TheOneYouHate Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 I am here spilling my guts about this affair that I am in. I know it is wrong, I know that I am an idiot, but I just can't end it. Call me selfish, or whatever, I suck at life and you could not possibly beat me down any farther than I feel right now. I have been married for 27 years, have two children one together and one from her previous marriage (widowed). I started talking to a woman online back in April 2013, we hit it off quite well, began talking more and more and had a connection. She told me she was separated at the time and of course I lied and told her that I was too. We played this lie until we finally met in April 2014. The first in many lies. When we met of course we hit it off, she met me when I was up near her for some training for work. We had some great nights together, and I was kind of like meh, she is okay but not all that. Then we talked more after I got back home, and we grew closer and closer. Then it all kind of came out that she was still married, of course unhappily for 17 years, but no sex since before we met physically. She claims I was the only other man that she had ever been with other than her H, and I could kind of tell her inexperience. Of course that innocence turned me on. I mean every guy wants a girl that hasn't been had by everyone else. Anyway, we met again in May and had a great time together got closer and closer. So we were really in love and talked about forever, while staying in our current "bad" relationships. The distance is terrible on me, because I am insecure and jealous. She is the opposite of me very type B and doesn't voice her jealousy even though she claims it is there. She wants me to move up to be with her, and find a job there and us live happily ever after. Now mind you she lives in another country, close to here but still. I am totally crazy about her, and have I guess deluded myself into thinking that this would work. I could just move up there and live with her and everything would be great. Then reality sits in and I realize that I am going to be leaving everything I own, my wife who is good to me, and would do anything for me. Leave behind children, my job, my life and go to be with someone, that even though I think we might be good together, is an unknown quantity. She has two kids that are teenagers, 13 and 14. Anyway, there are so many red flags that it is ridiculous but she continues to have this certain something that I can't walk away from. I have caught her conveniently omitting things, nice little lies. She recently told me that she is separated in house mind you, from her husband. She changes to accommodate anything that I want. Last time I went to visit her, I swore I would not go back again and that I was not even that attracted to her. I distanced myself the first week and then was drawn right back in. As you might have guessed it I have major self esteem and self worth issues. She makes me feel wanted, desirable and like I am young again. There have been so many signs to tell me to run from this girl and even my IC told me point blank that you need to leave her, but yet here I am, torn. This weekend I am going to see her, and spend the weekend together. All I can think is what is wrong with me, I am like a drug addict and she is my drug of choice. Okay that was a lot of rambling, and certainly not the whole story, but I seriously need help. I am a bad person I know that, I suck at life and at my marriage and even at my affair. I haven't got the courage to nut up and tell her goodbye, because I can't imagine my life without her and especially not her with anyone else. I know same ol' song and dance everyone else in an affair pitches. We are in love, we are different, she is my soul mate, etc. Dear God someone help me.
Furious Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 (edited) I am here spilling my guts about this affair that I am in. I know it is wrong, I know that I am an idiot, but I just can't end it. Call me selfish, or whatever, I suck at life and you could not possibly beat me down any farther than I feel right now. I have been married for 27 years, have two children one together and one from her previous marriage (widowed). I started talking to a woman online back in April 2013, we hit it off quite well, began talking more and more and had a connection. She told me she was separated at the time and of course I lied and told her that I was too. We played this lie until we finally met in April 2014. The first in many lies. When we met of course we hit it off, she met me when I was up near her for some training for work. We had some great nights together, and I was kind of like meh, she is okay but not all that. Then we talked more after I got back home, and we grew closer and closer. Then it all kind of came out that she was still married, of course unhappily for 17 years, but no sex since before we met physically. She claims I was the only other man that she had ever been with other than her H, and I could kind of tell her inexperience. Of course that innocence turned me on. I mean every guy wants a girl that hasn't been had by everyone else. Anyway, we met again in May and had a great time together got closer and closer. So we were really in love and talked about forever, while staying in our current "bad" relationships. The distance is terrible on me, because I am insecure and jealous. She is the opposite of me very type B and doesn't voice her jealousy even though she claims it is there. She wants me to move up to be with her, and find a job there and us live happily ever after. Now mind you she lives in another country, close to here but still. I am totally crazy about her, and have I guess deluded myself into thinking that this would work. I could just move up there and live with her and everything would be great. Then reality sits in and I realize that I am going to be leaving everything I own, my wife who is good to me, and would do anything for me. Leave behind children, my job, my life and go to be with someone, that even though I think we might be good together, is an unknown quantity. She has two kids that are teenagers, 13 and 14. Anyway, there are so many red flags that it is ridiculous but she continues to have this certain something that I can't walk away from. I have caught her conveniently omitting things, nice little lies. She recently told me that she is separated in house mind you, from her husband. She changes to accommodate anything that I want. Last time I went to visit her, I swore I would not go back again and that I was not even that attracted to her. I distanced myself the first week and then was drawn right back in. As you might have guessed it I have major self esteem and self worth issues. She makes me feel wanted, desirable and like I am young again. There have been so many signs to tell me to run from this girl and even my IC told me point blank that you need to leave her, but yet here I am, torn. This weekend I am going to see her, and spend the weekend together. All I can think is what is wrong with me, I am like a drug addict and she is my drug of choice. Okay that was a lot of rambling, and certainly not the whole story, but I seriously need help. I am a bad person I know that, I suck at life and at my marriage and even at my affair. I haven't got the courage to nut up and tell her goodbye, because I can't imagine my life without her and especially not her with anyone else. I know same ol' song and dance everyone else in an affair pitches. We are in love, we are different, she is my soul mate, etc. Dear God someone help me. You lied about being separated and she lied about being separated. Seems you have a lot in common and belong together. I say go for it and be together forever. Edited April 29, 2015 by Furious 8
