MM acted like he wanted to get caught and did...now what? Is the MM profile?

[MistressD]

I was the other woman. I am not proud nor did I really ever expect to ever be in this situation. Well...here I am. We should never judge as we might find ourselves there. I met a MM on valentines day. We were close, travelled together. He said he was falling in love with me after 2 months. Just like many other OW's MM he acted like he wanted to get caught. I live in CO and he NC. He called me from his cell and home. We spent hours talking on line late at night. Emailed each other 10-15 times a day. We spent hours on the phone daily. He flew to CO several times or fly me to where he travelling. He had even asked me to move to NC. One day, his carelessness did get him caught. He called me and told me she knew because he left an email from up and she found it. He said he needed time to ensure he could hold things together until some major court date he had this month. I said I would rather say goodbye. He said ok. It has been complete NC on his part since then which is about almost 20 days. I have tried to email his work letting him know that it is painful and I didnt understand why he needed time except that I thought maybe he was just using me for sex and this was his way of dumping me. He doesnt respond to the email. I maybe niave and was pretty volunerable when I met him but because of all that we shared in 2 months and time we spent communicating together was more than any other man who I dated that was single makes me believe it was not just sex. But the complete NC makes me think so. I have never been involved with a married man before. It was not something I sought. It just happened and I fell hard having just got out of a long time marriage myself right before I met him. Is this they way married men operate? Do they spend more time with you than their wives, say they are falling in love after having months of sex, then just dump you cold cause thier wife finds out? Is this the pattern? Did I just believe standard lies?

[notrust]

I am starting to think it is. I don't know if they all just lie from the beginning, or if they honestly believe they feel one way, but when confronted by their wives they find out they feel a totally different way. Or if they just do whatever they want to at the moment to save their @ss.

 

I was involved for 5 years with my MM and we were extremely close. We saw each other on average 5 times a week, he called 20 - 30 times a day. He has his own business and I helped with all the bookwork. We studied his finances to see how much he would have to make to cover his families expenses plus his own when he moved out. We talked about marriage. I was his first phone call in the AM and the last one at night. We were together for 6 months before we had sex. He told me he loved me every day, several times a day. If there was one thing that I truly believed in, it was his love for me. I was patient. I never asked him to leave his wife. I was willing to wait until he felt like he could. I spent Thanksgivings and Christmas's with him. It really seemed like to me that we had a real relationship. Everything we did was as a couple.

 

He had spent a couple of nights at his brothers house and we talked and decided that he was going home to leave his wife. I talked to him as he drove into his driveway and totally believed he would be back for me.

 

That has been 6 weeks ago and I haven't heard one word from him since. Not one word. His wife called me from his phone and told me that she knew everything and that he picked her and that he didn't love me. She told me to never call that phone again. If I wanted to talk to him I could call their home phone and go through her.

 

I have never tried to contact him. I kept thinking that he would get in touch with me, but it has never happened. I am still numb and trying to deal with the way this ended. I have learned that you can't have what isn't yours. He was never mine. It just felt like that for 5 years. I have no idea what happened on his end. I know that our relationship was not only about sex. I know what things were like between us. I just don't know if he is that good of a liar, or when he saw the hurt he was causing his wife and family that he just couldn't do it.

 

Everything that I have believed to be true is now a lie. I live in a small community and have been hearing some things that he is saying. LIES!!! Horrible lies. Things like 'I tried to leave her, but she threatened to kill herself' or 'I tried to breakup with her but she threatened to tell my wife'. All of this is totally untrue. I am dumbfounded by the turn of events, but there is nothing I can do except try to get through each day.

 

As I have spent hours on this site reading every word that I can, I have figured out that MM have their own agenda and while they may appear to really care about the OW, when it comes down to giving up their financial security that becomes more important.

 

I have learned so much. My heart has been crushed and I feel like I will never be whole again. I have been trying to find my way back to God and figure out how I let my life get so out of control. I knew what I was doing was wrong and didn't stop it. I am paying for that now. I will NEVER allow myself to become involved with someone who is already involved with someone else. It is too risky and it is wrong.

 

I wish some MM would write on here honestly as to why they do the things they do. Do they ever really love the OW or are they just passing time? Is it hard on them when they decide to make their marriage work? Do they ever miss the OW or do they just go on to other things?

 

Cut your losses now and try to learn from this lesson. The road back to sanity is hard, but I am sure it is going to be worth it. I haven't had self respect for 5 years and I am working very hard to get that back.

 

Notrust

[MySugaree]

Two anguished posts by dumped Other Women. I'm so sorry ladies.

