Was it fair to break up after she lied about her extensive past?

May 18, 2015

I don't think she was prepared to take it to the grave. I think she was still talking to her friend about it because she felt guilty & wanted to find a way to tell him. I think she is the good girl he thought she was who made mistakes as a child. I'm reluctant to condemn anybody for decisions she made at 14 -18.

While he says he would have dropped her had he known I take that with a grain of salt too. He was an 18 year old freshman far from home. It might have taken longer but if she'd told him the truth, then kept hanging around, I bet he would have succumbed to her charms eventually because I don't have that much faith in the piety of a horny 18 year old.

All I'm saying is his is a knee jerk reaction. He acted out of anger & pain. He didn't even think about what kind of a person she has been while they were together. He focused on one thing & ended it. Yes it's an important thing but alone as an initial reaction I don't see the justification for simply dumping & condemning her. If he so much as said he tried to see things from her perspective but couldn't get past it, I would view his decision as being right for him. Here all I see is a spoiled little boy who is pouting because his GF has more experience then he realized.

I disagree. Some people have core values that reflect sexual restraint and taking relationships and sexuality seriously and want to be with others that have the same core values.

His core values and hers were incompatible.

Breaking up and each finding others with more compatible values is of benifit to both of them.

May 18, 2015

I disagree. Some people have core values that reflect sexual restraint and taking relationships and sexuality seriously and want to be with others that have the same core values.

His core values and hers were incompatible.

Breaking up and each finding others with more compatible values is of benifit to both of them.

While I agree with you in principle, How can you conclude that when this 14 year old girl lost her virginity she was expressing her core values, or lack thereof? I think she a misguided teen who succumbed to peer pressure. She has since grown up & now at 22, while struggling to find a way to come clean to the OP was learning what core values are.

May 18, 2015

My v-card is forever gone.

Look at it from another perspective...there are guys in their 30's here who are desperate to lose their "v-card." I know that you have different values, but in this society, losing the "v-card" by your age is actually considered more positive than not, and if you were sitting there still a virgin in your 20s, you might have a different set of anxieties to deal with.

That's just my perspective, but I'm not someone who holds "virginity" up as some kind of sacred thing.

May 18, 2015

Her numbers are none of your business. And you should never have told her you were a virgin either. It put her in a weird position. How many people someone sleeps with doesn't make them a bad person as long as they're not married or committed to anyone or sleeping with anyone who is.

May 18, 2015

While I agree with you in principle, How can you conclude that when this 14 year old girl lost her virginity she was expressing her core values, or lack thereof? I think she a misguided teen who succumbed to peer pressure. She has since grown up & now at 22, while struggling to find a way to come clean to the OP was learning what core values are.

When we have strong beliefs and values, whether it's right or wrong, we tend to want to walk our path with those who walk the same path as us.

He had/has strong beliefs rewarding virginity, sexual discretion etc and she was out having sex with multiple partners since her early teens. Whether he is right or wrong, he now sees her as incompatible and he has lost faith, trust and respect for her. He should not continue to date someone he no longer has respect, trust and perseverance for, even if we don't think her offense was that bad and was a long time ago.

We need to keep in mind that people end relationships over hair color, eye color the jobs they hold, the cars they drive, the friends they have etc etc

Values and behaviors regarding sexuality are a deeply held belief system and incompatibility of values and behavior are as good as any reason to terminate a relationship.

May 18, 2015

To Blackeagle-

To address your actual question, yes, you are perfectly in your right to end your relationship with her and you may even be obligated to do so.

You would have never dated her had you known of her behavior and sexual practices and she knew that and as such intentionally misled you and outright lied about her practices.

If her sexual values, beliefs and conduct is not compatible with your beliefs and values, that is one of the best reasons not to continue a relationship that there is.

If she has dismayed you to the point that you can no longer trust, respect and admire her to where you can treat her with the dignity and respect that she deserves as a girlfriend, then you are even obligated to amicably end the relationship rather than treat her badly.

You have the right to end the relationship if she is not the kind of woman you want in your life and the kind of woman you want to share your name, your home and to bare your children.

You do not however have the right to judge her or treat her badly or to disrespect her.

If you can not reconcile her past behavior with your values and you cannot forgive and move on from her deception and lies and believe that you will not be able to treat her with the dignity and respect that you believe a girlfriend does, then you must end the relationship rather than treat her less than.

May 18, 2015

You want a girl who is perfect. She wants a man who accepts her. Breaking up is best for both of you.

May 18, 2015

.....now that being said, be aware that many people are going to have an issue with that and think that it is wrong to judge someone for something they did in the past when there is no evidence or accusation of her screwing other dudes while you were together. Some people are going to have an issue with that.

Part of that issue is none of us wants to be judged for things we've done in the past and we've all had some experiences we probably should not have. It makes everyone a little uneasy to know that our past can still come back and haunt us.

What's at issue here is not that she had sex with other people before you. You were aware that she was not virginal.

