John_C Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Hi. I've just registered as I really need some advice about my current relationship. I've been seeing my girlfriend since the beginning of the new year so over 5 months now. Everything is great - she's so easy to get on with and it's someone that I've known for years although not to hang out with - I used to occasionally give her lifts to work and vice versa. During the second half of last year I met up with her a number of times for something to eat and in November we went for a walk and she told me for the first time that she had finalised a divorce in July after being married for 8 years. She had moved out and is living on her own. During the first month or so of our relationship she told me that she had gone on dates after getting the divorce and just needed to 'fill her boots' so to speak as she and her ex-husband hardly had sex (maybe 4 times a year she told me!). Anyway, she told me that one guy she had dated turned into a very casual relationship. She told him just after a week that she wasn't ready for a full relationship but they could still have sex! Hence this guy just became a f**k buddy. I assumed when she told me that it had ended hence her now beginning a relationship with me. During Easter (early April) we went away for 4 days and she received a text from this guy which she told me about. The text read 'Have you got any plans this weekend?'. It was then that she told me that they had had a very casual relationship. I asked her what she would say to him. She said she would say that she is now seeing someone and it wouldn't be appropriate for us to meet up. Nothing else was said although she say she felt a bit bad and she is the type of person that doesn't like to upset people and as such she does keep in regular contact with her ex. But I digress. I never asked after that about this ex-f**k buddy and I just assumed she had text him what she said she would. Anyway, the other week (5 weeks after we had gone away for Easter) he text her on a Saturday about 5pm. She showed me the text on the lock screen of her phone and it read 'Hi, are you still seeing someone? x'. She could see that I was a bit peed off at this and said he was the type of guy that if he had responded she wasn't, he would have wanted to meet up that night. She then made the comment that she is 'clearly a woman in demand!' as she picked up on the way I was acting after seeing that text. For the rest of that weekend we got on fine, had great sex as usual but the fact that this guy was still texting her really bothered although I didn't say anything to her. She did tell me on Sunday that she hadn't replied to his text. I walked her home on Sunday evening (she lives literally 5 minutes walk from my house), kissed her goodnight and went home. I see her every weekend (Friday evening to Sunday evening) and once in the week - usually Wednesday when I stay over then come home on Thursday morning. I don't know what it was, maybe my insecurity from 2 previous relationships where I was cheated on both times (although they were a very long time ago) but I just started to get a gut feeling that I needed to know how she had replied to his text and whether or not she was still hooking up with this guy. So I went to see her last Wednesday evening, got on great, stayed over but I just couldn't sleep at all. I knew that I had decided to check her phone the next morning to see if she had text him back and if so what she had said. She always takes a shower in the morning before work and leaves her phone on charge. I know the passcode as I've seen her type it in (by the way, she did change the passcode on her phone just after she got that text from him at Easter!). So, I looked! She had replied (I think on the Monday) and it read 'Hey surprisingly yes I am but you'll be the first to know if I'm not Hope your good x'. There was no reply from him as of that Thursday morning. I then, stupidly, scrolled back to the text he sent her at Easter (about was she doing anything that weekend) and her response was 'I am actually seeing someone but it's early days so I'll let you know if it goes tits up!'. I then looked at the texts he had sent to her from then until now and all I can say is they were explicit to say the least. Things he wanted to do to her. Saying 'Come on you can be naughty just once ' meaning I know you're seeing someone but so what! He text her saying he was driving past her house and if he knocked on her door would she answer? She replied 'It would have to be no as I know what would happen if I did!'. He replied 'I just have a couple of wanks in the car then!'. Now it always seems that he instigates the texts and don't get me wrong, she has clearly said 'no!' to him even stating in one of her texts that she wouldn't be able to have it on her conscience. She has told me that when she's with someone she's with them. Even as bad as her marriage got she said she never cheated on her ex-husband. I really need advice! I know I'm going to get the 'you should never have check her phone- it shows complete distrust!' but this guy is really bothering me. He's obviously only after one thing and doesn't care that she's seeing someone. But what do I do? I clearly cannot admit to her that I looked at her phone and I saw her yesterday and everything is at is normally is. As far as she's concerned nothing changed and has no idea that I looked on her phone. What do I do? Her response to this guy is not 'I'm seeing someone - I can't have you contacting me anymore!' but almost like she's keeping him there in the wings in case we don't work out!
