Do you think my Fiance (ex) actions are done to try hold on to me or take the house?

[amandacedars]

My fiance (ex) and I had a HUGE fight because he has been drinking too much and spending all his time with his drinking buddies. During this argument he shoved me, I told him to get out. He did leave, and he moved in with his drinking buddies next door!.We both said and did things we didn't mean. We own a house together. ALL his stuff is here, including his car, furniture, paperwork, etc... It has been a month since we last spoke. He is completely ignoring my text messages. I went over once to speak with him in person. he said "What do you want leave me alone, I am working", then, he went and hid in the garage.

He did finally stop by once. He asked me if he could get some of his stuff. I said yes, your welcome to stop by anytime and get your stuff. He stopped by, then left without taking ANY of his stuff! He said "he is fine" and left.

I don't understand.

Is this his way of holding onto me and trying to reconcile? (I have texted him we either need to seek counseling, or, he has to come get his stuff so I can get a roommate to help pay the bills, no response)

I did just today get a change of address letter from the post office. He apparently is having his mail forwarded to his buddies house.

I have told him he has mail too, no response.

Edited May 13, 2015 by amandacedars

[PegNosePete]

Tell him that if he doesn't come to collect his sh## in the next week you are going to ebay it all.

 

(Don't actually ebay it all, that may be illegal depending on the laws in your local jurisdiction, but telling him that might make him get his arse in gear)

[David87]

Or better yet throw it in the street.

[Ruby65]

He sounds like an alcoholic. I wouldn't expect him to be responsible for his stuff at this point. Unless it's really putting you out to have his stuff there, I'd just let it slide for now. Box up what you can so he can get it all later, his clothes and paperwork. That's what I'd do, anyway.

[kayla73]

He just seems very immature. I agree with the posts above. Take matters into your own hands. If he lives that close, gather everything and put it next door. Only do so if you don't want to reconcile.

 

If you do want to get back together, he's going to have to communicate better. Try to initiate another talk in person with him and bring that up. If he's nonchallent and acts the same as he did when he came over to not get his stuff, move on.

[Stercrazy]

Or better yet throw it in the street.

 

That's probably illegal. However you can give him a written (sent certified) letter stating he has 30 days to remove his items and if he doesn't you will place them outside.

And yes....he's leaving his stuff there so there's at least an excuse to talk to you. I think you have a solid plan which includes counseling and it should be non negotiable. The worst thing you can do is not following through. Then your plan is an empty threat.

[elaine567]

He was drinking, he got violent and now YOU are doing the running.

He has moved in with his drinking buddies, but he also gets to keep you on hold, right next door where he can see you.

He is punishing you for telling him what to do re his drinking and he is asserting his dominance here.

 

Do you really want to be with such a guy, a guy who is drinking, a guy who has gone over the boundary into physical violence and who shows no sign of wanting to reconcile.

He should be apologizing to you, (he shoved you) or at least be willing to work with you, yet he is remaining firm.

 

I guess he is either very happy with the new arrangement, or he is waiting for you to collapse in a heap at his feet and he can then go on doing what he does and have you as well.

 

Why is he drinking too much? Is this an ongoing issue or new?

Is there a reason for this or is this a slow decline into alcoholism?

 

I think you should consult an attorney re where you stand regarding the house and start making plans to sell up and move on. That will either shock him into action, or give you an answer as to where he sees this going.

[d0nnivain]

Box up the stuff you can carry & take it next door where he's living.

 

Send him the letter re: the furniture. Then put it outside or hire movers to come move it next door.

 

What are you doing to buy him out of the mortgage? That is a more important separation.

[amandacedars]

We have been together 11 years (which is why I am not ready to give up). We had a HUGE fight. We both said and did things we didn't mean. He was drunk and shoved me (the first time he ever laid a hand on me). I told him to get out, we are done, over.

(The arguments have been because of his drinking and always hanging out with his male drinking buddies. He says I "nag" him. I felt lonely in the relationship. I did some reading on communication in relationships. I think our issues are can be resolved with counseling.)

He did leave. He moved in with his drinking buddies next door.

I have been trying to communicate with him. He will not respond to my texts or phone calls.