GorillaTheater Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 You lied about being separated and she lied about being separated. Seems you have a lot in common and belong together. I say go for it. I'm leaning the same way. It sounds like two messed-up people leaning on each other and reinforcing one another's messed-up-ness. Is divorce an option? If not, why not? 6
casey.lives Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 well since you love her, make the necessary changes to be together. To love one person, means you're not in love with the other. Your lack of compassion demonstrates your lack of love. I don't think it's right to cheat on people and i don't think it's right to stay with someone you don't love. You need to finalize the situation and get on with the business of life. 4
Janesays Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Yeah, she totally sounds like your soul mate, so I'd divorce your wife, leave your children, and go play house with Ms. "Innocent" and her kids. I'm sure your children will understand and won't end up hating your guts until the day you die after pulling a stunt like this. People like you never die alone. Nope. Never. Your happiness is all that matters, so go for it man! Time is a'wastin! 13
Popsicle Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Interesting. You both are probably engaging in fantasy more than you realize. The reality wouldn't be so great, what with the guilt and all the hurt you'd cause. Maybe it should just remain a fantasy that you don't act on since you are hooked on it. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 I mean every guy wants a girl that hasn't been had by everyone else. Maybe your wife is looking for the same qualities in a man ??? Not sure what feedback you could be given that you don't already know. I'm going to take your own words and change "I" to "you": You know it is wrong You know that you are an idiot You deluded yourself into thinking that this would work. You are going to be leaving everything you own, your wife who is good to you, and would do anything for you. You would be leaving behind your children, your job, your life There are so many red flags that it is ridiculous You have caught her conveniently omitting things, nice little lies. There have been so many signs to tell you to run from this girl Even your IC told you point blank that you need to leave her, You are like a drug addict and she is your drug of choice. You've posted truths and good advice. You should listen to yourself... Mr. Lucky 12
Southern Sun Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 I have to say, I am obviously not condoning the OP having an affair - but sarcastic responses and saying 'sounds like you two are made for each other' just aren't helpful. OP, you are at that point in an affair where you realize it's just not worth the price of admission. You're looking at it and wondering how in the world it's gotten so far and how in the heck you can get out now. I've read somewhere that affairs are like lobster pots - a lot easier to get into than out of. Regardless, you can get out. It's even easier for you than some because she isn't near you geographically. You just have to make the decision that it's simply not worth exchanging your whole life for. You have to pull the plug, tell her that it's over (firmly) and then cut all methods of communication off. Forever. And then prepare for suffering through the withdrawal phase and simply refuse to give in to the desire to contact her. You will want to because it will feel like the only way to relieve your pain. But you should know going into it that further contact will only extend your pain and make it worse in the end. It will hurt more for her too. It will get easier over time and then one day you'll wake up without that monkey on your back. You just have to do it. The other part you need to address is considering confession to your wife. I am of the opinion that you can't really move forward without the truth being on the table. But that is up to you to decide. You can do it. You should call this upcoming visit off. End it. Don't give in to the temptation to go forward with this weekend and tell yourself you will end it in person. I guarantee you that won't work. That will result in continuing the affair. My advice from having been there... 3
No Limit Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Tell your wife and get the divorce started. Then be with your affair partner until that relationship has run its course and go back to focusing on being a good part-time dad. Good luck. 6
Sassy Girl Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 He won't call off the weekend. He's too weak. OP, leave your wife. It will suck for a while, but she's good to you and would do anything for you. She deserves the same in a life partner. That's clearly not you. Do her a kindness and let her go so she can find a man who treats her the way she deserves. And for gods sake tell her the truth about why you're leaving. She raised your children and gave you a good life, she deserves that much. 10
Spectre Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 Divorce your wife, she deserves better. I think you should divorce, but then stay single for a while. Since, why would you want to get involved with this woman you met online? She is cheating on her husband just as you cheated. Why would you want to get involved with a cheater? With someone who could show such disrespect to a partner? Also she has two kids who are teenagers and has been married for a long time, she is NOT inexperienced sexually. Also the line of how she hasn't had sex with her husband since you PHYSICALLY met speaks volumes. It means you were supposedly growing very close online..and all the while she was banging away with some guy even though she was "separated" from him. Yeah, why do you want trash like that?