What is at issue here is that her lifestyle and sexual beliefs, values, attitudes and practices were vastly different than yours and she intentionally and actively deceived you for years to hide that fact.

If that is not the kind of woman you want to be with, then that is your right and your prerogative. People don't bat an eye when women break up with guys because they don't like their cars or their hair or buddies. No man should ever be obligated to stay with a woman he longer trusts or respects and does not believe that she is the right match for him.

You can't treat her bad or treat her disrespectful, but your grounds for terminating the relationship are completely valid and justified.

May 18, 2015

.....now that being said, be aware that many people are going to have an issue with that and think that it is wrong to judge someone for something they did in the past when there is no evidence or accusation of her screwing other dudes while you were together. Some people are going to have an issue with that.

Part of that issue is none of us wants to be judged for things we've done in the past and we've all had some experiences we probably should not have. It makes everyone a little uneasy to know that our past can still come back and haunt us.

What's at issue here is not that she had sex with other people before you. You were aware that she was not virginal.

What is at issue here is that her lifestyle and sexual beliefs, values, attitudes and practices were vastly different than yours and she intentionally and actively deceived you for years to hide that fact.

If that is not the kind of woman you want to be with, then that is your right and your prerogative. People don't bat an eye when women break up with guys because they don't like their cars or their hair or buddies. No man should ever be obligated to stay with a woman he longer trusts or respects and does not believe that she is the right match for him.

You can't treat her bad or treat her disrespectful, but your grounds for terminating the relationship are completely valid and justified.

Oldshirt I would agree with you if the GF was a grown woman when she did any of those things. The conduct for which she is being summarily condemned at the age of 22 was done when she was a child aged 14 - 18. Throughout her relationship with the OP from 18-22 she seems to have been a good GF. It's unfortunate that at the age of 18 she didn't have the maturity to tell him the truth but I still don't see malice in her decision to lie.

I'm not saying that the OP has to stay with her & agree with your earlier statement that people break up for all sorts of reasons some trivial others important.

I am simply worried that nobody is trying to figure out what happened that this 14 year old child had sex back when she lost her virginity.

May 18, 2015

While I agree with you in principle, How can you conclude that when this 14 year old girl lost her virginity she was expressing her core values, or lack thereof? I think she a misguided teen who succumbed to peer pressure. She has since grown up & now at 22, while struggling to find a way to come clean to the OP was learning what core values are.

Regardless, I still had every right to choose someone that didn't have damaged years, that didn't sleep around. I don't share the mistakes she made in life. I'll never share the lifestyle of having casual sex nor of being a smoker..

When I was 14, all I was thinking about was doing well in school, going to movies with friends, skating and playing video games.

May 18, 2015

I'm curious if OP's main objection was the lying or the 20+ partners?

I don't think it's even normal to keep changing partner after partner like it were a pair of socks. This goes for both genders.

Also, just because someone wants to becomes a better person after having such an extensive past doesn't mean they can just hide all this from someone that takes sex seriously and wouldn't want to date them. She could have found someone else, instead of making me live a lie all these years.

May 18, 2015

Oldshirt I would agree with you if the GF was a grown woman when she did any of those things. The conduct for which she is being summarily condemned at the age of 22 was done when she was a child aged 14 - 18. Throughout her relationship with the OP from 18-22 she seems to have been a good GF. It's unfortunate that at the age of 18 she didn't have the maturity to tell him the truth but I still don't see malice in her decision to lie.

I'm not saying that the OP has to stay with her & agree with your earlier statement that people break up for all sorts of reasons some trivial others important.

I am simply worried that nobody is trying to figure out what happened that this 14 year old child had sex back when she lost her virginity.

Why should anyone else be trying to figure it out. Its her past and if it was problematic, its on her to figure it out.

If she wants a partner who understands and helps her figure it out, then she should have been honest from the get go.

May 18, 2015

Regardless, I still had every right to choose someone that didn't have damaged years, that didn't sleep around. I don't share the mistakes she made in life. I'll never share the lifestyle of having casual sex nor of being a smoker...

I never said you made the wrong choice for you.

All I said was I'm worried that she made bad choices as a child & they are haunting her now.

May 18, 2015

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Why should anyone else be trying to figure it out. Its her past and if it was problematic, its on her to figure it out.

If she wants a partner who understands and helps her figure it out, then she should have been honest from the get go.

Because she made these decisions as a CHILD, and now that her BF is dumping her for things she did four years ago, she may only now be figuring out that actions have consequences.

At 18 when they met I'm not sure she knew much more then he wanted a good girl & she wanted to be a good girl even though she wasn't.

I'm loathe to think people are condemning her for foolish decisions she made as a child.

It doesn't mean the OP has to date her but have a little sympathy for a messed up kid who seemed to have cleaned up her act while dating the OP. That speaks louder to me then what she did in high school.

May 18, 2015

Her numbers are none of your business. And you should never have told her you were a virgin either. It put her in a weird position. How many people someone sleeps with doesn't make them a bad person as long as they're not married or committed to anyone or sleeping with anyone who is.

