Just broken up. Should we stay friends or have no contact?

[rie39]

Hey guys. I've just recently had a break up with a boyfriend I've been with for 3 years. I really really need advice. He was my first boyfriend, this is my first true heartbreak and I'm struggling to know what to do.

 

I don't want you all to just automatically say "it's over, cut all ties with him". Please read what I have to say.

 

My ex and I have broken up several times before this for the same reasons and decided this time is the real one because we need to address those problems we broke up over. He said he would get back together and he feels bad, but that he just knows he has to do this, and he says why get back together immediately if we'll just break up again? I agree, we need to address the problems first. Although it was kind of both of us that wanted to break up at initially, now I'm the one wanting him more and he's the one adamant to stay broken up. The actual reasons for breaking up were: at first it was because he felt we were too different, but we realised there were other reasons too: because we're each other's firsts so he wants to explore what else is out there + he loves me but is not IN love with me anymore.

 

I respect that the best thing for him really is to explore what else is out there. I think exploring what's out there would make for a better relationship if we do ever get back together. He says we can be friends and I am like family to him.

 

I'm not sure whether we should stay friends (we kind of are now, still texting about casual stuff) or have a clean cut? Or have a break and then become friends again?

 

I have such conflicting thoughts. On one hand I feel that only if we break/cut will he realise what he's lost - if I'm still around as a friend he won't. But I also feel like if I leave his life he may never contact me again, because he'll just forget me. [He actually told me that he has been struggling a bit whenever I get emotional about the break up and that as a coping mechanism he just gets rude and pushes me away. I'm worried that this side of him will cause him to just push me completely out of his life if we have a clean cut.] I don't want to see him date others. But I'm also not prepared for the possibility he won't contact me again. I'm also just not emotionally ready to just stop talking to him completely. I feel like it would be a waste of a friendship, after all those years getting to know someone well. If we can't be lovers why can't we just get along as friends? Maybe we should just have a break to let the emotions from the break up go away and then get back together as friends (with neither of us having emotions)?

 

I feel really heartbroken over him, I really do feel we have potential in the future. I feel this break up was needed, but I'm not sure what to actually do now that I'm going through it. Maybe I shouldn't worry so much? Should I just stop texting and just leave it be, or do I have to come to an agreement with him on what to do?

 

Thanks so much for any advice

[aloneinaz]

I think you do not want to go from GF to friend. It never works. You need to stop having contact w/him. He won't forget you as you never forget your first.

 

With what you said with break ups in the past, it's an indicator that you two are not a good fit for long term. Most if not all first loves never last long term. Why? People need to go out and have many relationships while trying on different people to see who's a good fit for them and who's not. They need to sow their oats.

 

In this situation, you two should give each other space and not contact each other for an extended period (months). By the the end of the period, you'll both realize you were not a good fit and will have moved on to other partners.

[d0nnivain]

You can't be just friends with an EX. You want more. You don't need a front row seat to the other's new romance. Any new person you date will not like the fact that you still talk to your EX.

 

Any relationship where you are on the break-up / make up merry go round is already dysfunctional. You can't continue going back & doing the same things that weren't working.

 

While NC is an excellent healing tool, it can be fairly abrupt & harsh when you simply stop talking to the person forever. I have always gone a more gradual thing but the idea that you can be friends is the biggest white lie going. People say it but nobody really means it. At best you can be civil when you accidentally bump into each other but it will be very awkward especially if one of you is with a new date.

[Survivor12]

Sorry you are hurting.

 

The best advice I can give you is to not base any decision on "what if" or "maybe". There is no way to know what the future will bring.

 

Focus on what you know and how you feel today. Here's what you know:

 

The relationship wasn't working.

He doesn't want to get back together.

He wants to explore other relationships.

He isn't in love with you anymore.

You aren't prepared to see him with others.

 

There is no guarantee that he will change his mind in the future regardless of what you do or whether you remain in contact so sticking around to make sure he isn't going to forget you or hiding out hoping that he'll miss you is pointless.

 

He is doing what he feels is best for him. You need to do the same. What is best for you?

 

Personally, I think you'll recover sooner if you limit your contact. That doesn't mean that you have to be acrimonious. My exH and I separated (and later divorced) after being together for 25 years & raising a child together. When we see each other once or twice a year at our grandchildren's birthday parties, we find a lot to talk about & have an enjoyable conversation. The fact that we parted ways amicably makes that possible. We each have many years of fond memories that overshadow any regrets.

