Proud of myself

[SLee]

So I'm still living with my ex until our lease is up.

 

I've been following advice I've gotten here. I leave as much as I possibly can, I don't engage in conversation with him, I don't argue with, I don't contact him when I'm out and about, etc.

 

My emotions are still everywhere post break up. Sometimes I feel so level headed and I'm so proud of myself and then I have times like these where I feel like garbage and the fact that I'm letting myself feel like garbage makes it so much worse.

 

I still have feelings for him. I have a slim hope to reconcile at some point in the future, but I don't rely on it or push for it. I've got more important things to worry about to be honest.

 

Right now, I'm angry. Like I feel like punching a pillow as hard as I can angry. I'm angry that he justifies all of his actions now and in the relationship. Throughout all of this, I've acknowledged all my faults, where I messed up, etc. He just JUSTIFIES everything.

 

He was extremely controlling and had a horrible temper in the relationship. When I wanted to leave during an argument to take a walk around the block or go to a coffee shop down the street just to cool down, he'd block the door or if I walked out, chase me down and pull me back inside. At times I was really scared for myself.

 

I started acting strange during the relationship as this was going on out of fear and people noticed. But now that the relationship is over, his family (Who I became very close to) is just going to think I'm an unstable, mean, crazy person. I also had very severe anxiety and depression through all this.

 

I've forgiven him all his mistakes, I honestly have. What I'm struggling with now is how he gets away scot free and I carry all the blame for everything. Everyone loves him and thinks he's this amazingly handsome, intelligent, kind, caring person. And in a lot of ways, he is. But no one knows this side of him. And I can't do anything about it. He admitted he won't tell anyone because he's a coward.

 

I know that his family's opinion doesn't matter anymore. I know I shouldn't care. That's what the logical part of me is telling me. Just screw 'em and get on with my life. But I hate people I respect having a negative opinion about me over something that wasn't my fault and I have no power.

 

The family thing is a long running issue as well. With my family, I had to practically walk on eggshells with him because they loved him, but he wasn't fond of them. So I had to constantly be the go-between and make sure everything was okay. With his family, each time they hurt my feelings or made an insensitive comment, I would ask him to maybe just address with them. Not in a mean way or anything, just to acknowledge that my feelings were hurt. But THAT was always way too unreasonable because his family was perfect and mine was just so horrible and whatever.

 

So every time I wasn't perfect around them, I got made out to be some horrible villain.

 

I'm just so angry and upset. He gets to be happy having everyone's love and respect. On the other hand though, he gets angry at me when my friends aren't fond of them and gets upset about it. But he doesn't understand my frustration about the other stuff.

 

And he doesn't understand why I don't want to be "friends" with him.

 

I know what you're probably thinking: "Why are you dealing with this guy? He sounds like a complete tool/jerk/vulgar insult." Believe me, I'm asking myself the same thing. Why do I care? Why does this bother me? I'm just so pathetic and stupid.

[TunaCat]

First of all, you are not pathetic or stupid. You are human.

 

Yes, he definitely does sound like a jackass, and I'm honestly wondering why you are still living with him. He has shown to have a temper and you owe it to your own mental health to get out of the current living situation.

 

Is there absolutely no way you can break the lease? Because honestly, even if it meant losing some money, I'd be outta there so fast no one would see me.

 

Nothing about him or his family matters anymore. Controlling, abusive people never change and they are not worth your time or energy or thoughts.

 

Is there no one you can stay with temporarily?

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

If you were local I'd give you my punching bag to express some of that anger. Have you tried meditation in any way? I've found basic meditation techniques to be extremely helpful when dealing with high stress emotions. Your pillow idea might work as well. Just don't hurt yourself doing it, I imagine that would make things feel exponentially worse.

 

You're going to have ups and downs. It's completely natural but it does suck. Especially when the lows strike immediately after an all time high. If I remember correctly, you wrote like 15 pages expressing how you felt after your breakup? Maybe write down all the things that keep you going, and go back to it when you are feeling down. From all the negatives about your relationship with your ex to your aspirations in life. I hope things turn up for you soon.

[SLee]

First of all, you are not pathetic or stupid. You are human.

 

Yes, he definitely does sound like a jackass, and I'm honestly wondering why you are still living with him. He has shown to have a temper and you owe it to your own mental health to get out of the current living situation.