I_Give_Up67 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 This could be a tricky one. But I'd say you know that you can trust your GF, looking at her phone proves that. My suggestion would be continue to treat her well, as you have been doing. Be careful of becoming insecure and mistrustful of her, as that may drive her away. She is obviously into you, and not the other guy, so keep it that way. Just continue to do what you are doing, and as long as she likes you, there is nothing to worry about. On the other hand you could approach this other guy and tell him to f**k off, but run the risk of appearing majorly insecure to your GF. So I would say just trust her for now, until she gives you reason not to trust her.
jen1447 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 (edited) What do I do? Her response to this guy is not 'I'm seeing someone - I can't have you contacting me anymore!' but almost like she's keeping him there in the wings in case we don't work out! That's exactly what she's doing. Sorry. Edited May 18, 2015 by jen1447 6
El Pallasso Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 She has one foot in the door and one foot out. Any man with self respect would kick her out completely. She is playing you for a chump and you're biting hook, line and sinker. I don't care what it is, talking to an ex, f*ck buddy or whatever is an instant next for me. I'm not going to sit around and be some insurance policy for a woman. There are millions of women out there who aren't peddling their goods on the side and entangling themselves with multiple guys. Stop dealing with toxic women like this. The truth is you're too scared and feel like you will never get pu$$y again so you want to hang on to this one no matter how bad it is. 5
Satu Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 You're plan B. End this relationship right now, and tell her to call her FB. If you don't, your relationship will come to an end the minute she meets someone 'interesting.' Time for some self-respect and dignity. Eject. 4
empresario Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Nip it in the butt. Fast. Read my story from my history if you have to. When exes are involved...it doesn't matter who you are or how good you are to the girl. All he has to do is get in front of her in some physical realm. After that, a good manipulator can used nostalgia of past flings to convince her to make a bad decision...or worse...assault her...to which she could just go along with or get severely damaged from if she tries to make it stop but gets raped anyways. Communication with exes is wrong 75% of the time. The past is the past. Keep it at that. Learn from my mistakes. Don't let things escalate. I regret every day not pushing the issue further when my last girlfriend told me she was in communication with her ex for 'closure'. If I had stopped it the second it started...I would be much less stressed right now. 1
La.Primavera Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 She didn't shut him down at all, she basically has this guy on speedial. All it will take is one disagreement with you. You have dealt with women like this in the past. A woman who respects both you and the relationship won't behave like this. 1
Sunfire73 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 You already are not trusting her. So that is not a good situation to be in. She would also feel that you're not trusting her too, because she changed her password, or that she is hiding something. In my opinion, if she has completely got over her fb, she should have blocked that guy and not let him stay in contact. She should come clean when she started a relationship with you. Keeping in contact with an ex or an exfwb is just too much trouble. 1
kendahke Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 My advice would be for you to not be deceitful and tell her you've been snooping her cell phone. You went looking for evidence that your ex cheated on you on her phone and didn't find it. She's been telling him she's in a relationship but if it goes "tits up", she'll let him know. I dare say, your relationship is about to go "tits up" because neither of you can trust the other. You should have made your exit the moment you found out she was still in continual contact with this guy. She can't make him not text her, but the fact that she said she was "in demand" and didn't block him should have told you all you needed to know to make your exit. You chose not to do that--maybe because it's been a while since you've been able to get sex and you don't know when that kind of a drought would end for you if you left her; but your being too lazy to get out of something that isn't working because you don't know when you'll get laid next is really a poor excuse to hold onto. She's not of the mind to be who you need. That much is clear here. 2