I told her because I find honesty about your past important to me. If I'm in a relationship and want someone with those same values, I'm not just going to talk about trivial topics.

May 18, 2015

Most of the time guys increase the number of partners when asked. Girls half the number of partners, plus they never count "mistakes". So we guys never "really" know the real number. So if you thought the big "V" was some magical moment. Sorry your bubble was busted. It is just like poopholes, everyone has one, and they are not that special. Being someones last, now that is special.

May 18, 2015

I don't think it's even normal to keep changing partner after partner like it were a pair of socks. This goes for both genders.

Also, just because someone wants to becomes a better person after having such an extensive past doesn't mean they can just hide all this from someone that takes sex seriously and wouldn't want to date them. She could have found someone else, instead of making me live a lie all these years.

Numbers are pretty relative ultimately, but if you don't like hers, fair enough. I'm with Autumn that this breakup was the best thing for both of you.

May 18, 2015

Regardless, I still had every right to choose someone that didn't have damaged years, that didn't sleep around. I don't share the mistakes she made in life. I'll never share the lifestyle of having casual sex nor of being a smoker..

When I was 14, all I was thinking about was doing well in school, going to movies with friends, skating and playing video games.

By all means, someone pristine should not have to be with someone "damaged"

BTW, I was a 25+ year old virgin when I married.

May 18, 2015

What's at issue here is not that she had sex with other people before you. You were aware that she was not virginal.

But I believed her when she told me of only having a past bf. At the time either a virgin or a girl with in a past long-term relationship or 2 at most was the idea gf I was looking for. Virgin or very low count and in a relationship.

May 18, 2015

Most of the time guys increase the number of partners when asked. Girls half the number of partners, plus they never count "mistakes". So we guys never "really" know the real number. So if you thought the big "V" was some magical moment. Sorry your bubble was busted. It is just like poopholes, everyone has one, and they are not that special. Being someones last, now that is special.

I'm aware of that but I never felt like hiding my virginity at the time. It was something I was happy about.

May 18, 2015

Because she made these decisions as a CHILD, and now that her BF is dumping her for things she did four years ago, she may only now be figuring out that actions have consequences.

At 18 when they met I'm not sure she knew much more then he wanted a good girl & she wanted to be a good girl even though she wasn't.

I'm loathe to think people are condemning her for foolish decisions she made as a child.

It doesn't mean the OP has to date her but have a little sympathy for a messed up kid who seemed to have cleaned up her act while dating the OP. That speaks louder to me then what she did in high school.

No-one is condemning her. No-one is saying she was/is a bad person.

She is simply not the person she portrayed herself to be and she isn't the kind of person he wants as a serious GF or potential long term partner.

I realize this is a sad and unfortunate circumstance, but it is a reality. There are consequences for our actions. Karma can be bitch. Sometimes people can't party and screw the whole neighborhood and then get a nice person with strong morals and strong sexual beliefs just because they've had their fun and are ready to settle down now.

That may not seem right or fair, but it is a reality and people need to be aware that it is a reality. Our grandmother's new that promiscuous women had trouble getting decent husbands with strong convictions. the women of this generation seem to have trouble grasping that concept for some reason.

May 18, 2015

Promiscuity is relative too tho. I'm not arguing with OP's right to personal discretion and don't want to derail the thread, but there's no magic number where you get your promiscuity badge.

May 18, 2015

Regardless, I still had every right to choose someone that didn't have damaged years, that didn't sleep around. I don't share the mistakes she made in life. I'll never share the lifestyle of having casual sex nor of being a smoker..

When I was 14, all I was thinking about was doing well in school, going to movies with friends, skating and playing video games.

Yes Blackeagledan, we all get you are more righteous than her.

May 18, 2015

Promiscuity is relative too tho. I'm not arguing with OP's right to personal discretion and don't want to derail the thread, but there's no magic number where you get your promiscuity badge.

Correct.

For some people 500 is ok but 501 is unacceptable. For some others even one us one too many. But everyone has has an upper limit and many don't even know what that limit is untill it hits them in the face.

That's why I am so adament about people never having "the numbers talk."

No matter what you say, you will be wrong. Say one person too many, you'll be judged as slutty and corrupt. Say one peerson too few you'll be judged as undesirable and incompetent. Only way to win is not play the numbers game.

Where Blackeagle's GF screwed up is she outright lied and misrepresented herself as something she wasn't and kept up the lie for years and then got busted by accident.

That was the risk she took by getting involved with someone she knew highly valued sexual restraint.

He has no right to judge her or treat her disrespectfully. But he has no obligation to date her if he feels she isn't a match for him.

May 18, 2015

I told her because I find honesty about your past important to me. If I'm in a relationship and want someone with those same values, I'm not just going to talk about trivial topics.

Just telling someone you're a virgin doesn't tell them anything about your values. But now, if you told her for religious reasons you remained a virgin, then that's different, but it's not like you saved yourself for marriage. Neither of you did, so...

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Was it fair to break up after she lied about her extensive past?

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