Girlfriend trying to make me jealous

May 19, 2015

Hey guys, so me and my girlfriend have been together about 8 months. We both love each other and we're serious about each other. But 1 thing she does that really bugs me is that she has a tendency to try to make me jealous.

For example, the other day we were sitting together and i was on facebook on my phone. I was scrolling down my newsfeed and i liked an innocent photo of one of my best friends gf. I didn't think it was a big deal. But next thing I know, she's on facebook too, scrolling through the profiles of some of the wannabe bodybuilders she's friends with, critiquing their bodies etc and showing me pis of them shirtless for lIke 20-30 min. Now at this point I know what's going on, so I pretend not to care and just keep looking at my phone.

I could tell she was getting frustrated because I wasn't reacting, so what does she do? She starts talking about how attractive one of my best friends is. I still didn't react, but tbh, inside I was getting really mad. It just seemed so childish and insecure to me (my gf does have low self esteem, which I try to help her with by, for example, not doing things like that to her). And this is just one example among many like it.

So I guess my question is, how do I handle this? How can I get a grip on this and hopefully put an end to it. I mean she's got attractive friends as well, but I would never try to make her feel inadequate or uncomfortable by telling her the details of how exatly attractive I think they Are. Have you guys dealt with something similar on here

May 19, 2015

You TALK to her and make yourself clear that this kind of attitude bothers you.

May 19, 2015

Her actions come from a place of insecurity within herself. Don't show her it bothers you, just reassure her that you only want her. But do let her know you see through what she's doing and there's no need to continue with it.

May 19, 2015

Are you taking her too seriously? Is she just teasing you a little and she was irritated you were taking it too seriously? Come on, she probably knows you were trying to ignore her on purpose.

You could humor her and go along with it and make a little joke about it. You could say,

"What? That guy's got nothing on my arms!" and make a muscle.

Or "That guy??? You mean the one I got into a 'full nelson' the other day on the ground until he screamed for mercy?? That guy???"

May 19, 2015

If my partner's issues were that out of control that he purposefully tried to make me feel insecure or jealous within our relationship, he would either need to get some proper professional help, or he'd be out on his arse.

Trying to make someone who loves you feel inadequate is nasty and disrespectful. To make yourself feel better by making someone close to you feel bad is pretty twisted in my opinion. It's damaging to the relationship and downright immature.

As an adult, I would never stand for it. Not even a little bit.

I suggest having a serious conversation with her about this, because that sort of behaviour can escalate quite easily. State in no uncertain terms that her behaviour is unhealthy and unacceptable, and explain that she needs to work on this because it is not something you will tolerate. Unless of course, you will tolerate it. Then, well...good luck.

May 19, 2015

Dump her. You're headed for whitewater. Unless you enjoy drama, you are prolly gonna start hating her.

Realize that whatever her demons are, you can't fix them or give her the tools to, if she can't on her own. Most likely she has had past trauma that is eating at her. It's too painful for her to deal with it, so that energy manifests itself as bad personality traits. I bet if you talked to her she'd say something like "I can't help myself, it just happens".

May 19, 2015

Are you taking her too seriously? Is she just teasing you a little and she was irritated you were taking it too seriously? Come on, she probably knows you were trying to ignore her on purpose.

You could humor her and go along with it and make a little joke about it. You could say,

"What? That guy's got nothing on my arms!" and make a muscle.

Or "That guy??? You mean the one I got into a 'full nelson' the other day on the ground until he screamed for mercy?? That guy???"

This^^^

It's called "agree and amplify" and its how you deal with $hit tests.

You basically agree with what she is saying and then amplify it to a rediculous proportion so that her statement loses all credibility.

So if she says something like, "doesn't Jake have the hottest washboard abs?"

You say something like, "he sure does, I wonder what he'd do if I started washing my underwear on them."

It shows you don't take her manipulations seriously and won't be effected by them.

May 19, 2015

Life is too short for game-playing and pretending.

May 19, 2015

You guys are right though. I have noticed that every time she's done something like this, and I hate to say it, but I start to resent this relationship and maybe even her a little bit more inside every time. I feel like it's building a little bit I guess.

And what really gets on my nerves is that while she's doing it, she'll periodically ask me what's wrong or "did I do anything?". Like, she knows exactly what she's doing, she's just pretending like she has no idea.

I guess the reason I'm on here is because this is my first serious/real relationship. So I wasnt totally sure if things like this are normal in a relationship. Like every time I have some kind of interaction with a girl my gf finds attractive, is it normal to expect my gf to do things like that?

May 19, 2015

You guys are right though. I have noticed that every time she's done something like this, and I hate to say it, but I start to resent this relationship and maybe even her a little bit more inside every time. I feel like it's building a little bit I guess.

And what really gets on my nerves is that while she's doing it, she'll periodically ask me what's wrong or "did I do anything?". Like, she knows exactly what she's doing, she's just pretending like she has no idea.

I guess the reason I'm on here is because this is my first serious/real relationship. So I wasnt totally sure if things like this are normal in a relationship. Like every time I have some kind of interaction with a girl my gf finds attractive, is it normal to expect my gf to do things like that?