fred123 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Its what she writes him! If i wrote a girl and she was not interested she would say "no i have a boyfriend bye". The fact she is flirting with this guys by saying " i have to say no because i would know what would happen" implies she is interested in him still. He is definitely not friendzoned cos girls dont talk to a guy like that if he is a friend. If she just saw him as a male friend then fine but the way she talks to him he is lucky he always has a chance and she seems him as a sexual guy and wants to fuxk him still and would if she had a chsnce. He is not a friend haha no way 1
Author John_C Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 Thanks for all the advice so far people. One thing else that I saw from the texts earlier this year is that after we had sex for the first time on New Years eve he ended up going round to her house two days later. Her text to him was 'C u at mine at 6pm ' The day after (Sunday) I met up with her again for a coffee, she came round to mine and the rest is history as they say. I don't know - perhaps when we had sex the first time she thought that I would just be another f//k buddy rather than getting into a relationship with her. She also told me early in the relationship that she saw it as a red flag if people don't keep in touch with their exes! She's just too kind to tell people to f//k off. I'm seeing her tomorrow night and will stay over. As a final note, I am going to look at her phone again just to see if she's had any more texts from him and maybe check her call log to see if they actually speak on the phone. I'll then decide what I'm going to do but it's clear here of what the majority of you think!
empresario Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Thanks for all the advice so far people. One thing else that I saw from the texts earlier this year is that after we had sex for the first time on New Years eve he ended up going round to her house two days later. Her text to him was 'C u at mine at 6pm ' The day after (Sunday) I met up with her again for a coffee, she came round to mine and the rest is history as they say. I don't know - perhaps when we had sex the first time she thought that I would just be another f//k buddy rather than getting into a relationship with her. She also told me early in the relationship that she saw it as a red flag if people don't keep in touch with their exes! She's just too kind to tell people to f//k off. I'm seeing her tomorrow night and will stay over. As a final note, I am going to look at her phone again just to see if she's had any more texts from him and maybe check her call log to see if they actually speak on the phone. I'll then decide what I'm going to do but it's clear here of what the majority of you think! Careful about obsessing over data. Again, another addiction this community had to get me through. Knowing more, in every scenario, never makes the outcome easier. Trust her, confront her, or dump her. Those are your options. 3
Satu Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 As a final note, I am going to look at her phone again just to see if she's had any more texts from him and maybe check her call log to see if they actually speak on the phone. ! You already know everything you need to know. 2
kendahke Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I am going to look at her phone again just to see if she's had any more texts from him and maybe check her call log to see if they actually speak on the phone. Instead of being deceitful, point blank ask her and then end it when she lies, because that's what she's going to do. You already know the answer without stooping to deceit. Snooping really makes you no better than her at this point. Why would you go screw someone who doesn't think you're special enough to stop talking to her ex? 1
ascendotum Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 On the other hand you could approach this other guy and tell him to f**k off, but run the risk of appearing majorly insecure to your GF. So I would say just trust her for now, until she gives you reason not to trust her. I disagree. Him throwing a hissy fit over her getting a txt from her ex would be majorly insecure, but when the ex is a f-buddy and he's sending her dirty txts (after knowing she has a bf) and driving past her house and wanting to come in, he is well out of order, and the gf would know that and that's why she showed her bf, the few sanitized messages but kept the ones where the f-buddy is trying to backdoor him, hidden. His gf has done the right thing in telling the f-buddy she is in a relationship but from the wording of her txts its clear she enjoyed her times with the f-buddy and he is temporarily being put on ice while she sees the OP. She needs to shut the ex down more comprehensively...in fact block him now that she has let it get into dirty talk. If I was the OP - On one hand I'd be so tempted to get his mobile number and call/txt him and tell him to FO and get his own gf. On the other hand while I can continue to see their conversations I could monitor the situation and know that she is not cheating, but at some point I would blow my cool reading pushy txts from this f-buddy prick. While she doesn't respond in kind, she is leaving the door open to him, and you can bet this prick is hanging out for them to have a fight so he can offer to come over and talk & comfort her (wink wink) about it.