He left me here to pay all the bills myself. (We own a house together)

He asked me twice if he could come get his stuff. I said yes.

He never did.

Today, I saw him out back so I went up to talk to him. I told him I hired a lawn mowing service to mow the lawn. He said "How much are you paying for that, I'll mow the lawn, why did you do that?" I said "because you are not talking to me. It's $40 a week." He said "Well, you said it'd over. That's it. Sell the house". Then, we continued to squabble. He asked me if he could get his things. I said "Yes, go ahead. The door is open, I am going for a run." He left and said "never mind."

Well, he is not coming to get his things. He offered to mow the lawn. We started arguing again when we spoke. He left.

Is this his attempt to reconcile, or, does he REALLY want out? I am trying to understand his behavior.

[Ruby65]

As I said in your other thread, he sounds like an alcoholic.

 

So if you ask him to choose between his drinking and you.... he'll choose his drinking. It's not because he doesn't love you, it's because he's an alcoholic.

 

I'd recommend looking into Al-Anon -- that's a great source of support for people in your situation. I wouldn't be looking to reconcile unless and until he's sought out help for his problem.

[stillafool]

It didn't sound like he was interested in moving back to me but of course you know him better. I took the lawn mowing as his way to save you money but he still said something about selling the house and getting his things. He may be enjoying his freedom (drinking) without your nagging.

[amandacedars]

I think when he said sell the house, that is actually what I told him. I said "that's it we are done, sell the house", however, I am not sure. He could have just meant go ahead and sell he house.

Edited May 17, 2015 by amandacedars

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

This is exactly why my ex and I broke up. He wanted his freedom to go on weekend-long drinking binges with his friends, and he said he was tired of me nagging and acting like his mom just because I asked that he shoot me a text every once in awhile so I know he's ok.

 

A week later he's talking to some girl and in a LDR. Now he can go drink without someone here at home to "nag".

 

How old is your ex? Mine is 24. These guys value their independence highly. It's hard for them to imagine losing it. It's as if they expect us to be ok with their actions.

 

He's probably leaving the stuff at your house so he has reason to initiate contact. If he's not going to come get it after several times reaching out, I'd just put it on the porch. It's close by so it wouldn't be too much effort, and he'd finally get the picture.

[BC1980]

I see no evidence that he wants to reconcile. I remember your previous thread about him not getting his stuff. That means nothing.

[amandacedars]

He is going to be 40 this June 2015 believe it or not. The thing is, he was fine. Then, his friends moved in next door. Ever since his old buddies moved in next door, all he does is hang out with them drinking, talking, making plans (oh forgot AND he smokes weed which is illegal in my state), it disgusts me. I feel like he should be talking and making plans with me. Don't get me wrong, I think having friends is important, but, he put me way down on the bottom of the list (if I was on the list at all) of priorities. That's what made me sick and miserable.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

He is going to be 40 this June 2015 believe it or not. The thing is, he was fine. Then, his friends moved in next door. Ever since his old buddies moved in next door, all he does is hang out with them drinking, talking, making plans (oh forgot AND he smokes weed which is illegal in my state), it disgusts me. I feel like he should be talking and making plans with me. Don't get me wrong, I think having friends is important, but, he put me way down on the bottom of the list (if I was on the list at all) of priorities. That's what made me sick and miserable.

 

Then he has different values than you do, and that's not good. Our situations are so similar. Trust me... you deserve someone who wants to spend quality time with you. Pretty soon he'll be too hungover to commit to plans you made together, and will be disappointing you all the time (if you reconcile). Men fear losing their independence almost more than anything.

[Toodaloo]

He is going to be 40 this June 2015 believe it or not. The thing is, he was fine. Then, his friends moved in next door. Ever since his old buddies moved in next door, all he does is hang out with them drinking, talking, making plans (oh forgot AND he smokes weed which is illegal in my state), it disgusts me. I feel like he should be talking and making plans with me. Don't get me wrong, I think having friends is important, but, he put me way down on the bottom of the list (if I was on the list at all) of priorities. That's what made me sick and miserable.

 

He is being a big baby about the whole thing and it really is time that he grew up. Smoking weed at 40 is... well its pathetic.

