Inappropriate of me to ask my gf to split the bill after dinner?

[Hawaii51]

I doubt she thinks you're a dick specifically or feels embarrassed in a general way. This is a very specific issue for women, and that issue is that the BF doesn't outwardly show that he values her in public. It may seem unfair or petty about the paying, but that's what's really at the heart of it. No woman wants to feel that way. It is embarrassing in that specific context - actually humiliating - because in her mind you're letting the world unabashedly know that she's a secondary priority for you at best. Unlike all her friends who had their BF pay for them and publicly advertise how much they were valued.

 

 

 

If this sort of thinking (feeling) flies, then I suggest the woman have dinner on the table by 6. I'd hate for someone I know to find out I have an independent woman at home. That would be embarrassing. Some slack-minded 1960's stuff right here.

 

 

Your gf has a meal-ticket. Her money is more important than yours. That what I read.

[Treasa]

Yeah, handling this in private would have been better. See, with my friends it would be totally different. If I kept relying on my boyfriend to pay, they would take issue with ME. However, I almost always offer to pay for everyone, so it's never come to that.

 

In the meantime, stop taking her up on offers to go out until she "gets it."

 

The man does not always pay. That's bull. Unless BOTH people want that kind of situation, but it doesn't sound like that here.

[Biscous]

So I know in certain cultures this is more traditional. She is Latin, but she was born here in America but I am simply speaking from a modern standpoint being that we both have careers.

 

I make meals for her, she doesn't cook but she cleans. Gotta be some compromise is what I'm saying and being pressured to pay is not my thing. Like someone said, me not going until she gets it may be a good approach if it is an issue.

 

I've split with her several times before.

[PrettyEmily77]

So I know in certain cultures this is more traditional. She is Latin, but she was born here in America but I am simply speaking from a modern standpoint being that we both have careers.

 

I make meals for her, she doesn't cook but she cleans. Gotta be some compromise is what I'm saying and being pressured to pay is not my thing. Like someone said, me not going until she gets it may be a good approach if it is an issue.

 

I've split with her several times before.

 

 

Have you had an actual conversation addressing that particular issue or are you hoping she can read your mind? You shouldn't feel pressured into doing anything you're not comfortable but you can't expect her to guess that's how you feel without having a frank discussion with her about it first.

[TaraMaiden2]

So I know in certain cultures this is more traditional. She is Latin, but she was born here in America but I am simply speaking from a modern standpoint being that we both have careers.

 

I make meals for her, she doesn't cook but she cleans. Gotta be some compromise is what I'm saying and being pressured to pay is not my thing. Like someone said, me not going until she gets it may be a good approach if it is an issue.

 

I've split with her several times before.

 

Ooooh! That's a waving red flag, right there!

 

Who instigated the 'splits' before?

How long were they for?

What were the reasons?

 

be specific, because 'splitting up' several times does not bode well for this scenario at all!

[Syberia]

Are you sure he doesn't mean they've split the bill before?

[kendahke]

If you're that practical about money, then perhaps it's best you don't go out for dinner anymore with her.

 

You two need to have a long discussion about what each of you believes is the protocol that will work for you two when you do go out. You are both incompatible in this area if she's thinking one way and you're thinking another, but not telling her what you think.

 

If you believe that because you both work that that means you both should split dinner bills down the middle every time, then this should not be news to her at this stage in your relationship with her. And it certainly should not have been put forth as a weak-sauce joke in front of her friends. There is truth in jest and you can best believe your performance left a bad taste in her friends' mouths, most likely to the point where they are questioning her about the wisdom in being with someone who would treat her that way in public. That was something you two needed to get clear before you both walked out the door to go to the restaurant.

[Sunfire73]

Agree with others that it was not appropriate to argue in front of friends. But hope this is a lesson for you to communicate better about your expectations regarding finances. You don't want to harbor any feelings of resentment as this would not be healthy in a relationship.

[darkmoon]

you two sound like strangers, i think you need an agreed shared pool of money fiftyfifty to spend on outings, mmm, see how she goes for that or spend less

[Biscous]

Ooooh! That's a waving red flag, right there!

 

Who instigated the 'splits' before?

