deadelvis Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 (edited) I don't know what my problem is. we rushed into a relationship mainly because I've been obsessed with her for 10+ years and she finally gave me a chance. we are madly in love. she has given me every reason to trust her. she's been so perfect. yet I keep creating the most ridiculous situations to push her away and she keeps giving me more chances. these are a few of the stupid things I've done... 1. retroactive jealously - for absolutely no reason. we've had about the same number of partners, and a similar sexual history. my past sexual history is probably much more "dirty" than hers, yet I obsess over things that have zero meaning such as past lovers who may have been "more exciting than me"... meanwhile she's told me numerous times I'm the best in bed out of anyone she's ever been with. In my mind I'm always painting her as some sexual deviant or "reformed slut" when the reality is so much different. she's just a regular girl who actually has a pretty cautious attitude toward casual sex... 2. constant insecurity - I'm 6'2". Handsome, charming, great in bed etc. much better looking than any other guy I've known her to date. Employed, educated etc. I've always had amazing luck with women. Just yesterday I had two different beautiful women flirt with me during simple transactions like getting a cup of coffee or buying a newpaper. my girlfriend is clearly very much in love with me, she has to be, otherwise she would never put up with all the nonsense I've been putting her through. yet I constantly second guess everything and create paranoid "imaginary scenarios" in my mind where I end up humilated and abandoned by her. she has never done anything to indicate she is anything but a perfect girlfriend. 3. obsessed with sex - it's driving her crazy. all I ever talk about or think about is sex. either I'm talking about how much I want to have sex with her, trying to have sex with her or obsessing about her previous sexual experiences. We "talked dirty" a lot when we were first dating and she kind of promised me constant wild sex, now that we are together I'm lucky to get it once a day. She's on anti-depressants and it reduces her sex drive, but I still feel decieved. She gave me the impression that we would have constant sex and now I have been throwing "temper tantrums" (not really, just being a brat) when she isn't in the mood. I also always end up thinking it must be something wrong with me when she isn't in the mood or having thoughts like "well I bet if it was so-and-so she'd be in the mood". She's begged me to stop talking about sex completely. It's gotten to that point. But I can't stop... its really hurting the relationship. I feel like I'm a sex addict, but only for her... 4. I practically stalk my own girlfriend. I want to be with her 24 hours a day. When she's not around I just stare at her facebook and over-analyze every comment or posting. In my mind every male friend is an "imaginary threat". All the former f*** buddies or ex-lovers who she is still friends with, (who I know for a fact are NOT a threat to me) have become targets of my obsessive thinking. I probably spend as much time looking at their facebook pages as I do hers. She is the most honest, loyal, intelligent, compassionate and genuine human being I've ever met, yet I'm unable to accept it in my mind. I'm terrified of losing her, and those feelings are in fact pushing her away. WHAT THE F IS WRONG WITH ME!!! oh and btw she's so attractive I can't even look at her without feeling dizzy Edited May 19, 2015 by deadelvis 1
preraph Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 You're out of control. "Constant sex" for a lot of people IS once a day. I'm sure the fact that all you're ever approaching or talking to her about is sex is making her feel less sexy. Women need normal attention and to feel like something other than a sex receptacle. You seem surprised that now you're obsessed and insecure. You were obsessed with her for 10 years, so you were already obsessed and insecure. And yes, the two go together. If a person is secure and another person they think they like isn't interested for whatever reason, they may be disappointed but they just accept reality that they're not right for each other (or she'd think so too) and they move on. An insecure person gets jealous and tries to control and obsesses because deep down they think if they don't do all that, the woman will just leave them. The truth is doing all that is what will ultimately lead the woman to leave you, because it's unfair and unattractive. The only way you will ever feel secure that a woman is faithful and loyal to you is to leave the door wide open, not try to monopolize all her time, not monitor her, and she's free to leave at any time. If she doesn't, she wants to be with you. If she does but comes back, she also wants to be with you. If she leaves, it's not a good match anyway. If you want to manage this and not run her off by smothering her, you really ought to go ahead and get in therapy and just find out where this is coming from and learn how to manage YOU, not her. That's your best bet for making this work. Good luck. 3
