One night stands

[carhill]

This is question mainly aimed at the guys who have played around with women and had the one night stands or were into 'scoring'. It's commonly know that once a guy who is into this has 'got what he wants', he won't be interested any more. Why? If you fancied the girl in the first place, why would you only want to have sex with her once? It doesn't make sense. I'm just curious how this mindset works.

 

I chose not to participate in ONS but do have a man's mind so can perhaps provide some perspective.

 

Mainly it's like the kid who bugged his parents endlessly for a new toy and then, once receiving it, plays with it once and then sets it aside.

 

The 'I want and don't have' and the 'newness' are gone so meh, on to the next new thing. Dating and sex are set up to challenge men to pursue the 'new' so some pursue it in this fashion and cast it aside once played with.

[RedRobin]

I chose not to participate in ONS but do have a man's mind so can perhaps provide some perspective.

 

Mainly it's like the kid who bugged his parents endlessly for a new toy and then, once receiving it, plays with it once and then sets it aside.

 

The 'I want and don't have' and the 'newness' are gone so meh, on to the next new thing. Dating and sex are set up to challenge men to pursue the 'new' so some pursue it in this fashion and cast it aside once played with.

 

 

so simple yet so profound

[RedRobin]

Yes, this is exacty the kind of thing. I don't feel that Ninja's reply does cover this particular scenario as surely guys don't do that with everyone? If a woman is resisting him, why pursue her with great effort and not someone else who might take less effort?

 

 

I've been the object of, um, 'affection' for such 'men' before. And you know, the attention really never rings true.

 

 

It's like they are good at going through the motions and saying stuff, but they aren't really listening, aren't really invested, aren't really caring.

 

 

If you, as a woman, aren't so desperate for attention and affection, it really isn't that hard to see through those guys. At all.

 

 

That said, I get it that we all want to be loved and admired. It really is a sad moment when I realize that a guy has been pumping sunshine up my *ss.. for a few dates, or a few months, whatever. Sad because I really don't want to feel this way about another human being... but hey... lots of people have a hard time believing that who they are is good enough and don't have faith or patience to find the lid for their pot.

[Revolver]

One night stands are primarily based around desperation. It's a night where your right hand and porn are just not going to cut it.

[ascendotum]

I would not call that scenario a ONS. I've seen it happen a couple of times by guys that were not what I would call close friends so I can't say what their mindset was exactly though the guys tended to be a bit sleazy and opportunists in nature. They tended to not have a heap of options and so I guess played the long game more. Reading some PUA posts, some guys also get off on the challenge aspect as well of being able to turn around a resistant woman.

 

I also think its a lot of effort to go to to get laid and also totally plays into jerk behavior as far as women are concerned. Its possible the woman did/said something that turned him off along the way that made him change his mind about having her for a gf, but since he set his mind to get her and is close to getting laid he stays on for that bit longer. For a lot of people (both M & F) lackluster sex can be a dealbreaker too. The woman wont really know if the guy just duped her to get laid or if it was one of the later.

 

Its a lot easier to do with OLD I'd say as the person is not connected to your friends/work or social network or likely to bump into again, so no backlash. I'd suspect it happens there a bit for the guys who use that to simply get laid, and for many I'd say they feel they are dropping their standards so no interest in a relationship and quite possibly have a couple on the go so can play the long game. The hotter the guy the more a woman will be accepting of a PanD, but much less so an average joe/on her level guy that does it. It can be tricky for a women to pick those guys. Many average joe shmoes want to enjoy nsa just as much as the good looking players.

 

A number of women I know using OLD mostly seem to have short term relationships/flings. I don't always get the full details on what went wrong but the guys they dated tended to be guys that I'd expect would have quite a few options, so its quite possible they are the same except just stay on a bit longer and the guys are sensitive to her feelings. The women don't feel used and stay optimistic (both enjoyed good times).

[OldRover]

This really sounds like something specific that has happened to you, but you're posting it as a generality. I mean, honestly, no guy is going to turn down sure sex. Maybe he wants just sex, but senses that you are trying for something more and doesn't want to lead you on.