How long were they for?

What were the reasons?

 

be specific, because 'splitting up' several times does not bode well for this scenario at all!

 

If I invite her out and on certain occasions and meals, for example some of her friend's birthdays I pay in full.

 

Just earlier this month we had dinner for Cinco DeMayo and I paid.

 

The times where she initiates the idea she has said let's split. She hasn't really taken me out and treated me. I have done this that's fine. I don't have a problem with paying 75-80% of the time. It'd just be nice for her to have the thought of pay.

 

There was a time she wanted to take her mom out to dinner and we split the bill. That's fine. She's been around my family before, never paid for anything nor expected it.

 

I do realize I am the man but I don't like the idea of someone inviting me out and not paying. Haven't really had this issue with other women before. Usually starting out it'd be I would be the first to pay and they may offer to pay later but I'd pay the majority. I see it as a kind gesture of caring.

 

I really don't think she means anything malicious by not doing it to be honest and perhaps she's accustomed to it to some degree I'm not sure.

 

So she agreed that it is OK for me to ask to split or something, but doing it in front of others was bad...I think maybe two people saw it so I can apologize/save face for my social awkward / Larry David moment.

Edited May 18, 2015 by Biscous

[johndoe2]

I think the default would be either that you split the bill, or that whoever invites pays. If she thinks you should always pay, that's just plain wrong. Try asking her to do all your laundry for you for free from now on; if she refuses and acts miffed and doesn't get the point, then explain to her more clearly the idea of reciprocity.

[Leigh 87]

Talk to her about finances in private. Complaining about paying the bill in front of her friends embarrassed her, even though you said it in jest. There was obviously some degree of genuine complaint there, and your financial arrangements are nobody else's business, certainly not up for discussion over a brunch with friends.

 

Like it or not, it's standard social assumption that the man pays. The man not paying gives other people the impression he doesn't see the woman as worth it.

 

Most of my boyfriends offer to pay for the whole table when we go out, and again, like it or not, that makes him look like "the man" and makes me look like "the queen". The man quibbling over the bill makes you look like a tightwad and her look like a girl with a tightwad boyfriend.

 

I'd never date a man who asked me to split.

 

I absolutely believe in shaging the rent and bills.....

 

But when it comes to dating I break it off of a man asks me to pay me half.

 

I OFFER and insist on paying 3/10 times for the two if us when we go out.

 

But in front of mates.... I once had an ex last year who.. When out with friends, I'd have to pay or we would go halves. wa so embarrassing...

[Biscous]

I'd never date a man who asked me to split.

 

I absolutely believe in shaging the rent and bills.....

 

But when it comes to dating I break it off of a man asks me to pay me half.

 

I OFFER and insist on paying 3/10 times for the two if us when we go out.

 

But in front of mates.... I once had an ex last year who.. When out with friends, I'd have to pay or we would go halves. wa so embarrassing...

 

That's completely fair.

 

Again, if I am with my girlfriend and invite her, and on several occasions where we are out with a group of her friends, I pay 100%.

 

I just like the kind gesture of paying/covering some.

[Leigh 87]

I meant sharing **** not shagging.....

[Ruby Slippers]

I just like the kind gesture of paying/covering some.

Why don't you ask her, in private, to pay for the tickets and other pre-pay charges of your dating expenses, things she can pay for in private away from social judgment? Or even ask her to give you X amount of money per month for dining out expenses. But then you handle the transactions with your own wallet, to spare her the embarrassment (and I agree with Jen, the humiliation, and I would add massive girl-boner killer) of being put on the spot to go Dutch with her boyfriend.

 

I'm afraid that with your attitude and the way you're handling this, you're going to get dumped for some other guy who's not so stingy.

[losangelena]

If I invite her out and on certain occasions and meals, for example some of her friend's birthdays I pay in full.

 

Just earlier this month we had dinner for Cinco DeMayo and I paid.

 

The times where she initiates the idea she has said let's split. She hasn't really taken me out and treated me. I have done this that's fine. I don't have a problem with paying 75-80% of the time. It'd just be nice for her to have the thought of pay.

