Author Gaeta Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 He may have been using the *friends* line as a way to take the pressure off...and he IS actually looking for a long term relationship. Meh, that's weak.
Author Gaeta Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 You will never know what they mean unless you ask them. Since I'm the type who would likely make this type of statement, here's exactly what it would mean for me: Of course I want a relationship. I'm on a dating site, after all. Yes, I'd love to date you, and I'd love a relationship if it works out. But I'm not trying to force anything, and don't want you to feel any pressure, so I'm using the phrase "friends first." If there's chemistry, of course I will be open to pursue it. I feel people on dating sites looking for a long term relationship should have worked past their inner fear and 'feelings the pressure'. And how long would you play friends?
Syberia Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I feel people on dating sites looking for a long term relationship should have worked past their inner fear and 'feelings the pressure'. And how long would you play friends? Probably not very long.
Author Gaeta Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 Probably not very long. What do you consider not very long?
Syberia Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I wouldn't be willing to be "just friends" longer than one "date," and if I'm using the word "date," I guess I wouldn't be willing to be "just friends" at all. I guess half the point I was trying to make, and that you seem to have driven home, is that people use a poor choice of words sometimes. It's likely that at least some of these people who want to "be friends" are doing the same, possibly because they might even think it's what you want to hear.
MissBee Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I've been exploring a new site and so far all men that have been in contact with me want to start with being friends. They give me this same speech that a good relationship starts with being friends first and who knows how it may develop. Maybe I am being old fashion but I don't need more friends, I don't want to play friends with some dude that will continue dating around and possibly sleeping around. To me it's just another way of being friends with benefits. You would not believe how many times I had to say 'sorry I don't do friends'. Am I too close-minded? I don't like it either. It's generally code for I'm going to waste your time and I'm not looking for something serious. Look: online dating is a different beast than say you're organically friends with a man offline and things over time develop into more. That's one thing. Going online to look for friends and then see if it develops into more makes no sense to me. We're obviously not going to form an insta-relationship, but if the goal is to ultimately find a romantic relationship then there is no real need to say "we can start as friends." In ALL the experiences I've had this has been said by men who didn't really want a relationship. 2
Syberia Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 We're obviously not going to form an insta-relationship, but if the goal is to ultimately find a romantic relationship then there is no real need to say "we can start as friends." Yeah, alright, you ladies win . I guess that's just called dating.
Author Gaeta Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 Yeah, alright, you ladies win . I guess that's just called dating. So did offering a friendship first work for you?
Syberia Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I haven't the slightest idea. The last time I dated anyone was 9+ years ago (but yes, we were "friends" before that for 3 years, due to a completely different set of circumstances). I was just saying I can see why someone would use the phrase and what might be meant by it.
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 (edited) Meh, that's weak. Not for me it isn't. See for me, and I have mentioned this before on other threads, the main reason I don't like on line dating is precisely because of that *pressure* to *connect.* When you meet someone spontaneously in real life, you start chatting and see what develops, if anything. It is an easy, free-flowing spontaneous convo ....essentially as *friends.* If there is a spark, then one or the other asks for number and/or asks the other out. So what started out as a *friendly, no pressure to connect* conversation has now escalated to a *date.* On the date, you discuss what your respective long term goals are. IMO, this is the premise of *friends first.* If I were to date on line again, I would actually prefer that a guy feel this way. It is more spontaneous. Agree to meet, as *friends* ...with zero expectation to *connect.* When that expectation is lifted, and there is no pressure to connect, THAT is when two people are more likely to connect. At least that is how it is for me. But to each his own. If it doesn't work for YOU, that is okay!!! Edited May 18, 2015 by katiegrl 2
Syberia Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 (edited) Katie, I think this argument is simply one of semantics, and we're all saying essentially the same thing. If you both meet on OLD, with the intention of forming a relationship with "someone," then it seems she's saying you were never friends, nor did you have any intention of being friends, where you and I seem to be saying that it's possible to just get to know someone in a friendly, no-pressure manner, with the full intention of progressing to "dating" if things go well, without calling it dating from the start. Regardless of what it's called, it's all the same thing headed to the same goal. Edited May 18, 2015 by Syberia
Author Gaeta Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 Not for me it isn't. See for me, and I have mentioned this before on other threads, the main reason I don't like on line dating is precisely because of that *pressure* to *connect.* When you meet someone spontaneously in real life, you start chatting and see what develops, if anything. It is an easy, free-flowing spontaneous convo ....essentially as *friends.* If there is a spark, then one or the other asks for number and/or asks the other out. So what started out as a *friendly, no pressure to connect* conversation has now escalated to a *date.* On the date, you discuss what your respective long term goals are. IMO, this is the premise of *friends first.* If I were to date on line again, I would actually prefer that a guy feel this way. It is more spontaneous. Agree to meet, as *friends* ...with zero expectation to *connect.* When that expectation is lifted, and there is no pressure to connect, THAT is when two people are more likely to connect. At least that is how it is for me. But to each his own. If it doesn't work for YOU, that is okay!!! Going on a date and discussing what we want further is not being friends first. It's a date. Friends first is spending time together when time allows and nothing better came along. It's last minute call 'wanna go out'. It's paying our own drinks, it's not having my hand held, it's no hugs and kisses, it's fetching my own shoe when it gets stuck in between sidewalk boards, it's getting to my car on my own at night, it's seeing him on May 15th and then not knowing when next. It's been 3 weeks since I saw my best friend, imagine if she were just a 'friend'. 1
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 And how much time to you play <friends> ? Until you determine whether or not there is mutial chemistry...usually on the first date, but for others, it may take longer... I dunno, I don't respond well to pressure, and that *pressure to connect* right off the bat doesn't work for me. I would rather start out as friends, and if there is a spark, let that tension and uncertainty build..just like in real life. But that is why I don't like on line dating...and refuse to to do again. Just doesn't work for me...
