katiemiller Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 Long story short, my ex and I dated for 7 months and when things were good, they were great but when things were bad, they were awful. We got along great and have the same sense of humor. I am so attracted to him physically, but more so mentally. He didn't treat me the best though. There were two times that he stood me up for dates and didn't talk to me for a week. I forgave him. There were times were he would go a day or two without texting me, and I forgave him. The more he ignored me, the more I wanted him. I did go crazy sometimes with texting and always questioned his desire to be with me. He never complimented me and always let me set up plans. When we fought, he would shut me out and avoid me. The breaking point was when I found out he was on a dating app and set up a date with a girl I knew in college. He promises he never cheated and that he had no intentions of going, it was more an ego boost. I was crushed and he didn't even make an effort to fix things. He just told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship and that I wasn't "the fun carefree girl he met in the beginning". I tried to be but I was always axious and waiting on him to cancel or leave me because that was his past behavior. The problem is now, a week after breaking up, I am blaming myself. I tried so hard to be fun and I always tried to look my best and made sure we had enough sex. I just wish I could go back and not be so clingy and more fun. I know this was an unhealthy relationship, especially because I had never felt that insecure before. I am truly in love with him and I don't know why. How do I stop blaming myself for this?
aloneinaz Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 It's a choice to say "I'm not blaming myself".. Now, read what you wrote about how he treated you. If it was someone elses thread that you just read, wouldn't you say to yourself "gurl, WTH? How or why would you put up with that"? So, he comes back tomorrow. Promises he'll do better and you get back together. How long till all the same BS reappears? You know it wouldn't be long. If you did make some mistakes (like everyone does), learn from them and don't repeat them in your next relationship. In the mean time, vanish from his life. Block him from social media, your phone, etc. If he contacts you, ignore him. Don't be his floor mat. He clearly had all the power in that relationship and i'm sure feels he can come and go in your life as he pleases. Slam the door shut. You'll get your respect back and feel more empowered at the same time. 2
Meli22 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 You're blaming yourself because of the things that HE did to make you feel this way. Think of it this way... If you'd of not "changed" then he still probably would of left, or at least sparked something off with someone else. Why? Because he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. He told you this himself, and his behaviour spoke the same way. Him blaming you in some way could be a way of shifting blame for his own commitment issue. Who knows. Blaming yourself is only natural after the end of a relationship. If only I did this or that, totally normal ways of thinking. But honestly, it wouldn't of changed the outcome much and if he'd of stuck around I could bet my bottom dollar you'd of become unhappy about the situation in some way. 1
SLee Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 My ex did crappy things to me for weeks after the break up and literally blamed me for everything. In turn I blamed myself and became this miserable wreck who continued to allow him to hurt me emotionally over and over. Once I got sick of feeling like a doormat and emotional punching bag, I looked analytically at the situation and the relationship and saw that it wasn't my fault and I was blaming myself for him hurting me, which makes no sense because he's an adult and he made choices that hurt me. He can't blame me for that since I didn't hold a gun to his head. THAT'S when I started to get better. When I took responsibility for mistakes I made in the relationship (I wasn't perfect) and forgave myself, but stopped blaming myself for the stuff he did. My point is, try to step back from your emotions for a minute. And go over how he treated you and how it made you feel. Look at his actions. Those are his fault, his choice. This is not your fault. The more he ignored you, the more you wanted him part is a sign of some insecurity, but with the way he was treating you, I really don't blame you. This guy is a total turd. As for him saying you're not "fun and carefree" or whatever, I can't imagine anyone would be in a situation like that. And there's a difference between having fun and being carefree in an exclusive relationship and then just letting your partner walk all over you, ignore you, and do whatever they want. He expected you to be totally chill with his disrespectful behavior. Like I said, this guy's a turd. What's good is that you know the relationship was unhealthy. It's okay that you still love him right now, you're not alone. Let yourself feel what you need to feel. And in the the future, never try to pander 100% to a partner's needs and try to fit their picture of an ideal partner. It never works.
na49 Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 First, you should realize how normal it is to blame yourself after someone breaks up with you. I also blamed myself a lot at the end of my relationship (both times she dumped me), but something that has helped is when I realized that I never could have done enough. I did a lot for my ex, but she always expected more. You did as much as you could in your relationship, and no matter how much you like to think you could have done everything to make him happy, you really couldn't. Also, he had all of the power in your relationship. Not talking to you for weeks? That's messed up. You "loved" him because you couldn't have him. I think that you'll love someone who you can have a lot more though.
Author katiemiller Posted May 20, 2015 Author Posted May 20, 2015 Thanks everyone. I think these are all things I knew, it's just hard to face them because I wanted things to work out because as I said, when things were good they were great. I know I'll be better off without him, it's just hard now and hard to think about him with someone else who, in the beginning, will be that same fun girl I used to be with him. I tried my hardest to be fun again, but there was just something also erking me and toward the end, i was all at afraid to open up, relax and be fun because I felt vulnerable.
SLee Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Vulnerability, being vulnerable to another person is a huge part of a relationship, but it has to be on both ends. If someone is just stringing you along like this and not giving anything back, that's where the problems start. You end up trying to be everything to that person, and they feed off of that. You're plenty fun as you are. You needed the stability and security, which he didn't give you.
Author katiemiller Posted May 21, 2015 Author Posted May 21, 2015 I'm trying. But the words "you weren't as fun as you were when we first met" and "I just want things to be simple and easy" keel popping up. Some days I'm fine and other days, I feel as though I should have just kept my mouth shut or not have overacted and then he'd still be here and I wouldn't be in pain. Now I just imagine him out with a fun girl who isn't going to worry and have the same anxiety I did. I'm having a hard time processing this because I've never been this crazy in a relationship or a breakup.
Meli22 Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 Ignore what he said. If he wanted to be with you, he would look past these "faults." He did things to make you feel insecure. Flip this round, if he hadnt of been such an a** then YOU wouldn't of felt this way. Regards to the new girl (if there even is one), she may be care free at first, everybody is. But when things get serious and she shows her darker sides, he will probably run then too. He wants an easy life with no drama. Sounds like a flake to me, runs when things get tough. Good luck to him, he will struggle to find a deep meaningful relationship without any kind of negativity at all.
Author katiemiller Posted May 21, 2015 Author Posted May 21, 2015 Thanks Meli, that helped a lot. The one thing I don't get is that he was in two very serious and long relationships. The last one he bought her everything, posted everything on Instagram, declared her his girlfriend, went on trips together, lived together and even got a tattoo for her. When I asked why he didn't want that with me, he said "well look how far all of that got me". I'm not sure if he's scared to love again but I wish he would have just told me in the beginning.
Strength in Healing Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 ...when things were good, they were great but when things were bad, they were awful. I've dropped by this thread to say, the mass majority of the time that people say this, it turns out the person they were with was borderline. Believe me, I had to study borderline (and the other cluster disorders) extensively, and this was one thing most of the case studies had in common. That quote.
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