 

Maybe it was really bad. Maybe he has a girlfriend and just wanted strange. Maybe something else, but the fact is, guys don't turn down sure sex just because they've had it once.

 

Your not quite correct... there's a lot of us that have turned down sex....and want a more intimate relationship.....

[thefooloftheyear]

Its been said and I believe its very true...Men can compartmentalize better than women, especially when it comes to this...

 

The seemingly highest principled men have banged street whores...but no one knows about it....Its kept under hat...If you met them, you would bet your life savings they wouldn't...and you would lose...

 

And yes, its true...Practically all men will take it if its handed on a silver platter, as is too often the case...Yes, even the most righteous...They may be remorseful after, but they will normally take it..And they wont give a crap about the eHarmony 100 levels of compatibility, or whatever the hell its called...

 

And as far as effort...well...not all guys are like this, but its been proven that many men are about "conquering"...They will do it as a way of satisfying that aspect of their personality...

 

Is this to say no man has romantic intentions? Absolutely not..Just means that the romantic intention isn't always necessary for sex....as it is for most women..Compartmentalization again...

 

The best advice for women is to follow the clear cut instructions your parents gave you when you were 15 or so...Keep 'em closed until you know where its going and your head is clear.....Don't get caught up in the bullshyt and flattery..You aren't that special..No one is...No guy worth a shyt will be scared away by a woman taking a cautious and measured approach to this...

 

Disclaimer...These comments/opinions do not necessarily represent those of the poster..In addition, these comments arent meant to be judgemental...consenting adults are free to do as they wish...

 

TFY

[loverboy69]

Not to trivialize anything but sex is a human function just like going potty. Both use the same organs, muscles and reflexes.

 

But what makes sex different for humans vs most animals is that we partake in sex for pleasure moreso than we do for pro-creating; unless you are one of those prudish people. In fact we love to orgasm so much that we'll even have sex by ourselves (masturbation) when nobody is looking. The other thing that makes it different are our social contracts we create for ourselves in the event sex leads to offspring but that's a different topic for a different day.....

 

You see us men are very practical in our thinking. We're also opportunistic. One night stands are like fast food: not really that great but cheap, easy and available everywhere.

 

I'm not saying it's morally right or wrong for men to enjoy sex with a stranger only to leave them hanging but it's what's been happening for centuries. I've had plenty of one night stands myself. Usually it's only the very inexperienced that confuse a man's intentions in this manner but we all have to learn at some point. I know I did.

 

For me real attraction develops over time. There usually involves a little hot/cold, push/pull mechanism that builds sexual tension. This doesn't happen with one night stands because with no emotional connection I can easily discard last night's sex buddy without any regret.

[spiderowl]

I've been the object of, um, 'affection' for such 'men' before. And you know, the attention really never rings true.

 

 

It's like they are good at going through the motions and saying stuff, but they aren't really listening, aren't really invested, aren't really caring.

 

 

If you, as a woman, aren't so desperate for attention and affection, it really isn't that hard to see through those guys. At all.

 

 

That said, I get it that we all want to be loved and admired. It really is a sad moment when I realize that a guy has been pumping sunshine up my *ss.. for a few dates, or a few months, whatever. Sad because I really don't want to feel this way about another human being... but hey... lots of people have a hard time believing that who they are is good enough and don't have faith or patience to find the lid for their pot.

 

I really understand what you mean here and the feeling that it's all false. It's not so easy to tell the genuine guys from those just out to conquer, regardless of what guys think. Experience helps but who wants that kind of sad experience? It just makes you jaded and lacking in trust, then the next guy criticises you for being cynical and lacking trust !!!

[hotpotato]

They dont have to like you to have sex with you. Sometimes a man just wants to sleep with someone who is breathing. I dont think its anything special when a man has those feelings.

 

Ive had guys plint out which women they would have sex with, and it was pretty much any female who wasnt too old or fat.

 

These guys also dont care to get to know you either. Its like In 'n' Out burger but for sex.

Unfortunately, ive encountered guys who would do or say anything to have a little sex, aside from the logical thing-getting a hooker or going to a strip club. They dont feel like the hooker picked them, and the hooker is indiscriminate. Theres a lot of irony there. I guess many guysneed that feeling of accomplishment and mastery and to feel special Iin a way.

