Noideanow Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 To readhead14 , i just think a little scepticism is healthy, What you say about the therapist in your last sentences i cant help but think: doesnt the therapist need to be emotionally healthy himself in order to do that? (If at all possible) and how do you know if thats the case?
Author deadelvis Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 i'm pretty impervious to bad advice. most of the bad advice I get off the forums pales in comparison to my own overactive imagination. whatever anyone suggests on here I'm sure I've already considered, I'm more just looking at the advice of those people who seem "sane" and weighing it against what I believe in my heart. In this thread for example I haven't seen any particular persons opinion as more or less "right" than the next. Some people seem to always lean toward the "talk to your therapist" perspective which honestly tends to be more on the frustrating end of the advice spectrum 1
bentleychic Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 She's not perfect & you are behaving like the 14 year old you were when she 1st caught your eye. Just stop. Behave like the adult you are. Yes or you're going to lose her. I fear for your sanity AND hers if you lose her completely. (I'm close to a nympho, but I'd be thrilled with sex 1x a day at this point. Even better would be a huge bonus, but as little as I'm getting it at the moment, I'd gladly take 1x a day! lol) 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 No, what you're describing isn't normal. Nor can it be ascribed to be a "hopeless romantic." Your girlfriend clearly doesn't love it either, as evidenced by her request that you stop with all the sex talk. Purely based on what you wrote, I think you actually have quite low self-esteem and are determined to prove something to her and yourself by being the best lover, the best boyfriend, etc. It will tire her right out if you don't quit. The amount of energy you seem to devote to analyzing this and her FB page indicates a very unhealthy fixation. Continue working with your therapist. Show him/her this thread and ask for some feedback. 2
Noideanow Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 I find it a bit ironic how some people throw knives in form of words at (living) deadelvis, and after that ask him to talk to therapist? As if they try to create a need for that with their unloving ways of expression. I wonder who needs a therapist in this thread;) 1
Author deadelvis Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 yeah I wasn't going to say it but I'm glad I'm not the only one who caught that. fortunately I don't mind a few sharp objects once in a while;) 1
Author deadelvis Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 and really after rereading everything and looking back on my initial posting... 1. retroactive jealously - retroactive jealousy is lame, but a certain amount of jealously comes with ACTUALLY CARING about someone. I never judge her. I only want to please her and feel like I can measure up to her past sexual experiences, which I feel like I do. 2. constant insecurity - I'm just crazy about her and the thought of losing her is horrible. 3. obsessed with sex - Being sexually addicted to YOUR OWN GIRLFRIEND is actually a beautiful thing. I only talk about it with her so much because I can never get enough. 4. I practically stalk my own girlfriend. I think everyone stalks on facebook, anyone who says they don't is probably lying. And wanting to be with her 24/7 is not really a bad thing. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 and really after rereading everything and looking back on my initial posting... 1. retroactive jealously - retroactive jealousy is lame, but a certain amount of jealously comes with ACTUALLY CARING about someone. I never judge her. I only want to please her and feel like I can measure up to her past sexual experiences, which I feel like I do. 2. constant insecurity - I'm just crazy about her and the thought of losing her is horrible. 3. obsessed with sex - Being sexually addicted to YOUR OWN GIRLFRIEND is actually a beautiful thing. I only talk about it with her so much because I can never get enough. 4. I practically stalk my own girlfriend. I think everyone stalks on facebook, anyone who says they don't is probably lying. And wanting to be with her 24/7 is not really a bad thing. But she has asked you to tone it down, no? That's a good indication it's not so beautiful for her. That is where your concern should be. 2
elaine567 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 But she has asked you to tone it down, no? That's a good indication it's not so beautiful for her. That is where your concern should be. Agreed. Deadelvis - you yourself say you are ruining it, so you need to step back a bit and not ruin it.
minime13 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 I find it a bit ironic how some people throw knives in form of words at (living) deadelvis, and after that ask him to talk to therapist? As if they try to create a need for that with their unloving ways of expression. I wonder who needs a therapist in this thread;)That is kind of passive-aggressive, which is never productive. Why don't you quote examples?
Author deadelvis Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 "But she has asked you to tone it down, no? That's a good indication it's not so beautiful for her. That is where your concern should be." Yeah I'm trying really hard to not talk about sex anymore with her and wait till she initiates sex. It's hard though. When I am around her I am always fighting off an erection and even just the thought of her makes me want to jack off. Sometimes I jack off right before we hang out but it only helps for about an hour. And I can't even jack off WITHOUT thinking about her. Sometimes I try and it's impossible. My thoughts always come back to her...
Timshel Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 i'm pretty impervious to bad advice. most of the bad advice I get off the forums pales in comparison to my own overactive imagination. whatever anyone suggests on here I'm sure I've already considered, I'm more just looking at the advice of those people who seem "sane" and weighing it against what I believe in my heart. In this thread for example I haven't seen any particular persons opinion as more or less "right" than the next. Some people seem to always lean toward the "talk to your therapist" perspective which honestly tends to be more on the frustrating end of the advice spectrum Fun-ny! Ok, sure, therapists are people too. I like to think of them as 'hump' people. Getting over the hump of which ever affliction is distracting a person to the point of dysfunction. You are in love and freaking out about it so either breath, go for a jog and listen to wizened LSers or ya know, go see a quack to get yourself over the hump.
preraph Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 He is in therapy preraph. What does your therapist say about this sex addiction, deadelvis? I just reread it and it doesn't say he's in therapy in this post, but I hope you're right.
