Need input on whether my H should try and stay at his job or take another one!

[Mapper71]

Quick background. My husband got a third and final CAM (Corrective Action Memo) in a year at his job due to a miscommunication between him and his manager. He took a leave of absence to go into alcohol rehab for 2 weeks. His manager said he was okayed to do so but then some paperwork wasn't filled out and the blame was put on my husband even though his manager admitted that he okayed the leave but the next level manager and HR aren't approving the absence. He continued to work for a couple of weeks upon his return allowing the paperwork to go through and for someone to approach him with an ultimatum. He had an email written up ready to be sent to several people, including the union, on why he is being unfairly fired. They approached him last Thursday and asked him to turn in the paperwork. He didn't go into work on Friday and thinks it will take them a week to tell him he either has the option to quit, get fired, or admit that he has an alcohol problem and go back into treatment for the full 3 weeks, do 8 weeks of outpatient and then be on drug free workplace for 3 years where they will randomly urine test him, but with that last option he gets to keep his job. I don't understand why, if he goes through the same treatment he just went through he can keep his job. It has nothing to do with the screwing up of paperwork. If he quits, he can immediately reapply for a job and will most likely get one via the union but his pay will go down from the current $38/hr down to where he started at $15/hr. If he gets fired, the union says they can MOST likely get him reinstated due to unfair firing and he can get right back into his same position with the same pay. It's not guaranteed, but they say it's PROBABLE.

 

Well 2 days ago he got a response from another job he applied for. The job he applied for was a mechanic for a motorcycle shop, but after they saw his resume they thought he would be great at a higher up position of heading up the entire dept and dealing with customers (he has a sales background) and he could work on motorcycles too if he wished. He says he is expecting an offer from them next week. This job would be something he loves and is passionate about and he would enjoy going to his job, BUT it would only be about $20/hr with commission and no benefits but a good possibility of moving up. No retirement fund, no paid vacation, no medical/dental benefits. He'd work in a small shop with people who share his passion.

If he took the latter job without benefits then we'd have to switch over to my work benefits which are ridiculously expensive. Right now we are on his benefits and he pays $0 for dental for us and only $79/month to cover our medical. If we went to mine it would be $50/month for dental and a whopping $470/month for medical! So my paycheck would be that much less a month and he'd be bringing home much, much less. I have to pay practically all the bills as it is because he gets so anxious about his job that half the time he doesn't go in but gets away with it due to FMLA. If he'd actually go to his job on a regular basis, he'd bring home a great paycheck.

 

He was so pumped about this possible new job yesterday and was in the mindset that he was going to go into work on Monday and quit. He'd have the option to rehire into the company if all else failed, but it would be at $15/hr which is a horrible rate and he'd have to work there another 7 years to get back up to what he is making now, but he'd have benefits. However now he is seriously considering going to rehab again and doing the outpatient stuff and deal with three years of random pee tests and just sucking it up and staying there because the money is too good to leave. But what good is that going to do when he hates his job and gets anxiety attacks going there? If he's going to go through all that and then skip out on work for weeks at a time he mine as well be at a $20 job doing what he likes. But once again, no benefits and we'd have to go to mine. He's also considering just waiting until he's fired and then hopefully get reinstated by the union at $38/hr, but there's no guarantee that will happen and then he'd also have the shame of being fired.

 

I realize that him staying where he is is probably best if we want to live comfortably. He has so much credit card debt and student loans that he has a hard enough time keeping up with payments as it is now so how would he ever be able to pay those at a much less paying job? But I hate the thought of him getting these anxiety attacks going to work at that job and just reverting back to taking days/weeks off at a time without pay and regretting staying there. I was on a 1 year contract job at a company that I hated. I got anxiety about going in, but was able to get through it because I knew there was an end date so I know what he's feeling. Or do we chance it and have him take this new job, I take a big chunk out of my paycheck for medical coverage and he's happy at his job and there's no stress on him to go in and I'm not stressed everyday wondering if he'll be going in?

 

I'm so stressed about this right now!

[MuddyFootprints]

Ultimately, the final decision should be his. Personally, I couldn't encourage my spouse to sell his soul for a bigger paycheque.

