Inappropriate of me to ask my gf to split the bill after dinner?

[Biscous]

My girlfriend has a few friend/family functions she likes to go to. Sometimes I m invited of course.

 

When I ask her out, I pay our way. On all occasions when she invites me out, it seems she expects me to pay. At best we split. I just feel this is slightly off when I am the one invited.

 

So she invited me to brunch with her friends. I had a buffet like everyone else. She wanted to have a few drinks. That s fine but I don t really prefer drinking.

 

The tab comes, she looks at me to pay. I hand my check and say "It seems like when I m invited I m the one that ends up paying ha ha". We decided to split. Sure I was half joking and half serious and maybe poor timing but later my girlfriend said I embarrassed her for saying this and she took it EXTREMELY negatively.

 

She stated it made us look like we were not quite serious because all the other guys paid...I really did not pay attention to other couples. There were perhaps two other couples and everyone else was single.

 

I really did not put the thought into it that I was projecting this image, I simply thought I was putting my foot down and standing by proper etiquette. Do I mind paying? No. It is simply the principle.

 

We later argued about this and it is unresolved. I don't think she wants to use me as a paycheck or anything, but it's just the principle of the matter. When I invite her out I don't expect her to pay for anything. I've taken her to nice places.

 

It just seems that with these invitations that I'm ending up paying something, whether she is asking me to pick something up, or I'm invited and I pay the tab. It does wear on your pocket book! Thoughts?

[Toodaloo]

Its the fact that you did it in front of her friends that upset her.

 

However I do think you need to sit down and have a very frank and open discussion about this so you can both behave appropriately in the future. Perhaps agreeing who will pay before you go anywhere would be a good start.

 

She needs to know how you feel about this and now before it gets worse.

[Hawaii51]

My only concern is your lady's tendency to base your relationship on the projections of others.

 

I think you approached the topic fine; when it happened- and with humor. Now follow it up with how you feel.

[TaraMaiden2]

You need to have a talk.

 

ascertain exactly what she expects from you.

If she wants to make it look like you're happy paying the tab, with her half included, maybe she can give you her half later....

 

You don't mind paying while you're out alone, and you're treating her, but to be expected to foot the bill for two, every time you guys go out in company, is unreasonable.

 

She's right though, public embarrassment was tactless and immature, frankly. It was rude and unwarranted...

 

If you've got minor issues within a relationship, you keep them within the relationship. Plenty of time and opportunity to talk it out later, away from others.

 

If nothing ever gets resolved though, next time you go out, forget your wallet....

 

How old are you guys and how long have you been dating....?

[Perrier]

QUOTE "Do I mind paying? No. It is simply the principle."

 

If the above is the case why did you call her out in front of her friends? That is why she's angry. Sounds like you two need to iron out your money issues i.e. who pays and when, in private and quickly so it doesn't impinge on the rest of your relationship. Good luck

[d0nnivain]

Your timing sucked & embarrassed her. You should have handled this sensitive issue more privately.

[Biscous]

You need to have a talk.

 

ascertain exactly what she expects from you.

If she wants to make it look like you're happy paying the tab, with her half included, maybe she can give you her half later....

 

You don't mind paying while you're out alone, and you're treating her, but to be expected to foot the bill for two, every time you guys go out in company, is unreasonable.

 

She's right though, public embarrassment was tactless and immature, frankly. It was rude and unwarranted...

 

If you've got minor issues within a relationship, you keep them within the relationship. Plenty of time and opportunity to talk it out later, away from others.

 

If nothing ever gets resolved though, next time you go out, forget your wallet....

 

How old are you guys and how long have you been dating....?

 

Yeah I didn't mean to embarrass her. Kinda had some other stuff on my mind that day to be honest. I have been in a similar situation and handled it better.

 

I apologized to her and I see where she is coming from after she explained. I really had no intent of embarrassing her and making her feel less. Truthfully.

 

I'm 31, she's 27. We have been together about a year. It has always been that if I invite her out I pay or we go somewhere, no question.

 

Just these things pop up where we have these going out excursions. I was even at a friend's birthday party of hers and she wanted me to pay for a drink for one of her friends. I'm the man of the relationship and didn't care much but those things add up a bit.

[TaraMaiden2]

Then you're both adult and mature enough to be able to process this situation in a constructive way.

 

Ask her (in a non-confrontational way) why exactly, she expects you to always pay for everything when you're out?

 

Would she agree to at least putting her share towards the costs, after the event?

 

Tell her (accept some responsibility in this; you really should have spoken up sooner if this bothers you, as it obvioulsy does) that you don't want to start feeling resentful, or that you'll always see this coming and start feeling 'used'.

You love her (I take it you have both spoken the 'L' word - ?!) and this is quite petty ( ) so you don't want it to become an issue between you...

