katiegrl Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Hmm, are you sure that's what they mean? Admittedly, I am a woman so things might be different, but when I used to online date, I always stated something like 'lets start as friends first'. What I meant is that I did not want to fall into an insta-relationship and I also did not want the guy to make a move on me on the first or second date. I also wanted it to be clear that both of us were free to go on first dates with other people even if we have already met once or twice. **Maybe I worded it wrongly, but basically I wanted to make sure they knew I was not going to rush into anything and wanted to take my time getting to know them without pressure. *** Now, by that I did not mean we should be friends for months before we become romantically involved, but that it would be okay to go on up to 3 dates before we make up our minds about this. Just my 2 cents, for what it is worth. There's that word again -- "pressure"! Maybe I am not so weird after all.....
Author Gaeta Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 One other reason I don't want to play friends is because I don't kiss and flirt with friends. Dating is different in that matter even casual dating = It's courting. You don't court your friends. If I have to block my time for a man I want at least some flirting involved. If there is physical attraction I want to have fun with it, I don't want to repress it. 1
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 One other reason I don't want to play friends is because I don't kiss and flirt with friends. Dating is different in that matter even casual dating = It's courting. You don't court your friends. If I have to block my time for a man I want at least some flirting involved. If there is physical attraction I want to have fun with it, I don't want to repress it. I happen to agree with you, and if we were into each other enough to be flirting and kissing, then I guess that means we're not just *friends* anymore! Friends first is just a line to take pressure off. When you meet and determine there is chemistry....that friends first mentality goes right out the window! 1
Syberia Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Just because there's no pressure doesn't mean there isn't attraction, and that you can't act on it. I only see this as a problem if someone refuses to acknowledge mutual attraction and act on it because they want to be "friends." In which case, they don't want a relationship badly enough to be worth it.
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Just because there's no pressure doesn't mean there isn't attraction, and that you can't act on it. I only see this as a problem if someone refuses to acknowledge mutual attraction and act on it because they want to be "friends." In which case, they don't want a relationship badly enough to be worth it. Yay...we agree! In fact, when there is no pressure, two people are more likely to feel attracted and act on it...precisely *because* there is no pressure to do so! Oh hell, maybe we're really all just a bunch of commitment phobes...hating pressure and afraid to admit what we really want for fear of *scaring* the other person off. Except Gaeta and others like her of course. At least she knows what she wants and is not afraid to say so!!! Kudos to you girl. Hang in there!
Gary S Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 More information........ Katie, usually when people say they want to be "friends first" it means they have issues. It's a big, fat, ginormous, red flag. Gaeta's intuition is right on this one. 1
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 More information........ Katie, usually when people say they want to be "friends first" it means they have issues. It's a big, fat, ginormous, red flag. Gaeta's intuition is right on this one. I won't disagree with you there...in fact I know I have huge issues! My boyfriend knows too...but loves me anyway...lucky me.. In fact, I might start my first thread about one of my issues -- marriage. Won't go into it here cause I don't want to hijack, but my bf thinks I am a big commitment phobe because I don't want to get married. My reason? I think marriage takes the spontaneity out of the relationship... and I don't like the feeling of being forced to stay together via a written contract. Too much "pressure* to have to stay together....would prefer to take it one day at a time and take each moment as it comes. How's that for an issue! Lol I will start a thread about it later, my first....
Syberia Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I hate to say it, but that sounds like it could be a huge compatibility issue. If he proposed to you, would you say no?
Gary S Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Katie, you don't have any dealbreakers. You get my seal of approval -->
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I hate to say it, but that sounds like it could be a huge compatibility issue. If he proposed to you, would you say no? Oh yeah all the time, it's sort of become a joke though, cause he knows how I feel. But truthfully? He is just like me, and deep down he knows it too. If I were to ever actually agree to marry him, I suspect he'd be running for the hills. Not because he doesn't love me, he does, I love him too. We are just both incredibly independent, free spirits at heart, and can't stand feeling boxed in or pressured.... we are actually perfect for each other!!! :bunny: Perhaps one day that will change, but for now it works great...for both of us.
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Katie, you don't have any dealbreakers. You get my seal of approval --> (((hugs)))....thanks.