[CarrieT]

My husband got a third and final CAM (Corrective Action Memo) in a year at his job due to a miscommunication between him and his manager.

Based on your previous stories of how many days he just didn't bother to go to work at all, I seriously doubt the CAM is due to "miscommunication" but because they are tired of carrying his ass when he is unproductive. The whole line about a paperwork SNAFU is probably just that: A mere excuse to wanting him out of there.

 

Or do we chance it and have him take this new job, I take a big chunk out of my paycheck for medical coverage and he's happy at his job and there's no stress on him to go in and I'm not stressed everyday wondering if he'll be going in?

It is his decision. Let him do a job he might actually do instead of making excuses and lying around NOT doing anything to give you more cause to complain about his inabilities and shortcomings.

[whichwayisup]

Could he truly handle this new job and position? It seems it doesn't take much to stress out your husband and then he calls in sick often. Throw in the fact that is newly out of a 2 week stint from rehab, he may not really be ready for so much change and new routines, responsibility etc. Tell him to take time and weigh the pros/cons here and not just jump in too quickly.

[Babs22]

Wow, with all those factors, I think anyone would be stressed. But first and foremost, it sounds like your husband has a drinking problem. If he doesn't get that under control, your problems will only continue. I think him getting that under control should be your and his first priority. You said that he went to a 2 week program. That will not fix the problem. He needs to continue to go to weekly meetings, get a sponsor, etc. I think his job realizes this needs more than a 2 week program. That is why they might be willing to keep him if he will, "admit that he has an alcohol problem and go back into treatment for the full 3 weeks, do 8 weeks of outpatient and then be on drug free workplace for 3 years where they will randomly urine test him." My brother was a functioning alcoholic, until he couldn't function anymore. He held it together for a long time, but then it got so out of control he lost just about everything. He finally did get sober, but it took an intensive program and many AA meetings. If he can get that program through his current employment, he might want to consider doing that.

 

You say, he hates his job, it causes him anxiety, so maybe staying is not an option. He may want to see a doctor about his anxiety. Maybe he has anxiety issues and that is partly why he drinks, self-medicating. This problem may continue in whatever job he has when he realizes the stress involved in each. He may go work for the motorcycle place but run into similar problems. Also you said, "He says he is expecting an offer from them next week." But then you said, "He was so pumped about this possible new job yesterday and was in the mindset that he was going to go into work on Monday and quit." It is never a good idea to quit one job without having an offer from another.

 

"However now he is seriously considering going to rehab again and doing the outpatient stuff and deal with three years of random pee tests and just sucking it up and staying there because the money is too good to leave." This sounds like he was being a little more realistic. Maybe he was actually realizing he might need help with his alcoholism or maybe he was thinking about money, either way more realistic.

 

If he takes a lower paying job without benefits, he may be less stressed or he may be more. Being financially strapped is very stressful for both of you. It sounds like you are having difficulty paying the bills now, what will happen if your pay and his pay are both reduced?

 

There are no easy answers here. I would do the math and see what you might actually have to be living on. But I would most importantly try to make sure that he deals with his alcohol problem. Having weekly urine tests is not the worst idea. It keeps him accountable. You may need to attend some Al-anon meetings to help you help him and yourself. I watched my brother slowly lose everything, his marriage, his jobs, his home. This happened over a period of 20 years before he got the help he needed. I really hope your husband gets the help he needs and it sticks. My brother had to hit rock bottom before he was able to want and get the help he needed. The fact that your husband went to one treatment program is a good sign that he recognizes the problem. His alcoholism is effecting every aspect of his life, so just switching jobs might not be the answer. Again, he may need to speak to a doctor and a counselor about his anxiety issues. That could be at the root of his drinking problem, so that needs to be dealt with.

[Art_Critic]

Changing jobs isn't going to make his alcoholism go away so that will need to be dealt with. His wife.. Meaning you needs to go to alanon stat.. It's obvious to me in your writing that you are enabling his drinking behavior and you need to learn to recognize your own codependance on the alcoholic and take back your own life as well as he needs to go into rehab.. The post you wrote is full of excuses for his alcolihic behavior that you are making to cover up his problem.