[Biscous]

Then you're both adult and mature enough to be able to process this situation in a constructive way.

 

Ask her (in a non-confrontational way) why exactly, she expects you to always pay for everything when you're out?

 

Would she agree to at least putting her share towards the costs, after the event?

 

Tell her (accept some responsibility in this; you really should have spoken up sooner if this bothers you, as it obvioulsy does) that you don't want to start feeling resentful, or that you'll always see this coming and start feeling 'used'.

You love her (I take it you have both spoken the 'L' word - ?!) and this is quite petty ( ) so you don't want it to become an issue between you...

 

Yeah I love her. I didn't mean to come off as a dick but she certainly feels that way about me !

 

Stayed at her place and we didn't talk much but laughed a bit and got her some stuff for our pet and we were ok. Told her I loved her and I did not think of those things she thought of when I said that.

 

Of course there's a level of disgust on her end. She said I don't think when I speak sometimes which I agreed to.

 

Probably should addressed that it seems I consume a lot of my off time with her and her friends and I end up paying in these situations. Not her fault at all.

[Redhead14]

My girlfriend has a few friend/family functions she likes to go to. Sometimes I m invited of course.

 

When I ask her out, I pay our way. On all occasions when she invites me out, it seems she expects me to pay. At best we split. I just feel this is slightly off when I am the one invited.

 

So she invited me to brunch with her friends. I had a buffet like everyone else. She wanted to have a few drinks. That s fine but I don t really prefer drinking.

 

The tab comes, she looks at me to pay. I hand my check and say "It seems like when I m invited I m the one that ends up paying ha ha". We decided to split. Sure I was half joking and half serious and maybe poor timing but later my girlfriend said I embarrassed her for saying this and she took it EXTREMELY negatively.

 

She stated it made us look like we were not quite serious because all the other guys paid...I really did not pay attention to other couples. There were perhaps two other couples and everyone else was single.

 

I really did not put the thought into it that I was projecting this image, I simply thought I was putting my foot down and standing by proper etiquette. Do I mind paying? No. It is simply the principle.

 

We later argued about this and it is unresolved. I don't think she wants to use me as a paycheck or anything, but it's just the principle of the matter. When I invite her out I don't expect her to pay for anything. I've taken her to nice places.

 

It just seems that with these invitations that I'm ending up paying something, whether she is asking me to pick something up, or I'm invited and I pay the tab. It does wear on your pocket book! Thoughts?

 

A girlfriend who invites you for something, should pick up the tab. Even when I was just dating someone, after a few dates, I would initiate and pay for dates.

 

Her arguing about it with you is a sign of immaturity and is using you as a cash cow. If she's a grown woman with a job and you two are in a committed relationship, you should be sharing expenses at this point. This is a precursor to know whether or not you can or should live together and/or marry.

[El Pallasso]

There's nothing to apologize about. I would be more worried about your girlfriend's selfishness and basing your relationship on others.

 

In a few years, it will be "Sharon's boyfriend bought a new Mercedes for her and you have never gotten me any car".

 

The only thing you're good for in her eyes is a free ATM and it will only get worse.

[TaraMaiden2]

There's nothing to apologize about. I would be more worried about your girlfriend's selfishness and basing your relationship on others.

 

In a few years, it will be "Sharon's boyfriend bought a new Mercedes for her and you have never gotten me any car".

 

The only thing you're good for in her eyes is a free ATM and it will only get worse.

 

I disagree.

he's been with her for a year and they're both adults... I think if she had that kind of motive it would have shown up in other areas.

 

As it is, I think he's pretty much happy with the relationship as a whole, and admits himself he should have brought it up sooner.

 

And he also admits he was out of line showing her up in front of others.

 

So really, I think the problem isn't as deep or serious as you're making it out to be for him.

 

But he really should sort this issue out, before it becomes insurmountable....

[Biscous]

I disagree.

he's been with her for a year and they're both adults... I think if she had that kind of motive it would have shown up in other areas.

 

As it is, I think he's pretty much happy with the relationship as a whole, and admits himself he should have brought it up sooner.

 

And he also admits he was out of line showing her up in front of others.

 

So really, I think the problem isn't as deep or serious as you're making it out to be for him.

 

But he really should sort this issue out, before it becomes insurmountable....

 

I have concerns about the relationship but more on lines of lifestyle compatibility and you know settling down. Just the type of guy I am.

 

I genuinely think we have our best intentions for one another and I think she really isn't looking for me for money. I am just more practical with money and been trying to be more responsible with my finances.

 

I just didn't mean to embarrass her or make her feel I don't have her back. I expected her to be upset but I did not expect her to cry and feel humiliated :-/

[Diezel]

Honestly, break up with her.

