KayK Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 About 3 weeks ago my daughters bf started disengaging from their relationship, eventually getting progressively worse to where he hardly used a pet name, hardly texted, when did seemed more 'friends' like, and then avoided seeing her. I began doing some snooping and discovered what i suspected (my daughter did not suspect), he was spending time with another girl. I was planning on telling my daughter the next day what I had discovered, but that night he told my daughter he thought they should 'take a break' and let him figure out whats going on, because he wasn't feeling the connection lately they had always had. So, I didn't tell her the next day because she was so sad and upset. He did text her just a little the next 2 days, but she only responded twice. At the end of the 2nd night he called her saying all the things he had been thinking about and that he wants to keep dating. They have been texting and sending pics nonstop all weekend, but have not tried to see each other. I know the day after he asked her to keep dating he had no contact with the other girl because of a post she made, but no idea as of today. I know he never went on an actual date with this girl, but they did spend time together (and text alot I'm sure) creating a possible emotional connection with her. If I tell my daughter, I fear she will always have trust issues in her life. Is this something she needs to find out on her own? I have even thought about talking to the boyfriend about it first. There's a part of me that thinks he knows he messed up and now made his choice and is trying to rectify the situation, except for he hasn't tried to see her, but that could be me expecting too much because she has not complained about it, or my husband says it could be his guilt he still carries. But then another part of me fears he will be tempted by this girl again when they are around each other, so my daughter should know. My husband says give him a chance to fix it and prove himself, but I'm not convinced that's best for her or the situation.....
CrystalCastles Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 I would tell her. She's your daughter. She shouldn't be wasting any more time with this guy. He sounds immature, like he's got "grass is greener" syndrome. He doesn't sound like he has the balls to end it, and he's treating your daughter like a back-up plan in case things with the other girl don't work out. I don't think your husband is right. I think its up to your daughter to decide whether she wants to keep seeing this guy or not. Personally I think the relationship might be falling apart and she should find someone else who doesn't feel it necessary to take breaks to see other chicks. If this guy isn't feeling it, he should end the relationship.
neowulf Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Tough situation. In my opinion, if your daughter is old enough to engage in romantic relationships, then she's old enough to to learn to deal with what that entails. The tricky part here is that you already pushed the boundaries by involving yourself directly in the situation. She might not appreciate that, despite your best intentions to try an protect her. If it were me, I'd explain what I'd done and what I'd discovered. Apologise for snooping and tell her that I have faith in her to make the right call. That if it goes badly, then I'll be there to help pickup the pieces. 3
Author KayK Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 The break was after he spent the time the other girl, basically while he was confused what to do. So the break helped him 'decide what he wanted'.
lucy_in_disguise Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 You should tell her, but more importantly, you should avoid snooping in the future. Are these teenagers were talking about? I think what you did was a major invasion of privacy and pretty creepy. If i was your daughter i would be super pissed. 3
lemoncello Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Don't tell your daughter anything. Let her find out that he cheated on her, on her own. If you tell your daughter you will destroy her trust in you as her mother. She will then assume that you snoop through her things all the time, and she will shut down emotionally and never share anything with you ever again. Stop snooping on your daughter's life. The only appropriate time that a parent should snoop is if they suspect their child is: suicidal, on drugs, or having premarital sex without birth control. If you want to retain the integrity of your mother-daughter relationship let your daughter experience the ups and downs of life herself, or she will never learn to cope with conflict on her own. Do you really want to rob your daughter of her own psychological development? Conflict resolution takes practice. Let her experience it. Let her learn how to resolve conflict when it comes into her life or you will have raised a codependent child who has serious trust issues that skew her entire view of the world and damages how she relates to it. 4
preraph Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 I think I'd let her experience this. Plus if you tell her you snooped, then you can't snoop anymore because she'll find a way around you. I hated my mother for snooping. And then she'd throw in my face something that wasn't even my doing. So I say don't breach that except for an all-out emergency, like you find out she's going to meet an old guy she met online or she's sending money to someone. She has to make her own mistakes to learn from them anyway. So only interfere in the truly dangerous stuff. 1
writergal Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 My husband says give him a chance to fix it and prove himself, but I'm not convinced that's best for her or the situation..... I agree with your husband. Let your daughter make her own choices and her own mistakes. She will learn from her own mistakes and if she needs guidance, you and your husband can be there for her. But don't dictate her choices for her. Don't be a helicopter parent.