jen1447 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I disagree. Him throwing a hissy fit over her getting a txt from her ex would be majorly insecure, but when the ex is a f-buddy and he's sending her dirty txts (after knowing she has a bf) and driving past her house and wanting to come in, he is well out of order, and the gf would know that and that's why she showed her bf, the few sanitized messages but kept the ones where the f-buddy is trying to backdoor him, hidden. His gf has done the right thing in telling the f-buddy she is in a relationship but from the wording of her txts its clear she enjoyed her times with the f-buddy and he is temporarily being put on ice while she sees the OP. She needs to shut the ex down more comprehensively...in fact block him now that she has let it get into dirty talk. If I was the OP - On one hand I'd be so tempted to get his mobile number and call/txt him and tell him to FO and get his own gf. On the other hand while I can continue to see their conversations I could monitor the situation and know that she is not cheating, but at some point I would blow my cool reading pushy txts from this f-buddy prick. While she doesn't respond in kind, she is leaving the door open to him, and you can bet this prick is hanging out for them to have a fight so he can offer to come over and talk & What's the point of all the maneuvering tho? She doesn't respect him enough to fully disengage from the ex FB and she's being marginally deceitful about it and it's obvious he's a temp in her book, or at best a full time hire who'll be on the backburner while she continues to play around. Easy fix - either just cut out now or point blank ask (not angrily) what's the deal with this guy, accept no BS, and walk the minute she tells another lie or half truth bc that will be the hallmark of their relationship at that point. Also don't bother with the guy, it's pointless. You can chase him off as often as you like but as long as she's working against you they'll work it out eventually. He's just a detail anyway, his problem is with her. 1
DKT3 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 The thing about red flag for "NOT" talking to exes is odd. I think she may as well told you "I'm going to be talking to my ex, there is nothing you can do about it". I don't know what your confusion or question is. You know exactly what she is doing. Trying on new shoes (you) but carrying the old ones (ex fwb) in her hand. The moment she gets upset with you it will be no issue for her to slide him right back in, if she truly stopped with him to start with. You have what she said, use that knowledge to see if she wil be honest with you. If not its time to bounce. Its easier to walk away after a few months. 1
La.Primavera Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 She also told me early in the relationship that she saw it as a red flag if people don't keep in touch with their exes! She's just too kind to tell people to f//k off. Sorry, I have to call bullsh#t. He isn't an an ex boyfriend. He is a guy she had sex with. The only connection they have to one another was sex. She is playing games with him to keep him horny and wanting her. She knows exactly what she is doing! Keep checking her phone if you must, but know that every second you doing that is time wasted in getting to know a decent woman who would never disrespect you like this. 1
ascendotum Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 Also don't bother with the guy, it's pointless. You can chase him off as often as you like but as long as she's working against you they'll work it out eventually. He's just a detail anyway, his problem is with her. For me its with both. The ex is out to get her to cheat. So far in her eyes she's done nothing wrong. She told him she fine with people staying on good terms with their exes. She's showed him the txts she gets (tho not all of them). She told the ex f-buddy she is not available and she is not really flirting with her ex, just tolerating his flirting, which many will say is not even emotionally cheating. The juicy stuff is the txts he read when he snooped on her phone. Doesn't really incriminate her but her 'leaving the door open' behavior that would piss off a lot of partners. Either he has to say block the ex and come off looking insecure or say he's snooped and demands she block the guy (which will end up in a fight for sure) or just dont deal with any drama and break up with her rather than have this go on in the background, so the f-buddy can have her and he can start looking for a new gf.
jen1447 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 The last one wins in my book, but if he were going with the 'confront' option I wouldn't recommend any demands at all personally, I'd just state what I know and ask what she intends to do about it, and if it's something that doesn't sound right I'd say thanks but no thanks. Also as was pointed out above somewhere, I think we know that the giggle-giggle-"stop-you're-being-silly"-"I'm-a-good-girl"-giggle-giggle-"I-can't-cheat"-play-with-hair routine is a blueballing tease that falls squarely in the passive flirting category.