 

There's no typical Married Man(MM). Some of us meet Other Woman-to-be, and are simply smitten. The affair ignites and everything is sweet until the wife discovers the affair (she usually does, a MW is much better at the art of deception than your typical MM) or the OW begins pressuring her MM to leave the wife, kids, home and family for her. Sometimes the MM leaves. More often, he opts to remain at home rather than risk the expense, fear, uncertainty, guilt and anxiety of making a new life with someone else.

 

The OW competes not only with the wife but with her MM's sense of identity as a husband, father, family man. An affair in the beginning, when the sex is hot and the lust/attraction hormones are overflowing, is not overly threatening to the MM's sense of home and hearth. But deeper into the affair when the OW ratchets up her demands to force an exit many married men get cold feet. They ask themselves: Why should I jettison my social identity merely to trade wives given the overwhelming emotional, financial and reputational costs associated with the ordeal? The MM wants to get laid and maintain the status quo. The OW wants to change the staus quo. Hence the tension that inevitably develops in any affair with legs.

 

I don't believe that most Married Men intentionally misrepresent themselves to their Other Women. In the heat of the moment, and early on, most Married Men do feel love and affection for their Other Women. The moment does not last forever. Eventually, he almost always comes back to his roots: namely, his house, wife, kids and family. To the MM, an affair is merely an Id-Vacation for the mind, emotions and loin. Vacations eventually end, however, and one always goes back to the daily grind of every day life.

 

The sad irony is that for the usual OW--an affair is very serious business. It's the real world to her and not a mere vacation or pleasant interlude. But for her MM, an affair is mere play that always ends as he returns to the world of his marriage and the psychological and creature comforts of home and hearth. In her own way, the OW also is betrayed by her MM who promised much, much more than he ever could, or would ever want to, deliver.

 

That's why affairs almost always end.

[MistressD]

I surely dont understand the dynamics of a MM man's intentions. I do know how the OW can fall without really wanting it to be so because of the married dynamic. It happens. I am so sorry. I am not sure how you breathe without it hurting. People may not see that because we are the OW. Maybe I am niave and stupid. But, I have to believe that 5 years is something. All the time he spent with you has to be real. As for the lies he tells in the community...well I am sure it is save his reputation and face probably because it is a small town. It also sounds like there is more to why he went back to his wife and why he didnt leave even with a 5 year affair. If you know and want to share, I would like to hear it. This might be key to understand how you go on. The MM I was with has a son whom he is fighting for custody and has been for years. This month he was gonna get 50%. He loves his son and he said he needed to hold it together until after the court. He lives in NC which is a state that has at-fault laws. He could lose so much financially and with his son. His son is from a previous marriage not the current one.

 

Also, I was once the wife whom my husband cheated on. I understand that while calming the waters at home they do go through great lengths to preserve their @ss and they do feel bad for what they did. My ex decided not to see this woman but he said they never had sex but all the signs were there. I know they did. He cut off all contact with her even while we are now separated. But, I asked him to call her and end it while I listened on the other line. He had complete NC unless he got a phone card. If he had contacted her, it would have sent me reeling and ending it ugly maybe even suicide. I took it really hard. Incidentally, I couldnt forgive and it ended anyway. It took 6 months to let go. I guess I am trying to say this. That your MM is probably not in a happily reconciled state. I sense there is more to the story with him especially after the kind of relationship you have had with him. But, 6 weeks is a long time with nc. You are right! I wish an MM would write to help explain. I am moving to a different city and changing my life completely. I will never ever involve myself with a married man again. I was stupid to in the beginning. I did love him however and I am forever poisened.

[notrust]

MySugaree

 

Thanks for the visual from a man's point of view. I do believe that men and women handle affairs differently. The part that has me so confused is that my MM was so convincing to the very end. He also knows that I would have never asked him to leave or told his wife. We are from a very small community and everyone knows everyone. So was he lying that last morning when he went to talk to his wife or did he just not expect his wife to forgive him so quickly? What does a MM expect when their wives find out? Do they know all along that they will convince them to not leave the M? Are they that sure of themselves? I just don't get it.

 

MistressD

 

I would love to talk to you about my situation and yours. I have family coming over in a few minutes so I will post later. I confessed all of my "affair" sins to my family and they are being very supportive. They don't approve of my actions but are letting me know that they love me just the same. I am 42, but I feel like a kid here lately. It is nice to have a little TLC from them.