Syberia Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Oh yeah all the time, it's sort of become a joke though, cause he knows how I feel. But truthfully? He is just like me, and deep down he knows it too. If I were to ever actually agree to marry him, I suspect he'd be running for the hills. Not because he doesn't love me, he does, I love him too. We are just both incredibly independent, free spirits at heart, and can't stand feeling boxed in or pressured.... we are actually perfect for each other!!! :bunny: Perhaps one day that will change, but for now it works great...for both of us. I was (kind of) in your shoes once. My wife always knew exactly what she wanted, to the point that she told me she could see us getting married after 2 weeks of being in a relationship with me. Now, I was not a commitment phobe (obviously, as hearing her say that did not send me running for the hills), but marriage never meant a whole lot to me beyond, as you put it, a piece of paper and a legal contract. But she wanted her ceremony, and her dress, and her ring, and I very much loved her and knew we wouldn't be splitting up anyways, so I gave them to her, and we've had our ups and downs but not because of that. I'd feel the same way about her, married or not
Weezy1973 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 So I have been debating with this 44 yo who wants to start with 'being friends'. I asked him how long he needed to play friends before wanting it to become dating. He replied he needed one meeting. Sigh!! that's not being friends first!! That's going on a 1st meeting. Men are so afraid of words !! Yeah, that's what I was going to say. What one person means by saying "friends first" might be different than what another person means. Friendship is in fact the cornerstone of all good relationships and marriages, so wanting to be friends with your partner is a good idea. As the saying goes, romantic love = friendship on fire! 1
xxoo Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 So I have been debating with this 44 yo who wants to start with 'being friends'. I asked him how long he needed to play friends before wanting it to become dating. He replied he needed one meeting. Sigh!! that's not being friends first!! That's going on a 1st meeting. Men are so afraid of words !! I suspect that's what most of them mean. They aren't on OLD to make friends. Don't nitpick imperfect wording. They just want to meet you before they want to consider it dating. That makes sense to me. Maybe they've had experiences in the past where things got steamy before ever meeting, and then meeting was a huge letdown because the attraction just wasn't there. 2
Author Gaeta Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 I suspect that's what most of them mean. They aren't on OLD to make friends. Don't nitpick imperfect wording. They just want to meet you before they want to consider it dating. That makes sense to me. Maybe they've had experiences in the past where things got steamy before ever meeting, and then meeting was a huge letdown because the attraction just wasn't there. That is very dangerous actually. When a man says something we should understand it as what it means. I want to be friends first I want to take my time - I need time I don't want anything serious but I'm open to it with the right person To me those are all red flags that the person is not ready to reinvest themselves. Guy I am talking with and wants to start by being friends just spit out he's been single 4 months. See....... 1
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 That is very dangerous actually. When a man says something we should understand it as what it means. I want to be friends first I want to take my time - I need time I don't want anything serious but I'm open to it with the right person To me those are all red flags that the person is not ready to reinvest themselves. Guy I am talking with and wants to start by being friends just spit out he's been single 4 months. See....... Gaeta, if your gut is telling you to stay away....then please follow it, and stay away. No justifications required. Next....
Syberia Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Have you met/had a date with this guy yet? The best way to figure out what he means is to do that, then if he still wants to "be friends," you know where he stands and that he's not ready. 1
xxoo Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 That is very dangerous actually. When a man says something we should understand it as what it means. I want to be friends first I want to take my time - I need time I don't want anything serious but I'm open to it with the right person To me those are all red flags that the person is not ready to reinvest themselves. Guy I am talking with and wants to start by being friends just spit out he's been single 4 months. See....... If he says those things after meeting you, then that's one thing. If you're interested, meet him once and see if he wants to keep meeting as friend, or if he asks you on a proper date. If that latter, then you'll know.
