Yodaas Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Hey everyone, just wanted some advice or stories about a similar situation to mine and maybe some ways to get over it or just some opinions..I'll try to keep it short. Me and my ex girlfriend dated for 3 years. During that time she would not allow me to even say hi to another women even if it were a friend from highschool or a random McDonald's employee. She made me get rid of my cellphone for a few months and made me delete all social media while she kept hers. I was not aloud to go hangout with my friends unless they came over to our house but they were only aloud to stay a few hours. She would make me stay on the phone with her if I had to go to a gas station for anything so she could hear everything I was doing. She would get upset at me if I called her 1 minute later then I usually did after I got out of work saying stuff like you could have done a lot with a women in 1 minute. I couldn't talk to any friends over the phone if there was another women in the background either. I also was not aloud to watch TV by myself and when she would allow me to watch it with her, I would have to turn my head if a women dressed inappropriately popped up. If i didn't turn fast enough, she would get upset and just shut the TV off or leave the movie theater. I pretty much just went to work and came home because she hardly ever wanted to do anything with me. We lived with eachother by the way. Although I did all of this, she was still going out with her friends and flirting with guys online which I found out after we broke up. 2 months ago she said she wanted a break so we could both fix our issues and then get back together with a better relationship. I took that for what it was worth and hoped she would be fixing her issues. The issues I had to fix were proving to her that I could live on my own ( i'm 21 and she's 19). So I saved a bunch of money from work and found a house to move into since we were living with my mom at the time since I was the only one working. She told me not to go out still or talk to any women because she wanted to get back together so I followed her rules. A few weeks after the breakup I was so curious as to what she was doing because she would hardly ever talk to me and got mad whenever I called her to talk. I checked her instagram online and seen that while we were dating she was flirting with a bunch of guys and making plans to go see them. Then after we broke up and she told me to stay inside the house all the time I seen that she has been going out partying with different guys every other night. When I confronted her about this she got mad at me and said I have trust issues and that she can hangout with guys all she wants. When I told her I don't care if she's around guys but she told me not to be around women she said she didn't give a **** and that she was gonna start going out with someother guy that she slept with after we broke up. I blocked her number after that and since then I heard from around town that she was going around saying I used to beat the **** out of her every single day and said I would never let her leave the house and would threaten to kill her if she ever did. I wouldn't ever think about doing that to anyone..I'm the kind of guy that doesn't even want to hurt an animal. I realised that she was crazy and that she isn't right for me but for some reason even 2 months later I still think about her every day from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep at night. I'm always very depressed because I just keep having flashback to the few times she was nice to me and am only focusing on her very few positive traits like being hot while I can only focus on my negative traits. I feel like I'm going crazy because I can not stop thinking about her and how happy she is with another guy while I'm depressed all the time. I feel like the last 3 years of my life were all a lie...We talked about having kids and sharing a future together. If anyone has any kind of advice to go by...I'd greatly appreciate it. Thank you for reading and sorry for the long post.
Meli22 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 She said YOU had trust issues?! I'm sorry but... Your ex sounds RIDICULOUSLY insecure, borderline crazy. Not being able to go to a gas station without calling her? Not being able to see friends? Having to turn your head if a hot girl comes on the TV? Believe me when I say you had a VERY lucky escape. This girl would of had your balls in a vice quicker than you could say your own name. This would have gotten worse and you'd be on the track for a lifetime of misery. The more you let her get away with it, the more she pushes her luck. You don't miss this. You miss the idea of what could have been. You miss the company, not her as a person. Relax now, and look forward to meeting someone who lets you be. Oh and now you can watch TV without worrying where your eyes are going take a lesson to your next relationship - DONT let a woman put you on a lead. 1
Author Yodaas Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 Thank you for the response! and yeah watching TV has been kind of cool lol. It makes me feel better that you don't think I would have been happy forever with her and i'm starting to see that too. But why after 2 months do i still think about her every single time i wake up until I go to bed? Do you think it's going to be like this until Im in a different relationship? or does it eventually fade away
Meli22 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Thank you for the response! and yeah watching TV has been kind of cool lol. It makes me feel better that you don't think I would have been happy forever with her and i'm starting to see that too. But why after 2 months do i still think about her every single time i wake up until I go to bed? Do you think it's going to be like this until Im in a different relationship? or does it eventually fade away It's habit. And you probably do have feelings for her. I can promise you this will fade. And yes, you wouldn't have been happy in the long run. She sounds like a project somebody else can deal with.
