grinfocus Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 My ex and I have been broken up for 2 weeks, and I have been NC for 4 days now. We dated for 5 month and it was amazing. Everything was great and we were still in the infatuation phase when it happened. About a month ago we were out with friends and I got a little tipsy and was mean to her. Just rude and cold. She had told me earlier in the evening about wanting to go out of town and meet a friend (guy) and his brother to hang out for a few days, which I am fine with. She also wanted to sleep in their hotel room with them (not sure how the sleeping arrangement would have worked?) which is what I was upset about. So I pretty much was an ass the rest of the night to her. The next few days after this event happened she slowly pushed me away. Originally she wanted to work on the relationship, but with me being insecure about it and pestering her/clinging to her I think I pushed her away. She broke up with me a week later. After the breakup, she still kept saying she just needs some space and that she still would like to try and work things out eventually. I told her that I am fine with that, but I wouldn't be able to do that if we start sleeping with other people. She got defensive and said she can't promise that and since were not dating, she wouldn't feel bad about it if it did happen. This cause us to argue for a few days, which has resulted in me telling her that I am going to stop contacting her. She is worried about my anger (we've only really ever had 1 argument) and I wold her I would go talk to a counselor about it, which I plan on doing. I don't think it is over though. She helped me get a new job through a friend of hers who I am working with now at a hospital. Post breakup she has made comments about being jealous about me getting the job and also working around nurses all day. I'm pretty sure I am on her mind since the NC started wondering how the job is going, etc. But I will not break the NC. I will let her come to me. I've learned a lot about what to do and what not to do from reading this board and also from going through a divorce last year. I'm sure my initial reaction the first few weeks of begging for another chance and looking very needy was very unattractive to her. I am a good looking person and I have confidence in that. But I do still love her and would like for things to work out. Guess it's just a waiting game now.
kasop Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 she was testing your trust and you failed by being jealous ( its happened to me)...... or she cheated but i dont believe thats the case. The fact i know here is that yal did break up and you begged for her. big no no. only chances are now is no contact. Distract yourself with other things to do. if she didn't cheat and yal did have a good relationship then give it time. give her time to miss you. i believe this is your only shot. good luck!
aloneinaz Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 The fact i know here is that yal did break up and you begged for her. big no no. only chances are now is no contact. Distract yourself with other things to do. if she didn't cheat and yal did have a good relationship then give it time. give her time to miss you. i believe this is your only shot. good luck! I'm glad you stood you ground on not particulary caring for her staying with two guys in a hotel room and hanging out with them for a couple of days. It does sound like you could of handled it better though. I'm not sure most guys would appreciate their girl putting you in that situation in the first place. Would she have been cool with you hanging out with two girls in the same situation? I bet not. If you really want to try again with her, kasop is on point. Go NC on her. She has the power now since you chased after her and turned her off. Also, take the power back if she contacts you. Tell her you need some space to think things thru in a very short reply and the stop texting her. If you really want to rattle her (if she still cares about you), go on a date or two where she learns about it. You guys are broken up. This will really p*ss her off but also scare her that you may decide to just move on.
Author grinfocus Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 she was testing your trust and you failed by being jealous ( its happened to me)...... or she cheated but i dont believe thats the case. The fact i know here is that yal did break up and you begged for her. big no no. only chances are now is no contact. Distract yourself with other things to do. if she didn't cheat and yal did have a good relationship then give it time. give her time to miss you. i believe this is your only shot. good luck! She wasn't testing me. She genuinely thought it wasn't a big deal that she stays I'm the hotel room with these guys. She had a lot of guy friends and she is a bit naive when it comes to things like this. She probably thought I wouldn't mind that she goes down there, which I don't mind.. I just felt that she shouldn't sleep in the room with them. She broke up with me because I really hurt her feelings. She said it brought back memories from a past relationship. Our r3lationahip was perfect except for this incident, neither of us was ever mean and we never fought. I just need to give her time.
