After a few weeks of "quasi-NC", ex has me in agony again

[romantic_fool]

Wanted to post an update on my agony in search of more advice. The full story is at:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/sho...6124#post446124

 

Since then, I finally listened to the overwhelming recommendations of friends and well-wishers on this site - I adopted a "quasi-NC" strategy. The last contact I initiated was to send my ex a good luck card for her upcoming law school exams. For a while I did not hear anything from her. Then she sent me a warm email thanking me for the card. I only responded after several days with a polite email that rather directly made reference to all of the exciting and fun things I had going on in my life right now. Whenever she subsequently emailed or called, I made sure to be unavailable and only replied after lengthy delays and only to some of her messages. I think she noticed because in one of her recent emails she said "good to hear from you - glad nothing terrible had happened to you". I actually started to feel a bit better about myself, reconnect with the world, rebuild some self-worth and feel more control of the situation. During the past week, the emails from her were supplemented by more phone calls, which I again only answered sporadically and after leaving it for a couple of days.

 

Well, I don't know if this increased communication from her reflects the value of the NC strategy (I want to believe that it does). And last Wednesday, she called me several times and emails me to tell me her exams are over. When I call her back late that night, she asks if I want to come to Europe with her for a long weekend at the end of the month to celebrate. (She is in Toronto and I am in NY and we were in LDR.) I am so surprised that I immediately agree and offer to pay for our flights and hotel since I know that she could not afford to go otherwise. She asks me several times if I am sure and I say I am. Then, after I put the phone down I think about this a lot more and decide that - much as I am willing to do anything to help rekindle our relationship - it is unfair and unreasonable for me to be so generous in circumstances where we are only "good friends". The next day I inform her of this and she immediately agrees and says that she understands. She then asks if I will come with her to Europe if she is able to pay for her airfare. I say that I am not sure.

 

Yesterday, she calls me to tell me that she can't afford to go to Europe but will be visiting NY in May to see me and a friend (she made it clear that she will not stay with me). But then, she invites me to come to Toronto instead to stay with her for a long weekend next week! Maybe I should have reacted more coyly but I was so happy that I immediated agreed. We sketched out plans and I was elated...Not for long. She called me this morning to explain that - after talking with a friend - she has now changed her mind. She knows that we would have a really great time together and is concerned that this would hamper our efforts to move on and may confuse her feelings. I managed to persuade her to think about this for another couple of days though I harbour an awful feeling that she won't change her mind.

 

I recognise that she may well have just some spare time on her hands before starting a summer job and so I am merely a convenient diversion without her having any other agenda. Still, at least it shows she is still thinking about me. And, while I did not expect my appearance in Toronto to reignite our relationship, I was at least hoping that by having a lovely time together, it would make leave a good impression with her and maybe make her miss me a little bit afterwards.

 

Aaarrrgghhhh! I don't understand. Needless to say, I still desperately want her back in my life and she knows how I feel about her (we were together for 4 years). She realises that we would have a lot of fun together but is reluctant to do so because it may blur or renew her feelings for me? What's going on? If being with me makes her happy and is so potent at tempting her to (re)fall in love with me then why would she stubbornly deny this to herself? I know that she cares about me and thinks I am a very good person. I feel weak and depressed - all of my progress has been destroyed. Don't know what to think or do.

[tokyo]

Continue your NC thing and never ever again agree to anything unless you have thought thoroughly about it. The moment you agree with her, the moment she knows she has you on the hook. If you don't hesitate and act as if you needed some time to reconsider her suggestion (I mean, you are busy and you want to move on, etc. ), then she knows she can manipulate you as she wants. If she says: "Jump!", don't move, don't be so stupid. I had a friend and I just knew he was still interested in me, because of incredibly subtle signals. I never strung him along, but there was always a certain eagerness and I knew he still was interested in me (I truly had wished thought that he wasn't).

[SadAndLonely]

A word that jumped out at me was "desperately". Don't ever be desperate to be with someone. It seems like she tells you to jump and you ask "how high?" Don't immediately accept offers from her, because it looks, well, desperate. No one, man or woman, likes to be with someone like that. We like people who have confidence and standards, and to be honest, she isn't living up to what should be your standards. She should decide what she wants and not toy with you, and you shouldn't let her do it. I'm not saying she's a bad person, but right now she sounds really undecided, and you asking her to think about still going along with the trip comes across as (again) desperate, which is unattractive. It's like begging. Begging can be fun in some circumstances, but not this one.

[romantic_fool]

Thanks for the wake-up call. When I analyse my recent interaction with her (and I have been doing so lots and lots of times...), I know that you are right. My head and heart were doing sumersaults when she extended the invitation and I reacted, well, desperately. I should have acted more indifferently towards her when she axed the plan for me to come and see her. I essentially pleaded for her to reconsider. I will back off again and let the distance grow again...

 

Though I am upset by this latest twist, I can't help thinking that it is better for her to have asked me to visit her and then back out than for her to have never asked me in the first place? At the very least, I hope that it shows that she still has a (small) soft spot for me.

[SadAndLonely]

I'm sure she does, but you have to take back the control at this point. Focus on other things (believe me, I KNOW how hard this is), and I promise you that it won't matter when she decides what she wants.

[westernxer]

She sure changes her mind a lot.

 

Forget the "quasi" and go the full nine, at least until you see the blood dripping from her heart.

[westernxer]

By the way, your link cuts out... here's another go at it (hopefully it works):

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=446124#post446124

[romantic_fool]

Thanks for fixing the link westernxer - very kind of you