StrangerThanFiction Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Hey everyone, just wanted some advice or stories about a similar situation to mine and maybe some ways to get over it or just some opinions..I'll try to keep it short. Me and my ex girlfriend dated for 3 years. During that time she would not allow me to even say hi to another women even if it were a friend from highschool or a random McDonald's employee. She made me get rid of my cellphone for a few months and made me delete all social media while she kept hers. I was not aloud to go hangout with my friends unless they came over to our house but they were only aloud to stay a few hours. She would make me stay on the phone with her if I had to go to a gas station for anything so she could hear everything I was doing. She would get upset at me if I called her 1 minute later then I usually did after I got out of work saying stuff like you could have done a lot with a women in 1 minute. I couldn't talk to any friends over the phone if there was another women in the background either. I also was not aloud to watch TV by myself and when she would allow me to watch it with her, I would have to turn my head if a women dressed inappropriately popped up. If i didn't turn fast enough, she would get upset and just shut the TV off or leave the movie theater. I pretty much just went to work and came home because she hardly ever wanted to do anything with me. We lived with eachother by the way. Although I did all of this, she was still going out with her friends and flirting with guys online which I found out after we broke up. 2 months ago she said she wanted a break so we could both fix our issues and then get back together with a better relationship. I took that for what it was worth and hoped she would be fixing her issues. The issues I had to fix were proving to her that I could live on my own ( i'm 21 and she's 19). So I saved a bunch of money from work and found a house to move into since we were living with my mom at the time since I was the only one working. She told me not to go out still or talk to any women because she wanted to get back together so I followed her rules. A few weeks after the breakup I was so curious as to what she was doing because she would hardly ever talk to me and got mad whenever I called her to talk. I checked her instagram online and seen that while we were dating she was flirting with a bunch of guys and making plans to go see them. Then after we broke up and she told me to stay inside the house all the time I seen that she has been going out partying with different guys every other night. When I confronted her about this she got mad at me and said I have trust issues and that she can hangout with guys all she wants. When I told her I don't care if she's around guys but she told me not to be around women she said she didn't give a **** and that she was gonna start going out with someother guy that she slept with after we broke up. I blocked her number after that and since then I heard from around town that she was going around saying I used to beat the **** out of her every single day and said I would never let her leave the house and would threaten to kill her if she ever did. I wouldn't ever think about doing that to anyone..I'm the kind of guy that doesn't even want to hurt an animal. I realised that she was crazy and that she isn't right for me but for some reason even 2 months later I still think about her every day from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep at night. I'm always very depressed because I just keep having flashback to the few times she was nice to me and am only focusing on her very few positive traits like being hot while I can only focus on my negative traits. I feel like I'm going crazy because I can not stop thinking about her and how happy she is with another guy while I'm depressed all the time. I feel like the last 3 years of my life were all a lie...We talked about having kids and sharing a future together. If anyone has any kind of advice to go by...I'd greatly appreciate it. Thank you for reading and sorry for the long post. Aw man, what a nightmare that must have been for you! She was insanely controlling and believe me when I say that you dodged a bullet. Scratch that, you dodged a freaking nuclear bomb. You're not crazy for thinking about her all the time. She seriously got into your head and kicked over your furniture and the pain of that and her blatant disregard for your feelings is going to hurt for awhile. She was a selfish, unstable, narcissist who obviously is only out for her own gains and you are so much better off now that she's latched on to some other poor guy like a deer tick. I know that's gotta hurt and it's totally natural to feel that way after the time you guys spent together, but now you can live your life the way you want to without having to walk on eggshells. I also don't believe it really is her that you miss but the familiarity of a 3 year relationship. Read back over your post and really think if that's the way you would want to spend the rest of your life with this woman. You seem like a really sweet, nice person and there are tons of really sweet, nice girls out there that would love to be with someone like you and would treat you like you deserve to be treated. Don't let this chick get back in your headspace because there's a distinct possibility that when her new relationship goes down the toilet she'll try to get back into your life. Block her from everything and NC, NC, NC! 1
Author Yodaas Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 Yeah I definitely know I still have feelings for her, I just don't get why I still do after all that I gave up for her and then she did all of that for me. I thought all of my feelings would have just gone away after a short period of time. Have you gone through a breakup where it took a while to get over or knew anyone that had this issue?