 

Maybe we will get some more insight into what MM are really all about. Calling all MM who have engaged in affairs. Let us hear your side and be TRUTHFUL.

 

Notrust

[cow]

very interesting my sugaree, of course yes it all makes sense. however, what i want to know is, does the mm have any compassion (from afar) for the ow he hurt or does he really think she should have expected as much? does he think well she asked for this by getting involved with me? or does he realise she was just a quite nice girl really who believed the unintentional deception? obviously by their words and actions they are trying to save their own a$$, but in their quiet moments are they ever sorry? and do they realise underneath the fear of exposure etc that the ow is a decent human being?? or do they try to justify their own actions by thinking of her as a dumb selfish sl~t who shoulda known better, or does the fear of exposure make them really think of her as an irrational, needy overemotional pathetic woman?

[MistressD]

MySugaree

 

Thanks...It was good to hear from a MM. Welcoming all comments from MM perspectives.

 

Similarly to notrust, I did not put pressure on my xMM either even when he said he was falling in love with me I did not say I loved him back. I never did say it to him. I never said I wanted him to leave. I would just not have wanted him to jump from her to me. He would have had to separate and divorce all on his own before I would be involved in a committed relationship with him. I would always think he was cheating on me too. Also, when he asked me to move to NC, I refused. I told him I was going to move to NYC because that is where I aways wanted to go. I also told him that I would see other people and fully expect our relationship to end at some point. I said I believed that that is the destiny of this type relationship. He said that it maybe but please give it and him a chance to see how it goes. The only "pressure" I believed that I may have put on him is that I wanted to see him more and talk to him more. I dont know why because we talked and saw each other so much anyway. I expressed that as my desire I really had other goals in mind other than making him a permanent part of my life. I just dont understand how he could end it like he did with no more contact...nothing.... when everything was still so good between us. I wanted to help him through what he was going through. But, he shut me out. He said that he needed to make decisions regarding his marriage, living situation and didnt want me to influence that. Hr said when we are together I pull him in. He didnt want that influence while he was doing what he had to do. But that he needed time.

[MySugaree]

MistressD, your description sounds like your MM was guilt-afflicted. The relationship with you or, more accurately, his strong feelings for you, may have spooked him. Early in an affair many Married Men experience a spike of dread and guilt, which is usually post-coital. Some married men persevere, others retreat back into their marriages. I leaped over my guilt-hump and moved onwards and upwards with my MW. Our affair lasted longer than 3 years. Interestingly, her marriage weathered the affair (her husband never found out); mine did not.

 

I'm legally separated and in the midst of an amicable divorce mediation. At the end, I got neither the girl nor the wife. Just another Saturday night by the keyboard. Just desserts, as they say.

 

A long term affair can sink the strongest marriage.

 

Hang in there, girl.

[MySugaree]

What does a MM expect when their wives find out? Do they know all along that they will convince them to not leave the M? Are they that sure of themselves? I just don't get it.

 

Many wives are surprisingly tenacious upon discovering the affair. These women, while not forgiving or forgetting, will work with their husbands to keep their marriages alive. I suspect that husbands are less tolerant.

 

As for why this is so, I'm not entirely sure. At the end of the day, the marriage and family, especially when kids are involved, are huge incentives to these women to keep trucking with their wayward spouses.

[MistressD]

I am not sure you can say it is your just desserts. I am a strong believer in a marriage takes two. I dont think all people cheat because they are bad or just plain cheaters. When my husband cheated, I had to take responsibility for what I did. I took a toll on his self esteem. The OW was offering that which he needed so badly. We are people. We have needs. When we marry, we have a responsibility to provide our spouses what they need otherwise why marry them ....to leave them empty. When cheating occurs, I believe there is something fundamentally wrong with the marriage. If both arent fixing it or ignoring it, then the one not fulfilled seeks elsewhere. As far as the mid life crisis thing....well...I think we as spouses should be sensitive to allow our spouses the tolerance to see them through their changes. It is all about evolution of the marriage relationship. People change constantly. If you dont allow them to change, then they leave if not physically then emotionally...men and women alike. So, I just dont want you to beat yourself up with the "Just Desserts" comment. Your affair happened and I am sure there were reasons why. Maybe those things should have been handled differently but when we are hurting or empty we do things out of our needs. Should we take the higher ground...absolutely but is it always possible to do that...not always. We are just broken people trying to survive this world and what it has dished out for us.

[MySugaree]

We are just broken people trying to survive this world and what it has dished out for us.

 

Great post, MistressD--sensitive, worldly and non-judgmental. You're right: My wife and I both ignored our marriage for years before I entered my affair with the MW. Most marriages go down with a whimper--not a bang.