 

Even so, we aren't "friends". We tried to be in the beginning, when we separated, & it delayed the inevitable for four years. Finally, when we realized that we were living our lives in limbo & were unable to move on, I filed for divorce. The day it was final the second-guessing, remorse & disappointment stopped and my new life began.

 

I wish I'd ripped off the band-aid 4 years earlier.

 

So, my advice to you is to accept that the relationship is over, grieve the loss & take it one day at a time--on your own. Don't keep him in your life as a band-aid--or a crutch.

 

And, if/when your paths cross, remember that being friendly does not necessarily mean that you are friends or that he (or you) wants to get back together. Cherish your memories but don't use them as a way to reconnect or to remind him of what he's lost.

 

The pain will eventually go away, but letting go will make it happen sooner.

[rie39]

Most if not all first loves never last long term. Why? People need to go out and have many relationships while trying on different people to see who's a good fit for them and who's not. They need to sow their oats.

 

In this situation, you two should give each other space and not contact each other for an extended period (months). By the the end of the period, you'll both realize you were not a good fit and will have moved on to other partners.

 

Wouldn't it be possible to, after a long period of no contact, be friends again and even possibly be a better match for a relationship, after seeing on other people? To realise that the first person is who you want after seeing all those other people?

[rie39]

Personally, I think you'll recover sooner if you limit your contact. That doesn't mean that you have to be acrimonious.

 

How do you suggest to start the either LC or NC process? Should I contact my ex and confirm that I want no contact/less contact, or should I just not reply to him anymore if he ever texts me again? (The last texts we exchanged to each other were him saying that if I want no contact that's ok but otherwise he is fine with being friends immediately. I feel maybe I should follow up on that and make it clear what we're doing?)

[Ruby65]

Send him a text saying you've decided you need some time without contact so you can move on. Wish him the best and thank him for understanding.

 

Boom -- you're done! Then go read the NC Guide posted here on this site.

 

Here's another guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

 

Wouldn't it be possible to, after a long period of no contact, be friends again and even possibly be a better match for a relationship, after seeing on other people? To realise that the first person is who you want after seeing all those other people?

 

Yes, it's totally possible.

 

But it's also very possibly never going to happen -- and you have to live your life regardless.

 

Good luck to you!

[aloneinaz]

Wouldn't it be possible to, after a long period of no contact, be friends again and even possibly be a better match for a relationship, after seeing on other people? To realise that the first person is who you want after seeing all those other people?

 

In my 5 decades on ths planet, I've just never seen reconciliations work, especially after very long periods of seperation. I've had several long term relationships where I tried a reconciling. Yes, they are exciting at the begining but all the same issues reappear which leads to the final break up.

 

People change as they grow older. People who were your best friends as kids are no longer people you have anything in common with so the friendship fades and ends. The same things happen in relationships?

[Annie767]

Hey there, sorry you're going through this.

 

Trying to immediately go from lovers to friends with someone you have so much history with is very difficult. Even if the breakup was amicable you need a period of time to break the bonds of 'coupledom'. Feelings don't just go overnight. I've read you hold an ex lover to different standards than a regular friend. Skin is still thin and it's easy to hurt each other, especially if one still holds a flame.

 

So I'd say for your health and sanity, leave that book closed for now and concentrate on what you need to do to improve yourself and improve your life.

 

With an announcement it's advised not to and is generally regretted (especially if you don't get a response) .

 

In an amicable breakup I've just had though we generally agreed to give each other space during our last chat. You'll never fall out of love if you're still in contact.

 

All the best

[Satu]

OP:

 

This should be a period of time where you concentrate on yourself, and take care of yourself.

 

Have a good look at your life, and make some improvements.

 

Make it a nicer life to live.

 

You'll be ok and so will your ex.

[SLee]

To add to the already good advice previously stated:

 

My ex dumped me after 3.5 years, both our first relationship and our first break up.

 

I know the pain you're feeling. I really do. My ex pushed the being friends thing for weeks and still is pushing it. I just can't do it. The ONLY time being friends works is when both parties have moved and neither have feelings for each other. Even then, it's rare.

 

You said you've broken up a few times. You DON'T want to be someone who doesn't want to commit to you. Trying to be friends now is only going to prolong your pain, meanwhile he knows you're still around. HE has all the control in the situation over you and your feelings. My ex did the same thing, I felt powerless and helpless while also being in the emotional thicket of the break up pain.