Meli22 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Yeah I definitely know I still have feelings for her, I just don't get why I still do after all that I gave up for her and then she did all of that for me. I thought all of my feelings would have just gone away after a short period of time. Have you gone through a breakup where it took a while to get over or knew anyone that had this issue? Going through one now. My ex was quite controlling too and would accuse me of ridiculous things. Although not on the same scale as your ex. Feelings aren't logical. You get people who suffer physical abuse for years on end and still love their partners. If it was as simple as not loving someone anymore because of how they treated us, we'd all get over break ups in a second. She was a big part of your life and deep down you wish things could have worked out and wish that she hadn't of been so controlling. That's normal. But trust me, these feelings will subside. Usually the relationships that have been the most controlling do take a while to get over because emotional damage has been caused. But they're the ones that we have luckily escaped, and also the ones we can look back on and learn what we deserve and respect ourselves for being the better one.
StrangerThanFiction Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Yeah I definitely know I still have feelings for her, I just don't get why I still do after all that I gave up for her and then she did all of that for me. I thought all of my feelings would have just gone away after a short period of time. Have you gone through a breakup where it took a while to get over or knew anyone that had this issue? What I've found is that the ones that take everything we give them and then trample all over it are the hardest to get over. You wonder why you weren't good enough for them to treat you well and really messes with your self esteem. It's totally normal for it to take some time to get over. You have to understand that it wasn't an issue with you but an issue with her. I'm actually going through a breakup right now where the guy I was with physically hurt me, cheated on me, stole from me, and lied to me endlessly. At first I wondered why after we broke up I was still sad and missed him even after everything he had done to me but then I realized it was because I had allowed him to treat me that way and make me feel like it was all I deserved. Nobody deserves to be treated the way you and I were treated and once you can really see that I'm sure you'll start to feel better. Know that you're a good a person and are worth so so so much more than the crap she handed you.
Author Yodaas Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 Thank you for the response fiction! I thought i might have just missed the relationship because not talking to someone all day is really uncomfortable to me
Author Yodaas Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 I'm sorry both of you are going through this kind of ****, it really sucks but your responses do make a lot of sense and i appreciate them so much! Being alone is the hardest part to get over 1
StrangerThanFiction Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Thank you for the response fiction! I thought i might have just missed the relationship because not talking to someone all day is really uncomfortable to me I can totally understand that! That probably is a big part of it. Do you have friends you can talk to instead?
Author Yodaas Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 Yes and it helps when i'm talking to friends but a huge issue is i work full time and my job doesn't really require a lot of thought to it so for 8 hours a day i'm alone with my thoughts which is where it's hardest. Im moving to a different town 40 minutes away in a few months so i'm trying to rough it out until then but I would like some way to make it easier while i'm still here. Do you think dating someone right now would be a good thing? or waiting a while until i get completely over her on my own?