 

Precedents have been set and you went into a no-win situation without preparation. Lesson learned though.

 

Next time pay, and in private, let her know that it is a concern, because TRUST ME, if this is an issue NOW, imagine after you guys get married? It's already grounds for resentment from you.

 

And who cares what other boyfriends did or didn't do? That's not YOUR problem. As of right now, you two have a communication problem when it comes to this and either you two hash it out and you tell her how you honestly feel or you keep paying for her every single time and you resent it a little more. If she doesn't think that it should be a little more equivocal and there should be some reciprocity within the relationship then she can go scratch.

 

Just next time, keep dirty laundry private no matter how much you are seething at the time.

[katinlc]

You all have been together a year? She should definitely be paying for you some. When my fiancé and I first started dating, I never did the whole, if he invites - he pays, if I invite I pay. I just tried to pay some. He paid for the first date, so I paid for the second and then he bought drinks at the piano bar afterwards. He was always willing to pay, so it was up to me to jump in and pay for some.

I will say that if we were going out with a group, I generally let him pay and tried I would pay when it was just the two of us. I never wanted it to look like he wasn't willing to pay for me - silly I know, but I never wanted him to be embarrassed by me paying.

You definitely need to sit down and talk with her. The problem is you have set a precedence of her NEVER paying for you - at most splitting. If you continue without a talk, this is what she is going to expect. It bugs me that she's ok with this. I would never be ok not paying some for my date.

[katiegrl]

I have concerns about the relationship but more on lines of lifestyle compatibility and you know settling down. Just the type of guy I am.

 

I genuinely think we have our best intentions for one another and I think she really isn't looking for me for money. I am just more practical with money and been trying to be more responsible with my finances.

 

I just didn't mean to embarrass her or make her feel I don't have her back. I expected her to be upset but I did not expect her to cry and feel humiliated :-/

 

I believe you. But in her defense, it was not only the initial embarrassment....she now has to deal with her friends' reactions and comments ....calling you a jerk or whatever else they're saying.

 

It's tough....we try not to allow what our friends think to affect how we feel...but it is easier said than done sometimes.

 

Give her some time. ...she will come around, hopefully.

 

Next time, she is right. Think before you speak. There is a time and place to discuss these things....in front of her friends was not one of them.

 

By the way, I am on your side with respect to the who pays issue. It is bringing it up at that time, and in the manner that you did, that is the issue for me.

 

Also, you claim you were you *half* joking..but you REALLY weren't, were you. This is a *real* issue for you...and your little haha did not disguise that very well.

 

It was passive aggressive... and I am sure she is thinking about *that* as well.

 

Give her time....

[Gary S]

The man should offer to pay. If you want to play with women, you'd better know the rules.

[Biscous]

I believe you. But in her defense, it was not only the initial embarrassment....she now has to deal with her friends' reactions and comments ....calling you a jerk or whatever else they're saying.

 

It's tough....we try not to allow what our friends think to affect how we feel...but it is easier said than done sometimes.

 

Give her some time. ...she will come around, hopefully.

 

Next time, she is right. Think before you speak. There is a time and place to discuss these things....in front of her friends was not one of them.

 

By the way, I am on your side with respect to the who pays issue. It is bringing it up at that time, and in the manner that you did, that is the issue for me.

 

Also, you claim you were you *half* joking..but you REALLY weren't, were you. This is a *real* issue for you...and your little haha did not disguise that very well.

 

It was passive aggressive... and I am sure she is thinking about *that* as well.

 

Give her time....

 

Thanks. She seems "OK" right now, but I just wanted to be fair. Granted I was not the most tactful.

 

She did say I should have addressed it privately and I told her that I had no intention of embarrassing her and I apologize for doing that.

[Ruby Slippers]

Talk to her about finances in private. Complaining about paying the bill in front of her friends embarrassed her, even though you said it in jest. There was obviously some degree of genuine complaint there, and your financial arrangements are nobody else's business, certainly not up for discussion over a brunch with friends.

 

Like it or not, it's standard social assumption that the man pays. The man not paying gives other people the impression he doesn't see the woman as worth it.

 

Most of my boyfriends offer to pay for the whole table when we go out, and again, like it or not, that makes him look like "the man" and makes me look like "the queen". The man quibbling over the bill makes you look like a tightwad and her look like a girl with a tightwad boyfriend.

[jen1447]

Yeah I love her. I didn't mean to come off as a dick but she certainly feels that way about me !

