First date since the ex

[crazyyetsane]

So, last night was my first date since the breakup w/ my ex 5 months ago. This guy is great- he's really funny, easy to talk to, and we just hit it off. The only problem is, I'm still in love with my ex and I miss him like crazy. I know I need to move on and keep an open mind about this guy, but it's just so hard because I keep comparing him to my ex and it's bringing out a lot of unresolved feelings and hurt that I've been trying to get over these past few months. I know a lot of people will say that you really shouldn't date until you're over your ex and ready to move on, but I think right now I'm as over him as I'll ever be. What I had w/ the ex was incredibly special, and we ended on a really bad note, and are just in two different places right now. He has a new girlfriend and it kills me, and though I intellectually realize that there's probably no way we could ever get back together, I still can't emotionally let go. What I'm wondering is, has anyone out there gone through something like this and had the situation work out for the best? (meaning you ended up falling for the new guy and forgetting about the ex). Or has anyone found that trying to date someone else turned out to be a mistake? Also, does anyone have any tips on how I could enjoy the company of the new guy w/out having to let go of the little, tiny microscopic hope that one day I could be with my ex again? Because right now, that hope is all I'm living for and I can't even begin to think about giving it up. Please help. ANy advice would be greatly appreciated.

[BrotherAaron]

If you ask me, step one would be to let go of that tiny little microscopic grain of hope that you could get back with your ex that you say your living for. That's the problem, really. So many of us refuse to go on with our lives because we're stuck on this "hope."

 

I'd say two different things could be possible. You might realize that you really like this new guy and that being with him makes it to where you don't care about your ex, or you might not be able to have a relationship with him because your stuck on your ex. I'd recommend talking to him (briefly) about the ex so he knows that your dealing with it. He might be just the right guy to sweep you off your feet when you thought you would never meet another person again.

[iwishiknewthen]

i read something very interesting lately. i wish i could remember the name of the book. anyway, it talks about how the brain works when getting stuck thinking about someone. most of us get stuck because things didnt make sense to us.

in other words read this:

 

joe had a good personality

joe was generous

joe visited a lot with his grandmother

joe made people laugh alot

joe killed his cat

joe always called people on time

joe was a good artist

 

 

ok what do you remember most about joe? most will say that he killed his cat. why? because its not in line with the rest of what joe seems to be about. when someone makes us feel loved and then we dream of a relationship with them and then they tell us they love us and then severed the relationship, our brains try to automatically make sense of it. whcih in turn makes us keep thinking about them. well we think of them for all kinds of reasons but the loss isnt supposed to fit in there. thats how we get stuck.

 

anyway i forget the rest of what i read lol. but maybe joe ran over his cat with the car by accident when he backed out of his garage or maybe there was some good reason. but the pain and shock of something that doesnt seem to fit remains with us. and we want to fix it and make it right when the rest of the things we remember were good. or at least we believed they were. the other things i remember reading were, if you want to get over someone, you cant say to yourself dont think about them. you have to remove yourself from anything associated with them. no contact is one thing but its only part of it. there is the matter of (for the time being..not listening to music that reminds you or looking back at pics..etc. maybe on the outside we have no contact but in other ways we are in contact with the memory EVERYDAY when we subject ourselves to them with things around us. today the Internet makes us see the person we normally might not see every. i mean there's there name on the screen, etc.

 

stay away from all memories you can for awhile. and dating is good, as long as the person knows you are getting out but not ready for commitments. keep going, but a slow comfortable pace. youre doing great, i think. do other things for yourself too. mix it up. you were courageous to get out and date again. just take life one day at a time till you distance yourself more from your lod love and build a new life in another direction. i dont know, its all new for me too. its all we can do until maybe God willing finally someone else will come along to erase that thing we hold inside ourselves for the other person . you are right hope keeps us open to letting that person in still. sometimes it helps us to go though so hope can be good and bad. i think... just juggle that hope for when you need it. when you dont, put it away or up in the air. use it to work for you. not against you. we need to sometimes play tricks with our minds till we have a new program running that wipes out the old one. if we use hope in different ways i think that can be accomplished.

 

i would ask about the other persons life. get into twhat they are about and listen to their stories....ANYTHING..to get my mind off the other person..this way you will be learning about the new person and can figure out if they are for you and hours will pass getting lost in conversation. get out to the movies and maybe see comedies...but check out what to see before hand so not to remind you of the past and lament. play a board game with the new person..just keep busy . keep your mind busy. go to new places together. maybe an old one once in awhile to wipe out the old memory or to bring strength into it. and again let him know..without talking about the ex....that you are taking baby steps back into life again. hope that works.

 

good luck ; )

 

hope that made some sort of sense. sorry to say i am learning with ya. taking baby steps here lol. not only do i wish i knew then..i wish i knew now but thats what how i think i would handle the dating syndrome

[crazyyetsane]

Thanks so much, iwishiknewthen! You know, for someone who's going through the exact thing I am, you have a lot of wisdom about it. I'd have to say, that's the best advice I've gotten so far. Thank you too, Brotheraaron- I totally appreciate it!