PuzzledBF Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Hello everyone. This is a problem I've been trying to resolve for years without much success. At this point, I'm both very puzzled and very concerned, so any help at all would be well appreciated. The post may be a bit long, since the problem has been very perplexing to me, and I will try to include as many relevant details as possible. ~~ Summary ~~ Too make a long story short, my girlfriend of nearly 3 years cries almost every time she is with me. All attempts by me so far to either ask her for why this happens or try and figure out why this happens have yielded no results. ~~ Details ~~ Every night my girlfriend sleeps over at my place (usually a few times a week), she will suddenly start crying. Circumstantial Details: - This typically occurs only when we are in bed together. That is, if she arrives and we cook dinner, she's fine. If we are eating, she's fine. If we go out shopping, she's fine. But the moment she comes in contact with my bed and with me in her presence, she will start tearing up and crying. - This problem worsens if I say anything remotely comforting to her. For example, if I tell her "I love you", it will make it worse. If I tell her "Don't worry, just cry it out, I don't mind at all", it will make it worse. - This problem can be triggered if I say anything to her that expresses how much I love her. - This problem frequently occurs if there are any signs whatsoever of me being upset with anything she may have done. - She is on birth control. Personality Details: - She is very sensitive. Any sign of me being upset may upset her. However, this has gotten worse recently. Last week, she made plans with me and more or less canceled while with me. When I told her that I was a little upset (I didn't raise my voice, or yell at all), she began crying. Historical Details: - When we lived in college dormitories, sometimes I would visit her room and would be able to visibly see that she had been crying. At the time, her explanation was "don't worry, sometimes I just cry". - This issue has gotten significantly worse recently. Prior to the last week, there would at least be some nights where she would not cry with me. However, as of last week, she cried every time she came over. - We have been dating for nearly 3 years. Within those 3 years, we only had 3-4 significant relationship conflicts. - At one point, two of her sorority sisters spent some time trying to convince her to break up with me. She subsequently came over to my place and was crying. - a few weeks ago, she initiated a 6 week break telling me that she felt that she was defined by me and needed to try and "find herself". However, she cut it short after 3 weeks and told me she wanted to see me again. - According to her, this has never happened with previous boyfriends. Familial Details: - Her younger sister also appears somewhat prone to this problem. She visited us once, and while alone with me and reading a book, suddenly started crying. I was caught completely off guard. However, the book was apparently a sad one. Other Details: - The vast majority of my friends are female. She is often visibly upset when any of my female friends visit me. - I have never cheated on her. - I have never suggested breaking up. - She has suggested breaking up several times (usually immediately after a conflict). - I do not get along with two of her sorority sisters, who have repeatedly tried to convince her to break up with me. One of the two also very frequently experiences serious relationship problems and often vents to her. Personally, the largest point here that I cannot seem to understand is why she cries when I comfort her or express any affectionate feelings for her. Again, any help would be appreciated.
mr_dave Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Do you keep a bowl of raw, freshly chopped onions by your bed? Sorry, not very helpful, it is puzzling!
darkmoon Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 the vast majority of your friends are female, if you discuss her with them, or enthuse over them, or if one fancies you, yes, she might get emotional am one of those sensitive types, we see other types as not sensitive enough but you are a bit light on detail ... apart from "i love you" what are the thing/s you say just the moment before she cries, the very moment
mr_dave Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Maybe it's guilty crying, is it possible she has been cheating on you? If her friends encourage her to break up with you, what is the reason for that?
