I_Give_Up67 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Seriously... I've always hated dating, and in retrospect may be the main reason I'm here on LS today. While the initial excitement of the first few dates is fun for me, it quickly becomes a drag in terms of time and my busy schedule. After sitting on the sidelines for a very long time, as a single and completely unattached man, I am ready to give it another try. I've recently met someone that I like, and I want to be careful I don't fall back into my old pattern of shortcutting the dating process, once it becomes physical. A good example of my past dating shortcuts, is the woman that I married. We dated for one month before I proposed to her, two weeks later we were living together. We were married six months later, and one year later we were separated headed for divorce. This is just one example of my several relationship disasters. Since I've never really been a big believer in dating, how long is reasonable to "date" someone new? I would like to get a general idea of what has been successful and worked for other members? I am by no means desperate to be in a relationship, but with that being a possibility now that I've met someone, I really want to "date properly" to really get to know her.
Redhead14 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Seriously... I've always hated dating, and in retrospect may be the main reason I'm here on LS today. While the initial excitement of the first few dates is fun for me, it quickly becomes a drag in terms of time and my busy schedule. After sitting on the sidelines for a very long time, as a single and completely unattached man, I am ready to give it another try. I've recently met someone that I like, and I want to be careful I don't fall back into my old pattern of shortcutting the dating process, once it becomes physical. A good example of my past dating shortcuts, is the woman that I married. We dated for one month before I proposed to her, two weeks later we were living together. We were married six months later, and one year later we were separated headed for divorce. This is just one example of my several relationship disasters. Since I've never really been a big believer in dating, how long is reasonable to "date" someone new? I would like to get a general idea of what has been successful and worked for other members? I am by no means desperate to be in a relationship, but with that being a possibility now that I've met someone, . I really want to "date properly" to really get to know her -- then that's what you should do. Take it one date at time, let things unfold naturally. Don't invest yourself too quickly. Manage your emotions and expectations for quite some time. Take it in stages. First month or two, casually dating, spending time together, consistent communication and consistent dates. When you two decide to become intimate, you ask for exclusivity and be clear about what that means. Some people feel that exclusivity means boyfriend and girlfriend, some people feel that it means that they are only sexual with that person while casually dating others. In my book, exclusivity is the stage between casually dating and deciding to be boyfriend and girlfriend. It is the period where you are continuing to evaluate compatibility on a deeper level and then deciding whether or not to be boyfriend and girlfriend. When you two want to be boyfriend and girlfriend, it is yet another stage of evaluation. Go slow, enjoy the time with her one date at a time. 2
d0nnivain Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Yes dating is required. How about you simply rename it Getting to Know the Other Person. I would say you need to date for at least a full year -- to see how you each handle various situations: happiness, joy, stress, the flu, family, the holidays etc. to determine compatibility. 6
jen1447 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I don't think dating ever really ends, does it? I mean, even after you become a couple, you should still go on dates. If you regress into a sitting on the couch type relationship, the luster's bound to wear off quickly. Unless you mutually agree that's your thing. 4
preraph Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 One reasons marriages get stale is because one or the other partner stops dating and doing fun things out of the house. You should never stop doing entertaining things and being one on one with your partner. 2
Author I_Give_Up67 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 I really want to "date properly" to really get to know her -- then that's what you should do. Take it one date at time, let things unfold naturally. Don't invest yourself too quickly. Manage your emotions and expectations for quite some time. Take it in stages. First month or two, casually dating, spending time together, consistent communication and consistent dates. When you two decide to become intimate, you ask for exclusivity and be clear about what that means. Some people feel that exclusivity means boyfriend and girlfriend, some people feel that it means that they are only sexual with that person while casually dating others. In my book, exclusivity is the stage between casually dating and deciding to be boyfriend and girlfriend. It is the period where you are continuing to evaluate compatibility on a deeper level and then deciding whether or not to be boyfriend and girlfriend. When you two want to be boyfriend and girlfriend, it is yet another stage of evaluation. Go slow, enjoy the time with her one date at a time. Thank you Redhead! Reading through your reply, it seems very commonsensical. However, I'm embarrassed to say that even at my age, I have never done this before. Thinking back, I can see where this no doubt lead to some major issues in past relationships.
