thousandsuns Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 Hi All; Hope you're all doing well and can help provide some generous advice on my current situation. This is going to be a lengthy post because I’d like to adequately describe my situation so your attention is much appreciated. I have recently started seeing a girl since mid-Jan and we have been together for exactly 4 months now. Things at the start felt very nice and engaging and within couple of months she texted me and told me she was falling for me more each day. Soon after I stepped up and told her the magic words and she returned it to me. All seemed to be going well when all of a sudden we hit a patch where we didn't see each other for about 2-3 weeks because my mother was being a roadblock in our relationship (i.e. she doesn't fully know because she won't approve of us). To make this stressful much she lives with me which makes it hard to avoid her when going out and being questioned where I'm going. Any ways, after those couple of weeks I started to feel very lost and insecure. I started to over analyze her delays in responses and in texts and started to question her if she really loved me and so on. It got to this point where I felt as if I felt I had no chemistry with her and I doubted our compatibility because we couldn't get deep meaningful conversations going through text (i.e. it would just be small talk like "how was your day?", etc. and it made me feel like I had to keep asking her questions in texts to get a reply from her). Even though we got along perfect in person and I realized that texting is probably not her thing I still doubted our connection. To this date I still question that deep chemistry, because when I ask simple questions like "can you share with me what you believe your purpose to me is as my gf?" (Another way of asking what you bring to this relationship for me), I am left without an answer which says she doesn't know. I mean I know the answer to that but I just wanted to explore her thoughts and see if she could convey her reason behind her love to me but didn't get too far. Any who, I still feel that I lack that deep chemistry which I need and that is how I feel right now. However, I have recently read up on ROCD (Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and it seems I have some symptoms of it. In the 2 weeks as stated above we didn't see each other, I started to get really attached to her right after. I started to think that it is my fault we didn't see each other much and that I would lose her let alone let her down. I also started to get annoyed that she didn't reply to my texts right away and a part of me kept checking her online status on facebook (it made me think if she can check her fb why can't she be bothered to send me a reply or quick text? am I not that important to her?). Now before anyone has a go at me, please all understand that I acknowledge that this is dysfunctional behaviour on my end and it is foolish to think like this. I don't have any excuse for how I feel but I believe it maybe from ROCD? It has been a hellish few weeks since I start feeling like this as I've been stressing extremely and I was upset at myself and her. The stress got so high that my blood pressure had risen and I started to get shoulder pains. I discussed my stress with her briefly and stupidly told her about my attached feeling towards her and how I wanted things to go back to day 1 and she brushed it off pretty much just showing she acknowledges it. Nonetheless, what I can see here is that I'm the problem here mostly and not her. I do not have many friends, only a couple maybe who are close and my work life has been extremely slow lately with very few work on my table to keep me engaged. I constantly think about my gf and even though I try to ignore her a little more nowadays (turn off notifications from her and check my phone after a certain amount of time has passed), I feel this isn’t the right way to deal with it maybe because then when she does reply and doesn’t get a response from me she will start to delay her texts more. One thing I always struggle to put up with is change. Previously I would use to wake up to “good morning” texts from her and now they have started to get more delayed. Once again I know this is all my own mental issue but I’m having difficulty coping and dealing with this. A piece of information I can add here is whenever I try to speak to her and mention anything around breaking up with her, she breaks into tears (according to what she says). She is quite fragile from what I have observed and when in person there’s glimpses/moments there which show me she loves me but otherwise there isn’t much it in my mind. I do recall on our first date she told me how she cheated on her ex so they would break up with her as she wasn’t happy in the relationship but I don’t know if that also plays a role in sensitive behavior. This leads me to my crucial question, are you all please able to provide me some tips or advise on how I can deal with this situation and are my thoughts really just paranoia? Your advice is greatly appreciated, thanks for reading!
