Am I supposed to feel better after 1 year?

[kanyesgirl]

I'm looking for constructive advice on how I can move on with my life. Me, 32F. Ex, 34M.

 

A year ago I broke up with the love of my life. I didn't realize how much he had meant to me at the time, but as the cliche goes, "you dont realize what you have until its gone." We were together for 5 years and he was my first love. We moved in together and got a dog together, but since we broke up, I've stayed living in our home and has moved to another city. Moving out is not an option since rent is expensive in my town. The last time we chatted, he is happily with a new gf while I'm sitting here ruminating on the past and torturing myself in this endless cycle of punishment. "He used to love me, he used to say he would take care of me, he promised me all these things..." At times, it feels that if I think about it hard enough, something will change and he will come back. It never happens that way, does it?

 

I've done the whole laundry checklist on 'how to get over him.' No contact, check. Throw away his stuff, check. Go out with friends, check. Date and hookup with others, check. Meet new people, check. All these checkmarks, but I still find myself getting lost in my headspace, incessantly thinking about what we once had, and how I'll never have it again. I'll have a week, maybe 2 weeks of a happy streak where I'm like "YEA! I can do this! I can be independent and strong!" only to be thrown back into the ocean on a bad day, kicking off another cycle of crying myself to sleep, ruminating, and self-destructive thoughts.

 

I just want a way to stop the thoughts, a way to stop obsessing, and a way of believing that I can live a happy, content life without relying on someone. Its been a year, and I thought I would be in a better place by now...but the roller coaster of emotions still haunt me in such a way that it impacts everything else in my life. Has anyone successfully traveled down a similar road and made it out of the woods alive?

[StalwartMind]

It would be rather convenient if you could just cross things off a list and you would feel better. Unfortunately I don't think that works for the vast majority of people that invest themselves emotionally on a significant level. Should you feel better after a year? Perhaps so, but it is difficult to say as we are all different and tackle problems likewise.

 

I do believe that one thing everyone has to do is to come to terms with the situation, and I mean really truly accept that what you have now is the reality. Sure you may be aware of it, you are doing things one is "supposed" to do that will help you get better, but if your mind is still stuck in past or as you say obsessing, then all the new things you do can never be truly enjoy anyway. You do have to forgive yourself, nothing good ever comes from speculating about the things we could of done differently, the way forward is to adapt and improve especially yourself so you won't face and/or be stuck in similar situations in the future.

 

We all make mistakes, some can be catastrophically big but in the end we must learn to live with the choices we make. Hopefully we learn from them and also let them be a guide so that we can continue to develop into a better person. As to what specifically can do to help yourself move on better, there are many approaches and you've already attempted some. I don't think it's ever a bad idea to have someone good to talk to, even if it can only help you so and so far. Truthfully you are the one who has to carry the weight to move on, no one or anything can do it all for you, which I'm sure you don't expect either.

 

I can't rush or push my own emotions, not without compromising myself and I'm sure others feel similar, no matter the topic at hand. In this regard I think it's alright to feel far from ideal, but it should always work as a motivation too, so you can reach a better level of overall happiness.