 

I needed to take the power back. So I did. No contact is for you to heal and to focus on yourself and to learn self love. If this is what he wants, then it has to be real. The whole "let's be friends and maybe reconcile down the line thing" is great for him because he gets to have his cake and eat it too. He gets to do whatever he wants and "explore" and find himself and whatever and you're still there for him. Meanwhile, you give him the support while he sets all these boundaries and you get nothing out of it. You cannot be just friends with someone you have feelings for. It's torture, emotionally.

 

I'm not saying your ex is a bad guy. This is first break up too, if I'm reading correctly. He doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't want to hurt you, but he wants to explore and stuff. Again, that doesn't make him evil, but it IS hurting you and prolonging your pain.

 

He broke up with you, he ended it. He lost you because that's what he chose. So let him actually lose you. You're not going to sit and wait for him. You're going to get on with YOUR life. He doesn't get to have you in his life however HE wants without considering what it does to you, that's NOT a friendship.

 

I have seen reconciliation happen and work, but ONLY when a significant amount of time has passed and when BOTH parties are completely moved on after the break up and the relationship. If you're still around for him and, what he says "getting emotional over the relationship", it's going to make him see you as clingy and needy and he won't respect you and you'll respect yourself less. Don't cling to that hope of reconciliation, it's incredibly painful.

 

You both need time, as you yourself said, so take YOUR time for YOU. Fill your life with things that make you a happy, healthy human being. Focus on school/work, try something new, pick up a hobby, build upon your existing friendships, be with family, talk to people, be out in the world and participate in the world, read a book, whatever you can do. Above all, work on building the future that YOU want for YOURSELF.

 

There are a few reasons dumpers keep dumpees around that I've seen:

 

1. You're comfortable and familiar and it feels natural. They'll miss that connection and comfort otherwise.

2. They're trying to keep you on the back burner in case their next relationships don't work out.

3. They're trying to feel less guilty about hurting you.

4. They're scared of being alone and on their own without your support.

 

In the case of my ex, he let a lot of his friendships fall to the wayside. He still cares about me and wants me in his life, just not as his girlfriend. It might not sound so bad, and most exes aren't bad people (mine isn't even after all the ridiculous crap he pulled), but it doesn't take into account how difficult this is for the person they dumped. In that way, it's purely selfish and is certainly not a friendship.

 

Do what you need to do to grieve, absolutely. Wallow when you need to, but make sure that you're taking action to get better as well. Write out your feelings, talk to your friends/family, keep posting on LS. There's nothing he can do for you at this point.

 

This guy needs to grow up and you both need time alone before either of you can even consider a friendship or anything else in the future.

[rie39]

I'm going through a break up with my ex, he's the one that wanted the break up more than me.

 

I want some insight on his behaviour. I went to his house a few days ago to get back some of my stuff that was still at his house. We hung around and we talked and even laughed together, but at one point he told me about how he went to a gay bar recently and got flirted on by a guy (I think he's bi, by the way). I grabbed my bag and walked away cos I couldn't stand to hear it. He said to me, with a smile, laugh and careless tone: "Ok then, goodbye!". I was struck by this. We could've been saying goodbye for good and that's how he says goodbye? Without a care?

 

I went around to his house again another time to give him back stuff he'd given me that I didn't want anymore. He asked me if I wanted to come into his house or "are you going to go home and cry?" with a smile and laugh but in a bit of an insensitive way. I was hurt again by this. (I didn't end up going in, I went home).

 

I don't understand this carefree, insensitive attitude he's having. Why is he like this?

 

Later we were texting and he seemed angry, saying he wished I didn't give the stuff to him. He said I didn't give back everything including jewellery, I said I want to keep them because they're pretty, he said "cool, have fun", he was acting rude. When I brought up that he was being cold with his texts, he said it's a coping mechanism. He said he does it to the ones he loves and doesn't try to. He got offended when I said I thought all along he didn't care about the break up, he admitted he was struggling a bit too.

 

I'm confused. He gives the impression with the texts that he is struggling with the break up but on the other hand in person he seems to be carefree about it....

 

THEN later he texts me a long, polite text apologising for the breakup, explaining why it happened (he loves me but is not IN love with me) and saying it's not the fault of either of us and we should stay friends?

 

I want to understand if him acting a bit like a jerk is just because he is struggling with the breakup, or if his true colours are showing.

Edited May 18, 2015 by rie39

[SLee]

He's probably struggling in some way. People who are emotionally upset and are also immature sometimes lash out that way to get a rise out of people.

 

He's probably a really immature, insecure, emotional mess. The logic makes no sense but if I'm reading into this at least somewhat correctly: He's struggling with the break up, puts on a brave face when he has to see you but can't back it up with any emotional strength so he lashes out. He's acting like a child.