preraph Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 i'm really trying to just give her space and play it cool but we are really in love and she does really likes spending time with me. we've been looking for an apartment together. it's not as one-sided as I make it sound. I hope it's just that I'm REALLY, REALLY in love with her, not developing some sort of mental illness. But this relationship has really thrown me off balance. Every time I manage to get her out of my head and go focus on my own life things get back to normal and it doesn't feel like I'm a lunatic. But really my feelings for her are a lot like a drug addiction. When I spend a few days "coming down from her" I'm normal again, but once I'm around her I'm like a junky hooked on her and I can't control myself. I just want more and more like I'm trying to overdose on my love for her. Your being hooked on her is a part of some low self-esteem you have. Now you feel you'd just die if you didn't have her. You're relying on her to prop your self-esteem up. It's not healthy.
preraph Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 Why do people put therapists on a piedestal? I think what is most important to do here is to share experiences and maybe learn from each other, at the end of the day everyone has to think for themselves (or moreso feel). Nobody else but you walk in your shoes not even the smart therapist;) (they even take drugs too;) Self-esteem issues usually run back to childhood, which means it's hard-wired into our brains. It's not for amateurs. If a person can't control his own behavior, and this poster is really concerned about himself for that very reason, it's time to get some help. It's not an unusual problem, but it's a matter of degree and if you feel helpless to help yourself and have urges that are irrational, well.....get help. 1
Author deadelvis Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 (edited) well... I'm actually a pretty confident person (aside from this whole situation with her) Before her I was amazing at picking up beautiful women and the envy of all my male friends. I used to help coach my buddies on talking to women. I've always had a knockout girl on my arm, sometimes one on each arm. But something about this girl is different. I met her when I was 17 years old and I immediately said "thats the girl I'm going to marry" I've followed her modelling career throughout our whole adult lives and tried to become friends her but she was always unavailable. She finally stopped resisting my advances about four months ago and let me into her life. I was talking to a couple other younger girls (equally gorgeous, maybe even better looking considering they were about ten years younger than her) and the moment she let me into her life I deleted all the other womens numbers out of my phone. We kissed on our first date. We made it official on our second (and then made love later that night) We said "I love you" after about two weeks. After two months we decided to start looking for a place together. Is it impossible to think there could be such a thing as destined lovers? Edited May 19, 2015 by deadelvis 1
Author deadelvis Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 but no, I don't have a low self esteem. I've taken the two best looking women home from the bar at the same time on several occasions. thats not really something you can manage with a low self esteem 1
minime13 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 but no, I don't have a low self esteem. I've taken the two best looking women home from the bar at the same time on several occasions. thats not really something you can manage with a low self esteem Jealousy (especially if it is unfounded) and insecurity are two signs of low self esteem. Being able to pick up hot people at a bar does not necessarily mean the absence thereof. I think people are just going by the written cues you posted in your first post. Really, talking through these issues with your girlfriend, and possibly coming to certain compromises are two of the best things you may be able to do here. It may also open the door to allow you to realize that maybe you have some fundamental compatibility issues. You'll never know til you talk it all out.
mickleb Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 In my experience, people with intact self-esteem don't tend to behave in extreme ways that cause them to seriously question their own mental health.
fitnessfan365 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 I still say that the reason why you always talk about sex and nothing else is because you may not be compatible with your GF. If you two had things in common and activities that you two liked to do together, that is what would fill the conversation. Sex only tends to come up often when there is nothing else to talk about. What things do you have in common with her and what do you two enjoy doing together outside the bedroom?
Noideanow Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 still support from here (to deadelvis), in spite of all the negative comments from people loving to talk about issiues and hitting your head. Ofcourse its difficult for a non-depressed to match a girl who is depressed (and maybe therefore also affected by medicine she gets etc., if thats the reason) You have to take care of yourself in this so you don't end up depressed too;) Hope you both find a way and she gets to the roots of her bad mental state, and see what happens from there.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 but no, I don't have a low self esteem. I've taken the two best looking women home from the bar at the same time on several occasions. thats not really something you can manage with a low self esteem Of course it is. If you're a good-looking guy, you don't need to work very hard to attract women. One of the most attractive men I've ever dated was also the most insecure and jealous. A lot of the traits you describe in yourself could also be said of this particular ex. The ability to pick up women is not a good indicator that your self-esteem is intact.\ But the point is that you're already starting to push your girlfriend away with this behaviour. It's not having a positive effect on your relationship. Focus on her feelings.
Redhead14 Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 To readhead14 , i just think a little scepticism is healthy, What you say about the therapist in your last sentences i cant help but think: doesnt the therapist need to be emotionally healthy himself in order to do that? (If at all possible) and how do you know if thats the case? Most therapists are required to undergo therapy themselves, depending on the school or program as part of their training. But, they will continue with therapy on their own. This serves two purposes: a) It helps them stay focused and deal with everyday life issues that they experience in order to maintain their own emotional health and b) it helps them to stay focused with their patients and to get other views about those situations. They don't usually operate in a "vacuum". And, it's very difficult sometimes to hear some of the things they hear from a patient and so need some place to process and stay focused on the course of treatment for their patient(s). Therapists are human too and experience stressors and life experiences that are difficult to handle. However, they realize that a doctor who treats himself has a fool for a patient. They, like all of us, get overwhelmed also and are "too close" to the situation to see things clearly. Outside opinions are needed for them as well. It is fine to seek outside opinions for the basic everyday things people deal with from other emotionally/mentally healthy "peers". That's healthy. However, when it is clear that there are significant emotional and mental health issues, "peers" are not equipped to handle those things in a way that helps the patient manage and process emotions that come up in the course of therapy, and is cognizant of "pushing" the wrong buttons for that person so as not to have them be overwhelmed by emotions, memories, etc.
Noideanow Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 expertitaly, you sound very onesided when you tell deadelvis to focus on her feelings, his feelings i think is equally important, and only if those two align can there be happiness<
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