 

Is there absolutely no way you can break the lease? Because honestly, even if it meant losing some money, I'd be outta there so fast no one would see me.

 

Nothing about him or his family matters anymore. Controlling, abusive people never change and they are not worth your time or energy or thoughts.

 

Is there no one you can stay with temporarily?

TunaCat, thanks for your reply. It helped put my mind at some ease.

 

Our lease is up at the end of June, right now we have finals at school and I have some other commitments that I can't abandon this instant, otherwise I would. Once school is over, I'm gonna start packing up my stuff and possibly move back home for the summer until I get a new apartment for the fall semester. I'm just trying to figure out my options at this point.

 

I try to not be home whenever I can. I stay with friends when I can and go out with friends whenever I can, etc. It sucks that I can't even feel comfortable in my home that I've lived in and helped pay for for nearly 2 years, but it's what I have to do for now, I suppose.

 

Believe me, I'm aware of his a**hole-ish-ness. I've known it for a while, I guess. All my friends tell me I need someone better, stronger, more mature and all that. I know everyone's right. And for a while here, I was doing really well on that front. But now I've just fallen back into what feels similar to the initial break up misery and emotional fog. And I'm kicking myself, because I do KNOW for a fact that NOTHING will ever work with him unless/until he did some very serious life changing, which means time apart, working on myself, moving on, etc. And if he DID come around, I might not even care at that point.

 

On most days, I keep thoughts of his family out of my head because it's NOT my problem, but sometimes it just infuriates me. He was controlling and manipulative from early on in the relationship. He admits it now but says it came from a place of "caring" about me. That was just such a MESSED up thing to say and just disgusted me.

 

There were times when he was fine, everything was wonderful and almost magical, to use a corny word. But there were things he never, ever addressed that I didn't think was unreasonable (i.e. his temper). I'm still maybe a bit delusional (which also makes me feel pathetic) that he might change at some point once he grows up. That's probably really naive and stupid of me, right?

 

Thank you for your advice. It really, really helps me. I'm just trying to do the best I can.

[SLee]

If you were local I'd give you my punching bag to express some of that anger. Have you tried meditation in any way? I've found basic meditation techniques to be extremely helpful when dealing with high stress emotions. Your pillow idea might work as well. Just don't hurt yourself doing it, I imagine that would make things feel exponentially worse.

 

You're going to have ups and downs. It's completely natural but it does suck. Especially when the lows strike immediately after an all time high. If I remember correctly, you wrote like 15 pages expressing how you felt after your breakup? Maybe write down all the things that keep you going, and go back to it when you are feeling down. From all the negatives about your relationship with your ex to your aspirations in life. I hope things turn up for you soon.

Hey, HeartOfAPhoenix! Thanks for replying to another one of my posts! I really appreciate it.

 

If you were anywhere near me in the Midwest, USA I would definitely take you up on the punching bag. I was even thinking of taking like a kickboxing course at school next year or something, even though I'm tiny and not very strong, just to get some of the anger out. Fortunately, I've never been the type of person to lash out and break things or hurt myself by lashing out, so that's good.

 

I've thought about meditation. I'm just worried I don't have the concentration for it. With my anxiety, it's really hard for me to sit down and focus on clearing my head. But it might be a good outlet for me so I'll look into it further.

 

It helps to know it's natural, and you're completely accurate about how much it totally sucks. Yup, I was the girl who pumped out 15 pages of feelings all at once! Haha. Writing has been a great outlet so far. It's really all I got right now that helps other than LS, and family and friends.

 

I'm a list person so I made a list of things I like about me and one of things I don't/didn't like about my ex. I should probably start doing more of it, but with being preoccupied with finals, it's difficult at the moment.

 

I'm sure things will be okay eventually, it's just hell right now. I have things to look forward to in the near future and into next year. I'm almost looking forward to being away from him as much as it hurts and is scary.

 

Again, thanks for all your help and support. You've been extremely helpful to me in all your replies.

[Mr Carson]

SLee

 

I feel so bad for you, I have a daughter close to your age. The one thing I know you don’t EVER have to worry, your parents LOVE YOU, and they will choose you over any boyfriend or guy.