DJOkawari Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 The biggest question for me is how do you know all of this stuff? I'm impressed. 3
ascendotum Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 You should tell her, but more importantly, you should avoid snooping in the future. Are these teenagers were talking about? I think what you did was a major invasion of privacy and pretty creepy. If i was your daughter i would be super pissed. If you think (and more importantly the OP) the daughter will be pissed then its not worth it for the OP to divulge this information. She says she is worried about her daughter having trust issues, I dont know if that is in relation to boys/men, but she will have trust issues in relation to her mom, if she has been doing snooping. I think the moms should look out for their daughters and give them the same advice I see from the older women here but I tend to see it seems to often go unheeded. The daughters have a more rebellious streak against their moms, and think they know better and will date the guys they want even though the moms can see her bf is a jerk/user because she and her friends dated similar guys in their youth . Let her learn the hardway in this case, as there is too much downside risk for the family relationship. Maybe if possible drop hints that might get her being more proactive in looking for the signs and reading between the lines.
Versacehottie Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Tough situation. In my opinion, if your daughter is old enough to engage in romantic relationships, then she's old enough to to learn to deal with what that entails. The tricky part here is that you already pushed the boundaries by involving yourself directly in the situation. She might not appreciate that, despite your best intentions to try an protect her. Dating is about learning these things on your own and through that growing up etc. I would feel pretty betrayed doubly if not only was my bf cheating on me but that my mom was snooping on him and discovered it. It will potentially destroy the trust she has for you and maybe be extra humiliating for her. I don't know if I could have said it better that if she is old enough to date, she's old enough to deal with what it entails. You can't protect her from everything and your behavior seems kinda invasive and controlling from my POV--sorry. I think the best thing you could do as a mom is be there for her when and if she finds out with generalized words of wisdom. You need to let her make her own dating mistakes as long as he's not abusive. A cheating guy or one with a wandering eye is probably going to be something she will deal with again so might as well learn the lesson now. I think as emotional as some teenage girls can be, the moments are often fleeting and there is an inherent sense with even the ones acting like they have no sense, that life is just beginning and there will be other boyfriends. In other words, they get over stuff relatively quickly. I would much rather my mom stay out of my dating life choices (a receipe for rebellion) and just be there for me if and when I asked for help. too much sheltering is a bad thing. Good luck 2
No Limit Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 You sit down with your daughter and tell her not to take "need a break" ***** from her boyfriends. It's also better if she didn't trust everyone at first sight, even if her simple view of things will be gone. I'm actually surprised you'd knowingly let your daughter be with a cheater. If she demanded to stay with him anyway alright, in the end it's her decision, but not when she doesn't suspect a thing. 1
Hopeful30 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 (edited) I dont think you should say a thing. Its not your business to be snooping and definitely not your place to reveal this info. At the end of the day he did the right thing by breaking it off. Why would you wanna sabitage that? Especially when he was kind enough to let her down easy? Dont meddle. Edited May 18, 2015 by Hopeful30
jen1447 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I find the "don't tell" reasons compelling, with one caveat - what if this BF is the sort who's just going to drag her down with him into a low self esteem hell hole, some signs of which he's shown already with the musical chairs GFs? Seems like he could possibly have a greater (and more harmful) impact on her well-being than some parental meddling. I know kids need to make their own mistakes and learn, but that seems like one she should maybe be spared. 1
Mrlonelyone Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 A line from Shakespeare play Othello comes to mind. Othello has been told by a "friend" that his wife was cheating on him. After thinking and agonizing over it for a while Othello says. "It is better to be much abused than to know it but a little". Othello then cusses his friend out for having "informed" him of the cheating. (The friend is in fact lying). The line resonates because that is the way people react to that kind of news. First your daughter will think ill of you for having bore the bad news. She's right now thinking shes got back her wonderful BF when in reality he's a two timer who hasn't been honest. In the long run she will turn her anger to the right person, the cheating, lying, bastard, and eventually find herself a man with some real integrity. Long story short, tell your daughter, ride out the initial backlash, then reap the long term rewards of doing the right thing.
