Feelings

[Clarkwg]

Iv been seperated for about 6 months now from a long but unhealthy relationship.

I still have to see my ex weekly for drop off & pick up my daughter. It only takes a few seconds each time & I don't even speak to her however everytime I see her & her new mans car at her house it drives me mad inside.

It was a crap relationship by anybody's standards & she is not a nice person, she is a selfish, controling junkie with mental/emotional issues but I still get these painful feelings of jealousy every week.

Is this how it's gonna be forever for me now?

I don't actually want to be with her as she is no good for me so what is it exactly that I'm jealous of? Why can I not just be neutral on the issue now?

[aloneinaz]

It sounds like she's moved on and has someone in her life and you don't? If you're still alone, your feelings are normal. I don't think you miss her but miss the companionship of a relationship.

 

It does take time to fully get someone out of your system. Even if it was a toxic relationship and the other was a POS to you. Don't beat yourself up. If you are still single, focus on meeting a much better partner for the future.

[Ruby65]

In time you'll get over her -- even now, you recognize intellectually she's a trainwreck and not worthy of you, even if your heart hasn't caught up yet.

 

In the coming years, your daughter will be getting older and I'm guessing it's HER relationship with her psycho-junkie mom -- and shielding her from the emotional abuse -- that will become your primary focus on that front.

 

Hopefully by then you'll have moved on to your future new way-better girlfriend who will be a stable source of love -- and true role model -- for your daughter growing up.

 

[Clarkwg]

In time you'll get over her -- even now, you recognize intellectually she's a trainwreck and not worthy of you, even if your heart hasn't caught up yet.

 

In the coming years, your daughter will be getting older and I'm guessing it's HER relationship with her psycho-junkie mom -- and shielding her from the emotional abuse -- that will become your primary focus on that front.

 

Hopefully by then you'll have moved on to your future new way-better girlfriend who will be a stable source of love -- and true role model -- for your daughter growing up.

 

Iv known she is a train wreck & not worthy of me for years & years years but like a bad drug addiction, I couldn't make a clean break from her, the withdrawal was always too painful so I hung around when I had every reason not to & just got worse & worse addicted to her.

[Ruby65]

Iv known she is a train wreck & not worthy of me for years & years years but like a bad drug addiction, I couldn't make a clean break from her, the withdrawal was always too painful so I hung around when I had every reason not to & just got worse & worse addicted to her.

 

Well, luckily for you she finally ended things so you don't have to worry about that anymore!

 

Now it's just a matter of recovery.

 

This is the BEST possible course, for you and your daughter both.

[Clarkwg]

Well, luckily for you she finally ended things so you don't have to worry about that anymore!

 

Now it's just a matter of recovery.

 

This is the BEST possible course, for you and your daughter both.

 

I agree with everything you say 100% we are not compatable, we have different values, morals, principles, priorities etc

It's just that little issue of recovery you mention that just so happens to be the hardest & most painful thing iv ever been hit with

[Downtown]

Clark, I agree with the advice given to you by Ruby and Alone. Unfortunately, your recovery is made more difficult by your need to repeatedly see your exGF when exchanging your daughter. Hence, if your exGF actually has strong BPD traits as you believe, you should consider yourself lucky that you've being doing as well has you have.

 

Of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM 5), BPD is the one most notorious for so utterly confusing the abused partners that many will seek therapy to find out if they are losing their minds. The result is that therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going crazy -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves. You therefore are to be commended for managing to break away from that toxic relationship six months ago -- and to stay away.

[dangerbang]

I agree with everything you say 100% we are not compatable, we have different values, morals, principles, priorities etc

It's just that little issue of recovery you mention that just so happens to be the hardest & most painful thing iv ever been hit with

 

Hi Clark. Sorry to hear this is still painful for you. I've been NC with ex-lunatic fiance for maybe 5 weeks or so now and it seems to be passing my by at this stage.

Try some meditation, headspace.com, it has really helped me. Not just in getting over herself but also life in general.

You know that relationship would never work for you so just try and get that drilled into your head and leave her to her messy lifestyle. Your daughter is no. 1 now.

[Clarkwg]

Clark, I agree with the advice given to you by Ruby and Alone. Unfortunately, your recovery is made more difficult by your need to repeatedly see your exGF when exchanging your daughter. Hence, if your exGF actually has strong BPD traits as you believe, you should consider yourself lucky that you've being doing as well has you have.

 

Of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM 5), BPD is the one most notorious for so utterly confusing the abused partners that many will seek therapy to find out if they are losing their minds. The result is that therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going crazy -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves. You therefore are to be commended for managing to break away from that toxic relationship six months ago -- and to stay away.

I don't think i can really be commended for staying away as I chased her back for about 2 months & would have been with her again had she have let me even though I knew it was wrong & we were toxic together.

 

It was actually me who ended it in December cos I really had had enough & could not take anymore. I was cool with the decision & it wasn't a problem at all. Then in February I found out about this new man which was actually someone she was involved with before me 10 years ago & has stayed in touch (& at his house behind my back) with throughout out time together.