 

I just didn't mean to embarrass her or make her feel I don't have her back. I expected her to be upset but I did not expect her to cry and feel humiliated :-/

 

I doubt she thinks you're a dick specifically or feels embarrassed in a general way. This is a very specific issue for women, and that issue is that the BF doesn't outwardly show that he values her in public. It may seem unfair or petty about the paying, but that's what's really at the heart of it. No woman wants to feel that way. It is embarrassing in that specific context - actually humiliating - because in her mind you're letting the world unabashedly know that she's a secondary priority for you at best. Unlike all her friends who had their BF pay for them and publicly advertise how much they were valued.

[Redhead14]

My girlfriend has a few friend/family functions she likes to go to. Sometimes I m invited of course.

 

When I ask her out, I pay our way. On all occasions when she invites me out, it seems she expects me to pay. At best we split. I just feel this is slightly off when I am the one invited.

 

So she invited me to brunch with her friends. I had a buffet like everyone else. She wanted to have a few drinks. That s fine but I don t really prefer drinking.

 

The tab comes, she looks at me to pay. I hand my check and say "It seems like when I m invited I m the one that ends up paying ha ha". We decided to split. Sure I was half joking and half serious and maybe poor timing but later my girlfriend said I embarrassed her for saying this and she took it EXTREMELY negatively.

 

She stated it made us look like we were not quite serious because all the other guys paid...I really did not pay attention to other couples. There were perhaps two other couples and everyone else was single.

 

I really did not put the thought into it that I was projecting this image, I simply thought I was putting my foot down and standing by proper etiquette. Do I mind paying? No. It is simply the principle.

 

We later argued about this and it is unresolved. I don't think she wants to use me as a paycheck or anything, but it's just the principle of the matter. When I invite her out I don't expect her to pay for anything. I've taken her to nice places.

 

It just seems that with these invitations that I'm ending up paying something, whether she is asking me to pick something up, or I'm invited and I pay the tab. It does wear on your pocket book! Thoughts?

 

Oh, paleeze. She needs to grow up. You made a joke about it, which was really between you and her, but you did pay. Let this die down for a bit. Then simply tell her that it's expensive to go out a lot and she invites you to something like that, you will split it with her at least and settle up later.

[preraph]

Time to come to some agreement before you go anywhere. If she invites you to something, tell her "Only if you're buying because I need my money for something else this week." Then opt out of going if this isn't okay with her. You need to have a conversation about it.

[Biscous]

I doubt she thinks you're a dick specifically or feels embarrassed in a general way. This is a very specific issue for women, and that issue is that the BF doesn't outwardly show that he values her in public. It may seem unfair or petty about the paying, but that's what's really at the heart of it. No woman wants to feel that way. It is embarrassing in that specific context - actually humiliating - because in her mind you're letting the world unabashedly know that she's a secondary priority for you at best. Unlike all her friends who had their BF pay for them and publicly advertise how much they were valued.

 

Yeah I kinda thought it was me putting my foot down and setting it as a principle. I didn't think of it that way.

[Syberia]

Honestly, break up with her.

 

Precedents have been set and you went into a no-win situation without preparation. Lesson learned though.

 

Next time pay, and in private, let her know that it is a concern, because TRUST ME, if this is an issue NOW, imagine after you guys get married? It's already grounds for resentment from you.

 

And who cares what other boyfriends did or didn't do? That's not YOUR problem. As of right now, you two have a communication problem when it comes to this and either you two hash it out and you tell her how you honestly feel or you keep paying for her every single time and you resent it a little more. If she doesn't think that it should be a little more equivocal and there should be some reciprocity within the relationship then she can go scratch.

 

Just next time, keep dirty laundry private no matter how much you are seething at the time.

Ok, how does this go from "I called her out in public and she got mad, probably because I called her out in public" and "break up with her" without any type of communication in between? How about he talks to the girl in private, and if she is still insisting that he pay for everything, then he can think about breaing up.

 

Ah, the joys of being married. No matter who pays, it all comes from the same place

[Diezel]

Ok, how does this go from "I called her out in public and she got mad, probably because I called her out in public" and "break up with her" without any type of communication in between? How about he talks to the girl in private, and if she is still insisting that he pay for everything, then he can think about breaing up.

 

And you think she is just going to agree to him not paying for her friend's drink on a birthday or falling in line with what everyone else's boyfriend does at brunch?

 

If this were 3 weeks in, sure, give it a shot.

 

But a year in, he's set a complete precedent on him being the "wallet" even if she can pay for her own stuff.

 

It's behavior she is conditioned too and the passive aggressive manner in which he brought this up suggests that he probably wouldn't put his foot down about this, because well... he never did in the first place.

 

This will cause a LOT of friction between the two at THIS point in time of the relationship and she can even use her "humiliation" in order to keep him in line. Trust me, this talk is more than likely not going to end well, specially after the brunch incident. He'll either cave to her demands and end up being resentful or she'll hold this over him if she complies.