loverboy69 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 (edited) A new co-worker of mine started with our company last Tuesday. She told me on day 3 that she is HIV positive (contracted from ex husband who cheated on her with everyone and their mother) and has had the hardest time over the past 6 years finding anyone to date her. She is heterosexual. She has lot of friends but anytime there is any sexual interest in a man she is upfront about it and she says that men go running for the hills no matter how attracted they initially were to her to begin with. As a gay man I do sympathize with her because I know the virus hit the gay community pretty hard at one point and many people lost their lives even here in the wealthiest country on earth. I know there is a stigma towards HIV and some of it comes from heresay and some of it comes from the fear of the unknown. Even in 2015 you'd be surprised how many people are unaware of just how far medicine and science has come in battling this disease and if treated with retroviral medication early enough most people will live long, healthy full lives without the virus ever progressing to AIDS. We also now know that many people who are positive for the virus now have undetectable levels of it in their system after keeping a regular retroviral regimen to the point where most OTC HIV tests wouldn't even work. There have even been 2 documented cases in newborn babies where the virus has been completely eliminated because it was treated within 72 hours after being born and the virus never had a chance to take hold. So yes thing are looking up! I'm really hoping to hear of a break through cure within the next 5-10 years. However until the virus is completely curable there is always the chance that an infected partner would infect the other even if both are careful sexually. So this leads back to my question: Would you date someone whom you were already very attracted to if they came out and told you they were HIV +? Would it be a total deal breaker? If you cared enough for them would you find a way to make it work? There is no wrong or right answer to this and I don't want people to feel guilty for having an opinion. I'm just curious to know what the opinion is from the regulars on this forum since our members post from both sides of the pond. Personally there was a point in my life where I developed strong feelings for another man (and he was also very attracted to me) but when I made the first move on him he cried then rejected me and told me I would never be happy with him because of his HIV status. Twelve years later he still is single and won't date anyone. He still looks great, perfect shape, healthy but he won't let his walls down for anyone... sadly. Edited May 18, 2015 by loverboy69
almond Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 No, I would not. It's just not something I'm willing to take on.
lollipopspot Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Possibly. If he was a really great guy, I might explore how it would be possible to stay safe and still maintain the relationship.
gaius Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I knew a guy growing up who was way older than me, who had a past as a drug addict and used to suck cock for money for the habit. He contracted that along with hepatitis but at the time we met he had a wife who was fiercely into him and loyal. I remember being impressed by how much they loved each other in order to risk exposure to that. I'll be very surprised if I ever end up loving someone that much. =/ I love myself too much.
Fleur de cactus Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Tell your friend to try positive single website where she can find poeple in similar sitiuation. Otherwise no chance to find a partner who wants to take that risk.
loveweary11 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 That's flirting with an often fatal disease. Why bother adding an additional stress to your life? I wouldn't do it no matter who the person is. 1
joseb Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 There are a of situations where I might overlook some things about a partner if they had great qualities that made up for it. But this isn't one of them for me - just not worth the risk.
Toodaloo Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I would have to know a bucket load more than I do now about it. It would also have to be a really great guy for me to even consider it. In answer to your question - I just don't know.
LostOnes05 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 No, I wouldn't. But there are drugs like Truvada that are being used to prevent people in relationships with someone with HIV from contracting the virus. Nothing is 100% though.
baco Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 If my wife got infected now, well not from cheating, but in that situation the problem was not the virus, I'm certain that I would stay with her, it's not a virus that would destroy everything we have build all this years. On the dating stage of a relantionship I also think it would not be a deal breaker either, there are so many ways to protect oneself these days, not just condoms, but prep (pre exposure profilaxis) and in case of an accident, like a broken condom or something there is pep (post exposure profilaxis), so contracting the virus would not be a major worry, even without condoms the chances of contracting the virus are very, very low if the positive person has an undetectable viral load. It's a lot more risky having unprotected sex with random people than to be with a hiv+ partner who is in medical care, there are some additional challenges, but nothing that can't be overcame. I have volunteered in an HIV association and despite not being on the medical side of things, I just helped with clerical work, I've realised that most new infections were from married people, specially women, teenagers and also senior citizens. There has been made a lot of work with the so called risk groups, prostitutes now always or almost always use condoms to protect themselfs and our association sent volunteers to perform free regular and confidential tests, a needle exchange program has reduced transmission amog IV drug users and the LBGT community has been making a great job in informing people, so good that there are hardly any new transmissions amongst homosexuals. Unfortunatly there is still the ideia that unless you are homosexual, a sex worker and/or an IV drug user you are safe and at least in my country (I cannot speak for the rest of the world offcourse) this assumption is very wrong, over 70% of new infections are heterosexual and most are late diagnosis, because people don't think they were in danger for not belonging to the "risk groups" so never got tested.