Redhead14 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Thank you Redhead! Reading through your reply, it seems very commonsensical. However, I'm embarrassed to say that even at my age, I have never done this before. Thinking back, I can see where this no doubt lead to some major issues in past relationships. Dating for a relationship is a process, not an event. Enjoy the process and make the most of it. Don't rush it. 1
Author I_Give_Up67 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 Yes dating is required. How about you simply rename it Getting to Know the Other Person. I would say you need to date for at least a full year -- to see how you each handle various situations: happiness, joy, stress, the flu, family, the holidays etc. to determine compatibility. I don't think dating ever really ends, does it? I mean, even after you become a couple, you should still go on dates. If you regress into a sitting on the couch type relationship, the luster's bound to wear off quickly. Unless you mutually agree that's your thing. One reasons marriages get stale is because one or the other partner stops dating and doing fun things out of the house. You should never stop doing entertaining things and being one on one with your partner. Thanks ladies! Again, very common sense points, and very true! I don't want to ever fall into the "homebody" trap ever again in a future relationship.
Syberia Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Yes dating is required. How about you simply rename it Getting to Know the Other Person. My wife and I joke that we never dated. Of course, we got to know each other quite well over the course of 3 years while being 400 miles apart. So no, we never technically dated, but the moment we were (physically) close to each other, we progressed from that (we both told each other we were "just friends," but what "friends" regularly stay up until 4 in the morning talking on the phone to each other) to boyfriend/girlfriend, and were living together within 6 months. We've been married for 5 years now and together for 9. So "dating" in the traditional sense may not be necessary, but getting to know someone is. 1
chelsey Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I think going on too many formal dates is a sign that things aren't clicking. I'm kind of shy but i know right away if I want to get to know someone better. I don't want to be impressed with dates, i want to get to know a person. when i'm into someone it happens quickly. if you can pull off a "let's cook together" date early on i'm all for it, i think that is where real closeness starts, and you should already know after one date. 1
kendahke Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Seriously... I've always hated dating, and in retrospect may be the main reason I'm here on LS today. While the initial excitement of the first few dates is fun for me, it quickly becomes a drag in terms of time and my busy schedule. After sitting on the sidelines for a very long time, as a single and completely unattached man, I am ready to give it another try. I've recently met someone that I like, and I want to be careful I don't fall back into my old pattern of shortcutting the dating process, once it becomes physical. A good example of my past dating shortcuts, is the woman that I married. We dated for one month before I proposed to her, two weeks later we were living together. We were married six months later, and one year later we were separated headed for divorce. This is just one example of my several relationship disasters. Since I've never really been a big believer in dating, how long is reasonable to "date" someone new? I would like to get a general idea of what has been successful and worked for other members? I am by no means desperate to be in a relationship, but with that being a possibility now that I've met someone, I really want to "date properly" to really get to know her. Are you shortcutting the dating process because you're trying to get laid? You're being a bit thirsty here. You don't give yourself enough time to learn about the person before you jump in up to your eyeballs to the point where it costs you to get out of it. A lot of what you've learned about your ex you would have learned had you taken your time and observed her before bringing the state into the matter through marriage. At the very least, you need to date for about 6 months--you need to get well past the end of the "honeymoon" phase where everyone is on their best behavior. Once the "representatives" have been sent on their way and the real you comes to the fore, that's when you discover whether or not you can make a go of things with the real them. You are trying to date and then marry the woman's representative, and no one stays on their best behavior like one does in the first months of an involvement, which is why you found yourself in a divorce court within one year. Slow down. There is no rush in things like this. 1
alphamale Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 no dating is not necessary. in east indian culture we have arranged marriages that have much success. of course divorce happens but not at the rate of western marriages 1
Author I_Give_Up67 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 Are you shortcutting the dating process because you're trying to get laid? You're being a bit thirsty here. You don't give yourself enough time to learn about the person before you jump in up to your eyeballs to the point where it costs you to get out of it. A lot of what you've learned about your ex you would have learned had you taken your time and observed her before bringing the state into the matter through marriage. At the very least, you need to date for about 6 months--you need to get well past the end of the "honeymoon" phase where everyone is on their best behavior. Once the "representatives" have been sent on their way and the real you comes to the fore, that's when you discover whether or not you can make a go of things with the real them. You are trying to date and then marry the woman's representative, and no one stays on their best behavior like one does in the first months of an involvement, which is why you found yourself in a divorce court within one year. Slow down. There is no rush in things like this. Thanks Kendahke, I would not say it's because I'm trying to rush into bed. But rather that I tend to bond with someone very quickly and feel that I know them. This has been the root cause of all of my relationship woos. I am determined not to rush the process in the future. I've only very recently realized what I thought was dating was in fact just going through the motions on my part. This I am determined to fix!
Author I_Give_Up67 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 I think going on too many formal dates is a sign that things aren't clicking. I'm kind of shy but i know right away if I want to get to know someone better. I don't want to be impressed with dates, i want to get to know a person. when i'm into someone it happens quickly. if you can pull off a "let's cook together" date early on i'm all for it, i think that is where real closeness starts, and you should already know after one date. Good points, I think a mix of formal and inform dates would suit me much better than always going out. I never thought about too many formal dates being a bad sign either. Thank you!
