KatZee Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Not sure if anyone has any advice or insight, but basically this is the situation. I've known this guy for a little while but only started getting together with him about two weeks ago. In the span of one week we had 3 dates, all of which were so much fun. Great conversation, laughs, dates lasted hours long. Now, some background on me: I'm not one of these "3-date rule" chicks. I take my time getting to know someone on a deeper level before I start in with all the physical stuff. I like to see if personalities mesh, if we have similar interests and if we can have fun together. To me, this is a very important basis for even starting a serious relationship. I don't like rushing physical things, I like creating the foundation for a solid relationship. This being said, we did kiss. So after our third get together he sends me a text that week asking when he could see me again. I responded in a playful manner and asked when the next time he was free was. I said I had really enjoyed our time together up until that point, and he said that the upcoming weekend was a possibility. And... this is just where it makes no sense. From the next day on, all the way until this weekend he just was weird. Stopped texting me, if I reached out to him he would respond like a few words and completely drop off and wouldn't respond to my texts. I literally had no idea what was going on, was he mad at me? Did I say something? So last night I decided to just throw out a casual meet idea and he agreed and then, summarizing, he said: to be honest I didn't feel like you were that interested in me. This is after 3 dates going for hours long, kissing, talking every single day. Talking about future things to do... WTH??? I feel like he spoke to someone, a coworker, a friend, a family member, and someone gave him super garbage advice that because I'm not being so "physically open" with him after hanging out with him for a mere week, that I'm not interested? I told him that this wasn't the case at all, that I've really liked spending time with him but that I'm slower moving than most people I guess. And now, that's that. He hasn't asked me to get together again. What even is this? Why the hell can't I find someone that takes the chance to get to know me? I guess it was three dates though. All time record.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 My honest guess is that he met someone else and doesn't know how to properly end things with you, so he found an excuse and turned it on you. 3
katiegrl Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 KZ .....did you get the sense/feeling that he wants more from you sexually? Did he go for it and you "shot him down"..telling him you need more time? My opinion will depend on your response....
Author KatZee Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 KZ .....did you get the sense/feeling that he wants more from you sexually? Did he go for it and you "shot him down"..telling him you need more time? My opinion will depend on your response.... No, he didn't try anything. He said that he wanted to cuddle and kiss me more but felt he was pushing it and that gave him the vibe that I didn't like him.
Author KatZee Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 My honest guess is that he met someone else and doesn't know how to properly end things with you, so he found an excuse and turned it on you. How does he find someone else in the span of one day?
katiegrl Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 (edited) No, he didn't try anything. He said that he wanted to cuddle and kiss me more but felt he was pushing it and that gave him the vibe that I didn't like him. In other words, he sensed/felt you were cold physically and therefore did not even want to try to shoot for more physically ..... fearing he'd be shot down? Just wondering, I know you told him you liked him but did you tell him you *are* open to more kissing and cuddling? You would just prefer to wait a bit longer to have sex? It sounds like a miscommunication IMO. He's too afraid to try for more (kissing, cuddling, physical affection).., and you're not initiating either OR communicating that you would be open to more .....but prefer to wait a bit longer for actual sex. A man needs at least some physical affection to emotionally connect, and if he senses you are not open to that (kissing, cuddling)....he will lose interest. That is what it sounds like to me on the limited info you have provided. But then again, he could be pulling back in an attempt to manipulate you into coming forward and having sex with him. I have had guys do that. Or as another poster mentioned, he may have just met someone else. Did you meet him on line? Edited May 17, 2015 by katiegrl
ExpatInItaly Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 How does he find someone else in the span of one day? It might not have been in the span of one day. In other words, he could've been talking to another girl at the same time he was seeing you. Lots of people do so in the beginning stages. I'm not saying that's definitely the reason he pulled back, but it's not impossible either.
