Lola2609 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 (edited) Here is my story. The "relationship" lasted for more then a year and it is a bit long but I have to include every detail. We met in 2013 as I worked part time as a bartender. I had a lot of guys flirting with me while he was an introvert, not good -looking and no one really knew anything about him. I had a bf at that time. Well, he asked me out, I accepted and told him I broke up with my bf. It turned out he is very smart, confident but also (his words) f*cked up. We were going out the whole summer (sex wasnt involved till after three months) and it felt great. One night he told me he is not good in relationships and he hurts people. Then he dropped another hint that my ex bf was a better choice and that I should walk away from him As fast as I can. Sept 2013 He asked my best friend to help him buy me a bday present. I got some nice earrings. OCT-NOV 2013 I got upset over a girl he used to like and is still friends with her so after all the fights we saw each other only 3 times in two months. Also, I wasnt sure if we were in a relationship or not. DEC 2013 We started seeing each other again and he tried harder (opened up more about his life, his past), got me a Christmas present. JAN 2014 He caught me texting at 3am and got really upset. (I wasnt doing anything wrong but he didnt believe). After that he told me that he is out of his limits and he cannot be in a relationship anyway so we should stop seeing each other. I tried to change his mind but accepted it in the end. FEB 2014 He says he missed me and want to see me. I said no and it took him three months of trying, begging, doing anything to see me. In May we started seeing each other again and he was even better to me (perfect actually) but when asked about the relationship he said he cant be with anyone right now. Some of the things he said that are still confusing me: "I have feelings for you". I care a lot about you, i like you. You are as good as I can get. What happened between us looks like a miracle but it feels good bc i know i made it happen"... etc He was also very supportive in these months as I was going through something difficult. Anyway, I got tired of all uncertainity and told him I cant anymore. His reply was that he cant be in a relationship now but never said so for the future. Then when he accepted end he said "damn it, nothing else makes sense anymore". That is exactly how i felt (that sentence really moved me). Now it's been almost a year since break up and I am still not over him. He texted me few times just to ask how I am doing and the last time he even said maybe we will cross paths sometime soon (Sounds like he wanted to asked to meet me). My question is "why was he acting this way? Was he just not that into me?" I know he has low self esteem (now i do too thanks to him), He was hurt and cheated in the past. I did jump from one relationship to another and I did have a lot of guys flirting with me but I was only in love with him. And to add that he was always super sweet: bringing me medicine when I was sick, cooking and bringing me eveb meals as I dont cook, saving the parking spot in front of my building and waiting for me to come from wherever I was. Edited May 19, 2015 by Lola2609
Author Lola2609 Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 I know this is a long post. But please if you have the time read it. i really need some insight.
Meli22 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 I'm not surprised that your head is a mess. It's so hard to say why all of this happened. What jumps out at me was that he was cheated on/hurt in the past. Sometimes people self sabotage relationships because they are afraid of getting hurt. Maybe this was the problem. I don't doubt that he was into but, I think this relationship would have been a mess in the long haul because of his uncertainties. My ex too, was unsure about something towards the end. He didn't know what, but our relationship fell apart because of this uncertainty that he had but couldn't pin point. I think whatever the answer is, which nobody except him will know, you did the right thing. He may have been perfect at times but you deserve somebody who is sure about you and doesn't leave you hanging. 2
aloneinaz Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 I'm not sure what you're looking for in advice? From an outsiders perspective, you had a highly dysfunctional, UN-healthy relationship. It ended a year ago. Maybe you just haven't meet anyone that's rocked your world yet? Going back to that relationship would be good how? What would really change? You're much better off in my opinion to keep looking for a better fit for you that doesn't include all the drama and toxicity. 1
Author Lola2609 Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 I guess am looking for the answer "why". What was I to him? Why couldn't he be with me. The reason is I feel pretty worthless, no self-confidence. I met a gorgeous guy, he is interested but I am not really and I have the feeling that I am not good enough for him anyway and that he will end up hurting me. I guess I need the answers to move on or get over it somehow.
aloneinaz Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 I guess am looking for the answer "why". What was I to him? Why couldn't he be with me. The reason is I feel pretty worthless, no self-confidence. I met a gorgeous guy, he is interested but I am not really and I have the feeling that I am not good enough for him anyway and that he will end up hurting me. I guess I need the answers to move on or get over it somehow. You can't expect nor do you really need a "why" or "did I mean anything to him".. Most of the time when you do get an answer at a break up, it's simply BS and not the truth anyway. If you talk to any therapist, they will say the same thing. Ask me how I know. You lived that relationship, no one here did. It wasn't healthy nor do I suspect you would have stuck in it if it continued down that path. You should feel good in knowing it was a lousy relationship. Many on this site have GREAT relationships with no problems and got dumped out of left field. It happens and everyone survives and moves on. There's risk all over this thing we called life. Risk that we can be fired from our job. That our spouse will leave us for the UPS guy/gal. You can't be afraid to get back on your bike when you crash. My GF went through a horrible break up w/her last BF. We were together about a month and enjoyed a great road trip and stopped to pick apples. She said something that I'll never forget. We were walking towards the car after picking the apples. She said "ya know, days like this make going thru all the BS of bad relationships worth it.."
