PEARSON12 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Hey guys, this is my first post on here, although I have been following this forum for a while now for relationship advice and breakup advice. On May 5, 2010, after a month or 2 of seeing a girl I really liked, I made her my girlfriend. Fast forward to this May 5, and I spent the day that was supposed to be our 5 year anniversary, on my own. Here is my story. PS: I'm 25 about to be 26, she's 23 about to be 24. In the beginning, everything was great, just like every relationship starts out. Her dad has his own business and gave me a job with him, and he is probably my best friend now after all these years, along with her younger brother as well. After about a year or so, we started having dumb little fights here and there, nothing severe. This continued every once in a while up until August of 2013, when my girlfriend said that she thinks it would be good if we took a break, to become better individuals. I fought it like a fool and acted like a sorry desperate loser, and she eventually said okay now we are just breaking up. A month and a half passes, and she comes back begging me to take her back because she made a huge mistake. After a week or so of thinking about it, I took her back. Everything from that point on was great. No fights, no dumb arguments, we finally matured it seemed like. It was really great, and we were really happy. We didn't see each other everyday like we used to because of work and school (key topics coming up in the next couple paragraphs). We were hanging out 3-4 times a week, which is okay because we were working towards our future. Flash forward to Valentine's Day this year. I believe it was 2/14/15. I surprised her and took her to the city to the museum that we went on one of our first dates to. We went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York. We had a perfect night and it was so great to almost rekindle that romantic love we had from the beginning. She was so happy and even gave me a card, which I will post some quotes from. She said in the card : "This card is simple, but it says it all. I want to be with you through whatever life throws our way. And through it all, I will love you. You're my best friend I hope you know that. The reason I want you, and love you, is because I feel that we have the same view of the world and life. We have the same vision for a future, plus you're pretty cute =). I can trust you, you're a hard worker and a real man. I can't picture my life without you, and I don't want to." Then she posted at the end, "Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, with open arms and open eyes" Fast forward to march I got a new job, working for a great company with full benefits, union, 401k, etc. We were set. We kept talking so much about marriage and what not, which we always had, but now it was finally becoming a possibility. She said so much to be that made me see how much she loved me, and it just reassured that she was the one. I was planning proposing within the next year. After almost a month at the new job, she came over one night when I worked late, and told me the worst news I could here. She told me it was over. She said "Rob, we're not in love anymore. We are not happy people. I feel like you're holding me back." I couldn't get too much out of here, as she immediately became the most cold and distant person. She deleted me from everything, and right away I kept seeing her friends info popup on social media, and she was out partying. This is a girl who's father was an alcoholic, and she despised alcohol. Now she is out partying all the time. What threw me all off about this was all this time, we were waiting for me to get a great job, so we could have security, money, and a family. She works with the school newspaper, and actually got an internship with The Home News Tribune. We are both on the best path possible to have an amazing future. My question to you guys, is do you think she left because of the "Grass is Greener" theory? Or could it be another guy, or did a switch just flick off? I can't figure it out. She is so cold, and I have been no contact since right after. This time I didn't beg her or anything. All I told her was that I loved her, and I'm sorry things had to end, because I intended to give her everything she ever wanted. Then I disappeared. Can someone give me advice on how to cope with zero closure like this. No true reason as to why we broke up literally overnight. One day she was saying I love you and all, and the next she left me. WTF?? Thanks guys, sorry if that was long.
lukekarts Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Unfortunately I had a very similar thing happen a couple of years ago... albeit almost 10 years into a relationship and we'd just moved in together. She loved me, wasn't in love with me, needed to find herself etc. I have no idea what happened. She went hostile immediately. I will never get answers. I'm not best with the advice, but follow advice from others here. You will quickly need to accept you won't get answers, GIGS is the 'most likely' scenario but not the only scenario. Spend time with friends, family, work on getting your life back on track and do things for yourself. Let yourself experience the emotions you will express, don't hold them back, but channel them. Feel really sorry for you, as it is really, really hard, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Meli22 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Closure will come in time. I don't believe in closure because sometimes no matter what they say, it isn't enough for us. There could be a million reasons - maybe she got cold feet, maybe she got tired of small arguments, maybe she felt like she wanted to explore what else was out there, maybe she expected too much. Who knows. She may not even know herself. What's important to realise is that YOU deserve more. You deserve someone who is sure about you and who is also on the same page. You will start to create your own closure soon enough. I had to do the same. My exes feelings just changed and I didn't know why, neither did he. But from what I knew of him, he wanted the perfect rship and is looking for something that may not exist. That's enough closure for me. And you will find your own too in time
Author PEARSON12 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 Appreciate the replies guys. It's been over a month now and things are way better than the beginning, but I still think everyday about what I thought could have been. I know I can't sit around and hope for reconciliation.. I just get nervous that I won't find somebody else. She really was the love of my life, but she flicked a switch and I dislike the person she is now. I guess we'll see what happens. Thanks again!
SLee Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 First off, I'm sorry you're going through this pain. It could be a GIGS thing, even though I don't like using umbrella terms for things like this. She's pretty young (I'm in my early 20s and see this thing in my group of other early 20s people all the time.) and she probably saw her friends going out and having fun and not "tied down" (I hate that term) by a relationship. It's also possible she got freaked out by how serious things were getting. It's really easy when you're not ready for a marriage or engagement to talk about it and plan a wonderful future, but when you're finally in a position to take that step, it sometimes happens that, to use a turn of phrase, "s*** becomes real" and people get scared. It's possible it's another guy, but I obviously don't know you/her or the situation. Whatever the reasons were, it's best to accept that you won't get closure or answers to things. I sought after answers with my ex, because I just plain didn't understand his logic. When I did I either got answers that hurt more or I didn't get any answers at all. It made everything worse. For the most part, it's unhelpful or pointless. Generally, switches don't just flip in long term relationships like this. This was probably something on her mind for a while. It was on my ex's mind for a while and then (it's a long story so I won't get into it) he was detached enough from me and found a catalyst that allowed him to pull the trigger. I was left completely blindsided and in shock. I noticed no change accept for like the week or so before the break up. As for coping, know that everyone has their own timeline. Allow yourself to grieve and wallow when you need to. The best thing to do is to focus on your awesome new job and build the life that YOU want that YOU'RE proud of. Meet new people, not as romantic partners even, just people in general and go out with friends and stuff. Being where people are is a huge help because it reminds you that there is a world outside of the ex. Channel your negative feelings into positive activities. A hobby, or a new book, or working out, anything like that. It does wonders. And know that you'll have good hours and bad hours. You may be doing great for a while and then suffer a set back, and that's okay. Healing often isn't linear. It goes back and forth like that. Vent your feelings to your friends and family. Make lists of things that you didn't like about the relationship/ex. Did she handle arguments in an immature way? Did she have an annoying habit? Did she listen to music you hated? Anything and everything you can think of, even it's petty and dumb. It's for you. You knew her long enough where something about her must have bothered you. Coping is hard work and it takes a lot of time, but you're doing the right stuff. Keep on your direction and you'll find your way. 1
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