 

 

Don’t feed bad, can you ask them for help to get away from this bonehead?

 

 

I know I would move heaven and earth if my daughter were in your situation.

 

 

There is no shame everyone needs help sometime, your young and in a bad arrangement, yes you created it(not boneheads actions) just the living situation, just talk to your Mom and Dad you may be surprised.

 

 

 

And go ahead and punch the H***out of that pillow!

[Ruby65]

I think it would help you to spend some time researching "signs of emotional abuse" online so you can understand a few things.

 

#1: Your ex was abusing you.

 

#2: When you're caught up in an abusive relationship, you've been gradually conditioned to accept behavior you normally wouldn't tolerate from another person.

 

#3: The sense of concern you have for your physical safety is real. Sometimes -- not always, but it happens -- emotional abusers become more physical. The single most dangerous time for a female victim of emotional abuse is when she's in the process of leaving her partner.

 

Please spend some time looking online at sites about emotional abuse and how to spot an abuser -- and for one that gives you pointers on how to protect yourself when leaving an abuser.

[SLee]

SLee

 

I feel so bad for you, I have a daughter close to your age. The one thing I know you don’t EVER have to worry, your parents LOVE YOU, and they will choose you over any boyfriend or guy.

 

 

Don’t feed bad, can you ask them for help to get away from this bonehead?

 

 

I know I would move heaven and earth if my daughter were in your situation.

 

 

There is no shame everyone needs help sometime, your young and in a bad arrangement, yes you created it(not boneheads actions) just the living situation, just talk to your Mom and Dad you may be surprised.

 

 

 

And go ahead and punch the H***out of that pillow!

Mr Carson, thank you so much for your support!

 

My parents have been a wonderful support through all of this. I'm very grateful. I hate asking them for help because they do so much for me as it is with university and stuff. I'm planning on working on something out with them once finals are over.

 

He is a bonehead and no matter what, I just need to get away from him from my own mental sanity. I don't want to make more compromises and sacrifices than I already have (Like I said, I already feel like I'm give up my home by staying away as much as possible.) but it's for the sake of my sanity at this point, I guess.

 

Again, thanks for your perspective as a parent! I really appreciate it!!!

[SLee]

I think it would help you to spend some time researching "signs of emotional abuse" online so you can understand a few things.

 

#1: Your ex was abusing you.

 

#2: When you're caught up in an abusive relationship, you've been gradually conditioned to accept behavior you normally wouldn't tolerate from another person.

 

#3: The sense of concern you have for your physical safety is real. Sometimes -- not always, but it happens -- emotional abusers become more physical. The single most dangerous time for a female victim of emotional abuse is when she's in the process of leaving her partner.

 

Please spend some time looking online at sites about emotional abuse and how to spot an abuser -- and for one that gives you pointers on how to protect yourself when leaving an abuser.

That's an excellent idea. My head says the right stuff, but I'm still hung up on this for some stupid reason I can't figure out.

 

I'm doing my research as you said. Whatever it takes to convince myself in the right direction.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Midwest is a bit of a walk from here with a 60-80lbs punching bag... sorry!

 

Coming from someone who my doctor wanted to put me on anxiety medication when I was a teen, and I refused, meditation helped me a lot when I came to LS. I recommend trying a couple "techniques" to get a feeling for it. If you find it doesn't work, at least you tried.

 

I don't know much about kick boxing, but if you're concerned about your small build you should look into self defense courses. A lot of them borrow styles from kick boxing, jujitsu, ect and try to eliminate size differences in possible opponents. Just a thought. I'm not sure if you've taken an interest in this as a form of healing or a fear of being in a dangerous situation.

 

 

Again, thanks for all your help and support. You've been extremely helpful to me in all your replies.

 

Aww, shucks.

[SLee]

Haha! No worries!!!

 

I'm going to therapy and have thought about getting on meds for anxiety. I've always been hesitant because I'm not the type of person who wants to take a bunch of drugs for things, but if it really can't hurt, I'm definitely willing to give it a shot at this point.

 

Yeah, I've been looking into kickboxing/self-defense/martial arts stuff just to feel physically stronger and to have a healthy way to get my energy and frustration out. I was considering dance as well, since I have a dance background, and my ex never wanted to take a ballroom dance course with me so it'd be a way of saying "screw him" and just doing it! I'm also very timid and shy so doing something that challenges me that way in a safe, supportive environment might be helpful for me.

