jackny123 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I currently live in a studio apt in a very noisy, crowded and dirty air part of Manhattan (my windows face the rooftop of several restaurants and I get smoke/cooking exhaust seeping in my windows). I've been living in this apartment for 7 months and have an opportunity to move in with a platonic female friend in a quiet area of the East Village about six weeks from now. I'd like to make this change for three reasons: a) I'd save $700 a month in rent, b) my friend would own the lease so I could move anytime I want to again and c) I'd avoid the noise, smoke/restaurant exhaust and hustle of where I live now. There's one issue: my girlfriend has said in the past she is jealous of my close relationship with this female friend. Also, this female friend and I drunkenly made out two years ago twice and nothing else, which my gf is aware of. I have no feelings for this female friend emotionally beyond friendship or sexually, so I'm not worried about anything happening. However, how do I explain this move to my gf without her getting very mad? She likes my current apt because I live alone in a studio and we can commute to work together after she stays over. My new apt location would be inconvenient for her to commute with me. It would mean she is mostly around my female friend that she is jealous of whenever she comes over. Etc. I don't want to harm my relationship, but I need to make this move for my finances, for my health and to get better sleep. Any help/insight as to how I can soften the blown when I tell my gf would be appreciated.
d0nnivain Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Given that your GF already doesn't like this roommate & knows that you & she previously made out, there is no scenario where she will be happy that you & this other woman will be sharing close quarters This move may cost you your relationship. Best case you lay out the facts & hope for the best. Do NOT get defensive when your GF freaks. Do not say "you don't trust me." Other than not move ask if there is anything you can do to make her more comfortable. I don't think any of the above will work but it's your best shot. 1
El Pallasso Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Girlfriends will come and go like the four seasons. Your health and well-being will be with you forever and you alone shall suffer the consequences. Your girlfriend will not suffer the effects of the horrible location of your apartment, possible lung cancer from all that pollution, possible decrease in hearing from all that noise etc. Do what benefits YOU. If your girlfriend cannot understand your decision and make a fit, she was never really a good girlfriend to begin with then. It will only be a problem if YOU make it a problem. Don't live your life uncomfortably just because someone doesn't like it. 3
Redhead14 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I currently live in a studio apt in a very noisy, crowded and dirty air part of Manhattan (my windows face the rooftop of several restaurants and I get smoke/cooking exhaust seeping in my windows). I've been living in this apartment for 7 months and have an opportunity to move in with a platonic female friend in a quiet area of the East Village about six weeks from now. I'd like to make this change for three reasons: a) I'd save $700 a month in rent, b) my friend would own the lease so I could move anytime I want to again and c) I'd avoid the noise, smoke/restaurant exhaust and hustle of where I live now. There's one issue: my girlfriend has said in the past she is jealous of my close relationship with this female friend. Also, this female friend and I drunkenly made out two years ago twice and nothing else, which my gf is aware of. I have no feelings for this female friend emotionally beyond friendship or sexually, so I'm not worried about anything happening. However, how do I explain this move to my gf without her getting very mad? She likes my current apt because I live alone in a studio and we can commute to work together after she stays over. My new apt location would be inconvenient for her to commute with me. It would mean she is mostly around my female friend that she is jealous of whenever she comes over. Etc. I don't want to harm my relationship, but I need to make this move for my finances, for my health and to get better sleep. Any help/insight as to how I can soften the blown when I tell my gf would be appreciated. How long have you and your girlfriend been together? If it's long enough, why wouldn't you consider living together and sharing expenses between you two? If it's not that long, you don't owe her anything. If she cares for you enough, and all this is affecting your health and well-being, she'll need to suck it up. That being said, it is a sticky wicket. You will have to toe the line very closely to make your girlfriend feel secure. That by itself, will cause you discomfort and lose sleep. When you tell her, you need to be very clear about the affect the current situation is having on you, of course. You could put a positive spin on it and remind her that saving $700 a month will enable you to spend more money on her Good luck with this.
darkmoon Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 i would start seeing other males, getting the drift about the wonderkid you have decided to live with, knowing i must indulge you and wonderkid with a pretend happy face, meh
CarrieT Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Best case you lay out the facts & hope for the best. Do NOT get defensive when your GF freaks. Do not say "you don't trust me." Other than not move, ask if there is anything you can do to make her more comfortable. Repeated for truth. I predict the GF relationship won't last if she already doesn't like the platonic friend.
darkmoon Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 (edited) why are you not asking your girlfriend to share a new home? red flag time, sorry, but that is ime Edited May 18, 2015 by darkmoon 1
PegNosePete Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I don't want to harm my relationship, but I need to make this move for my finances, for my health and to get better sleep. Sorry but I don't think you can have your cake and eat it in this scenario. As said above if you must go ahead with this then just explain the reasons calmly and logically and be prepared for an ultimatum. It would make sense to decide which is most important to you in advance, so you're not caught off guard. 1
Diezel Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Looks like you get to choose between better living or a girlfriend. Choose wisely.