It's normal for women to $hit test men and you have to be prepared to deal with them.

And since she's been doing this all along, then it's normal for her and you need to expect it.

Your only alternative is to confront her about and be honest that it is making you resentful and tell her to knock it off. She may or may not comply but even she she does, her insecurity and game playing will likely manifest in a different way.

May 19, 2015

Its just frustrating to try to help somebody overcome something like low self esteem(just by reminding her how beautiful, amazing she is when she's feeling down), and to slowly realize that a)there's nothing you can really do to help, b) she can't help herself, and c)she's too immature to deal with it like an adult(ie putting others down)

I've also come to notice that I think a big indicator for her about how successful our relationship is how envious the people around her get of us. Sure, it might feel good occasionally to hear that somebody wishes they had what we had. But to constantly seek that out to feel better almost seems like a major red flag to me

Edited May 19, 2015 by minimus

May 19, 2015

Its just frustrating to try to help somebody overcome something like low self esteem(just by reminding her how beautiful, amazing she is when she's feeling down), and to slowly realize that a)there's nothing you can really do to help, b) she can't help herself, and c)she's too immature to deal with it like an adult(ie putting others down)

I've also come to notice that I think a big indicator for her about how successful our relationship is how envious the people around her get of us. Sure, it might feel good occasionally to hear that somebody wishes they had what we had. But to constantly seek that out to feel better almost seems like a major red flag to me

Are you a trained, licensed therapist????

It's NEVER your job to treat someone else's problems and/or insecurities. You are never obligated to be someone's fixer upper. Your choice is whether to accept them as-is or move on and find someone else that is more compatible with you.

" When men try to rescue damsels in distress, all they'll have to show for it is a distressed damsel on their hands."

- Dr Laura Schlesinger

May 19, 2015

No I'm not a professional. But then again, I don't think you need to be a professional to try to remind someone you care about about the things that make them special to help them when they're feeling down. I just meant that it's frustrating realizing the scope of the problem and that it's so far out of you hands that you can only sit and watch. And that she may actually need a professional to deal with it, but I know she never will.

And i dont consider her to be a "fixer upper". The issues with self eseem are things I didn't notice early on. They only manifested after we had been together and grown attached to each other. So I just tried to help in whay ever ways I could

May 19, 2015

OP, You can't lose with this advice.

1. Put down your phone.

2. Have her put down her phone.

3. ...

May 19, 2015

No I'm not a professional. But then again, I don't think you need to be a professional to try to remind someone you care about about the things that make them special to help them when they're feeling down. I just meant that it's frustrating realizing the scope of the problem and that it's so far out of you hands that you can only sit and watch. And that she may actually need a professional to deal with it, but I know she never will.

And i dont consider her to be a "fixer upper". The issues with self eseem are things I didn't notice early on. They only manifested after we had been together and grown attached to each other. So I just tried to help in whay ever ways I could

Again, the choices you have available to you are accept and take her as-is, or move on and find someone more compatible. You fixing her isn't a realistic option.

May 19, 2015

No I'm not a professional. But then again, I don't think you need to be a professional to try to remind someone you care about about the things that make them special to help them when they're feeling down. I just meant that it's frustrating realizing the scope of the problem and that it's so far out of you hands that you can only sit and watch. And that she may actually need a professional to deal with it, but I know she never will.

And i dont consider her to be a "fixer upper". The issues with self eseem are things I didn't notice early on. They only manifested after we had been together and grown attached to each other. So I just tried to help in whay ever ways I could

She's clearly very young, right? Throw in low self esteem and poor confidence and you're surprised that she reacts that way when you "like" a picture of an attractive girl on Facebook? The LAST thing you need to do is make HER feel insecure further by discussing, looking at or bringing up attractive women. Do it with your buddies, not her.

If you stop your participation in setting her off and she continues to try and make you jealous, then have an adult conversation with her about it. If she doesn't respond well, make a decision if she's right for you.

May 19, 2015

She's clearly very young, right? Throw in low self esteem and poor confidence and you're surprised that she reacts that way when you "like" a picture of an attractive girl on Facebook? The LAST thing you need to do is make HER feel insecure further by discussing, looking at or bringing up attractive women. Do it with your buddies, not her.

If you stop your participation in setting her off and she continues to try and make you jealous, then have an adult conversation with her about it. If she doesn't respond well, make a decision if she's right for you.

I'm glad someone noticed that the OP made a rod for his own back here, by "liking" an attractive girl on FB first.

I guess it is not the only pic of an attractive girl he has "liked on FB and I guess she is responding in this way, to give him a taste of his own medicine.