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Some people do cry when they are happy... I have a strange thing where if I sing I cry have no idea why this happens but it does & I'm honestly not upset so maybe it is just something that happens to her but I do understand it is concerning to see someone u care about crying x
ExpatInItaly Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 This is very odd. I also wonder if she's not been so faithful to you and cries out of guilt. Or perhaps she's fallen out of love and feels guilty for that reason. Or, something traumatic may have happened to her and she's holding it in but being in bed with you triggers something. In any case, it's not fair to you to be kept in the dark completely and wondering what the heck is going on. Something is on her mind, without a doubt. Why have her friends tried to convince her to break up with you?
carhill Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Could be hormonal/brain chemistry since it's been going on for the entirety of your relationship Could be psychological, related to attachment style Could be situational/behavioral, as response to feelings having nothing to do with your interactions. Is she open to exploring the why's and working through this with you? If her repetitive crying impels feelings in yourself, as example distresses you, you can share that with her and request working through it together. Since you're both young, apparently, if you find this pervasive and debilitating and she doesn't appear to want to work on it with you, move on to others more compatible. That might seem shocking as a young person but life is transitory and you'll know and love and be loved many times in life. That dynamic takes two on the same page.
Author PuzzledBF Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 (edited) the vast majority of your friends are female, if you discuss her with them, or enthuse over them, or if one fancies you, yes, she might get emotional am one of those sensitive types, we see other types as not sensitive enough but you are a bit light on detail ... apart from "i love you" what are the thing/s you say just the moment before she cries, the very moment I try to mention my female friends as infrequently as possible, and to my knowledge, none of them fancy me. In fact, all but one of them are currently dating another individual, and the one who isn't is technically dating someone but is on a break. In the most recent instance, she got on the bed, and then started crying with no identifiable cause whatsoever. I had not actually said anything at that point besides "Okay, I finished brushing my teeth". She unsuccessfully tried to hide it, and I told her that I knew she was crying. She apologized to me and said "sorry you have to deal with such a crazy girlfriend". I said "Don't worry, it's perfectly fine. I'm here with you so cry it out as much as you need to". That instantly made the crying MUCH worse. In the case before that, I had just turned the lights out, and I told her something along the lines of "I'm really happy when you sleep over, since I really like waking up next to you". She subsequently started crying. Maybe it's guilty crying, is it possible she has been cheating on you? If her friends encourage her to break up with you, what is the reason for that? I would suspect that there is almost no chance whatsoever that she is cheating on me. She uses iMessage, and has the application that displays texts on her computer. She very frequently requests that I come over to look at messages that she received from other people, and has also given me free reign to scroll through those messages, so I would think that she is really hiding nothing in that respect. With regards to her friends, one of them is her friend, sorority sister, and one of two roommates. The other is her sorority sister, but they very frequently argue, and she seems upset at her often, so I'm not sure that I would consider them "friends" per say. To the best of my knowledge, her friend/roommate tells her that she could do better and that I'm weird. Additionally, her friend/roommate very frequently has relationship problems of her own (every week or so), and is very upset when my girlfriend is not available to vent to or go out with because she is with me (this was told to me by my girlfriend). Edited May 17, 2015 by PuzzledBF
darkmoon Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 (edited) look, have never met her, but i think for reasons of her own, she might dread the sex, you brushed your teeth, bed time, tears, dfuq? she owes you an explanation, this is only reasonable perhaps you could start "sobbing" for mysterious reasons, the relationship needs a shake-up Edited May 17, 2015 by darkmoon
Author PuzzledBF Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 Why have her friends tried to convince her to break up with you? If her friends encourage her to break up with you, what is the reason for that? I realized I forgot to include the second sorority sister's reasons for encouraging the break up in the previous post, and then was not able to edit it. Here's the reason for the second of the two individuals encouraging her to break up with me: Her other sorority sister has strong feminist beliefs and does not believe I respect my girlfriend because she saw a text that I sent about half a year ago. My girlfriend was on a trip to Paris, and told me that she was going to gain 40 pounds because of the food there. I responded by telling her that I'd be perfectly fine letting her gain weight until she reached 160 pounds (she weighs approx. 120). My intention was to let her know that I wouldn't care if she gained 40 pounds, and she understood it that way. However, her sorority sister saw the message interpreted as "he doesn't respect you because he's putting a weight limit on you" and immediately confronted me, at which point I argued and told her she was being ridiculous. She has disliked me since then.