 

As for my ex-MW, it's been almost a year and a half since we were together. Yet, she still calls me and suffers through her unhappy marriage with great quantities of wine, cigarettes and Ativan. But, she's still married.

 

From one "broken person" to another, thanks for the warm, insightful words.

[MistressD]

Sugaree,

 

Whose Idea was it to break off the affair? Hers or yours.... Why?

[MySugaree]

I made that decision, with great regret. I still miss her to this day. I'm never going back, however. An affair is like gorging yourself on fast food or Chinese meal: When you're chowing down it's great. After dinner, however, you feel like crap.

 

I ended it because of increasing inconvenience and a growing sense of disconnection. The highs were not as high, and the lows were getting lower.

 

Affairs, like marriages, end.

[startingover]

I have been following this thread, which has a number of insightful comments, and have just one comment to add - I am in the process of a divorce, after a husband of many years announced that he had been (but claimed to have halted) having an affair with someone at work. I had suspected a fling, but not the long term involvement that it was. He then flatly refused for almost two years to participate in any meaningful efforts to identify the issues that caused him to be unfaithful or work on putting the marriage back together. In essence, he announced his infidelity after the fact, declared the marriage "dead" but stuck around with intermittent and unconvincing efforts to claim he was part of the marriage. I probably would have been able to work through it if he had really wanted to engage (but do you know, for all that he was full of telling me how miserable he was, he never once asked if I had been happy?)

 

I finally gave up and he is now out -- and doesn't seem all that thrilled with the somewhat lonely and isolated state in which he finds himself. I am actually relieved that he is gone -- while I am desperately anxious about the effect on our kids (who are devastated), I am finding myself ready to move on with making a new life, comfortable that at least I did everything I could to try put things back together. My ex wasn't evil, he was weak, troubled, self absorbed and incapable of coping with the damage he knew he had done to the people who had cared about him most and for the longest. 6 months ago, I would have tried to work something out if he came back - we had almost 20 years together, and he was someone I had trusted and loved (I am no saint, I had been tempted during my marriage, but I chose NOT to break the promises I made). Now I wouldn't even try.

 

My point is this -- I think that sometimes it is comfortable to the cheating spouse as well as the OW/OM to take the position that "this couldn't happen if the marriage was good" - but mine was not a horrible marriage -- it was one that was going through the stage that millions go through and survive -- the stage of "too busy with careers, kids and the tasks that make up life" to spend enough time with eachother. It was fixable, but one party refused to try. Sometimes, the ultimate break down of a marriage (or affair) actually IS one person's fault. Facing problems and solving them requires bravery and often inconvenience.

[MySugaree]

startingover, do I know you?

[MistressD]

One person does usually make the ultimate decision to leave or not try. However, to believe that it is all his or her fault is not healthy nor is it accurate. Startingover.... you admit there were problems in the marriage which is something that is created between two people not one. I agree he should have handled it differently and taken the "higher" road. Bottomline is that he was not getting what he needed from the marriage and that is a two person problem.

 

There is absolutely nothing comfortable about being the OW. I cannot speak for the MM. Being the OW is sometimes more hurtful than being the W. I know as I have been both. I felt as you did when I was the W. I made assumptions then I ended up walking the shoes of OW. I m not proud but I now understand and forgive both people who did it to me. I understand my part in the failure of the marriage and take complete and total responsibility. This really frees me to understand how I will proceed in future relationships. All the reasons an affair happens and the affair itself hurts everyone not just the one being cheated on. Everyone is hurt that is involved. I know that is difficult to see when you have been cheated on.

 

When W or H has been cheated on it somehow makes them (us) believe that we are free from taking responsibility for our part in the break-down in the marriage partly because society pours sympathy on us..the cheated on. But, believe me an affair happens when their is something missing or wrong in a marriage and we cannot and should not remove ourselves from our part in the failure of the marriage. Sure...the affair itself is the decision of the cheater and s/he does have to take responsibility but again that person is broken not necessarily a bad person.

[startingover]

to Mysugaree - assuming that picture is you - no - although perhaps there are some similarities in our situations that drew me to contribute to this thread.

 

And Mistress D - I am not trying to walk away from my responsibility for the marriage become stale. It takes two to create trouble in a marriage, and I have to own that it occurred. In my situation it took one to end it -- that may well not be universally true. I am sure that there are an endless variety of scenarios. To this day my ex has not provided me, or our kids with any reason for his conclusion that the marriage was over. His lack of willingness to engage in any constructive discussion was what killed it -- not the affair -- if the affair would have done it by itself, I would have thrown him out two years ago. We are friendly and working to continue to be parents to our kids.