 

I'm keeping my options open and fortunately my university offers a lot of this stuff for the next semester.

 

Again, thanks so much. You've offered me a lot really great ideas to keep myself focussed in a positive direction.

[crimsontactics]

Haha! No worries!!!

 

I'm going to therapy and have thought about getting on meds for anxiety. I've always been hesitant because I'm not the type of person who wants to take a bunch of drugs for things, but if it really can't hurt, I'm definitely willing to give it a shot at this point.

 

Yeah, I've been looking into kickboxing/self-defense/martial arts stuff just to feel physically stronger and to have a healthy way to get my energy and frustration out. I was considering dance as well, since I have a dance background, and my ex never wanted to take a ballroom dance course with me so it'd be a way of saying "screw him" and just doing it! I'm also very timid and shy so doing something that challenges me that way in a safe, supportive environment might be helpful for me.

 

I'm keeping my options open and fortunately my university offers a lot of this stuff for the next semester.

 

Again, thanks so much. You've offered me a lot really great ideas to keep myself focussed in a positive direction.

 

You don't have to go into therapy/medication right now if you don't want to. It's just a natural reaction to your breakup. Give it some time first alright?

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

I'm going to therapy and have thought about getting on meds for anxiety. I've always been hesitant because I'm not the type of person who wants to take a bunch of drugs for things, but if it really can't hurt, I'm definitely willing to give it a shot at this point.

 

I'm not vouching for taking anxiety medication. I've never been on it. Luckily I have parents that when posed with the recommendation that I be on anxiety meds, they extended me the choice. Like you, I'm not the type of person who wants to take a bunch of drugs for things. That's not to downplay the people who made the choice to take to meds, or need them. But I don't want to push you in that direction when I haven't had that experience.

 

 

You have a dance background.... Were you a ballerina when you were little? My lack of psychic ability points to yes.

[SLee]

Oh, sorry, I must have misunderstood. I completely agree with you though that if it helps people than that's totally fine and I'm certainly not knocking on people who take medication for any anxiety/other mental issues.

 

Ballet was one of the ones I never did haha! Ballet is super intense and just wasn't for me. But I did modern dance, tap, but swing was always my favorite. That led me to being a pretty good ice skater, but when I got into high school and university I just didn't have time for it anymore when I wanted to focus on my education. I would love to find a way to get back into it again, as I've missed it for a while...lol!

[SLee]

So tonight my ex had a work event and more or less invited me along. And I almost went thinking it could be fun or something but I didn't.

 

I fell into that trap a month or so ago and it was awful. He walked 10 feet in front of me and pretended I didn't exist, forcing me to follow him around like a puppy not knowing what was happening and barely acknowledged me. It was so awkward and awful.

 

Even though it hurts that I don't get to hang out with him anymore like we used to, I am proud that I didn't jump at the first chance to hang out with him. Especially because I've been really down lately and missing him a lot.

 

So in all the emotional negativity going on right now, at least I have that.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

You've come a long way. I'm proud of you.

[Lizrd3000]

That's brave, and shows alot of strength in your personality.

Good job! If you can do this, I'm sure all of the hardships your ex will throw your way, will be overcome. :')

[SLee]

Thanks all, I probably couldn't have resisted without the help of everyone's advice, so I have a lot of y'all to thank, even thought this achievement is a small one in the grand scheme.

 

But yeah, I'm happy I didn't do it. I'm not left with any "what ifs" or regrets about not going. It would have been a train wreck.

 

So the my achievement is small, I like believing it counts for something.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Thanks all, I probably couldn't have resisted without the help of everyone's advice, so I have a lot of y'all to thank, even though this achievement is a small one in the grand scheme.

But yeah, I'm happy I didn't do it. I'm not left with any "what ifs" or regrets about not going. It would have been a train wreck.

 

So the my achievement is small, I like believing it counts for something.

 

Stop undermining your accomplishment. You fought temptation and won, something completely against human nature. Obviously this action didn't knock you into complete indifference, but we're not super. We climb mountains one agonizing step at a time, not one effortless leap to the top.

 

Stop being so humble and let us feed your ego!