d0nnivain Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 She's not perfect & you are behaving like the 14 year old you were when she 1st caught your eye. Just stop. Behave like the adult you are. 4
elaine567 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 If you want to manage this and not run her off by smothering her, you really ought to go ahead and get in therapy and just find out where this is coming from and learn how to manage YOU, not her. That's your best bet for making this work. Good luck. He is in therapy preraph. What does your therapist say about this sex addiction, deadelvis? 1
Mrin Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 Worth a watch. Also - the only other thing I would add is that from your last thread you we not very receptive to anyone's advice. You may want to focus on trying on being more receptive to other ideas and thoughts if you want to make a change. But glad to see you opening up like this. 2
Noideanow Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 A little support from here, since I (a woman) understand you, -once a Day is nothing for me if Im in love, if she is in love with you she should be the luckiest woman to have at wonderful man that interested (but she isnt i guess) -maybe you Think and talk so much about it because she rejects you (Good Reason to think) - I can follow your insecurity, and think it is because you are an intelligent and sensitive man (i wish i had a man that would be with me 24/7;)) To me you just sound very emotionally healthy. no matter what the rest Think. 1
Author deadelvis Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 i'm really trying to just give her space and play it cool but we are really in love and she does really likes spending time with me. we've been looking for an apartment together. it's not as one-sided as I make it sound. I hope it's just that I'm REALLY, REALLY in love with her, not developing some sort of mental illness. But this relationship has really thrown me off balance. Every time I manage to get her out of my head and go focus on my own life things get back to normal and it doesn't feel like I'm a lunatic. But really my feelings for her are a lot like a drug addiction. When I spend a few days "coming down from her" I'm normal again, but once I'm around her I'm like a junky hooked on her and I can't control myself. I just want more and more like I'm trying to overdose on my love for her. 1
Noideanow Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 Again you Sound perfectly healthy (;like me) but i see it is a problem when she makes you feel like youre in the wrong coming on so strong, but please dont let her change your ways, i think its like killing yourself or cutting off an arm, Then you Will go crazy like all the rest of mankind;) 2
Author deadelvis Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 hopeless romantic in 2015 = mental illness maybe if I spent less time reading classic literature and more time watching reality TV I'd be better at not caring 1
dancingsunflowers80 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 Hmmm, I'm not sure what you are asking specifically? It sounds like you understand your shortcomings and are working on them. Have you tried talking to your girlfriend about your concerns? Might be a good place to start so you can have great communication, which I feel is essential in any relationship. mommato2lilmonkeys
Author deadelvis Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 yeah I've been working on it. and I'm doing better. it's hard though because confidence is such an important part of being attractive to a woman and I've already laid all my cards down on the table, so talking about it has become the worst thing I can do. Just acting indifferent seems to work the best. Which is stupid IMO. I guess I was just curious if people think I'm perfectly normal and just really in love with this woman or if I'm suffering from some sort of relationship OCD mental illness. love and madness are very similar feelings 1
fitnessfan365 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 Two main problems : 1) What do you and your GF have in common? In my experience, when sex comes up all the time, it's because there's nothing else to talk about. Maybe you're overlooking that you two aren't compatible. 2) You have no purpose in life. If you were passionate about your career and had hobbies that you enjoyed, your time would be more occupied. Instead you're obsessing over her and even stalking past guys on FB. I think if you put more effort into getting a life outside of her, the life you have with her will be more rewarding. 1
Noideanow Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 I dont say its the case with you, but I have met a handsome man capable of making me dissy by looking me in the eyes that intense Way, yet he was feeling nothing but like playing games, just sayn' could be woman like that also, or it could be million other reasons why you mismatch (sorry) but the import thing i think is that you stay as you are, true to your feelings.whatever that may take.
