candie13 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 the last relationship I came out of made me realize the importance of a sound emotional connection - to me, at least. so I thought about this thread: share those experiences when you've realized that your partner loves you (has real feelings for you). And the contrary - when you've realized that your partner actually doesn't love you. Obviously, I'm more interested in how you've realized that there is no love connection, but beautiful stories are equally welcomed. share your stories, people ! cheers
Haydn Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 I realised my GF loved me long before we were together and i had some very strong feelings but was happy with our brilliant friendship. I was still emerging from the wreckage of a toxic and dangerous RS. So i was not in the right place to make it work. But now i feel the emotions just glow off her. For me, you just feel it. 1
lana-banana Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 My last boyfriend was tall, dark, handsome, rich, not that intelligent, horrible kisser, dull. After two dates I knew he wasn't the one for me and I prepared to break it off, but when we finally met up in person I just didn't have the nerve. Instead of recognizing myself as a coward I did some incredible mental machinations: my gut tells me he's not right, but last time my gut told me the guy was right and he shattered my heart into a thousand tiny pieces, so what does my gut know? He's still hot and has most of the things I want in a guy! I should give him another chance. So the relationship that should have ended after two dates went on for nearly a year. I remained in steadfast denial the entire time, telling myself that this guy really was great and had almost everything I wanted, so why shouldn't I be happy? I went to great lengths to remind myself of his good qualities every time we were together, and I resolutely ignored the queasy feeling in my chest every time he talked about our future together. There were a couple of moments where my heart finally hit hard against the wall of denial my mind had set up. At one point it occurred to me I wouldn't cry at our hypothetical wedding, which to me seemed gravely upsetting. Shouldn't I be overcome with emotion---if not at the wedding itself, at least at the realization that I was finally marrying my true love? I felt more passionate about my tax return. Another time was when we were out to dinner with his wonderful parents, who obviously still loved each other and had a great relationship after nearly thirty years. I remember admiring them and then looking at my boyfriend and feeling a cold sense of dread. Oh God, I thought, is this it? I ended it shortly afterwards, although it was the realization of my feelings for someone else that gave me the final push. I wasn't really thinking about being with the other person; but the discovery that I was still capable of such strong feelings. I had never felt that way about the guy I was dating and it just wasn't fair to him or me. He deserved better than someone who had to talk herself into kissing him. 1
guest569 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 I think i knew throughout the whole relationship that he didn't love me.. I probably convinced myself that he might, and certainly hoped and was expecting it to happen. I was kidding myself too, pretending my feelings weren't strong to protect myself. We never used the L word and when he broke up with me he told me he didn't love me, thats when I knew for sure. Pretty stupid huh? In hindsight i probably should have acknowledge my feelings earlier on and gotten it out in the open so we could get it over with.
Author candie13 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 I think i knew throughout the whole relationship that he didn't love me.. I probably convinced myself that he might, and certainly hoped and was expecting it to happen. I was kidding myself too, pretending my feelings weren't strong to protect myself. We never used the L word and when he broke up with me he told me he didn't love me, thats when I knew for sure. Pretty stupid huh? In hindsight i probably should have acknowledge my feelings earlier on and gotten it out in the open so we could get it over with. should have, could have, would have. we all need to learn to forgive ourself for the mistakes we did when we didn't know any better. You needed emotions and you went for it. Now you know better. Next time you will do better, I am sure.