O'Malley Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I have no feelings for this female friend emotionally beyond friendship or sexually, so I'm not worried about anything happening. But are you certain about your friend's feelings? Truly platonic friends aren't typically having multiple make out sessions. I understand the temptation to see this as your best solution, but I'd explore any other options you have before committing to this, even if you won't save as much. It's preferable to find a roommate that you're neutral about, rather than someone where there's history. Your girlfriend doesn't like situation as it is and even if it doesn't bother you that this relationship will fizzle out because of it, you can bet that there will be other women who won't be thrilled about it either.
Gary S Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 How long have you and your girlfriend been together? If it's long enough, why wouldn't you consider living together and sharing expenses between you two? . - Bingo. I normally recommend waiting at least 18 months to move in with a girlfriend, but in this case, if the relationship is solid, it might make sense.
Author jackny123 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 OP here: Many thanks for the replies thus far. Some details based on the responses - A) The gf and I have been together eight months. Too soon to move in. We're both 27 years old. B) The platonic female friend and I were involved in the two examples I cited over two years ago. Since then, we've both dated other people with no issues. There are no lingering feelings there. C) I plan to ask my gf for her input via email (I'm much better at writing than talking in real time). Any other thoughts would be appreciated and thanks for your time.
d0nnivain Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 C) I plan to ask my gf for her input via email (I'm much better at writing than talking in real time). Any other thoughts would be appreciated and thanks for your time. Given how upset your GF will be your refusal to talk to her face to face about this highly emotional subject is another slap in the face. I'd dump a guy who didn't have the balls to discuss this with me. An e-mail, really? UGH!!!! The e-mail or anything other than face to face communication will guarantee you don't come out of this with the relationship AND the apartment. Grow up & learn to communicate with people. Stop hiding behind technology. 2
Author jackny123 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 @d0nnivain Nobody is hiding behind technology and your comment is a bit uncouth. My gf has the tendency to overreact emotionally in the moment and then calm down later and apologize after her "logical self' has taken over. Bringing this up in some pseudo-serious discussion in real time would make this much bigger than it really is. I'm asking her for her input before I make a decision. It's quite simply an email laying out the reasons why the move might make sense and giving her space and time to process it, digest it and respond accordingly. 1
losangelena Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 OP, I think it just comes down to what you think is most important, and whether or not your proposed plan of action is the best/only option. I totally support your need to find a better living situation—and you should do what's best for youself in that regard—but I question whether moving in with this platonic female friend is the best solution. Yes it SEEMS like the best option, but have you looked into others? Did she offer to let you move in? Did you hear about the opening in her place and ask about it? Had you been actively looking to move before this offer arose? I'm sure, if you look hard enough, you could find a similarly suitable living situation, and have it be with someone your GF doesn't feel threatened by. I think you should at least try and have this conversation in person as well. If my BF sent me an email of similar content/quality, I would feel even worse about the situation.
d0nnivain Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 You know her better than I do but I have never seen a discussion about an emotional subject go well over technology. My opinion is that doing anything except speaking to her face to face is bad idea. Do what you want but I do not see this ending with you getting what you want: the ability to keep your GF and live with this female friend.
El Pallasso Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 @d0nnivain Nobody is hiding behind technology and your comment is a bit uncouth. My gf has the tendency to overreact emotionally in the moment and then calm down later and apologize after her "logical self' has taken over. Bringing this up in some pseudo-serious discussion in real time would make this much bigger than it really is. I'm asking her for her input before I make a decision. It's quite simply an email laying out the reasons why the move might make sense and giving her space and time to process it, digest it and respond accordingly. Nothing is more unattractive to a woman than a man who can't make decisions on his own.
d0nnivain Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Nothing is more unattractive to a woman than a man who can't make decisions on his own. In this context I don't think that applies. the OP is trying to take his GF's feelings into consideration which is a good thing. However the outcome he desires, his GF being happy with his new female roommate, is not probable.
