Should I tell my daughter her boyfriends secret?

[ascendotum]

I understand it's the politically correct thing to do.

 

When I was 20 I got married to a man my parents silently disapproved of. I wish they had hit me on the head with it and inject some common sense into me. Instead they let me make my own mistake, that mistake lasted 15 years.

 

Do you really think you would have listened to them then as a headstrong independent young woman out to live her own life. I've heard a number of stories from women who have teenage daughters or step daughters now and its often a case of history repeats. You're old you don't understand, I'm different, he's different, you don't know him like I do, he's not like you think, stop trying to run my life I'm not a child anymore, and so on.

 

I don't have kids and I don't think the OP should tell. I do think though that she should clue her up, as to what signs to look for with shifty guys. Tell her that often when a person in a couple says we need have a break it can mean they use it to sleep with others without it be considered cheating. If I had a child and I thought they were preparing to marry the wrong person, I definitely would say something as tactfully as I could.

[TaraMaiden2]

OP, there is another way.

 

You could have a word with the guy himself....

 

My first instinct would be to send him a text asking him to meet you at the park, somewhere away from home, and tell him you're going to talk.

You don't want any interruptions, you don't want any argument, confrontation or anything else, you just want him to listen.

 

tell him what you know.

Tell him your primary concern is your daughters happiness.

tell him you know he's an ordinary human being, just like anyone else, and naturally, as a young guy, he's still feeling his way in life.

but there's a right way to do things, and a wrong way to do things.

 

Urge him to not leave your daughter in limbo, urge him to think carefully about what he does.

 

You're not going to influence him either way; he is an individual adult, and has a right to make his own decisions.

you respect that.

So whether he stays with your daughter, or not, is up to him, and you won't reproach him or encourage him in either direction.

The call is his. But be a man.

 

This is staying private between the two of you.

You will no longer say anything to him about it, and your daughter is safe now, and in the future, from this revelation.

This will be "our little secret" and you would never stoop so low as to hold it over his head.

 

But behave in the right way with your daughter.

Even if it means hurting her feelings, at least take the honest way to do it.

 

Then pat his leg in a motherly way, get up, and walk away.

 

He'll be thinking long and hard....

[lucy_in_disguise]

I would find it interesting to know how many of the posters on here who said 'don't tell' are parents.

 

As a mother of an adult daughter I would not be able to keep this kind of information to myself while my daughter is being fooled or cheated on. She may be mad at me for a long time but her well being is more important to me than anything else in life so I'd bite the dust and accept what ever treatment she'd have in store for me, I know eventually she'd come around.

 

It sounds like you found a way to monitor her boyfriend's phone activity?

 

I agree. now that she knows, i dont know how she would be anle to keep the info to herself while the daughter continued to be cheated on. Now that she knows, i thonk she should tell, tho i would try to phrase it in a different way than admitting full-blown snooping.

 

I still maintain that she should not have gone there in the first place, tho. It is creepy to thonk of a woman learning so much info about somw teenagers.

 

My mom was the snooping type - she beleived that as a mother, she was entitled to know wverything abiut her kids so she could watch out for us. She did not see an issue with going through my room, reading my private writing, or, as late as high school and college, opening my mail. I love my mom but her behaivior led to my developing a habit of lying abiut everything as a child to maintain some semblence of privacy- and putting a lot of distance - physical and emotional - between us in early adulthood. I moved as far away from home as i could the minute i turned 18. It took many years but shes come to realize just because shes a mother does not entitle her to know everything about her children. It took many more years for me to forgive and establish a healthier relationship with normal boundaries and trust.

 

You may have good intentions here, but you will most likely alienate your daughter if uou continue to snoop.

Edited May 18, 2015 by lucy_in_disguise

[Versacehottie]

I think how posters are suggesting they would or it should be handled has much to do with their personalities and beliefs rather than whether or not they are a parent. If you are on this board a decent amount of time, it doesn't take long to figure out different personalities and approaches.

 

Additionally, there is a big difference between telling a child you don't like his or her bf/gf or nudging them in that direction and meddling in the outcome of how a relationship progresses, fails or succeeds. Justify it however you want--obviously unwarranted justification is exactly what got this parent (OP) into this mess.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm a parent.

I had a similar situation.

THis is the way in which I handled it.

 

It turned out to everybody's mutual satisfaction.

Had I not said anything, then I fear matters would have had a sadder outcome.

[d0nnivain]

She's your daughter. You get to protect her. You have info that you came by & you need to share that info with her. Do not tell her what to do with it -- break up with him -- but do disclose that you have reason to believe that he hasn't been faithful. Let her make her own decisions about things. Be supportive but not dictatorial. Do not be judgmental. It's her decision but if she finds out you knew & didn't tell her, that is waaaaaayyyyy worse betrayal then some cheating boy.