Author KatZee Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 In other words, he sensed/felt you were cold physically and therefore did not even want to try to shoot for more physically ..... fearing he'd be shot down? Just wondering, I know you told him you liked him but did you tell him you *are* open to more kissing and cuddling? You would just prefer to wait a bit longer to have sex? It sounds like a miscommunication IMO. He's too afraid to try for more (kissing, cuddling, physical affection).., and you're not initiating either OR communicating that you would be open to more .....but prefer to wait a bit longer for actual sex. A man needs at least some physical affection to emotionalky connect, and if he senses you are not open to that (kissing, cuddling)....he will lose interest. That is what it sounds like to me on the limited info you have provided. But then again, he could be pulling back in an attempt to manipulate you into coming forward and having sex with him. I have had guys do that. Or as another poster mentioned, he may have just met someone else. Did you meet him on line? I don't think it's a manipulation tactic but more so the first part of what you wrote. I just take a bit longer than most people I guess to warm up and to feel comfortable being with someone like that. It's not an online guy, I've known him but only started hanging out one on one in the past 2 weeks. I don't get why wanting to get to know someone slowly is such a damn turn off.
writergal Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 If you met him via online dating, THAT is how he met someone new so quickly because he was probably multi-dating with other women. Sounds like he made up an excuse and blamed you "you weren't interested in him" so he could cut you loose and date other women. He's a jerk. Forget about him.
writergal Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 I don't get why wanting to get to know someone slowly is such a damn turn off. That just means he's not compatible with you. He probably wanted sex early on and when you didn't give that to him, he bailed. 3
beyond Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 I don't think it's a manipulation tactic but more so the first part of what you wrote. I just take a bit longer than most people I guess to warm up and to feel comfortable being with someone like that. It's not an online guy, I've known him but only started hanging out one on one in the past 2 weeks. I don't get why wanting to get to know someone slowly is such a damn turn off. It's not! Most guys I've met have actually said its quite the opposite and respected me more. Having said that, that was most guys who wanted a full on relationship. If this guy just wanted a 'bit of fun' then maybe he just thought it wasn't moving quickly enough for him.
Emilia Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 I think he has lost interest for whatever reason and doesn't want to say it.
El Pallasso Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 When you want to "get to know someone", you have to know ALL of them and yes, that includes sexually. Sexuality is a natural part of human behavior and withholding it as some sort of transactional card makes the other person feel like they're not seeing ALL of you.
preraph Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 (edited) He's just trying to candycoat that he's just trying to get laid and was hoping you'd be all over him by the third date. You've noticed there are a lot of guys on this forum who thinks there's a formula for all this, and he probably does to. He probably isn't very experienced so he's going by what someone or something else is telling him. Move on and don't worry about it. He's an inexperienced player wannabe who took a parting shot at you to "punish" you for not having sex with him. Be glad you dodged that bullet. You could make your last text "You weren't masculine enough for me anyway." Edited May 17, 2015 by preraph 2
beyond Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 When you want to "get to know someone", you have to know ALL of them and yes, that includes sexually. Sexuality is a natural part of human behavior and withholding it as some sort of transactional card makes the other person feel like they're not seeing ALL of you. After dating for a WEEK??!! 6
ExpatInItaly Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 After dating for a WEEK??!! This is why I think that wasn't the reason. I think it's something else but he doesn't have the courage to be honest. 2
preraph Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 He was on his best behavior trying to get laid, and it was all fake. 3 dates and he's out. I think you should pat yourself on the back for weeding out a player who would only have cheated on you or boinked you once and then left. 5