lucy_in_disguise Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I would only consider a relationship if i was already in love and beleieved it was the right person for me. just dating, it would be a deal breaker. Medicine has come a long way, but at this point, it is still a conditon that puts a huge burden on the infected and their loved ones. Medication is expensive and he possibilty of losing insurance is always a risk. There are also potential side effects. A lifelong disease requiring constant medical monitoring is not something i would knowingly choose to expose myself for the chance to get to know someone new. Maybe my assessment would be different if i felt i had fewer options, but for now, there are too many other fish in the sea. Forunately for the hiv+ community and others, the internet makes it easier to meet people to date for whom it would not be a an issue.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Nope, I like sex and don't want to risk it. If it was herpes or something, sure that's relatively harmless, but HIV (which CAN be controlled with medication) can cause a lot of life ending complications.
jen1447 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I wouldn't for dating or a new relationship, no. But like baco said, if a committed partner came down with it, I'd be all in. 1
Gary S Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Perhaps it would not be an issue on an HIV dating site.
empresario Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I would not. It would have to be quite the extraordinary circumstances. Some of the people here are much stronger than me. The thought of having a lifelong ailment just gives me the heeby-jeebys, no matter the true risk. I mean, I cut out hot dogs because it increases your risk of cancer. I just feel like playing the odds, as a mathematician, is my best bet.
Gottabestrong Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 So this leads back to my question: Would you date someone whom you were already very attracted to if they came out and told you they were HIV +? Would it be a total deal breaker? If you cared enough for them would you find a way to make it work? If my boyfriend contracted HIV now (not through cheating) I would absolutely stay with him and make it work. But if he had told me he had HIV on the first or second date I probably would have ended it then and there. I think it depends on how well I know this person and whether I already have strong feelings for them. If a person I just met told me they had HIV then I probably would not continue seeing them, but if it someone I've known for a while (let's say through work or a social group) and I really liked them and felt a crush on them, then I would probably want to read up on the risks of getting HIV from them and what ways there are to protect myself before I made up my mind.
Vintage79 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 That's an instant non-starter for me...there are so many people to choose from, so it's pretty easy to just auto-nix those with that kind of nastiness before you even really become interest - honestly, I don't care even if it's unfair to them.
Syberia Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 (edited) Self-preservation dictates that I would not. No judgment of her or her character, but the simple fact that I'd like to stay alive. If it was curable, that would be completely different. But as it is, you have to stay on medication for the rest of your life, there's not a 100% guarantee that the medication will always work, nor is there a 100% guarantee that you'll always have access to that medication. Edited May 18, 2015 by Syberia
BC1980 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Probably not. What about her getting into a support group or dating website for people with HIV? I've heard those exist. I do know a couple and both have HIV, so it works out.
PrettyEmily77 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I've stopped counting the times I said I'd never do something, then stuff happens and I end up doing it anyway. For someone I have genuine, long lasting feelings for, I'd do anything. So yes from me, if he was the one. 3
Haydn Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 There was another thread like this... My answer is still. Yes i would.
Author loverboy69 Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 Yeah even I struggle with the thought of it as sympathetic as I am to most things in life. But like I said in the OP I did at one point in my life find myself head over heals for someone and had he not rejected me I would have tried to make it work. I was that much in love with him (at the time). He rejected me even though he was the one infected. I agree our perception on anything can be skewed when we are in love vs. just casually meeting someone for the first time.
Author loverboy69 Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 No, I wouldn't. But there are drugs like Truvada that are being used to prevent people in relationships with someone with HIV from contracting the virus. Nothing is 100% though. You are right. This is huge though and most people out there aren't even aware of this. This could be the start of a real anti-HIV medical breakthrough although right now they only recommend it for people who are at highest risk because of the long term unknowns of being forever medicated. I've been doing some research and and I'm pretty impressed with this. From what I understand in order for HIV to take root in the human body the virus has to bind to a CD4 receptor, penetrate the cell, convert from RNA to DNA then invade the nucleus then spread. This drug blocks the RNA to DNA conversion which stops HIV from infecting the body.
Author loverboy69 Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 I've stopped counting the times I said I'd never do something, then stuff happens and I end up doing it anyway. For someone I have genuine, long lasting feelings for, I'd do anything. So yes from me, if he was the one. Story of my life!
Author loverboy69 Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 Probably not. What about her getting into a support group or dating website for people with HIV? I've heard those exist. I do know a couple and both have HIV, so it works out. Good advice. I will share this with her.
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