Gaeta Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I've been exploring a new site and so far all men that have been in contact with me want to start with being friends. They give me this same speech that a good relationship starts with being friends first and who knows how it may develop. Maybe I am being old fashion but I don't need more friends, I don't want to play friends with some dude that will continue dating around and possibly sleeping around. To me it's just another way of being friends with benefits. You would not believe how many times I had to say 'sorry I don't do friends'. Am I too close-minded?
PegNosePete Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I think it's most likely a reaction to many women's profiles saying that this is what they want. Why not just reply that you have friends already thanks but if they want to meet up for a DATE then you wouldn't say no. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 It's just a guy's way of saying he wants to test the waters with NSA first. After all, if you're "friends", you're not technically dating or lined up for a commitment. But trust me "friendship" is the last thing on their mind. 2
Gary S Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Oh brother Gaeta, and here I thought it was just the women stating on dating sites that they want to be "friends first". Friends turning into lovers is a 1 in 100 shot. Don't waste your time with them. 1
Redhead14 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I've been exploring a new site and so far all men that have been in contact with me want to start with being friends. They give me this same speech that a good relationship starts with being friends first and who knows how it may develop. Maybe I am being old fashion but I don't need more friends, I don't want to play friends with some dude that will continue dating around and possibly sleeping around. To me it's just another way of being friends with benefits. You would not believe how many times I had to say 'sorry I don't do friends'. Am I too close-minded? It's not about them telling you they want to start out as friends. All relationships basically do start out as friends. You can't know if the person you go on a date with is going to end up being a romantic relationship right away. The real question is what do they want for themselves in the long run out of their dating journey. Do they want a committed relationship or just a casual relationship. You should have a casual conversation about that. You can say something like "I'm looking for a committed relationship at some point with some one" and then let them talk. 2
Syberia Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I might say that as a way to ease the pressure for both of us, but if something develops, then it develops, and I wouldn't fight it because I'm trying to be "just friends."
Author Gaeta Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 They go on about wanting to build a complicity first. Ya right! Personally I feel you have complicity from the start or you don't have it. It's called compatibility.
losangelena Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 No. When I hear that spiel, I automatically think the guy means "friendship" as "all the benefits of a relationship but not the commitment." You don't need a dating site to meet friends. Conversely, if these men really thought friendship first was so important, they'd be hanging out with their female friends and not on a dating site. Please. 1
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 It's not about them telling you they want to start out as friends. All relationships basically do start out as friends. You can't know if the person you go on a date with is going to end up being a romantic relationship right away. The real question is what do they want for themselves in the long run out of their dating journey. Do they want a committed relationship or just a casual relationship. You should have a casual conversation about that. You can say something like "I'm looking for a committed relationship at some point with some one" and then let them talk. Agree with Red. It may be they are just saying that in an attempt to take the *pressure* off. I mean, think about it. Once you meet and determine you have great chemistry...I highly doubt they will want to be just friends. It is a way to take the pressure off....it works sometimes, sometimes like in your case, it is a turn off. 1
Author Gaeta Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 It's not about them telling you they want to start out as friends. All relationships basically do start out as friends. You can't know if the person you go on a date with is going to end up being a romantic relationship right away. The real question is what do they want for themselves in the long run out of their dating journey. Do they want a committed relationship or just a casual relationship. You should have a casual conversation about that. You can say something like "I'm looking for a committed relationship at some point with some one" and then let them talk. I understand a relationship takes time and you don't fall in a relationship over night. To me there is one way to work toward a relationship and it's called dating. Dating is seeing each other with the express intent of checking for romantic possibilities. Being friends is not dating. It's below dating. It's accepting being treated like a buddy. 2
Redhead14 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I understand a relationship takes time and you don't fall in a relationship over night. To me there is one way to work toward a relationship and it's called dating. Dating is seeing each other with the express intent of checking for romantic possibilities. Being friends is not dating. It's below dating. It's accepting being treated like a buddy. Dating doesn't mean you're even going to be friends either. If they ask you for a date, go on the date and see how it unfolds. Why limit your dating pool and potential based on a simple, almost obvious statement. Then have a conversation about what they are looking for out of dating. If you're not on the same page, so be it. It's very unlikely that they are on the site just looking for a "friend". And, if that's the case, they have other issues anyway. But you just don't know yet. 1
Diezel Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Being friends is not dating. It's below dating. It's accepting being treated like a buddy. Said every guy ever that has been Friendzoned. Welcome to what most men go through for most of their lives. 2
Toodaloo Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Oh sod it Gaeta. Just talk to them and see what happens. Just remember to keep your knickers on and your feet on the ground. If they want to be friends only then treat them as such. 2
lollipopspot Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Become friends with them and then ask if they have any guy friends who are interested in dating whom they could introduce you to. 6
Redhead14 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 This scenario is one of the reason people lament that they can't get dates. They are running potential dating partners through such a fine screened filter that nothing gets through. Simple, innocuous statements or actions are being "read" into rather than being supported by actual and in person observation. 3
Author Gaeta Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 Become friends with them and then ask if they have any guy friends who are interested in dating whom they could introduce you to. Love it !.............