todreaminblue Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 this says it all to me.... you are as good as i can get its condescending..i dotn fidn it funny or sweet or in any way positive....meaning or translation when something better comes along i am out of here......i would rather be told you are too good for me which is really a platitude of sorts.........but a nicer one.....than you are as good as i can get..if a guy said to me.....you are as good as i can get....i would say ...no i am not keep looking.....i am not right for you because i am now, not at all good for you......because i will remember that you said that you are with me because you dont think you can get better..i will remember when you are late for a date or when you seem preoccupied..and i would wish him well finding the one who is better for him than me...........deb
Satu Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 I guess am looking for the answer "why". What was I to him? Why couldn't he be with me. The reason is I feel pretty worthless, no self-confidence. I met a gorgeous guy, he is interested but I am not really and I have the feeling that I am not good enough for him anyway and that he will end up hurting me. I guess I need the answers to move on or get over it somehow. You will find most of the answers you seek here.
Author Lola2609 Posted May 20, 2015 Author Posted May 20, 2015 this says it all to me.... you are as good as i can get its condescending..i dotn fidn it funny or sweet or in any way positive....meaning or translation when something better comes along i am out of here......i would rather be told you are too good for me which is really a platitude of sorts.........but a nicer one.....than you are as good as i can get..if a guy said to me.....you are as good as i can get....i would say ...no i am not keep looking.....i am not right for you because i am now, not at all good for you......because i will remember that you said that you are with me because you dont think you can get better..i will remember when you are late for a date or when you seem preoccupied..and i would wish him well finding the one who is better for him than me...........deb I know what you mean. I was overanalysing this sentence over and over again but my friends convinced me that he just didnt express him in the best way. He only meant I am the best he can ever hope to be with (friends said so). Not sure if such a low self esteem was just a BS too.
SLee Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 My best friend is in a similar situation so I'm going to do my best to tell you what I've been telling her. This guy is not prepared to be in a relationship with ANYONE, so don't beat yourself up as to why he couldn't be with you. This would have happened to anyone he was with. My friend has lost a lot of her self confidence over it. I know it hurts, but it ended a year ago. You need to focus on your life and on yourself. Build your confidence back up. Leave this guy in the past where he belongs. He's no help to you, and wondering all the "whys" about it isn't going to help you move forward.
Author Lola2609 Posted May 20, 2015 Author Posted May 20, 2015 You see that is the difficult one. If he really cannot be with anyone or that us just that he hasn't felt strong about me (your friend). He once told me "Can you be in a relationship and not be fully commited?" Is it he cant feel fully committed to me? And when the right person comes by.... After the break up he told me even when he meets someone and I am maybe married, I will still be his special girl. Acccording to many posts, I read here this is just anothee big BS line. Not sure why guys use it though.
LostHorizons42 Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Commitment issues. It wasn't you--it was him, and he will probably be like this with anyone until he gets therapy. You should feel good he kept coming back and trying...and made an effort...but what people with commitment issues tend to do is they pull back when they get close--mistrust surfaces, the hurt of past relationships surfaces (maybe some bad relationship in the past crushed his self-esteem, or there's some childhood issue); then it sounds like he ended some relationships (hurt people). Hence the feeling he's just not good at relationships/commitment. From what I've read, it sounds like maybe he's fearfully avoidant in attachment. You could be his friend if you're not in a committed relationship and try to make him conscious of these patterns; convince him he won't be hurt--but that might be a long haul and it might be unhealthy for you--as you can't be his full-time therapist and you deserve your own happiness.
xUnknown Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 I'm not surprised that your head is a mess. It's so hard to say why all of this happened. What jumps out at me was that he was cheated on/hurt in the past. Sometimes people self sabotage relationships because they are afraid of getting hurt. Been there done that. This was the first thing I thought of as well. He loves you, cares about you, wants to be with you.. but is afraid of getting hurt. This is his problem, but, you could try to help him through it...by being supportive and reinforcing the fact that you won't hurt him.
LostHorizons42 Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Been there done that. This was the first thing I thought of as well. He loves you, cares about you, wants to be with you.. but is afraid of getting hurt. This is his problem, but, you could try to help him through it...by being supportive and reinforcing the fact that you won't hurt him. Yes. Sounds like he was cheated on/hurt...and so then sabotaged other relationships and hurt people. You could try being supportive/being his friend--but...if this has already damaged your own self-esteem, it may not be worth further emotional investment. -
Author Lola2609 Posted May 20, 2015 Author Posted May 20, 2015 Thank you guys for your replies. It makes me feel better if it wasn't me and if he actually had some strong feel8ngs for me (as selfish as it is). I am not really in touch with him ( only few texts in 9 months). I also got busy with my life, with school and job and I am scared to see him again. Not sure if he wants to see me either. On the other hand, I just can't move on. The chemistry between us, I dont think I will ever feel it again with someone else.
Author Lola2609 Posted May 22, 2015 Author Posted May 22, 2015 I have another question. Do yo think he would like to see me? When he texted me last time (he saw my pic from the hospital and texted to ask if everything is ok). I was out of town and after few texts he said "ok, maybe we will cross paths when you are back". Does it mean he would like to see me but since I ended everything he just wont ask or that is just saying.
Meli22 Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 If he wanted to see you that much I'm sure he would ask. Seeing him won't help you in any way, don't let him mess your head up even more
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