phineas Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 I have many rules. Some small some big. One of my main top rules are. 1. No exes, except where kids are concerned naturally. 2. Has to have a job 3. If she has kids the ex needs to be paying his child support. I follow those rules and jet when one is not being met and most times, life is good and drama free.
jen1447 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 Doing that will allow her to make it all about him checking her phone. It doesn't really matter tho because he already knows what he knows, he's mainly just seeing how she reacts to it. An honest person would acknowledge the lies and then maybe take issue with the snooping, which he can deal with later. A dishonest person would go straight to the snooping to deflect, so that's all he'd need to know to conclude she was lying and intended to keep lying. Jen, this isn't about him wanting to be cockolded or getting some knuckle dragging ego boost because some other dude wants to nail his girl. True, we don't know that. I was only allowing for the possibility, which is still nonetheless a possibility bc we don't really know since OP hasn't said anything about it. Moreso just a contextualization than anything else tho as regards hunk's opinion that it would turn him off and make him run ....which OP doesn't seem to be doing. 1
Redhead14 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 Hi. I've just registered as I really need some advice about my current relationship. I've been seeing my girlfriend since the beginning of the new year so over 5 months now. Everything is great - she's so easy to get on with and it's someone that I've known for years although not to hang out with - I used to occasionally give her lifts to work and vice versa. During the second half of last year I met up with her a number of times for something to eat and in November we went for a walk and she told me for the first time that she had finalised a divorce in July after being married for 8 years. She had moved out and is living on her own. During the first month or so of our relationship she told me that she had gone on dates after getting the divorce and just needed to 'fill her boots' so to speak as she and her ex-husband hardly had sex (maybe 4 times a year she told me!). Anyway, she told me that one guy she had dated turned into a very casual relationship. She told him just after a week that she wasn't ready for a full relationship but they could still have sex! Hence this guy just became a f**k buddy. I assumed when she told me that it had ended hence her now beginning a relationship with me. During Easter (early April) we went away for 4 days and she received a text from this guy which she told me about. The text read 'Have you got any plans this weekend?'. It was then that she told me that they had had a very casual relationship. I asked her what she would say to him. She said she would say that she is now seeing someone and it wouldn't be appropriate for us to meet up. Nothing else was said although she say she felt a bit bad and she is the type of person that doesn't like to upset people and as such she does keep in regular contact with her ex. But I digress. I never asked after that about this ex-f**k buddy and I just assumed she had text him what she said she would. Anyway, the other week (5 weeks after we had gone away for Easter) he text her on a Saturday about 5pm. She showed me the text on the lock screen of her phone and it read 'Hi, are you still seeing someone? x'. She could see that I was a bit peed off at this and said he was the type of guy that if he had responded she wasn't, he would have wanted to meet up that night. She then made the comment that she is 'clearly a woman in demand!' as she picked up on the way I was acting after seeing that text. For the rest of that weekend we got on fine, had great sex as usual but the fact that this guy was still texting her really bothered although I didn't say anything to her. She did tell me on Sunday that she hadn't replied to his text. I walked her home on Sunday evening (she lives literally 5 minutes walk from my house), kissed her goodnight and went home. I see her every weekend (Friday evening to Sunday evening) and once in the week - usually Wednesday when I stay over then come home on Thursday morning. I don't know what it was, maybe my insecurity from 2 previous relationships where I was cheated on both times (although they were a very long time ago) but I just started to get a gut feeling that I needed to know how she had replied to his text and whether or not she was still hooking up with this guy. So I went to see her last Wednesday evening, got on great, stayed over but I just couldn't sleep at all. I knew that I had decided to check her phone the next morning to see if she had text him back and if so what she had said. She always takes a shower in the morning before work and leaves her phone on charge. I know the passcode as I've seen her type it in (by the way, she did change the passcode on her phone just after she got that text from him at Easter!). So, I looked! She had replied (I think on the Monday) and it read 'Hey surprisingly yes I am but you'll be the first to know if I'm not Hope your good x'. There was no reply from him as of that Thursday morning. I then, stupidly, scrolled back to the text he sent her at Easter (about was she doing anything that weekend) and her response was 'I am actually seeing someone but it's early days so I'll let you know if it goes tits up!'. I then looked at the texts he had sent to her from then until now and all I can say is they were explicit to say the least. Things he wanted to do to her. Saying 'Come on you can be naughty just once ' meaning I know you're seeing someone but so what! He text her saying he was driving past her house and if he knocked on her door would she answer? She replied 'It would have to be no as I know what would happen if I did!'. He replied 'I just have a couple of wanks in the car then!'. Now it always seems that he instigates the texts and don't get me wrong, she has clearly said 'no!' to him even stating in one of her texts that she wouldn't be able to have it on her conscience. She has told me that when she's with someone she's with them. Even as bad as her marriage got she said she never cheated on her ex-husband. I really need advice! I know I'm going to get the 'you should never have check her phone- it shows complete distrust!' but this guy is really bothering me. He's obviously only after one thing and doesn't care that she's seeing someone. But what do I do? I clearly cannot admit to her that I looked at her phone and I saw her yesterday and everything is at is normally is. As far as she's concerned nothing changed and has no idea that I looked on her phone. What do I do? Her response to this guy is not 'I'm seeing someone - I can't have you contacting me anymore!' but almost like she's keeping him there in the wings in case we don't work out! He's obviously only after one thing and doesn't care that she's seeing someone -- It's not important that he's after one thing and doesn't care that she's seeing someone. What is important is that she is giving him that one thing and doesn't care that she's seeing someone? she is the type of person that doesn't like to upset people -- I doubt it's that she doesn't want to upset people, she just wants to be able to do and talk to whomever she wants regardless of how anyone else feels. If you two have declared exclusivity and she is being intimate with someone else, she's cheating on you. She may not have cheated on her ex but that isn't precluding her from doing it now. You can simply tell her that you are aware that she is keeping in touch with someone else (and you are regardless of the snooping) and that you are uncomfortable with that. If she cares enough at this point, she will "correct" the behavior herself. If she doesn't, you move on.
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