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Oh sod it Gaeta. Just talk to them and see what happens. Just remember to keep your knickers on and your feet on the ground. If they want to be friends only then treat them as such. Agree with this too. Just go meet and see how it plays out. If there is chemistry, fabulous! That is when you determine what you both want long term. It's interesting.... in another thread you said you don't believe anything a guy tells you on the first three dates. But yet, in this case, you are choosing to take what he is saying as gospel before ever even meeting! I also think you are allowing your past with thrse guys to affect the present. Not fair. And in a way, it IS closed minded. An open mind and flexibility will take you a lot further than close mindedness and rigidity. Just sayin
Author Gaeta Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 C'mon guys, you really think men in their 40s want to be friends? I don't believe one word of it. If you are not ready to <date> then you should not be on a <dating website>.
jen1447 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Become friends with them and then ask if they have any guy friends who are interested in dating whom they could introduce you to. That would actually be pretty epic.
Author Gaeta Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 Agree with this too. Just go meet and see how it plays out. If there is chemistry, fabulous! That is when you determine what you both want long term. It's interesting.... in another thread you said you don't believe anything a guy tells you on the first three dates. But yet, in this case, you are choosing to take what he is saying as gospel before ever even meeting! I also think you are allowing your past with thrse guys to affect the present. Not fair. And in a way, it IS closed minded. An open mind and flexibility will take you a lot further than close mindedness and rigidity. Just sayin Oh dear, no. Having chemistry does not mean he will want a relationship with me. Remember jewelry? That was his reasoning. Lets just meet and see if we have chemistry, I am open for it to become more. There was chemistry alright! sex on second date then I got filed as 'occasional booty call'. I don't believe what men say that's why I don't believe they want to be <friends>. They want to be FWB. Not the same.
Rejected Rosebud Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 C'mon guys, you really think men in their 40s want to be friends? I don't believe one word of it. If you are not ready to <date> then you should not be on a <dating website>. they said friends FIRST not that they just want friends, right? Whatever, I would meet them if you are interested! No need to go to the "fwb" or "nsa sex" or whatever with any of them that is all your choice!!
Author Gaeta Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 And how much time to you play <friends> ?
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Oh dear, no. **Having chemistry does not mean he will want a relationship with me. ** Remember jewelry? That was his reasoning. Lets just meet and see if we have chemistry, I am open for it to become more. There was chemistry alright! sex on second date then I got filed as 'occasional booty call'. I don't believe what men say that's why I don't believe they want to be <friends>. They want to be FWB. Not the same. Asterisk above -- did not say that. I said *if* there is chemistry, THAT is when you discuss what your long term goals are. It is very possible he may only want FWB. But then again, he may have been using the *friends* line as a way to take the pressure off...and he IS actually looking for a long term relationship. But you won't know any of that until you at least meet .. in person. Keep and open mind and stop over thinking.....and try not to let your past negative experiences affect your present experiences. :)
Redhead14 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 And how much time to you play <friends> ? Until you get to the point of being intimate. That is where the rubber meets the road. If you are at the point of being intimate, you have an upfront, adult conversation about whether they want a relationship or casual relationship for themselves. Even at this point, they or you might not know if you want a long term relationship with each other yet. In the meantime, you should be evaluating how they are treating you in order to determine whether or not they are being sincere if they tell you they want a relationship before getting to the intimacy. If they are treating you with respect, communicating consistently and scheduling dates and seem to be truly enjoying your company, when you have that conversation about exclusivity, you'll be able to believe them. If they are giving you any doubts up to that point, then you may not want to be intimate with them. Sure, they could tell you what you want to hear when it gets to the point of intimacy, but if you've spent enough time with them and they are sincere, you'll have a sense as to whether you can trust them.
Syberia Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 You will never know what they mean unless you ask them. Since I'm the type who would likely make this type of statement, here's exactly what it would mean for me: Of course I want a relationship. I'm on a dating site, after all. Yes, I'd love to date you, and I'd love a relationship if it works out. But I'm not trying to force anything, and don't want you to feel any pressure, so I'm using the phrase "friends first." If there's chemistry, of course I will be open to pursue it. 1
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