to worry about, these things happen and he's not concerned. I feel like I could have handled the situation better though. I've read on here that using that line is bad. Some posters said that it makes a guy hit on you even more. And secondly some guys think that it makes you presumptuous and arrogant to assume that the guy hitting on you is interested in you. I honestly don't get this logic but I don't want to be made to be the bad person here so I really don't know what to do. I'm not even sure how common this thinking is, or if people get offended if you tell them you're unavailable (I know how much rage about that women get from men on here, at least). You deflected his request for your number and he persisted with unwanted attention. You do not have to manage your response according to "rules". You simply tell him you will not give him your number and you would appreciate it if you could enjoy the bus ride in quiet and move to another seat if possible. End of story. If he persists further, you call the situation to the attention of the bus driver or you take out your phone and type in 911 and show it to him. This is a stranger, you don't owe him anything or worry about offending him. 1
Satu Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 I must confess that when I was a less confident person, I did give give my phone number, with one digit changed a couple of times, just to get rid of someone. I would never do that now, though. Silly me.
Toodaloo Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 I must confess that when I was a less confident person, I did give give my phone number, with one digit changed a couple of times, just to get rid of someone. I would never do that now, though. Silly me. Are there not those phone numbers you can give people that when they ring them it goes through to a "not on your nelly" type message...? 1
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