 

I suggest that you sit him down and calmly go through why you feel miserable and what he can do to make it better. Ie. When you do X it makes me feel Y, then I get angry and nag and shout at you which I know upsets you and to be honest I don't want to do.

 

He needs to learn how to communicate in ways other than throwing his teddies out of the pram. His mates will not be helping. You need to ask him what he wants from life and where he see's himself in 10 years time. If its still smoking weed and drinking then yes sell your house and move on. Its not worth wasting your life over.

[amandacedars]

I have posted my story on here before. Here is a short version with a new question:

My fiance (ex) and I had a HUGE fight. I told him we are done, finished. leave.

(He drinks too much, that was the fight, he also shoved me)

He did leave and he moved in next door with his drinking buddies. I am paying all the bills for the house we own together.

It is going on 5 weeks that he has not communicated with me, not even an apology for shoving me.

He did switch the mail over to his new address last week.

I bumped into him a week ago and told him I had hired someone to mow the lawn.

He said "why did you do that, I'll pay vvvv to do it" (one of his drinking buddies that mows lawns). I said "and why would you want to do that?" He said " because it's my house I am primary owner." He said he wanted to get some of his things. I said "Go ahead, the door is open." He left in tears and said "never mind"

What do you think he meant by him being primary owner and not getting his things? I thought may be it is a way for him to "hang on" to me, or, does he think he will get the house (he doesn't make enough money to get the house solely in his name, but I do )

[d0nnivain]

He thinks he will get the house. He doesn't care about you but he does want to "stick it to you" in a bad way.

 

You need to talk to a lawyer sooner rather than later about filing an action to get him off the mortgage.

[Ruby65]

You've gotten a lot of feedback on this situation already -- but you don't seem to be hearing what you need to hear?

 

I don't think anyone's going to be encouraging you to get back together with this guy after he shoved you and then moved in with his drinking buddies rather than cut down on his drinking.

 

He sounds childish and belligerent. He's had five weeks to apologize for shoving you and he hasn't done it. He's acting out by drinking and smoking pot with his buddies like a rebellious teenager. He's 40 and it's pathetic at this point that this is how he handles conflict with someone he's supposedly engaged to.

 

I don't think he's using his stuff being in the house as a way to keep you in his life -- frankly it sounds like he's just being lazy and it's more convenient to keep his stuff there and leave things unresolved between you than go through the hassle of moving out completely.

 

No, it doesn't sound like working things out with you is a priority to him.

 

Based on his actions, drinking and partying with his friends is the priority.

 

[amandacedars]

I understand all that, my new question is, is he trying to "get the house"? (..or, he could be just lazy as you say. I am just trying to protect myself and get an attorney if he is.)

Edited May 19, 2015 by amandacedars

[GorillaTheater]

I understand all that, my new question is, is he trying to "get the house"? (..or, he could be just lazy as you say. I am just trying to protect myself and get an attorney if he is.)

 

Maybe he is. You certainly should be concerned enough to seek the advice of a lawyer.

[Ruby65]

Who's listed on the deed -- both of you?

[amandacedars]

Yes, we are both on the deed and the mortgage. We are also both "100% owners with rights of survival" ( I think I said that right?)

What is more annoying is, I bought him a van to start a business (which he never did because he was too busy drinking) The mistake I made there was, I paid for it but the title for the van is his. I asked him to sell it back to me, of course he said no. So, here I am paying all the bills on the this house and getting a roommate and a new loan for me only. Not sure what he has up his sleeve.

The only way I can see him getting approved for a mortgage to buy me out is if his employer "falsly" says he is making more money ( they are friends, you never know), or, I am not sure if banks would accept this as "income" towards debt to Income ratio, but if he got a paying roommate.

He doesn't make enough on his own to qualify for a mortgage.

Edited May 19, 2015 by amandacedars

[Ruby65]

Yeah, see a lawyer and they'll advise you on how to go about buying him out. Or a mortgage broker could probably advise you too.

 

It doesn't sound like this guy has the means or motivation to really fight you or try to buy you out. I'd just go ahead and get all the paperwork going and prepare the loan to buy him out -- I doubt he'd turn down a check.

Edited May 19, 2015 by Ruby65