If you dont believe me, go to a mens site and pose as a man.

 

 

Also, its just what males do. Watch national geographic. Male cheetah follows female cheetah around for 7 hrs so he can have 2 min of sex. It seems like a lot of work to have a little sex, but thats just how some males roll.

[hotpotato]

I really understand what you mean here and the feeling that it's all false. It's not so easy to tell the genuine guys from those just out to conquer, regardless of what guys think. Experience helps but who wants that kind of sad experience? It just makes you jaded and lacking in trust, then the next guy criticises you for being cynical and lacking trust !!!

 

Thats why I dont date much. That kind of ***** gets old.

[thefooloftheyear]

I really understand what you mean here and the feeling that it's all false. It's not so easy to tell the genuine guys from those just out to conquer, regardless of what guys think. Experience helps but who wants that kind of sad experience? It just makes you jaded and lacking in trust, then the next guy criticises you for being cynical and lacking trust !!!

 

I sincerely understand your frustration, but lets face it....guys get jerked around by women just as much and who knows?... maybe even more.....Perhaps not for sex, but for money, favors, emotional stability, marriage, or a variety of other reasons...

 

Its a crap shoot on either side....You either get in the game, or stay on the bench...Trust me, there are no shortage of totally cynical and jaded guys..

 

TFY

[Tayla]

I chose not to participate in ONS but do have a man's mind so can perhaps provide some perspective.

 

Mainly it's like the kid who bugged his parents endlessly for a new toy and then, once receiving it, plays with it once and then sets it aside.

 

The 'I want and don't have' and the 'newness' are gone so meh, on to the next new thing. Dating and sex are set up to challenge men to pursue the 'new' so some pursue it in this fashion and cast it aside once played with.

 

short attention span?

Possibly. never thought of it that way... makes some sense.

[Ninjainpajamas]

They dont have to like you to have sex with you. Sometimes a man just wants to sleep with someone who is breathing. I dont think its anything special when a man has those feelings.

 

Ive had guys plint out which women they would have sex with, and it was pretty much any female who wasnt too old or fat.

 

These guys also dont care to get to know you either. Its like In 'n' Out burger but for sex.

Unfortunately, ive encountered guys who would do or say anything to have a little sex, aside from the logical thing-getting a hooker or going to a strip club. They dont feel like the hooker picked them, and the hooker is indiscriminate. Theres a lot of irony there. I guess many guysneed that feeling of accomplishment and mastery and to feel special Iin a way.

If you dont believe me, go to a mens site and pose as a man.

 

 

Also, its just what males do. Watch national geographic. Male cheetah follows female cheetah around for 7 hrs so he can have 2 min of sex. It seems like a lot of work to have a little sex, but thats just how some males roll.

 

Well...they could not be technically breathing, he only has to believe she is breathing...because if she was dead that would be gross.

 

But no, guys in general not nearly as selective as women would ever hope or dream them to be...that's the kind inside joke of it all, women spend all that time on hair, make-up, that dress or outfit they put on in the morning...adjusting it left to right, noticing every minor flaw and detail...while many guys would practically have sex with her all messed up looking, in like the worst situation...and then women are like "Do you think he thought this or that was ugly? do you think he cared about X or X?"...farthest thing from a guys mind in reality.

 

So I don't even know where women develop their whole train of thought, women seem to set the standard for the sake of competing with one another, but whether you were all dolled up or dressed in a potato sack...it wouldn't make a damn difference at the end of the day, if all the women were wearing potato sacks no guy would give a damn...he'd still pick a potato sack to have sex with...and yet ironically, somehow all of these expectations of what a woman should be, look and dress like is a mans fault, when we're only going by the standard of the time and generation.

 

I don't care how egotistical and arrogant a guy acts about a woman's looks, without a doubt he'd have sex with someone much lower than that supposed standard...any guy would tell you that, because it's the damn truth.