 

Personally I would wait and see what happens.. A sympathetic employer who is willing to set aside some time so he can deal with his alcohol problem might be a better alternative than starting with a new employer and then waiting six months till they figure out that he has a drinking problem and then firing him.

 

I know you wrote this thread looking for a different type of advice than I can render, as an alcoholic myself with almost 28 years of sobriety I can't ignore what is glaringly obvious to me, even though you can't see it yet.

 

Good luck

[Mapper71]

Yes, I believe he would be very good in this position. He always was good at sales. I think he needs to be in a position with some authority to feel good about himself and he's not in that position where he currently is. The option to call in sick all the time would be gone as well since there is no FMLA there and if he did that more than a few times he'd be fired, but I don't think he would do that anyways because he'd be working at something he's passionate about and he'd feel like he'd need to show his face everyday because he's important.

 

As far as the alcohol goes, his current employer never had any idea he drank as much as he did because it wasn't drinking that kept him from work, it was anxiety about what kind of BS he was going to have to deal with that day. He was online this weekend playing a video game with one of his friends who works at the same place he does, but another shift. They have this team speak so I can hear them talking to each other. This guy told him that a 25 year veteran of this place that they both have worked with had 2 prior attendance issues and, like my husband, if you get a third in a year you get canned. This guy was off a day last week thinking he had enough time to cover it. When he came back to work, they told him he went 18 minutes over on his time off and that was enough to get him fired! 18 minutes for a 25 year veteran! Really?? I can't imagine working in a place like this where you can't even say it was an honest mistake and that you are just villified for such things and worthy of being fired. Nobody at work told my husband he needed to go into treatment, it was decided on his own. He has been doing fantastic since getting out. He has not had a drop of liquor and says he doesn't even really think about drinking anymore and is perfectly happy drinking water and tea and coffee. As long as he doesn't put himself into a situation where he's around a bunch of others drinking, I think he will be fine.

 

He still isn't sure what he is going to do. He is going to call employee assistance today and ask them a bunch of financial questions and then call the union business rep and talk to her about whether he quits or gets fired and what his options are for coming back to the company if he decides to do that. He is also going to call this new place and talk to the guy and make sure that they are seriously considering him, which I'm pretty sure they are. He could work at this new place for the summer and see how it goes and if it isn't working out then he can immediately get hired back at his current job (at least that is what the union says), but at less pay. That would suck, but he'd have his benefits back again. He still hasn't ruled out going back to rehab and keeping his job. While rehab can't hurt, he just went through that and he's doing fine now and if he goes back in he'll just have to rehash every single thing he talked about last time. Plus, I don't even know if insurance will pay for that again. It only paid for 14 days before and I KNOW it won't pay for up to 21 days nor do I know if it will even pay for another 14 days this soon after the first time. You know, that could be a thousands of out-of-pocket dollars for him to go there. That certainly won't benefit us moneywise when we are already kind of cash strapped.

Edited May 18, 2015 by Mapper71

[Diezel]

So, if he gets a new lower paying job, have you considered looking to upgrade yours?

[Mapper71]

No I don't plan on leaving my job. I work in a very niche market and most likely wouldn't find anything in my field. I love my coworkers and the work and the environment. He wouldn't want me to leave my job either because of my fantastic perks. I have my own self-run business on the side as well and do occasional work that probably adds another $5000/year to my earnings. I could make more if I really worked at it, but I don't have the time with a full time job.

[Rejected Rosebud]

As far as the alcohol goes, his current employer never had any idea he drank as much as he did because it wasn't drinking that kept him from work,

it was alcoholism that is keeping him from working probably even though it's not because of the actual drinking part, it's a disease and people in the middle of it usually screw up their lives in all kinds of ways!! Sorry but I predict that he will fail in any work situation he gets into unless he and you deal with this first.

[Mapper71]

Yes I realize that this will be with him for the rest of his life, but he has always been much happier working in a small company, as am I. People know you and you aren't just a face in the crowd. You feel valued and I think this is what he's lacking. Going to a job you hate will suck the life right out of you. Never knowing when a coworker will turn on you and find any reason to rat you out or pick a fight is not a way to live. I know there are a lot of people at his current company that are just there due to the "golden handcuffs" and are absolutely miserable but just think how great things will be when they get all the retirement benefits.