[Redhead14]

About 3 weeks ago my daughters bf started disengaging from their relationship, eventually getting progressively worse to where he hardly used a pet name, hardly texted, when did seemed more 'friends' like, and then avoided seeing her. I began doing some snooping and discovered what i suspected (my daughter did not suspect), he was spending time with another girl.

 

I was planning on telling my daughter the next day what I had discovered, but that night he told my daughter he thought they should 'take a break' and let him figure out whats going on, because he wasn't feeling the connection lately they had always had. So, I didn't tell her the next day because she was so sad and upset.

 

He did text her just a little the next 2 days, but she only responded twice. At the end of the 2nd night he called her saying all the things he had been thinking about and that he wants to keep dating. They have been texting and sending pics nonstop all weekend, but have not tried to see each other.

 

I know the day after he asked her to keep dating he had no contact with the other girl because of a post she made, but no idea as of today. I know he never went on an actual date with this girl, but they did spend time together (and text alot I'm sure) creating a possible emotional connection with her.

 

If I tell my daughter, I fear she will always have trust issues in her life. Is this something she needs to find out on her own? I have even thought about talking to the boyfriend about it first. There's a part of me that thinks he knows he messed up and now made his choice and is trying to rectify the situation, except for he hasn't tried to see her, but that could be me expecting too much because she has not complained about it, or my husband says it could be his guilt he still carries. But then another part of me fears he will be tempted by this girl again when they are around each other, so my daughter should know. My husband says give him a chance to fix it and prove himself, but I'm not convinced that's best for her or the situation.....

 

How old is your daughter? Whether you tell her or not, she will be hurt and it will affect her ability to trust a man for a while perhaps. An emotionally adjusted young woman, will deal with the hurt and move on. She will likely be a little wary when she starts dating new people, but it shouldn't be a huge issue if she's otherwise emotionally healthy.

 

I would not interfere. Parents cannot and should not try to protect a child who is dealing with everyday life issues (as long as it's something that's not dangerous or significantly detrimental to them). Breaks ups are a normal part of growing up. If a parent tries to shield them from things, they aren't letting the child experience independence or giving them the ability to deal with things as they grow up.

 

It's better if she comes to you for advice and support. This man has done the right thing. He's talked to her and told her he needs a break. He's likely deciding what/who he wants for himself. If he chooses the other girl, it's for the best for both your daughter and himself. The fact that he talked to your daughter first (he hasn't had an actual date with the other girl), is not a bad thing. It would be worse if he "cheated" with the other girl and not talked to your daughter. It seems he's doing "it" right.

 

It's part of growing up for both of them. Let him figure out what he wants and they will handle it themselves. You talking to him will likely make him feel threatened and uncomfortable. If he's very young, he may just stay with your daughter because of that or it may make him run. Let things run it's natural course.

 

And, if they do break up and she finds out you knew, you simply tell her you're sorry she's had to go through this and that if she's old enough to have a boyfriend, she's old enough to deal with things as they come. You'll always be there for her for support but you can't protect her from everything. Tell her she will find someone who is right for her and encourage her to be strong, confident and secure in herself.

 

In addition, if you did talk to the boyfriend, she may resent your interference. It's best to just stay out of it. A parent's job is to be supportive and protective. But protect them from significant dangers, not everyday life.

 

It is better to let her learn from the experience and process the associated emotions. That will teach her more. Interfering and protecting a child from life doesn't prepare them for the future and causes them to "rely" on the parents. You've heard the saying "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

Edited May 18, 2015 by Redhead14

[jen1447]

I really don't mean to offend you, but your snooping has reached the level of being creepy. You know far too much about the details of some kids' lives. You were completely out of line.

Is it really possible for a parent to be "creepy" as regards their child, outside extreme examples like child molestation? I mean, there's no one in life a parent has a more vested interest in than their child, and no one a child depends on more than their parent(s).

[CC12]

Is it really possible for a parent to be "creepy" as regards their child, outside extreme examples like child molestation? I mean, there's no one in life a parent has a more vested interest in than their child, and no one a child depends on more than their parent(s).

 

I see what you're saying. I generally don't agree with snooping on your own children except in extraordinary circumstances (a daughter's boyfriend acting distant doesn't even come close to being a good excuse for snooping in my opinion) but whatever, that's a parenting decision and that's not what I was calling creepy.

 

I was describing it as creepy because she snooped into her daughter's boyfriend's personal life and was following him closely enough to know details of his goings on with some other little girl. That seemed really invasive and weird to me. Way too meddlesome.

[writergal]

Is it really possible for a parent to be "creepy" as regards their child, outside extreme examples like child molestation? I mean, there's no one in life a parent has a more vested interest in than their child, and no one a child depends on more than their parent(s).

 

There are many examples of creepy overprotective parenting out there. There's even a term for it, "helicopter parenting." A helicopter parent is an over-protective parent who is too involved in their own child's life to the point where their child has no independence, no privacy, no freedom of choice in their own life.