katiegrl Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 (edited) I don't think it's a manipulation tactic but more so the first part of what you wrote. I just take a bit longer than most people I guess to warm up and to feel comfortable being with someone like that. It's not an online guy, I've known him but only started hanging out one on one in the past 2 weeks. ***I don't get why wanting to get to know someone slowly is such a damn turn off.*** Well from I know about guys (and I do have five brothers and a bf of 5 years)...they need at least some form of physical affection (kissing, cuddling, hugs, holding hands?) to connect emotionally...and if that's not happening, they will turn off. Which is the exact opposite of what women need -- they need to emotionaly connect FIRST before feeling comfortable enough to become physical. But someting's gotta give at some point, right? Don't be mad at them, it's just their natures....just like it's our natures to feel an emotional connect first....before becoming more physical, especially sexually. I know you said you are slow to respond sexually, but what about simple things. ..like taking his hand or arm, or stroking your hand over his back, arm or leg? Little gestures like that mean a lot and would indicate your interest in him beyond friendship. Edited May 17, 2015 by katiegrl 3
Author KatZee Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 Well from I know about guys (and I do have five brothers and a bf of 5 years)...they need at least some form of physical affection (kissing, cuddling, hugs, holding hands?) to connect emotionally...and if that's not happening, they will turn off. Which is the exact opposite of what women need -- they need to emotionaly connect FIRST before feeling comfortable enough to become physical. But someting's gotta give at some point, right? Don't be mad at them, it's just their natures....just like it's our natures to feel an emotional connect first....before becoming more physical, especially sexually. I know you said you are slow to respond sexually, but what about simple things. ..like taking his hand or arm, or stroking your hand over his back, arm or leg? Little gestures like that mean a lot and would indicate your interest in him beyond friendship. Good ideas, but I doubt i'll be seeing him again.
katiegrl Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Good ideas, but I doubt i'll be seeing him again. Well for the next guy then....lesson learned.
jen1447 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 My guess is what you said about the uninformed confidant giving ill-advised 'expert' advice. If there was no lead-in to him turning off, sth happened fast. And being as women are more prone to irrational hot and cold than guys , that seems unlikely. Also you said he reacted sullenly when you asked him about it? That suggests to me he's brooding about it, if he tried to be all happy-positive-BS that would make me lean moreso to someone else in the picture. There may be a twist of past relationship trauma in there as well. Gun shy and looking for issues where there are none and overreacting to them, etc. Anyway I think your instincts are bscly right. Boo-yay! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Well from I know about guys (and I do have five brothers and a bf of 5 years)...they need at least some form of physical affection (kissing, cuddling, hugs, holding hands?) to connect emotionally...and if that's not happening, they will turn off. Which is the exact opposite of what women need -- they need to emotionaly connect FIRST before feeling comfortable enough to become physical. But someting's gotta give at some point, right? Don't be mad at them, it's just their natures....just like it's our natures to feel an emotional connect first....before becoming more physical, especially sexually. I know you said you are slow to respond sexually, but what about simple things. ..like taking his hand or arm, or stroking your hand over his back, arm or leg? Little gestures like that mean a lot and would indicate your interest in him beyond friendship. She said in her first post that they did in fact kiss.
katiegrl Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 She said in her first post that they did in fact kiss. Big whoop, one kiss....after three dates. That said, you could be right he only wanted sex...in which case good riddance. Just suggesting for next time though, a little physical affection like holding his hand, taking his arm while walking, all indicate she is interested in him romantically. If none of that is happening during the first couple of dates, he may think she is friendzoning him and thus lose interest.... JMO....
spiderowl Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 As long as things were progressing a bit physically, so that you weren't rejecting him on that front, I can't see that there should be a problem - UNLESS, he has been listening to his mates about the 'three date rule'. If he has, then he will be assuming things are not right unless he has got you naked within three days. That's just stupid and immature. If a guy can't be happy with a gradual progression, then you just need someone with more sense. 3
spiderowl Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 When you want to "get to know someone", you have to know ALL of them and yes, that includes sexually. Sexuality is a natural part of human behavior and withholding it as some sort of transactional card makes the other person feel like they're not seeing ALL of you. And why would anyone be entitled to know all of you in a short space of time? We reveal our deepest selves gradually. Why should it be any different with sexuality which can make people feel even more vulnerable than emotional sharing? 3
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