May 19, 2015

Exept it wasn't some "attractive girl" on fb. It was a pic of my good friends gf. I was just scrolling down the newsfeed liking a bunch of pics and that happened to be one of them. My point is, I'm trying to figure out why she feels the need to try to make me feel like sh*t for doing that. I didn't go onto my friends gfs profile and spend 20 min critiquing her body lIke she did. I just scrolled down, hit like, and kept scrolling down. But to answer your question, we're both 22 yrs old

May 19, 2015

And no, I don't go through and like a bunch of girls photos on fb. I have close friends and family only on there only. I dont even discuss other womens looks with her becaise i dont want her to feel bad, so i dont know what made you assume that i do. Like if i ever have a conversation with a friend of mine she finds attractive, am I going to have to accept that she's going to try to make me jealous to get back at me? How is that fair? She has guy friends that are obviously attractive. But I don't try to get even with her for talking to them or liking their photos on social media. So my question is, how do I bring up this discussion with her?

Edited May 19, 2015 by minimus

May 20, 2015

And no, I don't go through and like a bunch of girls photos on fb. I have close friends and family only on there only. I dont even discuss other womens looks with her becaise i dont want her to feel bad, so i dont know what made you assume that i do. Like if i ever have a conversation with a friend of mine she finds attractive, am I going to have to accept that she's going to try to make me jealous to get back at me? How is that fair? She has guy friends that are obviously attractive. But I don't try to get even with her for talking to them or liking their photos on social media. So my question is, how do I bring up this discussion with her?

I think you bring it up by using a recent example...like the one you did for this thread.

I'll play you....and, let's call your gf "Maggie"

"Maggie, I couldn't help but notice that you seemed bothered that I was checking out and "liked" a picture of one of my friends and his girl. Then, seems like you immediately started searching for and checking out pics of attractive guys to show me."

"To me, that makes me think that you believe I was interested in and/or found ny friend's gf attractive. But, instead of raising the issue with me, you decided to get my attention by looking up pics of guys."

"Well, I am not interested in my friend's gf. I simply "liked" a picture of the two of them. Is she attractive. Yes....and so are millions of people besides you and me. If we walk down the street right now, we will more than likely see people smarter/prettier/etc than the both of us. Shoot, they may even be so good looking that people take a double take when walking by them....But, that's where yours and mine maturity comes in. We realize there are other people out there, but we value what we have and to endlessly desire and/or chase strange is just stupid...I like (or love if that is the case) YOU and am with YOU...And, if everytime we encounter someone attractive and/or another woman you freak, then I need to reevaluate this RL and maybe you could talk to someone about why it is easy for you to get jealous".

Now, if after this little speech she still plays the "I don't know what you're talking about" or it happens again, need to launch.

BTW, some Facebook etiquette, IMO...don't like pics of people of the opposite sex if they are not in a pic with their SO...also, even if they are in a couple pic...limit your compliments to them as a "couple". I have friends, relatives, etc who's husbands/bfs will put up selfies and stuff and I do not go to their FB page, do not check out their pics and/or "like" their solo pics. I recently added as a friend a relative's husband and am still uneasy about it. I prefer friending the female of the couple and/or a "couple" FB page.

May 20, 2015

My ex-friend's bf liked some girl's photo on facebook, and she dumped him for that

May 20, 2015

I think you bring it up by using a recent example...like the one you did for this thread.

I'll play you....and, let's call your gf "Maggie"

"Maggie, I couldn't help but notice that you seemed bothered that I was checking out and "liked" a picture of one of my friends and his girl. Then, seems like you immediately started searching for and checking out pics of attractive guys to show me."

"To me, that makes me think that you believe I was interested in and/or found ny friend's gf attractive. But, instead of raising the issue with me, you decided to get my attention by looking up pics of guys."

"Well, I am not interested in my friend's gf. I simply "liked" a picture of the two of them. Is she attractive. Yes....and so are millions of people besides you and me. If we walk down the street right now, we will more than likely see people smarter/prettier/etc than the both of us. Shoot, they may even be so good looking that people take a double take when walking by them....But, that's where yours and mine maturity comes in. We realize there are other people out there, but we value what we have and to endlessly desire and/or chase strange is just stupid...I like (or love if that is the case) YOU and am with YOU...And, if everytime we encounter someone attractive and/or another woman you freak, then I need to reevaluate this RL and maybe you could talk to someone about why it is easy for you to get jealous".

Now, if after this little speech she still plays the "I don't know what you're talking about" or it happens again, need to launch.

BTW, some Facebook etiquette, IMO...don't like pics of people of the opposite sex if they are not in a pic with their SO...also, even if they are in a couple pic...limit your compliments to them as a "couple". I have friends, relatives, etc who's husbands/bfs will put up selfies and stuff and I do not go to their FB page, do not check out their pics and/or "like" their solo pics. I recently added as a friend a relative's husband and am still uneasy about it. I prefer friending the female of the couple and/or a "couple" FB page.

This ^^

Good advice on who or what to like on a FB post as well. Again, you've gotten my point about not intentionally trying to make HER jealous. Don't do it again and if she keeps at it AFTER you have the discussion, kick her butt to the curb.. Relationships are hard enough without adding stupid drama to them.

May 21, 2015

When I was your age Facebook was not even a thing yet and I had the same problems with my gf. She was really insecure about a lot of things. It was too much to deal with, I didn't have time for it.

I can only imagine how much worse it would've been if social media was around then.

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