losangelena Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 The sorority sister, even if she's annoying, is probably not the reason for her crying. She does owe you an explanation. If I were you, I would stop telling her it's okay that she cries, because clearly you have an issue with it as you're posting about it here. At a certain point, this will need to be directly addressed, and you're not doing yourself any favors by acting like you're fine with it. 1
katiegrl Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 (edited) Okay here goes. I am a crier too...not as much as your gf, but I have a tendency to cry for apparently no reason. My bf knows this about me and here is what he does, which has helped tremendously. Whenever I start to cry (out of the blue for no good reason), he doesn't make a huge deal of it and may in fact turn it into something funny! After which suddenly my tears turn to laughter....which leaves me simultaneously laughing and crying, and the whole thing just becomes hilarious! For both of us! Unless of course there is a legit reason for my crying, and if that's the case he will empathize and try to comfort me. I do the same for him. I cry because I am very emotional, and the bed signifies intimacy and closeness between us, which results in me feeling emotional and crying. I am not crying because I am sad or upset. It's emotional crying. Hope that helped! :bunny: Edited May 17, 2015 by katiegrl 1
spiderowl Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 (edited) It sounds like she's a very anxious and possibly depressed person who holds it all in until she's in an intimate safe place (with you), then the slightest thing triggers the release of emotion. I can see how this must be very wearing for you and it's unfair. She can't expect you to continue to put up with this. Your girlfriend needs to seek counselling or something to find out why she's like this. Have you asked her why she keeps crying whenever she's with you? Another thing crossed my mind. I don't know where she lives normally, when not with you, but could she be being abused or mistreated where she is living? It could be she is scared to tell you and just ends up crying. Whatever the reason, she needs to be with a trained counsellor to try to work through what is happening to her. Edited May 17, 2015 by spiderowl 3
katiegrl Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 It sounds like she's a very anxious and possibly depressed person who holds it all in until she's in an intimate safe place (with you), then the slightest thing triggers the release of emotion. I can see how this must be very wearing for you and it's unfair. She can't expect you to continue to put up with this. Your girlfriend needs to seek counselling or something to find out why she's like this. Have you asked her why she keeps crying whenever she's with you? Oh please, she doesn't need counseling... read my post above yours. It's emotional crying, and it's not a big deal and he should stop making it one. When she starts crying for no apparent reason, and says thing like "don't know why you put up with such a crazy girlfriend," he could say jokingly..."well yeah you are a bit crazy sometimes...lol....but then again so am I so we're even"!! It will make her laugh and diffuse the situation. Like I said, it's emotional crying, doesn't mean we're sad or upset. At least that's how it is for me and I am a huge crier. Gets better with age though. It used to be worse. From what the OP has written, sounds like it's the same for his gf. Ironically, when something tragic or sad happens that would warrant/justify my crying, I am a pillar of strength... Go figure...
katiegrl Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 From Psychotherapy Networker, May 18, 2012: >>"Tears are most easily triggered in response to a friendly gesture, a sympathetic voice, a familiar face and other signs of safety. By contrast, we almost never cry at the height of a crisis, in the presence of enemies, or periods of unrelieved sadness".<<
katiegrl Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 It sounds like she's a very anxious and possibly depressed person who holds it all in until she's in an intimate safe place (with you), then the slightest thing triggers the release of emotion. I can see how this must be very wearing for you and it's unfair. She can't expect you to continue to put up with this. Your girlfriend needs to seek counselling or something to find out why she's like this. ***Have you asked her why she keeps crying whenever she's with you?*** Another thing crossed my mind. I don't know where she lives normally, when not with you, but could she be being abused or mistreated where she is living? It could be she is scared to tell you and just ends up crying. Whatever the reason, she needs to be with a trained counsellor to try to work through what is happening to her. Actually, the OP said it does NOT always happen whenever they are together..he said she is fine most of the time. It happens when they get into bed. You may be right though, it could possibly be deeper than how it is for me, and for that reason, therapy could be beneficial....just to be sure.
