Northern_One Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 My apologies for length. I really don’t know what to do. I love my girlfriend in a way that I never imagined I could love somebody before, and I honestly cannot imagine my life without her. There is one particular area that is causing the two of us such grief though and I do not know how to handle it or even what my feelings should be around this. My girlfriend really loves to tease me sexually. I distinctly view it as a tease instead of a flirt because I know that she has zero intention of actually initiating sex during these times. She will get naked in front of me, fondle me, or otherwise get me riled up. Then things will abruptly stop and she seems to move on to asking what we should have for dinner or remarking on chores that have to be done for the day. This is royally confusing to me and my constantly getting aroused only to be denied and ignored is causing extreme frustration on my part. I have tried talking to her about this before but it seems to cause her great consternation. She tells me that her touching me doesn’t need to lead to sex, which I actually agree with one-hundred percent; however, the frequency of this combined with the almost complete lack of follow-through being really painful is something I am having a difficult time getting her to understand. This is causing me great consternation too because I historically have an extremely difficult time expressing my needs, and to see such a strong reaction when I try to ask her to dial it back makes me want to buck up and recede because it affects her so strongly. I feel like my denial of my own needs is the only thing that has made things work in the past, and that is not only in the context of this relationship. It is really in the context of my entire life. I feel like such an enormous scumbag right now. I tried talking with her about this last night because the teasing was driving me up the wall again but it never went anywhere. I actually finally came up with a solution in that instead of touching me sexually she could touch me sensually, like by caressing my arm or neck or by putting her hands on my side from behind. I value tenderness way more than outright sexuality, especially when the latter stops long before it goes anywhere despite how receptive I try to appear. But instead of actually being able to propose what I think might actually be a very good solution, she withdrew almost completely before I could say it. We both lost our appetites (she made a really nice dinner too) and proceeded just to crash in bed. She promptly had a panic attack while I held her just trying to calm her down; having had many panic attacks in the past I know that they are horrible to go through. Seeing what I did to her seems to have set off a trigger in my brain and now I feel like I need to go back into extreme self-denial again just to try and make this work, because in my life whenever I have tried to assert myself it always ended up poorly, often with others suffering or with me being outright punished for it. The last thing I want to do is make her feel miserable, especially when it is entirely because of something I did. I really don’t know what to do here. I want the constant teasing to stop because it frustrates me to no end, but for her it seems to be an innate part of her sexuality. I don’t want to hurt her again, but this is hurting me too. What can I do?
Toodaloo Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Perhaps she likes to keep the "fires burning" while she is no actually home if that makes sense? You do need to talk to her. Either that or if its that bad for you next time she puts her hands on you like that move them to somewhere else.
Gary S Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 How is she teasing you? Give an example, tell the whole story.
Author Northern_One Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 How is she teasing you? Give an example, tell the whole story. There are multiple ways this happens. Full disclosure: we are both trans women, so keep that in mind so as to hopefully avoid confusion. I tried to not specifically say how she teased me earlier in hopes of keeping it simple. She will grab my ass and then proceed to mimic giving me anal. Oftentimes she will back against me and then mimic mounting me and receiving anal. She will pretend she is giving me a blowjob. She will fondle my breasts, either through my shirt or by putting her hands up my shirt. She will talk dirty and often in a very blunt and explicit way. She will grab my genitalia through my clothes and try to get me hard. She will get naked in front of me and bend over teasingly and slowly as she changes clothes. She will mimic giving me a handjob by either using my fingers as a stand-in for my genitals or she will actually do the motions near my groin. She will breathe on my neck and kiss me there while whispering seductively. She will take my hand and either put it up her shirt or down her pants. This happens multiple times a day on a daily basis. When I actually try to follow through, which I feel too defeated now to do with any real frequency, she acts like I am doing something really weird.
Toodaloo Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 You need to talk to her about this one... Her acting as though you are weird when she has turned you on is peculiar behaviour... Ask her why she does it and what she wants from it. What does she think you get from it? Time for an open and frank discussion and until that discussion has happened I would just back away or move her hands to another part of your body. You can always use the words "stop" and "no" as well...
Gary S Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Teasing too much is not nice. You will probably have to practice tough love. Cut off romance and affection... when she touches you or tries to hold your hand or hug you, pull away. When she says, "What's wrong"?! - that's your cue to have a calm conversation with her, she's ready to listen and change. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. It needs to be their own idea for best results.
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