gaius Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I found out my sisters boyfriend was on the sex offender registry when she was that age, and I still couldn't peel her away from that dickhead. I'm guessing all you'll really do is end up straining your own relationship with her, because the vagina always rules over everything else in young women. All for what, because he flirted with another girl for a few days? Pick your battles.
CC12 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I really don't mean to offend you, but your snooping has reached the level of being creepy. You know far too much about the details of some kids' lives. You were completely out of line. He did text her just a little the next 2 days, but she only responded twice. At the end of the 2nd night he called her saying all the things he had been thinking about and that he wants to keep dating. They have been texting and sending pics nonstop all weekend, but have not tried to see each other. I hope you only know this because your daughter told you, not because you've been snooping on her. Either way, you are too involved in this and you need to butt out. Seriously, consider how much of your time you've spent snooping on teenagers and then posting about their personal business on this forum. You could have been doing something better with your time. If I tell my daughter, I fear she will always have trust issues in her life. I don't know if she'll have trust issues with men for the rest of her life, but she'll most likely have trust issues with you. You have put yourself in a ridiculous position, where if you don't divulge what you know to your daughter, you'll be withholding information that she should know. But if you do tell her, she'll know that you can and do snoop on her and her friends and that you can't be trusted to keep a healthy distance from her personal business. I mean, I guess you can take comfort in knowing that whether you tell her or not, you'll still have done the wrong thing.
Diezel Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 If you are going to say, commit to it. If you aren't, do NOT ever admit to having known... EVER, or she REALLY will have trust issues then.
todreaminblue Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 If my daughters clam up on me i tend to snoop go stealth deb mode......the only time I go stealth mode is when i need to go stealth mode such as when my second oldest daughter got into drugs, alcohol and chroming through a friendship she made.....and when my oldest daughter went off the rails recently....every other time such as boyfriend problems or whatever else i patiently wait for them to talk to me......and i stalk them quietly on facebook ..stealth mode is for risky and dangerous situations.....when i am in stealth mode and i confront them.....i have to eb both mum and dad......and i am...my second oldest daughter and my sister and my oldest daughter...dont argue with em in stealth mode.....and i am in the right...i am my girls guardian in life they cant deny it...and they have said to me when in stealth mode...and i had a conversation with my daughter not long ago.....how she told me i am a completely different person....slightly scary......boys involved with my daughters ...also get scared...so thats good.....so really my stealth mode doesnt stop my daughters talking to me....because i do let them make their own choices...... i had a dream a long time ago about my oldest daughter....that she would split up with her bf who they have a child together......she told me they were going to break up while i was standing near my chest box freeezer in my dream it felt real and i still remember the dream because it was repeated in real life.........i had that dream ages ago...they have just split up...two weeks ago.....i voiced my dream to my daughter......the day after i had it.....i voiced my concerns and told her that she needed to be true to herself..... and that is all you can do.....voice yoru concerns about the relationship.....you shouldnt have snooped on this......but whats done is done...... you are a custodian fro your girl.....you are not her mind and heart let her find out adn she will....... voice your concerns...let her know that you are there for her...this is not however a life risk situation....and life gets messy as you well know....its heartbreaking to watch your daughter or daughters go through heartbreak themselves...but what heart break does....is give them the chance to know the decisions they make are theirs and theirs alone..she will not confide in you if you break her trust and you already have.......be patient...and pray for her .......... be there fro her when her heart is broken and help her heal....as a mother we do that best...nurture and repair hearts....let her dad kick the guys ass...kidding.......my girls have gone through heartache.....a lot of it.....my job is to help them...and in risky situations keep them breathing......teach them to recover from heartbreak.....and teach them right from wrong.....you cant teach right if you are doing something wrong to teach it..........like snooping and breaking trust....she possibly wont believe you that you have only her best interest at heart..........deb ....