Author I_Give_Up67 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 no dating is not necessary. in east indian culture we have arranged marriages that have much success. of course divorce happens but not at the rate of western marriages Alpha, Where do I sign up?
cessna Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I think it all hinges on how you define a 'date'. My ex of three years and I never really went on what I'd call a date but the process was similar I guess. We decided to meet up in London but it was very casual, very relaxed and very informal. It never felt like a date but maybe that was because we both naturally just got on and had a laugh. It was easy. As a couple we still went out for dinner or drinks as Jen says, which is important. I loved treating her to a nice meal or a few fancy drinks and, although the relationship didn't need it, it kept things moving along nicely. 2
Author I_Give_Up67 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 I think it all hinges on how you define a 'date'. My ex of three years and I never really went on what I'd call a date but the process was similar I guess. We decided to meet up in London but it was very casual, very relaxed and very informal. It never felt like a date but maybe that was because we both naturally just got on and had a laugh. It was easy. As a couple we still went out for dinner or drinks as Jen says, which is important. I loved treating her to a nice meal or a few fancy drinks and, although the relationship didn't need it, it kept things moving along nicely. Thanks Cessna, I tend not to be a formal person, although I do enjoy getting dressed nicely to go out occasionally. I like the approach you speak of, casual and a bit of formal would be my ideal dating arrangement.
Mrlonelyone Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Yes dating is required. How about you simply rename it Getting to Know the Other Person. I would say you need to date for at least a full year -- to see how you each handle various situations: happiness, joy, stress, the flu, family, the holidays etc. to determine compatibility. This is true unless you are coworkers, students in class together as in college etc. Then you have lots of time to get to know the person and can skip some but not all of the formal dating. Dating is about getting to have fun and spend one on one time specifically with that person. It does not have to be a big production. It can be as elaborate as dinner at a French Resturant and ballroom dancing or as simple as meeting for coffee and going for long walks. What makes it a date is the feelings you both have. Here's how I'd break it down, this is passed on from my parents and long married relatives. Date for a year, don't live together, don't do anything more than get to know eachother. If after that year you are still together get engaged and/or move in together. Then live together for a year maybe two years. If after that two years of living together and year of dating you aren't ready to actually marry them... move on and start over. On the other hand there are plenty of couples where they felt that they just knew they found "the one" from day one. (At least that is how they tell their story when the relationship is going well.) 1
SoulCat Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I think the dating phase is a great excuse to do silly, adventurous and slightly off beat things, maybe tinted with a little romance. Go paintballing, have a picnic in your local park or a visit Six Flags type venue. Spend a night at home on the sofa snuggled under a duvet (comforter I think for you US folks) watching movies. Go hiking, have dinner in a posh restaurant. Attend a football/basketball/baseball/ game together. Maybe an art gallery or museum, or go to a barn dance. Mix it up, have fun. See how they other person reacts to the situation. Taking someone out of their comfort zone (not on the first or second date, obviously) and see how they are will give you an indication on how they can and may adapt to 'real life' situations down the line. 1
Versacehottie Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Dating is the glue and foundation for what follows, I truly believe that. Can't rush it to get to the end result. There are a lot of benefits to going thru the dating process and "courting" your girl and not rushing. They don't have to be formal at all. Should be an expression of who the two of you are and how things unfold and the "good" uncertainty is something that you will be grateful for this time around. Good luck 1
Syberia Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Alpha, Where do I sign up? At Lowe's, in the garden section, apparently. 1
Author I_Give_Up67 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 At Lowe's, in the garden section, apparently. I may may need a Plan B
alphamale Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Alpha, Where do I sign up? you have to have indian parents, the mom does most of the work finding suitable matches 2
todreaminblue Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Yes dating is required. How about you simply rename it Getting to Know the Other Person. I would say you need to date for at least a full year -- to see how you each handle various situations: happiness, joy, stress, the flu, family, the holidays etc. to determine compatibility. i like that getting to know the other person.....forming a close friendship ....easing a person into knowing you to see if they actually can get along with all aspects of your life and personality to determine compatibility..not only that but it sort of portrays i feel a vested interest in knowing a person.....not can i date ya.....lets go out......doesnt seem permanent to me......but i would like to know you better....so unsaid to me is......i would like to know who you are.....better....meaning time ...effort ...and understanding.........deb 1
alphamale Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 The most important rule to remember about dating is that there are no rules to dating. that's good advice e32 1
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