Author Gaeta Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 We're not gonna meet. He dumped me saying I'm not serious lol
kendahke Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I understand a relationship takes time and you don't fall in a relationship over night. To me there is one way to work toward a relationship and it's called dating. Dating is seeing each other with the express intent of checking for romantic possibilities. Being friends is not dating. It's below dating. It's accepting being treated like a buddy. I agree. I'm not in this to be a grown man's buddy, eff buddy or hang out and do nothing buddy. 1
kendahke Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 One other reason I don't want to play friends is because I don't kiss and flirt with friends. Dating is different in that matter even casual dating = It's courting. You don't court your friends. If I have to block my time for a man I want at least some flirting involved. If there is physical attraction I want to have fun with it, I don't want to repress it. I agree. If a guy wants to do the "let's be friends first", then they need to understand that once they get friendzoned, that's where they're staying and there is no get out of friendzone free card. If they have an epiphany later on that they want more, it's too late and I've moved on as far as they are concerned. 1
Dybbuk Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Gaeta, in my experience it's not close minded to be guarded when this comes up. For me, when a guy did the "Let's be friends" line, he was trying to test the waters before committing himself to anything that could resemble a 'relationship' type situation. I'm not saying these guys are inherently bad guys, some could be good... but I think a vast majority are not ready for what you're ready for. Some are looking for booty, some of these guys are wanting to get 'out there' but not yet ready to be in a relationship again, some of these guys don't know what they want so they think proposing being friends is a safe catch all if they decide later they want to progress further, and perhaps a small minority of these guys genuinely feel this is how a relationship should start so in their mind they think it's only logical they say "Let's be friends". Regardless of the reason, to me if you are searching for love and creating a potential relationship, then you should be clear that is what you want, and make sure that is what he wants. Don't beat around the bush and let them do the "I believe you should be friends first before a relationship starts"; no duh! BUT I should also know that you are serious about moving forward from a casual friendship into something more committed. If a guy won't declare that he's ready for that, or tries to do it in a roundabout way to remain in a neutral zone, I assume he's going out for fun. For me those that want to do the 'let's see what happens' thing, that's fine... BUT I don't have time to waste on fickle minded men. I'm busy, I have a demanding job. The time I'm spending with you as a 'friend', I could be spending with a man who's ready to take a chance if we are both feeling it. So I usually decline communication with guys like this. ONCE I did try out the whole "Let's be friends" bit with a guy on OLD. At first we kept it casual and it was always non-sexual. We got along great! I did keep my options open because he said 'just friends'. So I received more emails, and it was at this time that I met my BF. I decided to let my new friend know that I was off the market and couldn't hangout much on the weekend evenings, but wouldn't mind keeping in touch. All of a sudden, out of the blue he said something like "Oh ok, well I guess that's just the risk you take when dating someone". In my mind I thought, uhhh we were never dating! In the end, this "friend" started pursuing me more aggressively once I had a BF. He wanted to spend more time together than we ever did as friends. It's like all of a sudden he made up his mind that "friends" wasn't what he wanted. It was a mess, and in the end I faded out because I didn't want my BF to get the wrong idea. The point is, most guys who do the "let's be friends" thing DON'T MEAN THAT ALL. Let's be friends USUALLY translates into one of the following: -Let's be friends ... with benefits. -Let's be friends because I don't want to deal with a relationship but I want to go out/have dates/have a companion. -Let's be friends until I decide what I want from you. (My case) -Let's be friends because in some weird way this prevents rejection. -Let's be friends because I'm not attracted to you enough to pursue a relationship, but I haven't had any other bites and will have some fun at least. TLDR; Always be clear. I don't want a 'friend'. I want to meet people who are interested and ready to build a relationship. IF we don't hit it off, but decide we'd rather stay friends that's cool. A man who wants to find someone knows you have to build a friendly rapport and see each other as a fun companion/friend to hangout with first before anything else. Starting off as friends is implied, but most guys are wise enough NOT to sabotage themselves and throw themselves in the "friend zone" before anything starts.
Perrier Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 The variations and interpretations of what 'friends first' means is very interesting. When I see 'friends first' on a man's profile, I move on no matter how good he looks on paper. FF or worse, 'friends only', means he is looking to increase his female circle of hang outs and/or has no interest in dating. Reminds me of a guy I met who said 'let's take this slow.' Means he has someone else or he's not interested in me. Either way it's a buddy situation, and I'm seeking romance. NEXT! PS if I told a man 'friends first', it's code for, this aint going nowhere 2
MissBee Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 (edited) Going on a date and discussing what we want further is not being friends first. It's a date. Friends first is spending time together when time allows and nothing better came along. It's last minute call 'wanna go out'. It's paying our own drinks, it's not having my hand held, it's no hugs and kisses, it's fetching my own shoe when it gets stuck in between sidewalk boards, it's getting to my car on my own at night, it's seeing him on May 15th and then not knowing when next. It's been 3 weeks since I saw my best friend, imagine if she were just a 'friend'. I agree. Unless a man is actually my friend before, meeting online to be friends first just seems like something that doesn't make any sense. If we're friends first then lets treat each other like I treat my other male friends, lets hang out, pay our own way, we definitely won't be kissing (I hug friends so we can hug) and let's be buddies and see. Otherwise, if we meet online or offline and want romance, we go on a date. Like I said, it's not like you form an instant relationship. I see dating and being in a relationship as different processes. Dating is when two people have romantic interest and go out together and spend time to pursue that interest and see if they want more. That's not being friends. Friends doesn't connote that at all and for me is strictly platonic and I don't have friends and work my way up to dating them. I date people and work my way up to a relationship with them or it falls off. In all my experiences when it was said it meant NSA. With men who wanted to date they didn't have any need to say it or give some special friends disclaimer...we just went out like normal people interested in dating, not being friends, and we hung out, it was still no pressure, but it was clear we were interested in romance and not acting like buddies. Edited May 18, 2015 by MissBee
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