 

Guys feel special getting laid...because other guys simply cannot and if anything, our existence on this planet was or is to procreate. Intellectual minds may feel differently, but that's the real root and purpose of why all of us were here..if two people didn't get down to do the boogey, we wouldn't be here reading this crap. It's just the way it is, that's the basic and most fundamental reason we exist, no matter how much you cloud that with the spirituality, romanticism and whatever other philosophical, emotional ideas you have about life.

 

And that's why a cheetah would spend 7 hours chasing a female, or even more. It doesn't matter, the time is irrelevant...the goal is the agenda and purpose, men are going to do whatever it takes at the end of the day to spread those legs, otherwise they would just attack you and take it from you without your consent or will.

 

I suppose you can consider that an "achievement" in man-kinds history, that they will not...and at least pursue you for it....most guys at least. But even then, imagine how many women are date raped or taken advantage of while intoxicated every single day, by some very ordinary guy that could be at your workplace or who knows...anyone. These guys don't wear a hat, or a label on them to let everyone, they just slip back into the darkness and act like society expects them to.

 

I really understand what you mean here and the feeling that it's all false. It's not so easy to tell the genuine guys from those just out to conquer, regardless of what guys think. Experience helps but who wants that kind of sad experience? It just makes you jaded and lacking in trust, then the next guy criticises you for being cynical and lacking trust !!!

 

And that leads me to this point...what you see by people, and men are not an exception...is an "act". It's a front to the real person and their intentions. All the people you see everyday are not transparent, if they are sad they don't cry, if they are hurt they don't hang their head...people put on a neutral social posture, and even smile and pretend to be happy. And it's no different with men and their intentions.

 

The best manipulators are the most charming, the more swooning, the most captivating and interesting men.

 

I'm a damn good manipulator myself if I want to be, it's not a talent or virtue by choice. It's abundantly clear what people want to see, hear and expect...and I could play right into that role, and people honestly want that fantasy. It makes me highly effective at roles like sales, negotiations, any kind of situation where choosing the right words are of the most importance. It's my personal choice not to exercise that talent, but it's really sad in the real world that you could get a lot farther being someone who is fake and fabricating an image, rather than just simply being who you are.

 

People want perfection, they want flawless and romanticized ideals to come to life...there are men out there who can deliver that package, and often do...but we're talking about the top, not the bottom feeders who just go straight for the throat at a woman who is on her weakest moment.

 

By can you blame the men for pretending to be what women want or even expect them to be? women love men whom they believe meet that standard..they buy the facade, they believe that how a man reveals himself on the inside and says who he is, actually who he is. She wants to trust him, she wants to give him the "benefit of the doubt", she wants to build him up to the self-righteous character, who is committed, loyal and faithful and looking for a relationship and yadda yadda yadda...what do you think these guys are going to tell you in the end? you think they're just going to sell themselves out and just not get laid?

 

It doesn't matter if it's for one day, or two years...men need sex, they need intimacy, they need at least for some part that a woman loves them.

 

This whole thing about certain guys out there "looking for love"...look, I'll tell you which guys are "looking for love" more often than not, they're insecure, lacking in confidence (and this means they can be very good looking ladies) or just don't know how to get what they want because they don't have the options, it's simple..reallly simple...it's the same thing when a woman chooses a guy she can trust and knows loves her but she doesn't necessarily have the hots for them..it's more of the safe and guaranteed choice.

 

Otherwise, guys don't usually settle intentionally...they usually settle when they want a family or children, that's pretty much the gist of it. Otherwise, more often than not, they were in pursuit of getting laid and just kind of fell into the whole "love" thing...he wasn't exactly "looking for the perfect girl"...I'm sorry, but those guys are lying to you and full of Sh$$t.

 

But hey, this is all kind of pointless and redundant rambling, in the end you're going to believe what you want as a woman. You should be a bit cynical and lack trust, for your own safety and protection. It's not that people can't be trusted, it's that you have to understand first what people are capable of being trusted with first...they are not perfect, they are not all pure intended angelic souls...it's a tough world and life unfortunately, it's not going to be all flowers and rainbows, and that's just the way it is...you've got to learn and figure out how things work, or chances are, you'll be manipulated or conned by someone...and then you'll just be hoping to get "lucky" in love, which basically means by chance, that person is actually genuine and honest, wanting something with you.