La.Primavera Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 It sounds like it is triggered by going to bed with you which makes me think there is more to this than meets the eye. Offer to listen to her without judgement if she wants to talk about it.
carhill Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 OP, tip from someone who was married to an abuse/rape victim; while remaining steadfast in your care and love, avoid becoming her therapist. There are professionals for that. Regardless of the impetus of her behavior, when engaging, focus on resolving its impact on the relationship; her personal issues are between her and her therapist or spiritual adviser. You're the boyfriend.
katiegrl Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 **It sounds like it is triggered by going to bed with you*** .... which makes me think there is more to this than meets the eye. Offer to listen to her without judgement if she wants to talk about it. Which begs the question, how is she during sex? Does she cry during or after sex? How IS the sex? Is she open, engaging, receptive? Or cold and unresponsive? I think we need more info..... 1
Author PuzzledBF Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 Okay here goes. I am a crier too...not as much as your gf, but I have a tendency to cry for apparently no reason. My bf knows this about me and here is what he does, which has helped tremendously. Whenever I start to cry (out of the blue for no good reason), he doesn't make a huge deal of it and may in fact turn it into something funny! After which suddenly my tears turn to laughter....which leaves me simultaneously laughing and crying, and the whole thing just becomes hilarious! For both of us! Unless of course there is a legit reason for my crying, and if that's the case he will empathize and try to comfort me. I do the same for him. I cry because I am very emotional, and the bed signifies intimacy and closeness between us, which results in me feeling emotional and crying. I am not crying because I am sad or upset. It's emotional crying. Hope that helped! :bunny: It's very nice to get a response from someone who personally experiences a similar problem. If you don't mind me asking, are there any circumstances that trigger crying slightly more often? I ask this because I'm concerned about the fact that she has told me this did not occur with any boyfriends prior to me. In many instances, I've asked her if it's anything I've done, and in a rare few of those (1-2 in total) it actually was something I said or did during the day. However, there are typically signs that she may have been unhappy with me before that, so usually I at least know that it's a possibility. I wouldn't be nearly as concerned if it really were just completely random, but from what I've experienced, it relates to being with me in some way that I just can't seem to grasp (i.e. She has to physically be with me, and physically be in bed). It sounds like she's a very anxious and possibly depressed person who holds it all in until she's in an intimate safe place (with you), then the slightest thing triggers the release of emotion. I can see how this must be very wearing for you and it's unfair. She can't expect you to continue to put up with this. Your girlfriend needs to seek counselling or something to find out why she's like this. Have you asked her why she keeps crying whenever she's with you? Another thing crossed my mind. I don't know where she lives normally, when not with you, but could she be being abused or mistreated where she is living? It could be she is scared to tell you and just ends up crying. Whatever the reason, she needs to be with a trained counsellor to try to work through what is happening to her. I've asked her and I've very rarely received an actual reason. In the few circumstances in which she's given me a reason, she elaborates fairly well. In the few cases in which I've had a direct part in making her upset, I usually know beforehand that I may have made her upset, and can ask her directly about whether or not that was the cause. In the vast majority of cases, she just tells me "It's okay, remember, I cry all the time for no reason", or "I don't know". She presently lives with two of her sorority sisters/friends in an apartment, both of whom I'm acquainted with. One of them unloads a significant amount of emotional distress on her very frequently, and the other is perfectly normal and more or less harmless. I've met her immediate family members. They were all very open and welcoming people. In the very few instances in which she had issues related to her family, she told me exactly what it was, so I don't think it's that. Which begs the question, how is she during sex? Does she cry during or after sex? How IS the sex? Is she open, engaging, receptive? Or cold and unresponsive? I think we need more info..... Typically we won't have sex on a night she's crying, and will either do it the next morning or some other time. She's very engaging during sex, and there has never been an instance in which she has begun crying in the middle of sex, or shown any signs of being upset.
Author PuzzledBF Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 From Psychotherapy Networker, May 18, 2012: >>"Tears are most easily triggered in response to a friendly gesture, a sympathetic voice, a familiar face and other signs of safety. By contrast, we almost never cry at the height of a crisis, in the presence of enemies, or periods of unrelieved sadness".<< This is actually VERY helpful and gets my hopes up that it could just be it. Again, if you don't mind me asking, do you personally agree with the statement? For example, is it easier for you to cry when you're with your boyfriend than when you're with your friends, running errands, etc.?