 

All you have to do is use Google search to find those examples like here.

 

1. Father creates his own youth baseball team after his 10 year old son gets kicked off his youth baseball team for not being very good. He takes out ads in the newspaper, to recruit kids who've been kicked off their own youth baseball teams to join his baseball team nicknamed Vengeance. Meanwhile this father stalked his son's former coach by using a telephoto lens on a camera to take photos of his son's former coach and the man's family, along with sending the former coach text message pictures of his son with the threat that he is going to kidnap the former coach's son. Eventually, he was arrested and faces 20 counts of aggravated harassment.

 

2. A group of parents in Colorado Springs hijacked their children's Easter Egg hunt because they didn't want their children's feelings to be hurt for not finding eggs -- so the parents jumped the rope ahead of their own children and scooped up the eggs themselves, not letting their own children have that fun.

 

3. A school secretary mother used her school's superintendent's name and password to break into her daughter's electronic gradebook to change her children's grades OVER 100 TIMES! Finally the teacher's noticed and when police confronted the mother she claimed she didn't know it was wrong.

 

4. New wave of parenting who interfere in their college-aged children's lives who job search. One parent schedules every hour of her college sons' lives, and monitors their personal email accounts and bank accounts. She obtains their professors' course syllabus' and then emails her sons their homework assignments for every class, and she makes sure they get to their early morning classes on time by calling them early every morning to wake them up.

 

5. Wealthy parents in New York have been caught hiring tutors to do their children's schoolwork for them. One medical student was hired as a tutor by a wealthy family to do this, and he made $150K which he used to pay off his medical school loans. And this problem also exists in China -- where wealthy parents hire tutors to complete their children's homework assignments so that their children will get straight A's and graduate.

 

6. Parents spend money on "popularity classes" so that their children will be socially accepted by their peers, such as a sorority prep school.

 

There's even the extremely creepy parents out there who would murder for their own children's benefit. Think of the Texas mom Wanda Holloway. She attempted to hire a hitman to have the mother of her daughter's cheerleading rival killed.

[writergal]

I see what you're saying. I generally don't agree with snooping on your own children except in extraordinary circumstances (a daughter's boyfriend acting distant doesn't even come close to being a good excuse for snooping in my opinion) but whatever, that's a parenting decision and that's not what I was calling creepy.

 

I was describing it as creepy because she snooped into her daughter's boyfriend's personal life and was following him closely enough to know details of his goings on with some other little girl. That seemed really invasive and weird to me. Way too meddlesome.

 

That's because it IS creepy that the OP snooped into her own daughter's boyfriend's personal life and follows him closely enough to know what's going on his his life.

 

Seriously OP, you've gone overboard with your helicopter parenting. You need to leave your daughter alone and let her live her own life, make her own mistakes and learn from them. It is invasive and inappropriate what you are doing with your daughter's life.

 

There's good parenting and then there's helicopter parenting. Very clear difference between the two.

[Gaeta]

I have asked my daughter how she would react if I told her I spied on her boyfriend's phone activities because I didn't trust him and turns out I found something.

 

*She said she would want me to come forward with the information.

 

*She would be upset but nothing compared to how upset she would be if I kept the information to myself while she was being cheated on.

 

I would never go through my daughter's personal belonging but I remember a time when she was barely 18 and this creep 42 yo was after her. I would have had no problem snooping on him to ruin him and make his life a living hell.

[Redhead14]

I have asked my daughter how she would react if I told her I spied on her boyfriend's phone activities because I didn't trust him and turns out I found something.

 

*She said she would want me to come forward with the information.

 

*She would be upset but nothing compared to how upset she would be if I kept the information to myself while she was being cheated on.

 

I would never go through my daughter's personal belonging but I remember a time when she was barely 18 and this creep 42 yo was after her. I would have had no problem snooping on him to ruin him and make his life a living hell.

 

 

Your daughter's response to a hypothetical scenario is not necessarily representative of the response she would have if she were walking in those shoes. And in this post, this guy is simply considering if this girl is the one for him or if he wants another girl. He hasn't cheated. He's stepped back from her to evaluate things for himself. He isn't doing anything wrong. And, since according to the OP he hasn't cheated (yet), her telling the daughter that he may be doing that is unfair to the guy and the daughter.

 

Barely 18 being involved with a 42 yo creep is an entirely different situation. That is a potentially dangerous scenario and requires parental involvement.

[kendahke]

It's best to have had an open dialogue in place before now for the daughter to have been able to come to her mother and discuss these kinds of things. Telling her daughter she snooped is going to totally destroy the trust the daughter may have for her. It would lead me to ask "what else of mine has she been rummaging through?"

 

Daughter has to learn how to navigate her way out of relationships that are not working out. It may well be that this relationship should not work out for various reasons, especially if the guy is not 100% invested.

Edited May 19, 2015 by kendahke