 

And then there's the topic of why...and if you are just idealizing their intentions and romantic behavior...unfortunately, humans can't meet their own expectations and fantasies.

[forumman83]

This is question mainly aimed at the guys who have played around with women and had the one night stands or were into 'scoring'. It's commonly know that once a guy who is into this has 'got what he wants', he won't be interested any more. Why? If you fancied the girl in the first place, why would you only want to have sex with her once? It doesn't make sense. I'm just curious how this mindset works.

 

I've been this guy before so from my experience, often times, I actually was genuinely interested in the girl upon first meeting her. Then after a few dates or whatever, we hook up and I just realize that she's not the one. It really is strange because we shouldn't have to sleep together to realize that.

 

As I've matured, however, I can now tell pretty quickly whether or not I am genuinely interested in a girl for the long-term or just interested in sex. I usually don't bother anymore if it isn't the former. But the old me couldn't distinguish so I would play the game and sleep with a girl because I wasn't actually thinking about anything long-term. I was too immature.

[WonderKid]

I never had sex with a girl from a club. I think to rationally for clubs so I rarely ever go. For the "one-and-done" thing, if she gets mushy on me then I'll keep my distance. People these days just want to be in a LTR just to have someone--no one these days wants to invest in the chemistry to form real relationships. So if I had sex with a girl that day, two days later she's acting like we should be an item, I will gently reassure her the difference in our expectations. It is for both our own good.

 

Half of the time the girl didn't really want to form a relationship. They just want someone to say they have someone; then weeks later you start to lose your luster and she then "knows you aren't the one", so why set myself up for that?

 

If he form a mutual understanding then that is cool. I'm a sly talker myself. I am a great people reader, and adept at telling people what they want to hear. But the girls you have to watch out for are the ones that just screw you just so you can like them.

[RedRobin]

I really understand what you mean here and the feeling that it's all false. It's not so easy to tell the genuine guys from those just out to conquer, regardless of what guys think. Experience helps but who wants that kind of sad experience? It just makes you jaded and lacking in trust, then the next guy criticises you for being cynical and lacking trust !!!

 

You can be joyful, fun, and open, but still not be a mark for the wheeler dealers.

 

The guys who complain about your process are likely just bullies or manipulators. If you are sincerely enjoying each other's company, and you have a chance to observe him around others, or even scratch the surface a little on whatever facade they are putting up... It will be obvious.

 

Anyway... Learning how to politely screen individuals for all kinds of things is an important life lesson. It doesn't just apply to dating. At some level, you could maybe feel sorry for the guys who have to weasel or manipulate. They must not like themselves that much. Who cares if they can get a piece of ass once in awhile doing that? Very few manage to conceal their true nature from anyone for long. That has to be fundamentally very lonely for all but the true sociopaths or psychopaths who enjoy hurting or deceiving others.

 

Statistics indicate that there are perhaps 4% of the population who fit in that category... Probably more of them doing OLD than that.

[hotpotato]

You can be joyful, fun, and open, but still not be a mark for the wheeler dealers.

 

The guys who complain about your process are likely just bullies or manipulators. If you are sincerely enjoying each other's company, and you have a chance to observe him around others, or even scratch the surface a little on whatever facade they are putting up... It will be obvious.

 

Anyway... Learning how to politely screen individuals for all kinds of things is an important life lesson. It doesn't just apply to dating. At some level, you could maybe feel sorry for the guys who have to weasel or manipulate. They must not like themselves that much. Who cares if they can get a piece of ass once in awhile doing that? Very few manage to conceal their true nature from anyone for long. That has to be fundamentally very lonely for all but the true sociopaths or psychopaths who enjoy hurting or deceiving others.

 

Statistics indicate that there are perhaps 4% of the population who fit in that category... Probably more of them doing OLD than that.

 

Well...Ive gone to a mens site or two, and quite a few feel good about the game playing and being less than forthright if need be. I dont mean pick up sitez, i mean sites for men who were "good." Theres a certain pride in getting sex that you didnt have to pay for that is more valuable than morality and integrity. Gotta do wutcha gotta do, I guess.

 

I do believe online dating brings out the worst in people esp thirsty dudes.