h0000 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Can/will you stay friends with your friend's ex, hang out with them and/or help each other out if needed? My friend (a girl) went crazy when I (also a girl) asked her ex to help me moving. So did I break some girl code here?
Author h0000 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 I think it is poor form. I know if one of my guy friends started hanging out with an ex of mine, I would consider it a betrayal, and them obviously trying to get with her. I actually used to date an old childhood friend of my current GF. When her and I started talking, she went to her friend and cleared it with her to make sure she could handle us dating. I think that is a respectful way to handle the situation. Declare what? I am not trying to date him whatsoever. I am pretty sure I said "help me moving" which is just a one time thing. You think it's same as "hanging out"? Are you saying you will not allow your ex to help your friend? So you will not allow a current SO to help your friend either?
almond Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Can you really not see how this could make your friend upset? If not, then you're either incredibly inexperienced in life, or you're unable to empathise well. Do you not have any other friends or family members that you could call to help you? Not a single soul? This seems very odd to me. When your friend expressed how upset and hurt she was, did you apologise? Can you understand her position at all? This is painful for your friend and you should either respect her feelings, or end the friendship and do what you like.
almond Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I am pretty sure I said "help me moving" which is just a one time thing. You think it's same as "hanging out"? Read your own thread title: "Can you befriend your friend's ex?"
Author h0000 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 Can you really not see how this could make your friend upset? If not, then you're either incredibly inexperienced in life, or you're unable to empathise well. Do you not have any other friends or family members that you could call to help you? Not a single soul? This seems very odd to me. When your friend expressed how upset and hurt she was, did you apologise? Can you understand her position at all? This is painful for your friend and you should either respect her feelings, or end the friendship and do what you like. I happen to have no other people who can help on that particular date. And considering their history (she ended the relationship, then wanted another chance, then cheated, then had multiple other men afterwards) I do not have sympathy towards her. Him maybe. I do not understand how this is painful for her? It seems she is just jealous and possessive. She does not allow any of her friend to talk to either her current bf, ex bf or any male friend (her own words) And I am a friend with him beforehand ( I didn't befriend with him only after they broke up, if that makes a difference)
acrosstheuniverse Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Can/will you stay friends with your friend's ex, hang out with them and/or help each other out if needed? My friend (a girl) went crazy when I (also a girl) asked her ex to help me moving. So did I break some girl code here? If you can't sit and have an open, honest and loving conversation with your friend over this, is this even a friendship worth salvaging? I'm wondering why you can't both speak honestly about your feelings and reach an agreement. How old are you? I would feel betrayed if my friend hung out with my ex, whatever the circumstances, unless they spoke to me about it first or they were already friends before the relationship. I'm not expecting friends to unfriend them on facebook or blank them if they bump into them, but to actively meet up with a friend's ex is a betrayal to me: if they actually recognised it may be weird and asked how I felt first it'd be a different story. It's just girl code. Bros before hos. It's just how friendship works. You should have spoken to her about how she felt as a matter of basic respect, but based on how childishly it appears to have been handled I'm not sure there's anything to really save here.
cocorico Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Can/will you stay friends with your friend's ex, hang out with them and/or help each other out if needed? My friend (a girl) went crazy when I (also a girl) asked her ex to help me moving. So did I break some girl code here? "Girl code" is a myth perpetuated by people who can't bear to leave high school behind. If you're his friend, why not ask him? It's hardly as if you were jumping his bones before she was even out the door - you asked him to help you move. Friends do that. A more perplexing question is, why do you want to stay friends with her?
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I would stop being friends with you if you did that to me. It's a form of betrayal.
Author h0000 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 "Girl code" is a myth perpetuated by people who can't bear to leave high school behind. If you're his friend, why not ask him? It's hardly as if you were jumping his bones before she was even out the door - you asked him to help you move. Friends do that. A more perplexing question is, why do you want to stay friends with her? I am surprised people here think they have a say in who their ex can be friends with...or who their friend can be friends with. you are right it's not like I'm having sex with him..i really don't understand why a friend cannot help another friend?? Actually, her ex also happens to be able to help me land my promotion. Im sorry, should I say no and just stop my life for her now? i actually am not her friend anymore, due to other reasons.
Author h0000 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 I would stop being friends with you if you did that to me. It's a form of betrayal. Betray what exactly?
d0nnivain Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 You can be friends with whoever you like but like most things in life, there are consequences. When you try to be friends with a friend's EX you give the friend the impression that you care more about the EX then you do the friend. While that might not be true it is how it will be perceived by the friend. So it is a matter of loyalty. 2
minimariah Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 My friend (a girl) went crazy when I (also a girl) asked her ex to help me moving. you really had no one else to ask for help BUT your friend's EX? it's careless - why didn't you think about how will it affect your friend's feelings (no matter how irrational they might be)? if she was someone you actually give a damn, you would either consult her 1st or just asked someone else for help. it's shady, i'd "dump" you if i were her & found a friend with a sensitivity chip.
Author h0000 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 You can be friends with whoever you like but like most things in life, there are consequences. When you try to be friends with a friend's EX you give the friend the impression that you care more about the EX then you do the friend. While that might not be true it is how it will be perceived by the friend. So it is a matter of loyalty. I care more about the ex than the friend? So I have to choose sides? What? Why??
minimariah Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 You can be friends with whoever you like but like most things in life, there are consequences. When you try to be friends with a friend's EX you give the friend the impression that you care more about the EX then you do the friend. While that might not be true it is how it will be perceived by the friend. So it is a matter of loyalty. all of this. it's a matter of someone having a sensitivity chip & taking their friend's feelings into consideration. this entire "WELL, WHY SHOULDN'T I!" attitude the OP has going on shows how much that entire friendship sucks.