Author candie13 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 hey smiley1, wanna know something funny? My ex was telling me how he sees in the near future a baby with me, yet I am almost certain he didn't love me. I found out only because I've followed my guts and I was incredibly lucky. Imagine that... almost all women would imagine that a guy who includes a woman in his life, family and wants to have her babies would be inlove... wroooong . Left without blinking his eyes, when I've broken it off. Your ex was honest in his actions and feelings. That is rare. I imagine that this is not what you may want to hear, just sayin'... 1
Els Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 (edited) I truly realized he loved me during the long-distance part of our R. As a student surviving on a meagre allowance, he scrimped and saved up enough to take an international flight to see me. He spent his entire holiday period with me, before he went back upon the start of the next semester - and did it again the following year, and again. He stayed by my side through a series of rather unfortunate circumstances - illness, poverty, immigration issues, family issues, etc. On the other end of the spectrum, there was an ex who couldn't be arsed to prioritize me despite the circumstances being so easy for us - but I can't tell when the exact 'aha!' moment there was. It was probably a cumulative lack of effort that eventually broke the camel's back and made me realize that he didn't truly love me, I was just someone whom he liked hanging out with. Edited May 17, 2015 by Elswyth 2
Author candie13 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 bless you, Els, indeed your bf loves you because not only does he say it, but he proves it by sticking by your side and making the efforts, not just talking the talk as for your ex, there are so many shades of grey out there and it's so easy to convince ourselves by our partner's potential involvement, especially when we desperately need love and affection. But like Haydn put it so clearly, when our partner loves us, we just know. We feel it. We're wired that way. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 I can tell you when I fell in love with DH & it was very quick. I'd been dating him for about 6 weeks. We had recently become intimate. I got a phone call that my EX had died. I was devastated because it was so sudden. I didn't want him back but I did want him to be alive. Anyway, in my grief I forgot to call & cancel my date. When DH arrived to pick me up I was still sprawled out on my living room floor in my PJs sobbing. I had to explain why. He picked me up, pulled me into his arms & said "I'd be more concerned if you weren't upset after somebody you loved died. I have strong arms & broad shoulders. Feel free to cry all over me." I truly believed he loved me about 2 months later. Something embarrassing happened but it brought us together. 1
writergal Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 hey smiley1, wanna know something funny? My ex was telling me how he sees in the near future a baby with me, yet I am almost certain he didn't love me. I found out only because I've followed my guts and I was incredibly lucky. Imagine that... almost all women would imagine that a guy who includes a woman in his life, family and wants to have her babies would be inlove... wroooong . Left without blinking his eyes, when I've broken it off. Your ex was honest in his actions and feelings. That is rare. I imagine that this is not what you may want to hear, just sayin'... I dated the exact same guy as your ex, candie13. My ex is cut from the same cloth, made from the same mold. He said the exact same things to me that your ex told you. He never loved me either although he said he did. I was just a placeholder for him at that point in his life. One of a few placeholders actually. Be grateful that you're no longer with your ex. Actions vs. words. I'll take actions every time. Words mean nothing to me without the actions as proof. 1
katiegrl Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 I think the first time I REALLY knew my bf truly loved me was when he missed work to take care of me when I got really sick. About six months into our relationship. I didn't want him to...but he insisted. Spent most of the day placing cold compresses on my forehead, holding my hair back while I was vomiting (apologies for the visual), even lay in bed with me most of the day. Went to grocery to pick up ginger ale, made me home-made soup, etc. I KNEW after that he was KEEPER......:) 1
Author candie13 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 I dated the exact same guy as your ex, candie13. My ex is cut from the same cloth, made from the same mold. He said the exact same things to me that your ex told you. He never loved me either although he said he did. I was just a placeholder for him at that point in his life. One of a few placeholders actually. Be grateful that you're no longer with your ex. Actions vs. words. I'll take actions every time. Words mean nothing to me without the actions as proof. how do you know he didn't love you? if he would have told me that, it would have been much harder for me to see through all these details. I absolutely understand about the placeholder. The previous girl he saw before me had his keys and was equally introduced to his dad. And I am not sure, but the one before too, I think. As days go by, little details come back to me - such as for instance, the fact that he wanted to spend a lot of time with me. Like 4 nights per week... I do believe he was getting closer or maybe it was just his dependency on wanting to have a person around the house. a RS dependent grown man, in a world filled with RS avoiding men. I must be really lucky to find myself just that, haha !
writergal Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 how do you know he didn't love you? if he would have told me that, it would have been much harder for me to see through all these details. I absolutely understand about the placeholder. The previous girl he saw before me had his keys and was equally introduced to his dad. And I am not sure, but the one before too, I think. As days go by, little details come back to me - such as for instance, the fact that he wanted to spend a lot of time with me. Like 4 nights per week... I do believe he was getting closer or maybe it was just his dependency on wanting to have a person around the house. a RS dependent grown man, in a world filled with RS avoiding men. I must be really lucky to find myself just that, haha ! Oh candie13, I knew he didn't love me based on his actions. And uh, the fact that he was cheating on me was the biggest evidence that he didn't love me. Before I found that out though, there were incidents that showed me he didn't love me. It could have been his fear of being alone as the reason why your ex wanted you around so much. That's common with a lot of lonely, insecure men. Chalk it up to a learning experience. I will never forget how awful my ex was to me. That's why I won't put up with b.s. from men once I sense that's what's happening to me. I don't have time for games anymore.
gaius Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 When she was out of state to see her sick brother for an extended period of time, and I decided to fly down and see her for a few days. After spending a good 12 hours delayed at the airport due to a blizzard the previous day, I finally got out on the last flight of the day. Only to get bitched at when I landed that it was too late in the evening for her to come pick me up like she had offered to. Even though she had nothing to do the next day. We would have broken up right there and then if it wasn't for her calling me back a few minutes later with some epic sweet talking, but that was probably the day I figured it out. 1
Author candie13 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 it's quite touching, what you did, gaius. but indeed, situations like these make us become aware of what the reality is, where we really are - with our feelings, with our relationship and with all the efforts we are investing in that relationship. The good ol' cold shower called reality check.
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