Author grinfocus Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 I guess my problem is that I don't know how to handle things when she eventually contacts me. My situation is different from most others on here. We didnt break up because she lost interest or cheated. She was head over heels in love with me before the incident. Should I act cold and uninterested when she contacts me?
lolablue17 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 (edited) She broke up with you because you hurt her while you had an argument about her sleeping in the same room with other two guys??!!! It's either 1. she doesn't care for you much - you don't throw love because of one time someone hurts you. 2. She is a very selfish girl, that when things aren't going exactly her way, she breaks it all. 3. She wanted to force you to give up and let her rule the relationship, a control fight. It means that if you were Ok with her sleeping in the same room with them, It would be just the beginning of a her hanging out with many male friends without even asking you. Edited May 19, 2015 by lolablue17 1
Author grinfocus Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 I understand why she is hurt. I was very rude and mean to her. I called her a bitch in front of her friends. How I acted is unnaccectable. I know I need to work on myself and any anger issues I have. That's why I'm giving her space and eventually see what happens. I deactivated my Facebook account so I wouldn't be tempted to look at hers. I have to force myself every day not to call or reactivate my fb. Its really hard. I want to pick up my phone and tell her I miss her every day multiple times.
d0nnivain Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 . But I will not break the NC. I will let her come to me. I've learned a lot about what to do and what not to do from reading this board and also from going through a divorce last year.. What you learned was how to play games. You admit you were a jerk to her. Now although you want to reconcile you are playing with her. You think there is some sort of magic power in her coming to you. If you want to get back together reach out & apologize. If it's over, stay NC. But don't for a minute think that letting this fester in silence is going to fix anything. It will only add another level of dysfunction to an already messed up situation.
Author grinfocus Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 I have apologized many times. I even apologized to her friends. She knows I am very remorseful.
lolablue17 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 I can tell you only that... If my Gf wanted a break and would have told me she can't promise me she won't sleep with other people, I would have answered her straight away to forget me, and never contact me again ever. (maybe in a few years, when it's all forgotten)
Author grinfocus Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 Well at first it was just a break. After I begged and pleaded and made myself look weak, she completely broke it off but said she was still open to reconciliation. I told her I'm fine with that but I don't want us sleeping around with other people. That's when she said she can't promise anythinganythi. By this point she had lost all respect for me so it dient surprise me. Even after this, I still told her I love her and I would work on my anger. I told her I would give it aprox a month with NC then maybe contact her. I probably won't though. If she wants me back then she will have to make the first move.
Author grinfocus Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 I broke NC and sent her this through text... "We both need to move on. I talked to the psychiatrist at the VA today and told her everything. What I did that night and a few months ago, our breakup and us being able to sleep around until we see what happens. I was hurt from you wanting to stay in the hotel room with 2 guys but how I reacted was not acceptable, and that is something I will work on with myself in upcoming visits. I feel you did not respect me in that regard to our relationship, But wanting to sleep with others while we figure out what happens isn't the way to reconcile, and she agreed. So there will be no getting back together. I have no ill feelings towards you and I hope you find what you are looking for out there." I got "K" as a response 5 minutes later. What do you guys think? I'm fully prepared to end it... It will be hard but i will get over it.
leavesonautumn Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 I'm confused, how is it not already over? Seems to have reached an end a while ago. Just go full NC and move on. She basically said she was going to sleep around and most people who are monogamous would not feel comfortable with someone they love having sex with other people. Sure, you reacted inappropriately to the situation but I think most people would agree that it's not something they'd feel comfortable with. But wanting to sleep with others while we figure out what happens isn't the way to reconcile, and she agreed. Exactly, it's not the way to reconcile and work on an issue. It snowballs and creates more issues. Her response to what you said was brutal and says more then she really needs to.
Author grinfocus Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 I'm confused, how is it not already over? Seems to have reached an end a while ago. Just go full NC and move on. She basically said she was going to sleep around and most people who are monogamous would not feel comfortable with someone they love having sex with other people. Sure, you reacted inappropriately to the situation but I think most people would agree that it's not something they'd feel comfortable with. But wanting to sleep with others while we figure out what happens isn't the way to reconcile, and she agreed. Exactly, it's not the way to reconcile and work on an issue. It snowballs and creates more issues. Her response to what you said was brutal and says more then she really needs to. Should I reply? I wasn't planning on iit.