[MJJean]

Yes I realize that this will be with him for the rest of his life, but he has always been much happier working in a small company, as am I. People know you and you aren't just a face in the crowd. You feel valued and I think this is what he's lacking. Going to a job you hate will suck the life right out of you. Never knowing when a coworker will turn on you and find any reason to rat you out or pick a fight is not a way to live. I know there are a lot of people at his current company that are just there due to the "golden handcuffs" and are absolutely miserable but just think how great things will be when they get all the retirement benefits.

 

I know more people who hate their jobs than I know who love their jobs by a large margin. Most of the people I know work high stress positions where actual lives are in their hands. They suck it up and go to work every day they are scheduled and work.

 

The job isn't the problem. The problem is that your husband has some psychological issues that have lead him to high debt and alcoholism. And rehab isn't likely to help if it's a "traditional" rehab program.

 

The pseudo-science of Alcoholics Anonymous: There?s a better way to treat addiction - Salon.com

 

The Rehab Racket: The Way We Treat Addiction Is a Costly, Dangerous Mess | Mother Jones

 

If it were me, I'd analyze his capability with and without the help of a psychiatrist. If he can continue to work for this company and pay down his debt while paying the bills, then I'd ask him to continue doing that while in treatment. If he cannot, then I'd encourage him to take the lower paying job that he actually can handle, have him in treatment anyways, and seriously slash the monthly spending to the bare bones (no eating out, no new games or salon visits, buy used, budget meals, DIY yard and home work/repairs, etc) to cover healthcare costs and pay down his debt.

[Mapper71]

I'd HATE to work where he works. It's a horrible place with horrible people. Not everyone, but a good chunk of them.

[Babs22]

it was alcoholism that is keeping him from working probably even though it's not because of the actual drinking part, it's a disease and people in the middle of it usually screw up their lives in all kinds of ways!! Sorry but I predict that he will fail in any work situation he gets into unless he and you deal with this first.

 

Mapper71, Read what Rosebud said. This is very true. My brother went through so many jobs, but never dealt with his alcoholism. He finally lost his job for good and there were no more to be had. You can blame the people he works with, you can blame his job, but I predict that changing jobs will not ultimately end this.

 

Al-anon is a free organization. You have nothing to lose by going to a few of their meetings. I believe the alcoholism is a bigger problem than you are willing to see or admit. Possibly if you attend some meetings you will learn what it means to be in married to an alcoholic.

 

I am glad he is currently doing well. My brother went through all kinds of spurts when he was doing well. Unfortunately he always ended up drinking again. It only takes one drink to start him down that road again, one drink. If he is not going to meetings at least weekly, it will be very hard for him to keep his sobriety. You cannot just say he is doing well now and all he has to do is stay away from other people when they are drinking. That won't work, unfortunately, its just not that simple. Please consider attending some Al-anon meetings.

[MJJean]

I'd HATE to work where he works. It's a horrible place with horrible people. Not everyone, but a good chunk of them.

 

So? The point is that he is supposed to be an adult and that adults have to do things they don't like to do because they are necessary. It doesn't matter what the people he works with are like. He's not there to socialize. He's there to work.

 

And, again, how much of the problem with his superiors and co-workers is directly caused by his behavior?

 

If I was working with a guy who was chock full of excuses and took copious amounts of time off while the rest of us were actually working, I'd be inclined to think of that guy as a joke, an insult, and I'd probably be less than nice to him, too!

 

If my workload was even slightly increased because Mr. Mapper71 was off yet again, I'd be doing everything in my power to get him fired or make him want to leave just so we could get someone else in his position that would actually, you know, come to work and work!

 

Stop making excuses for what you know is problem behavior from your husband. It's not the company or the employees. It's him.

 

The alcoholism is like the problems at his job. It's a symptom of psychological problems. Until those issues are dealt with nothing will change except maybe the name of the company he can't function at.

Edited May 19, 2015 by MJJean