Author h0000 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 you really had no one else to ask for help BUT your friend's EX? it's careless - why didn't you think about how will it affect your friend's feelings (no matter how irrational they might be)? if she was someone you actually give a damn, you would either consult her 1st or just asked someone else for help. it's shady, i'd "dump" you if i were her & found a friend with a sensitivity chip. Actually, yes , at that time no one was available. And if her feelings are irrational (completely wrong IMO) why do I have to obey? And if you cared for your friend, why would you rather her spend hundreds to hire a moving guy and not let your EX (who is absolutely not connected to you in anyway anymore) give her a helping hand?? I would never do this to my friend. I wouldn't even have a problem with a current bf to help out. Not to mention an ex bf.
minimariah Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 And considering their history (she ended the relationship, then wanted another chance, then cheated, then had multiple other men afterwards) I do not have sympathy towards her. Him maybe. already demonizing her and rationalizing...? yea, you want to date him.
minimariah Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Actually, yes , at that time no one was available. no one? not even your friend? you don't have any family, friends, neighbours...? acquaintances...? *scratches head* if her feelings are irrational (completely wrong IMO) why do I have to obey? because it bothers her and you don't get to decide if her feelings are wrong or not - they are HER feelings. because she is your friend, you love her and care for her and want to keep her in your life -- in reality, she ISN'T your friend and you really don't give a f*ck about her. that's why you're here opening a thread, trying to convince both yourself and us how you don't owe her anything. And if you cared for your friend, why would you rather her spend hundreds to hire a moving guy and not let your EX (who is absolutely not connected to you in anyway anymore) give her a helping hand?? my friend would've never invited my x to help her move because she isn't trying to do AYNTHING that would POSSIBLY hurt my feelings. because she loves me and because i'm far more important than my X to her. sh*t, i'm far more important than furniture to her -- that's why i'm her friend. I would never do this to my friend. I wouldn't even have a problem with a current bf to help out. Not to mention an ex bf. and here you are -- twisting the entire story and making it seem like SHE is the one who is hurting YOU. who cares what YOU would've done? this isn't about you, she has a problem with it, she is hurting. you don't care to fix the entire thing. just break off that charade of a friendship and move on with you life, case closed.
Author h0000 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 already demonizing her and rationalizing...? yea, you want to date him. no...I really don't...he is as old as my dad and has kids so I have zero interest. I only said that because someone said I should feel sorry for my friend or something, and I was explaining why it is not necessary.
minimariah Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 no...I really don't...he is as old as my dad and has kids so I have zero interest. so why is he more important to you than your friend?
Author h0000 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 no one? not even your friend? you don't have any family, friends, neighbours...? acquaintances...? *scratches head* because it bothers her and you don't get to decide if her feelings are wrong or not - they are HER feelings. because she is your friend, you love her and care for her and want to keep her in your life -- in reality, she ISN'T your friend and you really don't give a f*ck about her. that's why you're here opening a thread, trying to convince both yourself and us how you don't owe her anything. my friend would've never invited my x to help her move because she isn't trying to do AYNTHING that would POSSIBLY hurt my feelings. because she loves me and because i'm far more important than my X to her. sh*t, i'm far more important than furniture to her -- that's why i'm her friend. and here you are -- twisting the entire story and making it seem like SHE is the one who is hurting YOU. who cares what YOU would've done? this isn't about you, she has a problem with it, she is hurting. you don't care to fix the entire thing. just break off that charade of a friendship and move on with you life, case closed. I don't have a family here. And other friends were not available and why would I ask an acquaintances rather than I friend when I need help anyway? Do people usually do that? Why would it possibly hurt your feelings when your ex is simply helping your friend? Is it because of your own insecurity or jealousy or something? I really cannot relate since I would not feel this way. But you are right we were not close friends to beginning with. And not friends at all anymore. because she was trying to stop her ex from helping me getting my promotion and i am not OK with that.
ASG Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I really don't like people dictating to me who I can and cannot be friends with. And I will be friends with whomever. I don't take sides. Obviously, most of the time, as soon as a friend breaks up with their SO, my contact with them will cease. But that is usually because of the nature of my relationship with their SO to start with, nothing to do with me choosing not to be friends with them.
Author h0000 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 so why is he more important to you than your friend? Where does it show that I think he is more important? because I asked him for help? I did that because she can't help? Again how is this relating to importance?
Author h0000 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 I really don't like people dictating to me who I can and cannot be friends with. And I will be friends with whomever. I don't take sides. Obviously, most of the time, as soon as a friend breaks up with their SO, my contact with them will cease. But that is usually because of the nature of my relationship with their SO to start with, nothing to do with me choosing not to be friends with them. I agree. I would not suddenly want to befriend with a friend's ex. But if I were friends with him before that, I don't see why i have to stop.
minimariah Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Where does it show that I think he is more important? because I asked him for help? I did that because she can't help? Again how is this relating to importance? actually, no. we're past you asking him for a help. you have an angry & hurt friend -- instead of acknowledging that hurt & working it out with her, you're trashing her on a Forum & asking for some kind of confirmation that you didn't do anything wrong. and really - you didn't. it's the aftermath that you don't feel like dealing with because you don't feel like dealing with this "friend" of yours. you're letting her being butthurt over an X get between the two of you -- what kind of friendship is that? what kind of friendship is that, where it's more important to you that you're being RIGHT than it is to keep that friend around?
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