 

As for the OW, I really don't care what her situation is. Maybe she's happy and has moved on to a new relationship, maybe, like the person referenced in mysugaree's earlier post, she is unhappy. She isn't stupid, and she (as well as my ex) knew when they undertook the relationship that there were risks. Just as I made my decisions and am living with the consequences, so is she and so is he. I don't blame the OW for what happened to my marriage. I blame myself, but I blame my ex more. Unfortunately, our kids are dealing with the consequences too -- and they are the ones who have nothing to blame themselves for. I do not revel in my assigned "victim" role - I find it embarrassing and unnecessary. I will ultimately be fine. The victims here are the kids, who have had their world turned upside down for reasons that they don't understand and I can't explain. If I were the OW, that's who I would be wondering about late at night - did I have some part in bringing pain to some kids who just lost a family. I hope that whatever my ex has gained in his new life is worth it. For me, the sense of relief I feel now is not.

[MistressD]

When I originally started this discussion, I wondered what the MM profile was partly because he has no contact with me since his W found out. Today, however, I found out that in his state NC the W can sue the OW for alienation of affection and criminal converstaions. I wonder if that is why he has instituted no contact with me rather than it just being a profile of an MM when they get caught. I dont know...some thoughts on this...anyone? Maybe he is trying to protect me or us both.

[fanou22]

Originally posted by MistressD

When I originally started this discussion, I wondered what the MM profile was partly because he has no contact with me since his W found out. Today, however, I found out that in his state NC the W can sue the OW for alienation of affection and criminal converstaions. I wonder if that is why he has instituted no contact with me rather than it just being a profile of an MM when they get caught. I dont know...some thoughts on this...anyone? Maybe he is trying to protect me or us both.

 

 

Reality is, he is only trying to save his ass.

Look at other women's posts. Often times, it becomes the OW's fault when the affair is discovered and the MM becomes the victim.

[phillygirl63]

When I found out about my husband's affair he dumped her cold turkey. No remorse, no sadness at all. He asked for a transfer immediately (and I didn't think that was a good idea!) He gave me his cell phone and wanted me to answer the phone when she called. Most of the men that have affairs want a little excitement and attention in their boring middle aged life and they get that from another woman but they don't want to leave their wife, kids and otherwise happy home and they do not become as emotionally attached as women do (I know, it's so unfair!). So, don't let yourself be fooled thinking he's trying to protect you. Most married men are out for themselves when they cheat and when found out they going pleading and begging back to their wives.

[MistressD]

Yeah...I suppose you are right. It is like that book, "He Is Just Not Into You" if he doesnt call or makes excuses. He is just not into me. I learned a good lesson. I will never ever date a married man. I hate the fact that I ever got into it in the first place.

[phillygirl63]

He's married to someone else...he can't be that into you. And don't beat yourself up too much. Sounds like you really learned a lesson from this and are heading on a much better path. There are really nice single guys out there and if you are opened to meeting one I have no doubt you will. You deserve that for yourself.

[erika2610]

Originally posted by MistressD

Yeah...I suppose you are right. It is like that book, "He Is Just Not Into You" if he doesnt call or makes excuses. He is just not into me. I learned a good lesson. I will never ever date a married man. I hate the fact that I ever got into it in the first place.

 

Most of us felt that way looking back on it. But you learned a lesson.. came out of it a stronger person. Now maybe you can give some of your insight to other girls who're going through the same thing. Don't beat yourself up for it. We all make mistakes.. what matters is that you learned a lesson from the whole thing..

[MistressD]

Thanks Erika!

[Puppet]

well, I had 7 year relationship with MM, and I was dumped as fast as a hot potato and he went groveling back to wife.

He only contacted me after to ensure I back up his lies to her.

Initially he told her the affair was just a few months!

 

Anyways, wife stalked me and in the heat of confrontaion I told her the truth. She turned to him and asked, he lied to her face. Unbelievable.

 

He is not the man I thought he was. Now I'm picking up the pieces and trying to make sense of it all.

 

I don't believe he thinks anything good of me. The affair was an illusion. One day he loves me.... next day...I'm a nothing.

 

BUT......he is the nothing, and at least we got to see the truth. Poor wifey is still being lied to. What unites then is their anger at me. So, I'm stepping out the picture.

 

If you're with a MM....run....run away as fast as you can.....