When I found this out it made me think I wanted her more than anything iv ever wanted. So I chased & chased, she then told me she wasn't with new man anymore which made me chase more, at this point she used me & abused me knowing I was putty in her hands to do with as she wished. She got intimate with me then told me it's not what she wanted & within two days got back with other man & gives him hugs & kisses in front of me whilst I'm picking my child up.

That was mid April & it's only since then that iv blocked her number & had nothing to do with her.

Edited May 18, 2015 by Clarkwg

[Downtown]

I don't think i can really be commended for staying away as I chased her back for about 2 months & would have been with her again had she have let me even though I knew it was wrong & we were toxic together.

Depends on how you look at it, Clark. Granted, it is the BPDer -- not the excessively care-giving partner -- who typically ends these toxic relationships. Usually, the BPDer walks out after 12-15 years because she grows increasingly resentful of her partner's inability to make her happy (an impossible task). And, as the years go by and she sees her body aging, she becomes increasingly fearful of abandonment.

 

From my perspective, however, you did commendably well. Whereas you got out in only 10 years, it took me 15. Whereas you were left in your home, I was handcuffed and placed in a holding cell for three days because my BPDer exW had called the police and claimed I had brutalized her. And, whereas you still had access to your home, a restraining order prevented me from returning to my own home for 18 months (the time it takes to get divorced in this state). And, whereas you still have access to your daughter, I was cut off from all five of my step kids.

 

My point then, Clark, is that -- for the excessive caregivers like us that are drawn to BPDers in droves -- walking away is extremely difficult to do. Because BPDers have the emotional development of a four year old, walking away from them feels to us like we are abandoning a sick young child -- i.e., anathema to our way of thinking. And, for the same reason (immaturity), they typically are extremely vindictive and nasty during the breakup period.

 

I therefore believe that you're doing quite well for being only 6 months into a healing process that may take two years (after coming out of a 10-year toxic relationship). Yet, if it makes you feel any better, I will commend you only for what you've managed to accomplish since April. Bravo for the past two months!

[Clarkwg]

Depends on how you look at it, Clark. Granted, it is the BPDer -- not the excessively care-giving partner -- who typically ends these toxic relationships. Usually, the BPDer walks out after 12-15 years because she grows increasingly resentful of her partner's inability to make her happy (an impossible task). And, as the years go by and she sees her body aging, she becomes increasingly fearful of abandonment.

 

From my perspective, however, you did commendably well. Whereas you got out in only 10 years, it took me 15. Whereas you were left in your home, I was handcuffed and placed in a holding cell for three days because my BPDer exW had called the police and claimed I had brutalized her. And, whereas you still had access to your home, a restraining order prevented me from returning to my own home for 18 months (the time it takes to get divorced in this state). And, whereas you still have access to your daughter, I was cut off from all five of my step kids.

 

My point then, Clark, is that -- for the excessive caregivers like us that are drawn to BPDers in droves -- walking away is extremely difficult to do. Because BPDers have the emotional development of a four year old, walking away from them feels to us like we are abandoning a sick young child -- i.e., anathema to our way of thinking. And, for the same reason (immaturity), they typically are extremely vindictive and nasty during the breakup period.

 

I therefore believe that you're doing quite well for being only 6 months into a healing process that may take two years (after coming out of a 10-year toxic relationship). Yet, if it makes you feel any better, I will commend you only for what you've managed to accomplish since April. Bravo for the past two months!

Even though I ended the relationship I was kind of driven to it & the previous 100 it was her who had finished it & me that had gone back begging her to get it back on.

when you put it like that vs your situation I guess I have a lot to be grateful for.

Iv still got everything I always had except a stressful relationship.

As for seeing my child, I don't think that would ever change, not because my ex cares, more to do with she likes to off load her on to me on a weekend so she can be free of kids to do drugs & stuff with her new man all weekend. Having our daughter there would be a burden on her & her lifestyle so while ever I'm taking our child & giving my ex that free time as well as giving her maintenance money to finance her drug fuled lifestyle, I don't think my weekend access will be compromised anytime soon.

Edited May 18, 2015 by Clarkwg

[aloneinaz]

I'll also commend you on FINALLY getting loose from the woman if she had BPD or components of it.

 

My ex GF that I dated for 1.4 months w/a few break ups in there, has to have it. I'm about 99% sure of it. I've read on BDP in women and in dating one. OMG... it all but NAILED her and her all over the place emotions. Toxic is the best way to discribe a relationship with a BPD partner. They are like a drug. When they are kind, sweet, sexual, attentive, it's like that first hit of cocaine.. ADDICTIVE! The problem is, that sweet person I'm discribing vanishes after the honeymoon phase and you continue to chase that first "high" that never reappears.

 

What's sad is I KNEW this girl had some issues and was a bit "off" after the first month. Red flags started showing and my little voice was YELLING at me.. The problem was the addiction had started to grab me tightly and I couldn't get away from her.

 

Now, two years since it ended, I feel lucky to be alive! There are STILL parts of her I miss but they are only about 5% of her. The other 95% was a living hell!