Diezel Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 In this context I don't think that applies. the OP is trying to take his GF's feelings into consideration which is a good thing. If he really were taking his GF's feelings into consideration, this option of moving in wouldn't even exist. 1
CarrieT Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 @d0nnivain Nobody is hiding behind technology and your comment is a bit uncouth. Sorry, I'm calling BS on this. d0nnivain is spot-on with the assessment and there is nothing uncouth about the analysis. You can't face talking to your girlfriend in person and dealing with the fall-out, so you have to put it in an email!?!? That is what is known as being afraid to face the repercussions. 3
Syberia Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 "Platonic" or not, I would not move in with another single female, particularly one with whom I've made out with in the past. It's a huge sign of disrespect, and she has every right to dump you over it. Talk to her about it. In person. She might even be the one to suggest living together. After 8 months, you should know each other well, and if a situation presents itself where this is the most convenient option, I see no reason not to. I'm not sure what everyone is afraid of by living together "too early;" my wife and I moved in together after about 6 months, and it didn't magically destroy our relationship. Logically, you can afford your own place if you have to (you're doing it now), and if you're not compatible enough to live together now, you still won't be compatible later. It would be wise to choose a place that both of you could afford on your own if things don't work out, but other than that, it's much better than living with another woman, even if you are "platonic," while in the course of a committed relationship. 4
d0nnivain Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 If he really were taking his GF's feelings into consideration, this option of moving in wouldn't even exist. I had been dating a guy for several months when I moved into my 1st apartment with a male friend. The BF wasn't thrilled when I 1st presented the idea to him but when he saw the apartment & talked to my roommate, he became OK with the idea. Although that guy & I eventually broke up it had nothing to do with the roommate. So my experience is that you can do both but it requires face to face discussions not e-mails.
sandylee1 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 If you value your girlfriend, then don't do it or she'll soon be your ex GF. If she had a platonic male friend, she wanted to move in with and all the details were as in your situation, how would you feel? If it wouldn't bother you, then go ahead and ignore what your GF says, because for you to not be bothered indicates that your not overly into her. If you were, it would bother you.
MissBee Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 (edited) I currently live in a studio apt in a very noisy, crowded and dirty air part of Manhattan (my windows face the rooftop of several restaurants and I get smoke/cooking exhaust seeping in my windows). I've been living in this apartment for 7 months and have an opportunity to move in with a platonic female friend in a quiet area of the East Village about six weeks from now. I'd like to make this change for three reasons: a) I'd save $700 a month in rent, b) my friend would own the lease so I could move anytime I want to again and c) I'd avoid the noise, smoke/restaurant exhaust and hustle of where I live now. There's one issue: my girlfriend has said in the past she is jealous of my close relationship with this female friend. Also, this female friend and I drunkenly made out two years ago twice and nothing else, which my gf is aware of. I have no feelings for this female friend emotionally beyond friendship or sexually, so I'm not worried about anything happening. However, how do I explain this move to my gf without her getting very mad? She likes my current apt because I live alone in a studio and we can commute to work together after she stays over. My new apt location would be inconvenient for her to commute with me. It would mean she is mostly around my female friend that she is jealous of whenever she comes over. Etc. I don't want to harm my relationship, but I need to make this move for my finances, for my health and to get better sleep. Any help/insight as to how I can soften the blown when I tell my gf would be appreciated. And you absolutely need to do this? I mean, given the history and given that your gf is already jealous (and it probably seems reasonable), do you HAVE to move in with this girl? When did you decide this? How long have you and your gf been dating? Frankly, if I were dating my guy for a while and he never mentions at ANY point until after it's a done deal that he's even thinking of moving in with his friend I don't like or am jealous of, not sure how the relationship would actually recover. The fact that I was never part of the discussion until the decision was made, esp given that he knows my feelings, would just feel very disrespectful and like he doesn't care. You have to decide what's more worth it. You're not wrong to choose your health and finances and well being over your gf's feelings but you just have to be okay with the possibility that choosing you means losing her. And sometimes it needs to be like that! I don't really see how it will go over well with her, but at least you could try to brainstorm with her about what to do, say why you need to move, why with her, and at least make her feel included because as I said, the fact that you've not brought it up until AFTER you've decided is what would be the most hurtful part to me versus if you came to me, said you needed to move and presented this as an option. I wouldn't like it but I'd feel you had a lot less to hide as well as cared about my feelings and opinions if you were open and included me as you were thinking through it. Edited May 18, 2015 by MissBee
Lokin4AReason Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I would move ... and even heck saving money, wouldn't think twice and if she know(s) your past, well, you sunk that boat already ( I would've done the same, I dislike lies upon lies ) unless she wants to foot the bill or get cant over it, sorry to say ... than you have a decision to make than IMO
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