bubbaganoosh Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 [quote=John_C;6329897 She also told me early in the relationship that she saw it as a red flag if people don't keep in touch with their exes! She's just too kind to tell people to f//k off. She doesn't have to tell him to F off. All she has to do is what an adult would do. Tell the guy she's seeing someone else and that they can't spend time together any longer. If he can't get it through his head then she could send him another text more forceful but all she's doing is throwing out handfuls of bread crumbs. Time that you two set down some ground rules if this relationship is going to have any life to it. She has to make her mind up and if she refuses then make it up for her and go find someone with a bit more maturity. The F buddy has a field day being Plan B. Hell he has sex with her and she expects nothing in return except a pat on the ass and maybe a sandwich and glass of beer. In my opinion the F buddy has it made in the shade so why wouldn't he try to get her in the sack on more time. Just make sure it's not on your dime.
hunk Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 You're getting played son, kick her to the curb now. Anything else is weak and shows you're a doormat willing to put up with this garbage. She's taking her pick between you two and it's only a matter of time before she gives in to this other guy and meets him behind your back. If she was invested in the rel. she wouldn't even be replying, or she would've clearly told him not to send her messages like that anymore because it's inappropriate. She's screwing you around completely. Why do you even want to be with a woman like this? It's a complete turn off for me ... 2
jen1447 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 To be fair, some guys like it. And I don't just mean the cuckold thing either - it's like a personal validation of awesomeness by the GF being "in demand," just like the OP said the GF said. Also sometimes wanton sexuality appeals to partners. But usually for those people, actual cheating sex goes too far.
aloneinaz Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 I get what most everyone is saying here. What I also don't like is that she's rubbing in the OP's face that he's an Ex FB and he's still texting her. At the same time, let's be honest. Many of us had an FWB while single and looking for our next relationship. I don't think you need to $hit on them once we find someone. We do need to be honest and tell them we're in a new relationship so the FWB is over as is the sexting. MOST FWB's get that and will respect it. If the relationship fails, you're still on good terms with the previous FWB. This douche doesn't care and she's not shutting him down which is a big no-no.. I agree with taking the direct approach with her. I'd even go as far as to say, "look, I was curious so I looked at your phone and to be honest, I didn't like what is going on in the text between you guys".. Then, see how she responds and make the decision then. If she's get pissy about you checking her phone or anything else, buh-bye! 1
DKT3 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 I get what most everyone is saying here. What I also don't like is that she's rubbing in the OP's face that he's an Ex FB and he's still texting her. At the same time, let's be honest. Many of us had an FWB while single and looking for our next relationship. I don't think you need to $hit on them once we find someone. We do need to be honest and tell them we're in a new relationship so the FWB is over as is the sexting. MOST FWB's get that and will respect it. If the relationship fails, you're still on good terms with the previous FWB. This douche doesn't care and she's not shutting him down which is a big no-no.. I agree with taking the direct approach with her. I'd even go as far as to say, "look, I was curious so I looked at your phone and to be honest, I didn't like what is going on in the text between you guys".. Then, see how she responds and make the decision then. If she's get pissy about you checking her phone or anything else, buh-bye! Doing that will allow her to make it all about him checking her phone. It can be simple because he already has information that she omitted when they talked about it, or some would say she flat out lied. Asking her what she said to ex FWB would give him all he needs to continue or bounce. Jen, this isn't about him wanting to be cockolded or getting some knuckle dragging ego boost because some other dude wants to nail his girl. Hell, there is always a guy that wants to nail your girl. This is about her being trustworthy to invest more time and emotions in. I say hell no she isn't. Two reasons 1) that whole thing about red flags for not keeping contact with exes is over doing it, and stinks of manipulation or a set-up. 2) she is clearly being sneaky, and may have already slept with FWB in the early stages of this relationship.
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