Steen719 Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 he won't call off the weekend. He's too weak. Op, leave your wife. It will suck for a while, but she's good to you and would do anything for you. She deserves the same in a life partner. That's clearly not you. Do her a kindness and let her go so she can find a man who treats her the way she deserves. And for gods sake tell her the truth about why you're leaving. She raised your children and gave you a good life, she deserves that much. ^^^^this^^^^
gettingstronger Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 I agree, leave your wife. It's like I told my husband, what makes you think you're so dang special that I wanted to share you and be left in the dark. It sounds like you don't have the will to stop the affair, so come clean and leave. You owe your wife this much. 2
GirlStillStrong Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 Reminds me of an XBF who told me the reason he married his second ex-wife was because no one else would ever take care of him as well as she did. What a reason to marry someone! You do realize you are selfish, don't you? Just as selfish as my X. And I don't mean that as a judgment or an insult. If you do not address your own selfishness, and what that selfishness stems from (immaturity and narcissism is my guess, based on my own examination of my own selfishness) you will never resolve this issue. It is just horrible that you stay with your spouse because she treats you so well and would do anything for you! The mature reason for being married to someone, and remaining married to that person, is because you love HER so much that YOU would do anything for HER. You have it so backwards. Where did you get the idea that it was the other way around? (this is an honest question). Let her go so she can find someone who LOVES her and will honor and cherish her. You are so obviously not the right man for her. You can waste as much time as you want lamenting and telling everyone what a piece of $&@% you think you are, how horrible and inept you are at life, but all of that is just a smokescreen. Stop it. Start being honest with yourself. Then maybe you can be honest with another person. 5
cocorico Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 Okay that was a lot of rambling, and certainly not the whole story, but I seriously need help. I am a bad person I know that, I suck at life and at my marriage and even at my affair. I haven't got the courage to nut up and tell her goodbye, because I can't imagine my life without her and especially not her with anyone else. I know same ol' song and dance everyone else in an affair pitches. We are in love, we are different, she is my soul mate, etc. Dear God someone help me. I am not a BS, nor a WS. I am a fOW now very happily M to my fMM. I'm telling you this to locate my response to you. Your R with this OW was not founded on honesty, from either side. Nor was it simply an omission followed by a big reveal, kiss and make up, and honesty henceforth. Nope, it continues to be characterised by omissions, "nice little lies", and "signs you should run". From her side, I'm sure it's the same - no doubt you're portraying your M as toxic, or at least terminal, and your BS as either a harridan or "more of a sibling than a lover". It's like you're caught in a radio drama, reading from scripts around which you improvise, but both so caught up in the narrative that you keep tuning in for the next episode to see where it's going. ...which is nowhere. I've been in the "in love" A, the "different" A, the "soul mate" A. It doesn't look anything like this. I could write you screeds on how it's different, but I'm sure you already know. You already know you should leave her, that it's not the romance of the century, but other reasons are keeping you there. And that's where I think you should focus. For whatever reason, she - or the R - is meeting some need for you. It may be something "missing" from your M, from your W, from yourself, from your life - you need to figure out what that is and why. You speak about IC - and you need to explore with your IC what you're craving so much, that you're getting (or part-getting, or getting enough) from this R that by your own admission has no future. Only then can you set about thinking about where else you might source it, or how you might provide it to yourself, in a less destructive way - because, ultimately, the kind of addictive behaviour you are describing is destructive, and will be destructive to yourself and your family if you persist. It's not about beating up on yourself. It's about having the balls to take a good, long, honest look and see what you're trying so hard to augment. 4
Author TheOneYouHate Posted April 30, 2015 Author Posted April 30, 2015 Thank you for all of your responses and especially those that had the wherewith-all to refrain from attacking and actually trying to help. There were some very intelligent and well thought out responses and I appreciate that. I know what I need to do, and I am distancing myself more every day. I know this is not the relationship I should be in. I do love my wife, and I do not want to leave her. I know it is not fair to her and I know I screwed up, badly. It is not because she takes care of me, it is because I love her and can't imagine my life without her. I would die for the woman. Thank you for some very sage advice and helping to confirm what I was feeling. I know that these stories cause a lot of emotion to come out of people, maybe they have been cheated on or hurt by someone like me and it makes them very angry and I get that totally. It was very hard putting this out there for public inspection and ridicule and be careful not to judge until you have walked in someone else's shoes. Thank you a millions times for reading and responding. 2