 

There was a time she wanted to take her mom out to dinner and we split the bill. That's fine. She's been around my family before, never paid for anything nor expected it.

 

I do realize I am the man but I don't like the idea of someone inviting me out and not paying. Haven't really had this issue with other women before. Usually starting out it'd be I would be the first to pay and they may offer to pay later but I'd pay the majority. I see it as a kind gesture of caring.

 

I really don't think she means anything malicious by not doing it to be honest and perhaps she's accustomed to it to some degree I'm not sure.

 

So she agreed that it is OK for me to ask to split or something, but doing it in front of others was bad...I think maybe two people saw it so I can apologize/save face for my social awkward / Larry David moment.

 

Then OP, if you haven't told her yet, I would say that you'd like for her to treat you every once in a while. It doesn't have to be all the time, but it seems like treating is a way that you receive love and care.

 

I don't think she's being malicious, either, I think she's simply unaware, especially if the precedent has been set, and/or culturally she's used to men paying. It may not even occur to her that you see this as important to you.

[Tayla]

Op, as others suggested, sit and discuss. If this had been two guys going out they'd pay separate. Same concept applies. You are both adults and need to learn to belly up come bill time. I (as a lady) do not assume or expect anyone to pay my way. There is little need to push ones role as a "given" to be paid for unless your underage or unemployed.

 

i was called out one time at a dinner, and it taught me to handle it respectfully. I had not left a tip ( yup i rarely leave them) . So i make it clear to everyone that tips are a choice just like opinions. So opinions need not be dished out all the time .

[123321]

The tab comes, she looks at me to pay. I hand my check and say "It seems like when I m invited I m the one that ends up paying ha ha". We decided to split. Sure I was half joking and half serious and maybe poor timing ...

 

Ass move there.

 

This is the sort of thing one talks about before hand; I have no issue in general with the discussion, but dude your timing and sense of tact is ass.

 

For what it's worth, here is my opinion on this. I pay. If she insists on splitting it, I pay, and we can see about her picking up the next thing, or splitting next time.

 

Here's why, and it's the same reason (more or less) your deal sucked.

 

When the meal is enjoyed and the bill is tallied, and you're having a nice time, this is NOT the time to switch to CPA mode and start doing mental math, asking the server to split the already tallied bill, and so on. If she wants to pay, OK. If a split is desired that's OK too, but TELL THE SERVER when the order is made that checks will be separate. Then move on.

 

Deciding at the last second to divvy up a check is just not the way to close a nice date.

 

IMO, YMMV, etc.

[johndoe2]

I'd never date a man who asked me to split.

 

I absolutely believe in shaging the rent and bills.....

 

But when it comes to dating I break it off of a man asks me to pay me half.

 

I OFFER and insist on paying 3/10 times for the two if us when we go out.

 

But in front of mates.... I once had an ex last year who.. When out with friends, I'd have to pay or we would go halves. wa so embarrassing...

 

I'm just going to go ahead and say it: this is incredibly stupid of you. Why should he always pay? Any other reason than 'just because' or 'i'm old fashioned?' The fact that I make **** money as a grad student and don't think I should have to pay for a woman who makes twice as much money makes me the loser or something? The fact that there are women like you out there is really dishearetening. It's the 21st century: grow up, pay for your own damned food instead of waiting for a man to do it.

[jen1447]

We already had that thread.

[Hawaii51]

I'd never date a man who asked me to split.

 

I absolutely believe in shaging the rent and bills.....

 

But when it comes to dating I break it off of a man asks me to pay me half.

 

I OFFER and insist on paying 3/10 times for the two if us when we go out.

 

But in front of mates.... I once had an ex last year who.. When out with friends, I'd have to pay or we would go halves. wa so embarrassing...

 

As long as I can pick 3/10 tabs. Silly Women. Reminds me of the Allstate commercial where the lady is lambasting her boyfriend because she got a kick-back for her safe driving record. I just assume she over paid.

 

OP, The moment something like this, something so trivial, becomes an issue in the relationship... I don't know how to finish that, I'm just happy that someone is finally recognizing issues in the relationship. I'm certain there are more.

[TaraMaiden2]

I meant sharing **** not shagging.....

 

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