Author grinfocus Posted May 20, 2015 Author Posted May 20, 2015 I want to reply something like "you obviously don't care so whatever" but I think that would make me look weak.. Wbay should I do?
aloneinaz Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Should you reply? To what? There was NO REASON to send that "I'm not getting back together w/you" text in the first place. Did you think she'd read that, get all sad and scared and run back to your arms? Really?? I'm sure she got nothing but a great laugh from it, then shared the text with her friends (who also got a laugh from it) and sent the "K"... That relationship is OVER, done, finished, stick a fork in it, bury it... YOU need to accept that, leave her alone and move on w/your life. You don't want to look all needy and desperate that you keep finding reasons to contact her. She said she wanted to duck other guys for crying out loud. MOST guys would of NEVER spoken to her again..
preraph Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Sounds like the main thing to be done here since you know and admit you got out of bounds with your temper and actions is take an anger-management course. It can really do wonders to help you express it appropriately. I agree there was a conversation to be had, but as you know, you didn't handle it well. If it were me, I think I'd have given her the money for her own room. You two will have to work on your communication. But if you let her know you're doing anger management, maybe it will quell her fears. As someone who grew up with a couple of raging parents, a man on the rage can be terrifying.
leavesonautumn Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Don't reply because she doesn't care. Save your dignity.
Author grinfocus Posted May 20, 2015 Author Posted May 20, 2015 I realize that it is pretty much over. The last contact I had with her last week was me upset and telling her that I would work on my anger issues, but please give me another chance. Then I went NC for 5 days. I didn't want to end it with me looking weak so that is why sent the last text message. I do not plan on contacting her anymore, and I don't expect her to contact me. If I hear anything I will let you guys know.
aloneinaz Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 I realize that it is pretty much over. I didn't want to end it with me looking weak so that is why sent the last text message. I know it wasn't your "intent" but sending that text is exactly what you looked like. Seriously, vanish from her life and ignore her if she happens to contact you for some lame reason.
Author grinfocus Posted May 20, 2015 Author Posted May 20, 2015 I'm a mess today. I wish I had been more straight to the point and uninterested with my text last night. Guess you love and learn.
Author grinfocus Posted May 24, 2015 Author Posted May 24, 2015 Well I just got a text from her after 5 days NC. She started by saying she found some of my things in the apartment and was wondering if I wanted them back (i can't imagine it being anything significant) I told her to leave it at her door step and I will come get it tomorrow. Then she said "happy memorial day! Thank you for your service. I hope you have a great day!" to which I haven't responded to yet. Should I thank her? Or just ignore it? I'm so bad at this sort of thing...
Chi townD Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Well I just got a text from her after 5 days NC. She started by saying she found some of my things in the apartment and was wondering if I wanted them back (i can't imagine it being anything significant) I told her to leave it at her door step and I will come get it tomorrow. Then she said "happy memorial day! Thank you for your service. I hope you have a great day!" to which I haven't responded to yet. Should I thank her? Or just ignore it? I'm so bad at this sort of thing... Ignore it. Just go by and get your crap and start a hard NC. Dude, she's putting more of a value to sleeping around with other dudes than to fix a small agreement between the two of you. With NC, you need to block her from all social media! Starting today.
soulforge Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Well I just got a text from her after 5 days NC. She started by saying she found some of my things in the apartment and was wondering if I wanted them back (i can't imagine it being anything significant) I told her to leave it at her door step and I will come get it tomorrow. Then she said "happy memorial day! Thank you for your service. I hope you have a great day!" to which I haven't responded to yet. Should I thank her? Or just ignore it? I'm so bad at this sort of thing... Dude you don't need to say anything to this chick.. you need to go into strict no contact.. vanish!!!! Let her miss you, or atleast start your healing processes
lolablue17 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 (edited) No! Don't ever answer her anymore. The last text you sent her when you said "there is no getting back together", was good, it helped you, and now move on. She lost you completely. Go take care of your anger problem and your next Gf will earn from that. She was just a stage in your improvement in life. After you find new love, you'll be thanking her for all this mess. Oh, come on... you deserve a Gf who doesn't go to sleep at the same room in a hotel with male friends. Let her future Bf eat that cake of a Gf in a commited relationship sleeping in hotel rooms out of town with male friends. I advice you not to take your stuff. She will of course text you about it but you don't answer! You don't respond to anything from her anymore, even not a text says "I found 1,000,000 dollar in your shirt pocket". Edited May 24, 2015 by lolablue17 1
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