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Going on a date and discussing what we want further is not being friends first. It's a date. Friends first is spending time together when time allows and nothing better came along. It's last minute call 'wanna go out'. It's paying our own drinks, it's not having my hand held, it's no hugs and kisses, it's fetching my own shoe when it gets stuck in between sidewalk boards, it's getting to my car on my own at night, it's seeing him on May 15th and then not knowing when next. It's been 3 weeks since I saw my best friend, imagine if she were just a 'friend'. Gaeta why are we arguing about this? You asked for opinions, I gave you mine. If it doesn't work for you, again it's okay! To each his own.
Syberia Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 (edited) Until you determine whether or not there is mutial chemistry...usually on the first date, but for others, it may take longer... Oh so now you're calling it a date... and you wonder why us men have no idea what you want, lol. Even if we want the same exact thing in the end, if we say we want to start as friends, we'll push the Gaetas of the world away, and if we say we just want to date and connect with someone, the Katies won't be interested. We're all just using different words to describe the same thing here. So going back to the OP, apparently you are being closed-minded, as you're judging others based on your own idea of what they mean when they say something. Have you ever been on a date with any of these "friends" people? Because it's possible they don't mean it the same way you think they do. Edited May 18, 2015 by Syberia 1
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Oh so now you're calling it a date... and you wonder why us men have no idea what you want, lol. Even if we want the same exact thing in the end, if we say we want to start as friends, we'll push the Gaetas of the world away, and if we say we just want to date and connect with someone, the Katies won't be interested. We're all just using different words to describe the same thing here. So going back to the OP, apparently you are being closed-minded, as you're judging others based on your own idea of what they mean when they say something. Have you ever been on a date with any of these "friends" people? Because it's possible they don't mean it the same way you think they do. Lol, okay excuse me, first "meet* ...or sometimes longer.....better? :) 1
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Oh so now you're calling it a date... and you wonder why us men have no idea what you want, lol. Even if we want the same exact thing in the end, if we say we want to start as friends, we'll push the Gaetas of the world away, and if we say we just want to date and connect with someone, the Katies won't be interested. We're all just using different words to describe the same thing here. So going back to the OP, apparently you are being closed-minded, as you're judging others based on your own idea of what they mean when they say something. Have you ever been on a date with any of these "friends" people? Because it's possible they don't mean it the same way you think they do. Third paragraph -- agree!
jen1447 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Going on a date and discussing what we want further is not being friends first. It's a date. Friends first is spending time together when time allows and nothing better came along. It's last minute call 'wanna go out'. It's paying our own drinks, it's not having my hand held, it's no hugs and kisses, it's fetching my own shoe when it gets stuck in between sidewalk boards, it's getting to my car on my own at night, it's seeing him on May 15th and then not knowing when next. It's been 3 weeks since I saw my best friend, imagine if she were just a 'friend'. I totally get Gaeta here, FWIW.
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Nope, I only do dates now *Dates* as friends first? That's a new one...but okie doke! :p
Author Gaeta Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 So I have been debating with this 44 yo who wants to start with 'being friends'. I asked him how long he needed to play friends before wanting it to become dating. He replied he needed one meeting. Sigh!! that's not being friends first!! That's going on a 1st meeting. Men are so afraid of words !!
Syberia Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 (edited) *Dates* as friends first? That's a new one...but okie doke! :p Depends on who you ask... *shakes head in confusion* ...wait, what are we talking about again? So I have been debating with this 44 yo who wants to start with 'being friends'. I asked him how long he needed to play friends before wanting it to become dating. He replied he needed one meeting. Sigh!! that's not being friends first!! That's going on a 1st meeting. Men are so afraid of words !! Sounds like he wants what you want. Hey, when you're the one who always has to take the bigger risk, you find ways of hedging your bets. Edited May 18, 2015 by Syberia
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I totally get Gaeta here, FWIW. For the record, I get Gaeta too..and acknowledge that most who date on line would agree with her too. But again though, that is why I would never use dating sites again....for ME, I prefer to meet spontaneously in real life and see what happens. I know weird, huh. Especially in this day and age and so many dating sites....oh well, hopefully I won't ever to worry about it...
Gottabestrong Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I don't want to play friends with some dude that will continue dating around and possibly sleeping around.. Am I too close-minded? Hmm, are you sure that's what they mean? Admittedly, I am a woman so things might be different, but when I used to online date, I always stated something like 'lets start as friends first'. What I meant is that I did not want to fall into an insta-relationship and I also did not want the guy to make a move on me on the first or second date. I also wanted it to be clear that both of us were free to go on first dates with other people even if we have already met once or twice. Maybe I worded it wrongly, but basically I wanted to make sure they knew I was not going to rush into anything and wanted to take my time getting to know them without pressure. Now, by that I did not mean we should be friends for months before we become romantically involved, but that it would be okay to go on up to 3 dates before we make up our minds about this. Just my 2 cents, for what it is worth. 1
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 So I have been debating with this 44 yo who wants to start with 'being friends'. I asked him how long he needed to play friends before wanting it to become dating. He replied he needed one meeting. Sigh!! that's not being friends first!! That's going on a 1st meeting. Men are so afraid of words !! Just as I thought...he only said it as a way to take that *pressure to connect right off the bat" off the table. Doesn't sound like you are too thrilled with him regardless....
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