Gaeta Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I would find it interesting to know how many of the posters on here who said 'don't tell' are parents. As a mother of an adult daughter I would not be able to keep this kind of information to myself while my daughter is being fooled or cheated on. She may be mad at me for a long time but her well being is more important to me than anything else in life so I'd bite the dust and accept what ever treatment she'd have in store for me, I know eventually she'd come around. It sounds like you found a way to monitor her boyfriend's phone activity? 4
todreaminblue Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I would find it interesting to know how many of the posters on here who said 'don't tell' are parents. As a mother of an adult daughter I would not be able to keep this kind of information to myself while my daughter is being fooled or cheated on. She may be mad at me for a long time but her well being is more important to me than anything else in life so I'd bite the dust and accept what ever treatment she'd have in store for me, I know eventually she'd come around. It sounds like you found a way to monitor her boyfriend's phone activity? i am a single parent of five children geata.....and i feel that she should voice her concerns about the relationship in general..but then hold off on telling her daughter the graphics...there are enough signs the relationship is in trouble ......without even having to snoop ...there are enough reasons for the mum to sit with her daughter and talk about it....the op has her proof......now she needs to get her daughter to see the relationship for what it is without having to hit her over the head with it........deb......
Gaeta Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 i am a single parent of five children geata.....and i feel that she should voice her concerns about the relationship in general..but then hold off on telling her daughter the graphics...there are enough signs the relationship is in trouble ......without even having to snoop ...there are enough reasons for the mum to sit with her daughter and talk about it....the op has her proof......now she needs to get her daughter to see the relationship for what it is without having to hit her over the head with it........deb...... I understand it's the politically correct thing to do. When I was 20 I got married to a man my parents silently disapproved of. I wish they had hit me on the head with it and inject some common sense into me. Instead they let me make my own mistake, that mistake lasted 15 years. 3
todreaminblue Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I understand it's the politically correct thing to do. When I was 20 I got married to a man my parents silently disapproved of. I wish they had hit me on the head with it and inject some common sense into me. Instead they let me make my own mistake, that mistake lasted 15 years. me too gaeta....i have made many mistakes by not listening.......like you i have dated men my parents disapproved of...one was because of his skin color he was south african....the father of my three girls....my step dad had a problem with that skin.....and i got defensive and couldnt stand his ignorance......went on to have three girls i would now not have had in my life i listened to him................ but what you said there...about your parents disapproval.....and you still didnt listen...you knew how they felt.....do you honestly think you would have listened if they hit you over the head...my dad often did physically hit me over the head...saying how dumb i was etc blah blah.........i still dated the guy.........you can guide as parents you can nurture a sense of value in them and self worth..... is what i have learned...you push too far too hard....they dont listen any better.....deb...
darkmoon Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 if you act in a bossy way, no if you are tenderly watching her back, yes i did not have the luck to have a tender mother, yes luck
Gaeta Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 but what you said there...about your parents disapproval.....and you still didnt listen...you knew how they felt.....do you honestly think you would have listened if they hit you over the head... My parents disapproved in silence, they never told me they did not want me to marry him and did not tell me he was a bad choice and why. I was a very docile daughter, I would have listened to them. They told me about their disapproval when I left our marriage 15 years later. Then they said we knew he was not a good husband material for you because ABC. I married at 20 years old, he was my first boyfriend, I was naive, a virgin with no experience. They should have AT LEAST warned me instead of letting me throw myself in the wolf's mouth. When my daughter dates a jack@ss I tell her and I tell her why. 1
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