Under The Radar Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 Had an attractive and intelligent woman message me a few days ago interested in meeting me. Her profile mentioned no children or a prior divorce. We spoke tonight on the phone and about 5 minutes into our conversation she mentions being the mother of 2 children ages 7 and 3. She said she didn't disclose that information on her dating profile because nobody showed interest when it was overtly displayed in the past. She mentioned understanding if I was no longer interested in talking to her ...... she seemed fully prepared for me to hang up the phone. I believe she has only been divorced for a year ...... separated before that. We discussed possibly meeting this Friday evening over coffee. We had a pleasant enough conversation, but curious what others here think ...... is this riddled with red flags? Am I being naive here?
phineas Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 If she omitted children and divorce from her profile I'd seriously wonder if she even looks like her pictures. How old is she?
Author Under The Radar Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 If she omitted children and divorce from her profile I'd seriously wonder if she even looks like her pictures. How old is she? 38 Pictures look legit ...... they are dated recently ...... though it's purely fantasy until a face to face.
ColdandLonelyinAK Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 If someone can leave a detail that big out, imagine what else she could be hiding?
Hawaii51 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 Depends on how you feel about children in general, and then these huge amounts of time and energy- that aren't your genetic material. Don't settle for a woman with kids until you're a man with kids. Otherwise, in my experience, it's the same- yet opposite- as trying to date someone living with their parents. She omitted and therefore lied. There's a good reason why she gets contacted less, many guy consider it baggage. She manipulated you by making you tell her on the phone (look her in the eye) rather than skim by on a website. shiesty
Gary S Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 Are you saying she lied in her profile? Did her profile have a box for children and divorce and those were checked "no"? Or did she simply not offer that info in the written portion of the profile?
Author Under The Radar Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 Are you saying she lied in her profile? Did her profile have a box for children and divorce and those were checked "no"? Or did she simply not offer that info in the written portion of the profile? For relationship status it says single rather than divorced. For offspring it was left blank ...... there is just a dash.
Author Under The Radar Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 Depends on how you feel about children in general, and then these huge amounts of time and energy- that aren't your genetic material. Don't settle for a woman with kids until you're a man with kids. Otherwise, in my experience, it's the same- yet opposite- as trying to date someone living with their parents. She omitted and therefore lied. There's a good reason why she gets contacted less, many guy consider it baggage. She manipulated you by making you tell her on the phone (look her in the eye) rather than skim by on a website. shiesty I'm 41 ...... never married, no kids. I have no experience dating a single mother. She seemed shocked I was considering meeting ...... given her initial lack of full disclosure ...... not sure what to think.
Gary S Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 For relationship status it says single rather than divorced. - Well, that's a lie and a red flag. 1
Author Under The Radar Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 If someone can leave a detail that big out, imagine what else she could be hiding? This certainly occurred to me.
gaius Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 I wouldn't judge it so quickly as a negative. There are some women, god bless their souls, who are completely defined by being a mother, and while their hearts are in the right place that can actually be a huge negative for them and their kids. They neglect their own needs, and put their partners a distant second which just ends up leaving them unhappy and sets an incomplete and poor example for the children. I'd take the fact she didn't bring it up so quickly as an indicator she has a more healthy balance in mind than making the kids king and you the whatever's leftover. Which is exactly the kind of single mother you want to date. Not the one who whacks you with the old my kids come first right off the bat.
loveweary11 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 - Well, that's a lie and a red flag. Hmm... I put single on my OLD profile and I'm divorced. I have less contact with and value for my ex wife than a few ex girlfriends and my ex wife does not impact my life in any way at all, so is that valid? Nobody has ever had a problem when I've said, "yeah, i used to be married" as it came up naturally in conversation. Not mentioning kids though, since it definitely affects the prospective partner, seems shady to me.
PrettyEmily77 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 If she's divorced then she's single, right? I wouldn't worry about that part. Never did OLD but when I met my man, first thing he said was that he was single; it then transpired from the conversation that he was divorced a year and had 2 teenage boys. He's 42 so I kind of expected a back story of some sort. I'd never been with a single parent before (I'm 38, never married, no kids) but my guy is good enough to not mention his kids every other minute; we've been dating for almost 2 months and there's not been any pressure on me to meet them. It's not like she completely hid the fact she has kids, she mentioned them quickly into the convo so clearly she didn't want to deceive you, otherwise she'd have left it until you guys met. If you like her enough, I'd say not to judge her on that and give her chance by meeting her; you really have nothing to lose at this point. 1
Omei Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 (edited) Some people are saying its a red flag she left the info out but in reality she didnt at all, she told you just a few minutes into the conversation right away up front. When you're divorced you are single. Sounds like she's been honest shes not required to tell every personal detail within her profile as long as shes being honest to prospects faces this is good. Give her a chance. Edited May 19, 2015 by Omei 2
Gaeta Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 At 38 it shows poor character. I was expecting someone in her 20s doing something like this but at 38 you should own who you are and not try to pass 2 kids under the radar like this especially that most women in her late 30s have children.
Author Under The Radar Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 I want to thank all of the posters for their advice My experience with online dating is that relationship status is marked as divorced if the person was once married. Single is used for people who have NEVER been married. I don't care if someone is divorced, but it does make me more cautious when my first interaction with someone seems less than transparent ...... in other words, they are not completely honest on their dating profile. However, as others have mentioned, she told me the truth as soon as we transitioned to a phone call. I'm open minded and understand that people lie by omission all the time. It doesn't hurt to meet her for a coffee ...... I have no expectations ...... nobody's perfect. 2
Erised Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 I'm obsessive about honesty; however, if someone is not married or or separated, they are single. Divorced isn't a relationship status, it's something about your past. Many women leave children off OLD because fears of predators targeting them specifically. If she told you quickly, that's not trying to pull one over on you. I see nothing to be concerned about here. 1
PrettyEmily77 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 (edited) Good on you for being so open-minded . You'll have probs made her day with the mere fact you're still considering meeting her Edited May 19, 2015 by PrettyEmily77 1
GoBlue Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 I'm not sure if this is a huge "Red Flag" or not but she was honest as soon as the conversation became "live." Many men have no interest in a woman who has children before even holding a conversation. At the same time, I don't know why she wouldn't put that she has children on her profile. Most single mothers I know don't want to have anything to do with a guy if they don't like children anyway. These seem to be standard problems with online dating (telling the truth from exaggerations or outright misrepresentations). There's no real harm in going for coffee. I honestly don't know how I would feel if I were in the same boat.
misspond Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 (edited) I'm obsessive about honesty; however, if someone is not married or or separated, they are single. Divorced isn't a relationship status, it's something about your past. Many women leave children off OLD because fears of predators targeting them specifically. If she told you quickly, that's not trying to pull one over on you. I see nothing to be concerned about here. As a woman with two children I mention them in brief in my OLD profile, but not their ages because "predators" (and yes I am possibly being too cautious in this) and I certainly don't see the need to say out loud that they are the centre of my world as some do. But obviously young children are in need of care and attention and the need for baby-sitters arises, particularly if there is no contact with their other parent. But not every woman with children is looking for a surrogate/step father for them, so don't let this put you off if you like what she's presented so far. But she did mention them immediately that you began to talk so I see no subterfuge here. And her status? Well, if she's divorced she's single. Coffee is coffee, go drink coffee and chat and see what happens. Edited May 19, 2015 by misspond
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