Redhead14 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 Hi All; Hope you're all doing well and can help provide some generous advice on my current situation. This is going to be a lengthy post because I’d like to adequately describe my situation so your attention is much appreciated. I have recently started seeing a girl since mid-Jan and we have been together for exactly 4 months now. Things at the start felt very nice and engaging and within couple of months she texted me and told me she was falling for me more each day. Soon after I stepped up and told her the magic words and she returned it to me. All seemed to be going well when all of a sudden we hit a patch where we didn't see each other for about 2-3 weeks because my mother was being a roadblock in our relationship (i.e. she doesn't fully know because she won't approve of us). To make this stressful much she lives with me which makes it hard to avoid her when going out and being questioned where I'm going. Any ways, after those couple of weeks I started to feel very lost and insecure. I started to over analyze her delays in responses and in texts and started to question her if she really loved me and so on. It got to this point where I felt as if I felt I had no chemistry with her and I doubted our compatibility because we couldn't get deep meaningful conversations going through text (i.e. it would just be small talk like "how was your day?", etc. and it made me feel like I had to keep asking her questions in texts to get a reply from her). Even though we got along perfect in person and I realized that texting is probably not her thing I still doubted our connection. To this date I still question that deep chemistry, because when I ask simple questions like "can you share with me what you believe your purpose to me is as my gf?" (Another way of asking what you bring to this relationship for me), I am left without an answer which says she doesn't know. I mean I know the answer to that but I just wanted to explore her thoughts and see if she could convey her reason behind her love to me but didn't get too far. Any who, I still feel that I lack that deep chemistry which I need and that is how I feel right now. However, I have recently read up on ROCD (Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and it seems I have some symptoms of it. In the 2 weeks as stated above we didn't see each other, I started to get really attached to her right after. I started to think that it is my fault we didn't see each other much and that I would lose her let alone let her down. I also started to get annoyed that she didn't reply to my texts right away and a part of me kept checking her online status on facebook (it made me think if she can check her fb why can't she be bothered to send me a reply or quick text? am I not that important to her?). Now before anyone has a go at me, please all understand that I acknowledge that this is dysfunctional behaviour on my end and it is foolish to think like this. I don't have any excuse for how I feel but I believe it maybe from ROCD? It has been a hellish few weeks since I start feeling like this as I've been stressing extremely and I was upset at myself and her. The stress got so high that my blood pressure had risen and I started to get shoulder pains. I discussed my stress with her briefly and stupidly told her about my attached feeling towards her and how I wanted things to go back to day 1 and she brushed it off pretty much just showing she acknowledges it. Nonetheless, what I can see here is that I'm the problem here mostly and not her. I do not have many friends, only a couple maybe who are close and my work life has been extremely slow lately with very few work on my table to keep me engaged. I constantly think about my gf and even though I try to ignore her a little more nowadays (turn off notifications from her and check my phone after a certain amount of time has passed), I feel this isn’t the right way to deal with it maybe because then when she does reply and doesn’t get a response from me she will start to delay her texts more. One thing I always struggle to put up with is change. Previously I would use to wake up to “good morning” texts from her and now they have started to get more delayed. Once again I know this is all my own mental issue but I’m having difficulty coping and dealing with this. A piece of information I can add here is whenever I try to speak to her and mention anything around breaking up with her, she breaks into tears (according to what she says). She is quite fragile from what I have observed and when in person there’s glimpses/moments there which show me she loves me but otherwise there isn’t much it in my mind. I do recall on our first date she told me how she cheated on her ex so they would break up with her as she wasn’t happy in the relationship but I don’t know if that also plays a role in sensitive behavior. This leads me to my crucial question, are you all please able to provide me some tips or advise on how I can deal with this situation and are my thoughts really just paranoia? Your advice is greatly appreciated, thanks for reading! I acknowledge that this is dysfunctional behaviour -- the more you obsess about this, the worse it will get. All this comes across to her in ways you don't even realize. She likely senses your paranoia, obsession, panick and perhaps is feeling smothered. Texting and texting over and over to get a response is needy,clingy. She's stepping back and rightly so. And, get out of texting so much. Phone calls are much more personal and gives more clarity when trying to have important conversations. In addition, you noticed her pulling away when your mother became involved. A woman doesn't want a man who is influenced by his mother and allows her to come between them. How old are you? "can you share with me what you believe your purpose to me is as my gf?" -- This question is pressuring and putting her on the spot. You could have told her what you feel her purpose is to you as a girlfriend though. I don't even like the tone of it. It's like an interview question. "What can you do for our company"? Blah .. . I'd give this woman some space for a little while. Don't text or call her for a week or so. Maybe a light text here and there, but send only one and wait for her to respond. If she doesn't respond let it be. You need to get busy with your own life and get centered and comfortable with yourself and be strong enough to stand up to your mother before you entertain the concept of having a girlfriend.
GoBlue Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 First of all, you guys have only been together four months. It's way too early to expect her to tell you all the reasons why she loves you, and then to ask "what you believe your purpose to me is as my gf?" puts this relationship somewhere it isn't even ready to go yet. The question itself sounds very self-serving. Romantic relationships that are truly "loving" are never just about one person. Love is about meeting the needs of your partner not having your needs met by your partner. How old are you? If your mom is living with you and you have a job I am assuming you're not a teenager. I'm not sure how you should deal with this situation because much of it seems to be inappropriate for where the two of you are. You are still in the discovery mode where you are getting to know one another. There seems to be an inordinate amount of pressure for this relationship to make you happy. Do you have a Pastor or close friend who you can talk to about this? Have you considered seeing a counselor? 1
Author thousandsuns Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 (edited) Thanks for your responses. To answer your questions, my mother lives with me because she is ill and doesn't have anyone else to look after her. I'm 25, however having her live in my house makes it difficult as she is really controlling sometimes. She doesn't and won't approve of my relationship so I try to keep her in the dark and provide her the very little truth I have to but when I do that she continually nags at me about why I'm going out. I don't have anyone else to speak to regarding this stuff and the problem goes deeper personally. It just makes it hard doing everyday things now because I cant even go few minutes without looking at my phone checking for her msgs unless I'm actually in a car and driving. Something just tells me this won't work out anyways. The comment about me not texting her a whole week will make it seem like a ignoring her and am mad at her if I do it out of the blue without any warnings. Last time I tried this she got a little upset and told me she didn't know what she did to upset me and for me to msg her when I like. Moreover, the issue is that I just can't connect with her again deeper level like I'm very affectionate and I'll tell her how much she means to me and what makes her special and stuff and in return all I'd get from her is "I don't know" or just silence. I know me needing justification for her feelings is basically a part of OCD, but shouldn't your partner make you feel loved and appreciated from time to time? Edited May 19, 2015 by thousandsuns
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