 

I mean REALLY? Being cold to people you care about as a coping mechanism!? What in the world. This guy has some major issues.

 

DON'T stay friends with this guy. He's in no place for a friendship with you, and you may not be either. He's showing that he can't handle a hard situation with respect, maturity, and dignity. I would cut him off. You don't need that in your life and you don't deserve it.

[quattrob]

There's no point in trying to "understand" your ex.. it seems you are having a tough time accepting the break up and understanding what is best for "yourself".

 

TC I know it's hard but you are only trying to understand his behavior because you still are hoping that you guys can be together again. You want to know if what how he's treating you would mean hope of him changing his mind. Sorry to say this relationship is over and the sooner you do what is best for yourself (go LC into NC) the better it is for both of you.

 

If you keep seeing/contacting him, you'd start overthinking things like how you are now asking these kinds of questions (questions that don't mean anything and doesn't do you any good). All you need to know is this guy gave up on you and the relationship, he doesn't want to be with you anymore and being "friends" is a way for him to feel less guilty and perhaps keep you as a backup. If you are fine with that, by all means keep being friends with him, but I guarantee you're going to get hurt even more if you choose this path. Good luck TC.

[rie39]

With an announcement it's advised not to and is generally regretted (especially if you don't get a response) .

All the best

 

You're suggesting to not even tell him I want a break, just leave it where it is? But what if he thinks we're still going down the "we're still friends" road?

[Moley87]

You're suggesting to not even tell him I want a break, just leave it where it is? But what if he thinks we're still going down the "we're still friends" road?

 

 

It's totally up to you if you kindly advise you want to go no contact, personally I did txt the ex and say it's now time I cut contact to focus on me

 

 

She replied with Fine , so read into that how you like but once you've decided to go no contact stick to it.

 

 

Personally I tried the friend thing doesn't work, I always looked at her more then a friend and I think the amicable and respectful decision is to accept the relationship is over and respect her as well.

 

 

However relationship ended so does the contact.

[d0nnivain]

Wouldn't it be possible to, after a long period of no contact, be friends again and even possibly be a better match for a relationship, after seeing on other people? To realise that the first person is who you want after seeing all those other people?

 

After long periods of NC friendship may be possible. At my 25th HS reunion my husband became friendly with my HS BF & now the two couples (me & DH and HS BF & his DW) go out once in a while.

 

Almost 20 years after the break up I did a work project with my grad school BF.

 

When those kinds of decades pass you realize the children you both were then would not make a good couple as adults.

 

There is no need to announce that you are going NC. You just fade away. His pronouncement that you two will remain friends was the oldest white lie out there. You can't talk deeply. You won't hang out. As soon as one of you meets somebody new that new person is going to demand that all ties be severed. There is no meaningful friendship.

[dyna85]

I would go full board NC if I were you. He said he's not 'in love' with you so why keep torturing yourself with continued contact? That is the epitome of 'the end' in my eyes. I wouldn't waste another second trying to sift through the confusion with him. It's time to do you.

 

It's in your best interest to stop going over his house to deliver extra things. If you have anything else you want to give back, do it once more and be done with it. Time to start the moving on process. Time to start caring about YOU and stop trying to analyze your ex. Who knows what's going on in his mind and who cares. He ditched you. So ditch him. Say adios and get moving.

[d0nnivain]

Why he's acting like this doesn't matter. What matters is none of means he wants to get back together.

 

You can't be friends with this guy. Stop trying.

[Satu]

What he thinks and does doesn't matter now. You don't need to understand him.

 

What matters is what you think and do. You need to understand yourself.

 

Leave him to understand himself.

[rie39]

Then go read the NC Guide posted here on this site.

 

Here's another guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

 

By the way, thanks for sending me that link. I'm reading it and it's impressive, it's spot on and I feel it will be a good friend during the break up process. I have yet to also look up the NC guide on this site

[Holmes85]

Just broken up. Should we stay friends or have no contact?

 

rie39,

 

You have to think like this : It didn't workout when you gave it your best shot at being boyfriend and girlfriend, what makes you think that it will work out as friends?

 

Seriously, cut him off, go no contact and take as long as you need to heal and then bounce back. By the time he realizes he's in a train-wreck, he would be getting in touch with you again and by the time it happens, I seriously hope you don't take him back and stand your ground and hopefully have someone who wants to settle for you and isn't looking left and right and saying "meh, she's my first, I think I can do better, but hey if it didn't work out with other flings, I'll come back to you sweetheart".