StrangerThanFiction Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Yes and it helps when i'm talking to friends but a huge issue is i work full time and my job doesn't really require a lot of thought to it so for 8 hours a day i'm alone with my thoughts which is where it's hardest. Im moving to a different town 40 minutes away in a few months so i'm trying to rough it out until then but I would like some way to make it easier while i'm still here. Do you think dating someone right now would be a good thing? or waiting a while until i get completely over her on my own? I'm right with you, there. I work 12 hour shifts and they seem to drag on and on when I can't keep my mind occupied or distract myself. If you can, when you start thinking about her try to think about something else. Think about your move to a new town. Think about all the things you can do now that she isn't controlling everything. Think about the things you want to do with your life and future. I'm not saying to not think about the situation at all because repressing the emotions that that brings isn't healthy either, but you're allowed to be happy (or at least not miserable all the time) too. Moving to a new place is a good thing. A change of scenery can make a big difference by helping you to see things in a different light and giving you a fresh perspective. If you find yourself getting sad or getting anxiety focus on your breathing. Take deep, full breaths. For me personally when I'm going through heartbreak I've noticed that I breathe really shallowly and that doesn't help. Deep breaths will calm you down and help loosen the tightness in your chest. It also helps to keep you in the moment instead of wallowing in the past. I hope I've been able to help you at least a little bit You're going to be okay.
Ganz7 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 (edited) Hi Yodaas 3 years is short enough and long enough that feelings will be at their strongest. It brings a wry smile on my face as your account of your ex rings a lot of similarities with my ex. My ex was 24 when we first moved in together and was quite insecure but being the older partner I accepted that fact. However, whenever we walked down the street and I saw a woman in a short skirt and heels walking up the street I had to stare at my feet otherwise she would ask why I was looking at other women. It was the same about watching TV and if I was on the internet she would suddenly burst into the living room thinking i was looking at porn or on a dating website which of course I wasn't. Lol! I remember one summer, it was so warm that I was sitting in the chair, on the net, with not a stitch of clothes on when she burst in.. It looked bad but honest guv, I was on eBay! Moral of the story: have some standards and don't get too comfortable at home or it will be used against you. Interestingly, a few years ago I put a key logger on my PC and found her on a dating site and chatting to blokes on Facebook. It was the same even with chatting to women or if she saw I had some old photos where there were women in them she would throw a wobbly. If I said good morning to a checkout girl or a girl would smile at me my ex would say why is she smiling? Do you know each other? Looking back it was ridiculous and was the cause of a lot of our early arguments. I accept this at 24 years of age but my ex was still doing this at 30 and beyond! Getting over it.. well, after 7.5 months after my breakup I have been NC for the last 7 months. NC really does help. No emails, texts or anything. Don't do Facebook either as it will only hurt you more. Also moving out. I have remained in the same place but it's not the same. What also really helped me though was talking to friends and coming here talking to and reading other people's experiences. Get a good couple of friends (preferably slightly older with some experience) who will support you. Parents and family are good too. I also had friends who knew about the break up but whose character are so good they never engaged me on the subject which I found frustrating at times as I really wanted to talk about it and still do. Even now after 7 months I still need the occasional good advice from a friend that will help me get through the day. It's hard but like a bad winter it ain't going to last forever. Just bolt down the hatches and weather the storm. You're young enough to have at least two or three more serious relationships come your way. The secret is to learn what you can about yourself from this one. Certainly I had opportunities to meet other women (not to cheat) but as I remained faithful to the relationship I couldn't pursue these other women who may have turned out to be really good. I was in a relationship where I let my standards drop because I was in love with her. Big mistake. Have borders and if your future partner goes outside of these then you can explain what you're willing to accept as behavior. Don't let love blind you from setting borders and standards. Looking back when I found my ex on a dating site I should have blown her out but didn't because I forgave. Edited May 18, 2015 by Ganz7
Author Yodaas Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 I will try to do that! and yes you did help! just talking about it and getting someone else's perspective on it really helps a lot, thank you so much for taking the time of your day to help out! I really appreciate it and I hope all goes good for you in your situation!
Author Yodaas Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 Wow that sounds 100% like my relationship was lol. So after 7 months would you say that you're still depressed? Or it just comes up in your head from time to time?