Downtown Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Puzzled, I agree with everything Katiegrl and Carhill said above. Specifically, I agree with Katiegrl that the most likely explanation is emotional crying. And I agree with Carhill that the most likely reason you are seeing such emotional crying "over nothing at all" is a hormonal issue, which Carhill puts first in his list of three possibilities (post #8). It is very common to see this hormone-induced emotional crying -- for no apparent reason -- in young teenage girls going through puberty and women going through pregnancy, postpartum, or perimenopause. During those life stages, the hormones can change greatly. What is less common is to see it happening to a young woman in her twenties who is not pregnant. But it still happens to many people in that age group. My sister and I, for example, are like Katiegrl in that we were always prone to crying very easily, as would occur during sad movies. The hormones in some of us are set at such a level that we are very easily triggered into emotional crying at little provocation. With me, this hormone change occurred in my early twenties because that's when I first started crying at sad movies. Hence, if my experience is any guide, the reason that you were the first BF to trigger such crying is that she recently experienced a hormone change. As it happened, when my sister and I became much older, we both developed a slight nervous eyelid twitch that was easily treated with a small amount of Zoloft (half of the smallest available dosage, i.e., half a pill). I mention this because, as soon as we started taking it, we both found we could -- for the first time in our lives -- sit through sad movies with dry eyes. Since I started taking a small amount of that drug six years ago, I've been able to walk out of movie theaters at night without having to wear sun glasses! That said, I nonetheless agree with Carhill that you should play the role of BF and let the professionals figure out what is actually causing your GF's easily triggered crying. Carhill does not say, however, that you should not say anything about it. One thing you might want to say, for example, is "Your crying doesn't bother me but, if it bothers you, it would be smart to see a medical doctor to see if you have a hormone imbalance." Or, because you say it has been interfering with your sex life (i.e., crying = no sex that night), you might tell her you really would appreciate her having it checked out by a medical doctor. Because a hormone problem is not only the most likely explanation but also the easiest to fix (by simply swallowing a pill), it makes sense for her to start with a medical doctor (e.g., an endocrinologist or gynecologist). If the hormone issue is ruled out by a blood test, it would be prudent for her to see a psychiatrist (i.e., MD with psych degree) as a next step.
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 (edited) This is actually VERY helpful and gets my hopes up that it could just be it. Again, if you don't mind me asking, do you personally agree with the statement? For example, is it easier for you to cry when you're with your boyfriend than when you're with your friends, running errands, etc.? I do agree with that statement, which is why I posted it. As for my crying, I don't cry just with my bf, I cry whenever I feel emotional, and I don't just feel emotional when I am with him. Anything can trigger it, even something as simple as a commercial if it triggers an emotional memory....even a happy positive memory. Crying is a release of emotions, both positive and negative (so is laughing believe it or not)... and this is only a guess, but I am wondering if what your gf is feeling is actually *anger* at you, which manifests into crying because she feels it's wrong or "unfeminine" to get angry. That was me many many years ago. Now though, I am fully in touch with my emotions and I no longer cry when I am angry; I just get angry...release it, then let it go. It sounds like your gf may be suppressing her anger during those times when she feels hurt or upset by you, and then when you get into bed which represents intimacy, she starts to cry as a way to distance herself from you so as to avoid having sex that night. Subconsciously of course. That is what I got from reading your post no. 21....but it's probably best to encourage her to seek some therapy to help root out the issue. I have been in therapy for years...first twice a week, now once a month. Again, hope that helped and feel free to ask more questions if you need to.... Edited May 18, 2015 by katiegrl
Phoe Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 While I'm not much of a crier, I agree with Katie that if I find myself crying over something that's oddly emotionally triggering, the best thing to do is make me laugh! Twice in the past year I got stupidly teared up while talking with a friend at work, and both times he took it in stride, didn't get alarmed, and instead made me laugh and quite quickly my spirits were lifted and I dried my tears realizing I'd been so silly to cry anyway! 1
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