 

 

 

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Trust me when I say that after 3 years he is not just going to forget about you.

 

I realize that, with how all over the place I have been with NC in my case, I may not be the best to give advice. I'll just speak from experience.

 

There's no way that this guy is going to forget about you if you go NC, but if you're really worried about that, try explaining that you feel you two should take a little break as friends while you both decide what you want. Guys DO like to explore their options (hell, my ex is currently doing that, but also gets angry at the thought of me with other guys even though he broke it off), but as the old cliche goes: if it's meant to be, he'll come back. Otherwise, you don't WANT to be with someone who is unsure about you. Give him a taste of what life is like without you, but don't just cut him off without explaining that or he may think you're not interested anymore.

 

In the meantime, also don't give him the idea that you'll just wait around for him. Explore YOUR options as well. He will probably get annoyed, but let him.

 

Don't let the opinions of others sway what you want to do. If you want to remain friends, do so, but he also needs a chance to "miss you". If you two were each others' firsts, it may be beneficial to both of you to explore the dating scene and see if it leads back to each other.

 

It's your choice. Just be warned that, if you're friends, you may have to hear about new women who come into his life, and that may be difficult for you.

 

It took me 3 weeks to come to this realization. I wanted to try to be friends with my ex and attempt to win his affections back. It took less than a week of NC at one point and he was hunting me down while we were at the bar and accusing me of seeing other people. But it took me up until yesterday to realize that I needed to focus on ME, and let him make his own decisions. It will make you feel better to focus on yourself for awhile and don't just do it for him. Do it for you.

[rie39]

 

Don't let the opinions of others sway what you want to do. If you want to remain friends, do so, but he also needs a chance to "miss you". If you two were each others' firsts, it may be beneficial to both of you to explore the dating scene and see if it leads back to each other.

 

It's your choice. Just be warned that, if you're friends, you may have to hear about new women who come into his life, and that may be difficult for you.

 

It took me 3 weeks to come to this realization. I wanted to try to be friends with my ex and attempt to win his affections back. It took less than a week of NC at one point and he was hunting me down while we were at the bar and accusing me of seeing other people. But it took me up until yesterday to realize that I needed to focus on ME, and let him make his own decisions. It will make you feel better to focus on yourself for awhile and don't just do it for him. Do it for you.

 

Hi, I really feel I agree to what you're saying here. I know this may go against a lot of other people's advice, but I have decided that instead of going full NC I'm going to keep not texting him but while still being "friends" with him. If I know he's absolutely not there, it makes me more inclined to text him and I don't want that, but it's easier for me to move on if he is kind of there, if that makes sense? I do have to think of what makes me happy and I feel this is the best way for ME to wean off him.

 

There's no way that this guy is going to forget about you if you go NC, but if you're really worried about that, try explaining that you feel you two should take a little break as friends while you both decide what you want. Guys DO like to explore their options (hell, my ex is currently doing that, but also gets angry at the thought of me with other guys even though he broke it off), but as the old cliche goes: if it's meant to be, he'll come back. Otherwise, you don't WANT to be with someone who is unsure about you. Give him a taste of what life is like without you, but don't just cut him off without explaining that or he may think you're not interested anymore.

 

In the meantime, also don't give him the idea that you'll just wait around for him. Explore YOUR options as well. He will probably get annoyed, but let him.

 

Do you recommend that I text him to confirm that we are "taking a little break" and that I need to think about what I want, or just continue with this not-texting-him thing I'm doing?

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Hi, I really feel I agree to what you're saying here. I know this may go against a lot of other people's advice, but I have decided that instead of going full NC I'm going to keep not texting him but while still being "friends" with him. If I know he's absolutely not there, it makes me more inclined to text him and I don't want that, but it's easier for me to move on if he is kind of there, if that makes sense? I do have to think of what makes me happy and I feel this is the best way for ME to wean off him.

 

 

 

Do you recommend that I text him to confirm that we are "taking a little break" and that I need to think about what I want, or just continue with this not-texting-him thing I'm doing?

 

I would let him know that you need some time to process your feelings, and that in order to accomplish that you think it would be best if y'all took a break from seeing or speaking to each other for awhile. I'd be sure to make it clear that you still care, but not in a desperate way that makes him think you'll wait around for him.

 

I personally felt this approach was much better for me instead up just cutting him off without saying anything. I know the guilt of doing that would make me even more weak and feel like I have to break NC to explain myself, so I let my ex know I had to stop talking to him for the time being while I heal. It made him a little upset but it's what I had to do.