Meli22 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 You see, I honestly believe that part of the reason that some people are so insecure and accuse others of such things is because they see that trait so readily in themselves. My ex used to accuse me of checking out other guys all the time. During a 2 week holiday we had about 7 different arguments over me supposedly looking at someone. I honestly don't recall half of the guys he accused me of taking an interest to. I got hell for glancing at a man who was apparently walking in front of us, with his back to us! Anyway.. It used to drive me crazy. But it wouldn't surprise me if my ex was looking at girls himself, which is why he thought I must be too. He went as far as to say that I'm just like everyone else, so I must be ogling... It caused so many arguments during our relationship and the way he went about it actually made me believe I was a terrible person. Also, people who have cheated in the past you'll find will often accuse their partners of that too. They think "I did it, if I'm capable then surely they are too?" My ex did accuse me of cheating too, not on him but on my other ex. For no reason too, just in passing conversation. very frustrating.
Author Yodaas Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 I completely agree! My ex would always accuse me of the same things so I made sure just to keep my head down in public. Then it turned out she was the one the was flirting with guys behind my back and going to their houses late at night. Pretty sure next time we find someone, we need to pay attention if they accuse us of these things because that seems to be a huge red flag lol 1
Meli22 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I agree. The sick thing is I actually believed at some point that I must have been. I thought... He wouldn't just make it up, I must be doing it. It was only during our two weeks away that I saw a different side to him and realised I wasn't doing anything. The arguments would last for days and he would twist and word things in ways to try and catch me out and get me to apologise. It was ridiculous. At the time I didnt see it. I've been so angry since the break up and I think it's a build up of frustration that has been slowly bubbling throughout most of the relationship. And his reasons for his feelings changing was all because of me too. That's another frustrating thing, he would continuously blame me and then blame himself. He can't accept responsibility at all, he is never wrong. He couldn't just say "look I feel different, I'm sorry" it was ... "I feel different and it must be your fault." And if I ever felt down because of him pushing me away, I was "negative." He could never just console me. Better yet, he could never just have the balls to end it! We are better off without that.
Author Yodaas Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 My god what you just said is exactly how my situation was! I agree we both can do way better without people like that in our lives. Sometimes feeling loved and wanted by someone else takes over better judgment i suppose.
Meli22 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 We do, especially when they push us away. The good old push-pull dynamic. My ex would push me away and said he didn't feel the same, but still accuse me of stupid things. It's a control thing I think.
Author Yodaas Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 Completely a control thing. I'm trying to convince myself that this is not how relationships are supposed to be but this girl was my first real girlfriend and also the person i lost my virginity to so I still feel really attached. I just really hope that there's normal people out there for me
Meli22 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 Completely a control thing. I'm trying to convince myself that this is not how relationships are supposed to be but this girl was my first real girlfriend and also the person i lost my virginity to so I still feel really attached. I just really hope that there's normal people out there for me There is you will detach soon
Meli22 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 Somebody made a good post on here the other day in regards to emotional abuse and why it takes much longer to get over that compared to a normal break up. Because we sacrificed so much and never felt "good enough," despite changing ourselves to accommodate the other persons needs. Therefore when they decide we aren't enough or whatever, we become so hurt and angry because again, we changed ourselves and it still wasn't enough for them. My ex felt something was missing towards the end of our relationship, hence the break up. Even though it was me who ended it, just because I'd had enough of feeling like I meant nothing. He couldn't understand why he felt like this either, but he told me he basically had no motivation left for me or our relationship. But he didn't want to break up. I felt like a donkey with a carrot! Everything I did to try and spice things up again never worked and I was trying so hard to salvage our relationship whilst he did nothing. Anyway, it's a horrible feeling of not feeling good enough. Nothing changed for his physical attraction to fade; I worked out everyday, I took real good care of myself, always did my hair/make up and made an effort for him. I even saw a message he'd wrote to his friend about not feeling as attracted to me anymore, but putting it down to his anxiety (this was only 6 months in! I was crushed but somehow forgot about that when he came out of one of his lulls). It takes us longer to get over this sort of break up because we sacrificed so much for them and yet it still wasn't enough. My ex even went as far as to say he thought he had made me a better person and that he believes he gets out with people for this reason; to make them better. He always was a little arrogant The attachment feeling is normal, because of the reasons I've mentioned. They still have us under their "spell." I don't feel loving feelings for my ex anymore. I think about him all the time and feel pangs of pain and anger, but not love. He's done enough to diminish that.
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