Popsicle Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 I hope that you can find some more good feeling from your wife so you can experience what it feels like to be happy. I don't recommend confessing though, you'll get none then. 1
gettingstronger Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 It was very hard putting this out there for public inspection and ridicule and be careful not to judge until you have walked in someone else's shoes. Thing is most of us on this board have walked at least a mile in the shoes of infidelity- you knowingly and willingly betrayed a person that has been good to you- what's not to judge? I do hope that part of your personal enlightenment includes coming clean with your wife- no matter what side of the triangle people on this page are from, most agree she is owed that much- Best of luck in your growth, and I mean that sincerely- 4
whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 It's obvious that your marriage is over, so first make a plan and talk to your wife, be honest, that you fell out of love with her and need to divorce. You two can work out custody etc., though it seems like your kids are all older so that may not be necessary (custody). Allow your wife to grieve the loss and find someone else. To stay married and continue to cheat on her is just not right, she deserves better. Regardless of what happens with the OW, at least you can be free and be on your own. It's pointless to stay married to someone you don't love anymore.
Minnie09 Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 It's obvious that your marriage is over, so first make a plan and talk to your wife, be honest, that you fell out of love with her and need to divorce. You two can work out custody etc., though it seems like your kids are all older so that may not be necessary (custody). Allow your wife to grieve the loss and find someone else. To stay married and continue to cheat on her is just not right, she deserves better. Regardless of what happens with the OW, at least you can be free and be on your own. It's pointless to stay married to someone you don't love anymore. But that's not what he said at all. What he said was that he still does love his wife, and that he made a mistake. And that he needs to get out of the affair situation. Which he should do. 1
whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 But that's not what he said at all. What he said was that he still does love his wife, and that he made a mistake. And that he needs to get out of the affair situation. Which he should do. I misread part of thread. Oops, my mistake. Come clean with your wife, allow her to decide if she wants to stay married to you. Fix what is broken inside of you that made you risk everything. Counseling with your wife and on your own.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 I know what I need to do, and I am distancing myself more every day . If this is true: All I can think is what is wrong with me, I am like a drug addict and she is my drug of choice. ...they don't treat addiction in rehab by "distancing myself more every day". They have you stop. Period. End of sentence. The relationship equivalent is No Contact. You send your AP a short message indicating the A is over and you block any further interaction. "I know what I need to do" qualifies only as Good Intentions. The road to Hell is paved... Mr. Lucky 2
the_artist_1970 Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 I agree, leave your wife. It's like I told my husband, what makes you think you're so dang special that I wanted to share you and be left in the dark. It sounds like you don't have the will to stop the affair, so come clean and leave. You owe your wife this much. Exactly!!!
violet1 Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 Hello and welcome to the forums, My advice is a bit different. If you love your wife like you say and want to work things out, end contact with the OW. Write a NC letter. Then I strongly suggest you see a therapist. You need to figure out why you've done what you've done. Most BS's find the answer "I don't know" as unacceptable. Be prepared for a lot of questions. You will be asked the same questions over and over again. Once you have an affair, no solution is easy. I love how everyone always suggests to put children in broken homes and divorce. Affairs are more common then they're not. Unfortunately, they happen and they are always going to happen. If the WS loves the BS, he/she would do what they have to do and fight for the marriage.
Furious Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 Thank you for all of your responses and especially those that had the wherewith-all to refrain from attacking and actually trying to help. There were some very intelligent and well thought out responses and I appreciate that. I know what I need to do, and I am distancing myself more every day. I know this is not the relationship I should be in. I do love my wife, and I do not want to leave her. I know it is not fair to her and I know I screwed up, badly. It is not because she takes care of me, it is because I love her and can't imagine my life without her. I would die for the woman. Thank you for some very sage advice and helping to confirm what I was feeling. I know that these stories cause a lot of emotion to come out of people, maybe they have been cheated on or hurt by someone like me and it makes them very angry and I get that totally. It was very hard putting this out there for public inspection and ridicule and be careful not to judge until you have walked in someone else's shoes. Thank you a millions times for reading and responding. Seriously, you've got bigger problems than being "judged" by anonymous folks. It's odd how you state you in your opening post how you suck so much, but get riled up by those that agree with you. That's not judging, it's agreeing with you. 7
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