Satu Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 *love and madness are very similar feelings Maybe for you, but not for most people. 2
Noideanow Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 What is confidence? You are being an honest man, i see that as confidence. Stay that way please- 1
Redhead14 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 Deadelvis, is this a different woman from the other thread titled "She was a freak before me, now she's not"? Whether it is or isn't the same woman, you need to stick with your therapist. Perhaps an IOP cognitive behavioral therapy program would be in order. You need to really sit down and focus on all this. Venting here is not such a bad thing, but there are people here who are well-intentioned, but may say things that may trigger you in ways you may not even realize could happen. All the best to you. 1
minime13 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 Deadelvis, is this a different woman from the other thread titled "She was a freak before me, now she's not"? Whether it is or isn't the same woman, you need to stick with your therapist. Perhaps an IOP cognitive behavioral therapy program would be in order. You need to really sit down and focus on all this. Venting here is not such a bad thing, but there are people here who are well-intentioned, but may say things that may trigger you in ways you may not even realize could happen. All the best to you. Echoing this. If you are in therapy because of this, you don't need to come to anonymous forums to get advice. If you don't like the answers you are getting from your therapist, get second (PROFESSIONAL) opinion. If both say the same, then buck up and listen. 2
Noideanow Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 Why do people put therapists on a piedestal? I think what is most important to do here is to share experiences and maybe learn from each other, at the end of the day everyone has to think for themselves (or moreso feel). Nobody else but you walk in your shoes not even the smart therapist;) (they even take drugs too;) 1
Noideanow Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 You are perfectly healthy;) (from a likeminded;)) i dont know if I would say normal, because that would mean you should be like the majority of people, and it sure doesnt seem like that in here;) 1
Author deadelvis Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 We actually have a lot in common. Mainly we both lived very crazy lives in the not so distant past but now we are both trying to get settled into a more mature and less wild lifestyle. I'm especially trying to change my life. She had a pretty "fast lane" lifestyle, but she always had a pretty good head on her shoulders, aside from some "interesting" sexual endeavors, she's a pretty well adjusted girl (aside from being Bi-Polar, having extreme anxiety, BPD, depression etc.) I on the other hand always lived my life like I had a death wish. Now that I'm in my 30's I've been readjusting a lot of my values and beliefs. I am really enjoying letting go of the "watch the world burn" mentality I always had and embracing her more peaceful attitude. But at our core, we both believe in the same things and share similar interests. I am actually very talented in a variety of artistic pursuits, and usually spent most of my free time making art, music, writing etc. And certainly she inspires my creative process. But lately my time has been pretty much divided between work/responsibilities and finding time to be with her. I'm a popular person and had a very active social life, but I'm trying to avoid hanging around with most of my old crowd. I'm finding at this point I enjoy a picnic with my girlfriend much more than blowing an eightball, killing bottle of whiskey and looking for trouble. 1
Author deadelvis Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 "Venting here is not such a bad thing, but there are people here who are well-intentioned, but may say things that may trigger you in ways you may not even realize could happen." I think I understand what you are getting at, but I also like to get a diversity of opnions on these things. I tend to take all the different POVs and draw my own conclusions. But I'd be curious if perhaps you could elaborate on "things that may trigger you in ways you may not even realize could happen." because I have noticed that sometimes I find the advice on these forums theraputic and other times I merely find it frustrating
Redhead14 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 Why do people put therapists on a piedestal? I think what is most important to do here is to share experiences and maybe learn from each other, at the end of the day everyone has to think for themselves (or moreso feel). Nobody else but you walk in your shoes not even the smart therapist;) (they even take drugs too;) If you are being honest and completely cooperative in therapy, the therapist will know you better than anyone, even your mother. A person with a serious mental health issue can be further traumatized by well intentioned outsiders who say things that they don't realize are detrimental to the "patient". Seemingly innocent statements or pieces of advice or information can and do sometimes create further confusion and angst for that person and do more harm than good. Deadelvis has a significant issue to address and the fact is none of us can walk in his shoes either. The therapist has a better opportunity to do that and has seen these things up close in other patients. They do understand completely and know just how to steer the patient to a path of emotional and mental health. Not strangers who have never met or spoken to the OP. 1
Redhead14 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 "Venting here is not such a bad thing, but there are people here who are well-intentioned, but may say things that may trigger you in ways you may not even realize could happen." I think I understand what you are getting at, but I also like to get a diversity of opnions on these things. I tend to take all the different POVs and draw my own conclusions. But I'd be curious if perhaps you could elaborate on "things that may trigger you in ways you may not even realize could happen." because I have noticed that sometimes I find the advice on these forums theraputic and other times I merely find it frustrating Well, it's anything inside of us or in our environment that evokes a strong physiological and/or emotional response. It can be something we see, smell, feel, sense, and/or hear that strongly impacts us--for good or ill. You've probably had this experience. You hear a piece of music you love and you're suddenly flooded with warm memories. You feel exactly as you did then, maybe with the same emotions and sensations. It's like your body is being transported back in time. I suspect that that there are some deep seeded emotional things for you that may have been pushed down, repressed/suppressed and sometimes things you may read or hear from people will cause them to bubble up and cause you significant distress and you won't understand or know how to deal with it. You are already stressed out by the things you are talking about in these posts, and at a point of high stress, is often when people are triggered more easily. I'm just saying, be careful here.
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