Jump to content

Settling down

Erised

By Erised
in General Relationship Discussion

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Erised Established Member

Erised

Posted
Posted (edited)

Okay, some of you might remember previous threads. Basically, after getting hurt I have been avoidant of relationships but have been okay with casual.

 

As I've spent more time with everyone, I am considering actually giving something a title, even though it freaks me out. The guy has been understanding - not pressuring for more but making it clear that he would like a relationship when and if I am ready. We've been talking since last October, as friends first. He didn't violate any boundaries no matter where I set them.

He is intelligent, fit, handsome, creative, sweet... He has time and again gone out of his way to make me smile. We became sexually active under the agreement that dating others is allowed but outside sex must be communicated.

He told me that he loves me. I met his friends and parents, though I haven't introduced him to my people.

 

I keep thinking lately when we are together that I should tell him that I will be with just him. I've already cut all other flirtations off the last couple of weeks, though I haven't told him this. But it's like I'm choking on my words.

 

I asked him about a non exclusive relationship, but he said he was fine with waiting for me, but his ultimate goal is a monogamous relationship and he couldn't accept anything else long term. (Which is fine; until this, I've alwYs preferred monogamy anyhow.)

 

I don't think my fear of a relationship has gone anywhere, but with him over time a fear that I will lose him has developed, and more especially a desire to make him happy. I know this would make him extremely happy. I feel vulnerable, which I haven't felt for quite sometime.

 

I've felt pain that I'm hurting others, which I tried to avoid with blunt honesty, but no worries that anyone could hurt me.

 

He, of course, promises he never will, but who assumes that one eill? It just happens.

 

Really at this point we are in a relationship by all actions (except he still assumes I'm seeing others. He stopped a while ago due to lack of interest.). It's only the title. :/

 

Is there a way to get over this? Is it one of those, just do and deal with it as it comes?

Edited by Erised
Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted

Just curious here...

 

What does a "casual RL" mean to you? Cuz for me, even though I would be in a casual thing (including FWB, involved with an "involved" person), I usually am only seeing "that" guy. Now, while I may keep my options open, I'm still sleeping with that one guy.

 

While I have fears of intimacy and stuff and like you, am scared to open up in fears of losing that person, I still, prefer that the person and I are only seeing each other...

 

So, if he loves you, you two are only seeing each other and you already met his parents, then what's the hold up? I wouldn't mind getting married as long as the other person understands there's no kids and is cool with my stoic nature at times.

 

To answer your question though...the only way to find out is exposing yourself. You'll never know if you don't give it a shot. Will it work out? No one knows...

 

The best you can do is keep your eyes open, not advance to the next level until you see a reason to, and don't give up yourself/stuff.

 

For example, don't ignore red flags...know what you're looking for. If he starts like not answering his phone, getting lazy, etc - whatever your dealbreakers are and/or signal red flags, don't start making excuses and/or advance to the next stage in the RL (ie allowing him to meet your parents, getting engaged)...

 

Also, don't shack-up. Don't leave your job, friends, etc "just for him". One time I considered moving to where a guy was, but said I'd not do it unless I had my own place to rent and a job (while I rented out my own home instead of selling it). So, if it doesn't work out, you didn't f- yourself over by giving up yourself. I have a gf of a gf who dissed me and the world when she dated her ex-husband. Well, he divorced her and one of my gfs is trying to look her up and not me...cuz, I'm like "tough"...that's what she gets from blowing off friends to obsess over this dude who dropped he like a Hot Pocket.

 

Hope that helps... :)

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...