How to end 3+ A with MM? Help!

[Grapesofwrath]

Hi Jellybean, His W does know, he confessed that he had been unfaithful but i believe, and i wouldn't put it past him, he made it out to be a one time thing rather than a 3+ year full blown out A. He is quite the manipulator in so far as saying just enough to get what he wants without telling the whole truth. I've caught on to this recently, it's quite sad really. I am not hoping he will fight for me. Honestly 8/9 months ago i did hope that, but not now. i can honestly say i do not want that. the veil has been lifted and i clearly see what the dynamics of this A were and how it was doomed from the beginning......of course back then i didn't see squat! thank you for your message.

 

With master manipulator like this, it's important to remember that manipulation is a modus operandi that exists in every relationship. It's a very safe bet that he is verbally and emotionally abusive toward his W, also. Lord only knows what he said when "confessing" his A, if that is in fact what happened. He does not reserve his vitriolic, abusive crap just for you. This is how he relates to people, especially those with whom he is intimate. So trust me when I tell you: He abuses and manipulates his W, too.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Seems like you have a good grasp on everything.

 

Keep listening to your head.

[autumnnight]

You are getting good advice. If you do actually talk to him, have an out so that you do not have to talk long. I would suggest having someone if not with you, then at least in the same place.

 

I have experienced this kind of person one time in my life. When things do not go the way they want, they do not respond well. I'd have your numbers, passwords, email, etc ready to be changed. I would also be vigilant, and document any further attempts to contact you after "the talk."

 

The fact that a man who is cheating on his wife got upset that YOU were unfaithful just blows my mind. The fact the he wanted you to feel his pain and wanted to see the look on your face, etc. Honestly, I question everything he has told you. And texts between him and his wife? All he would have to do is use a free texting app and pretend to be both parties.

 

Please leave this man behind and please take good care of yourself.

[autumnnight]

I hate to post back to back, but if you are really fearful of him outing you, I have a suggestion. It will take courage, but it is the best way to deal with a coward who threatens.

 

Get together any evidence you have of his relationship with you, along with messages, texts between him and his wife he showed you, etc. Then (and I know you'll think this is crazy) sit down with your close family, and tell them you want to talk with them. Tell them the story. Not every gory detail of course, but tell them. Tell them your part, tell them of his manipulation. Tel them you have deep regrets and are getting out. Just spill the beans.

 

See, people like this use fear and blackmail and manipulation. They think that your fear of being discovered if their biggest playing card. If YOU take that card away by coming out in the open to the people who deserve to know (and that point is important, you don't owe everyone the story), you have taken away a good bit of his twisted power.

 

He'll manage to get a few gullible, dysfunctional saps on his side...but who cares, in the long run? You'll have your dignity back.

[KissofGrace]

With master manipulator like this, it's important to remember that manipulation is a modus operandi that exists in every relationship. It's a very safe bet that he is verbally and emotionally abusive toward his W, also. Lord only knows what he said when "confessing" his A, if that is in fact what happened. He does not reserve his vitriolic, abusive crap just for you. This is how he relates to people, especially those with whom he is intimate. So trust me when I tell you: He abuses and manipulates his W, too.

 

oh' i believe now that he is verbally and emotionally abusing her. again, looking back i am seeing so much that my heart would no allow my eyes to see. he has told me things he's said to her and i just blew them off. in all honestly it was what i wanted to hear because then it would all look better for me, in my favor. such a twisted and sick way of how i saw things.... however i am thankful that i have been able to see all that was always there and i ignored, willfully. you are right, i'm not sure that he told her about the A, he told me he did...and i of course believed him...WOW such a revelation....seriously this forum is helping to open my eyes even further. i actually feel sorry for her, is this normal? or is this me trying to sympathize with her indirectly. i have to stay focused on me, my well being and my spiritual life and relationship with God. i know i will be fine, though obviously time will be the essence.Thank you again!

[KissofGrace]

Seems like you have a good grasp on everything.

 

Keep listening to your head.

Alwaysgrowing---thank you, i am definitely making an effort. this forum has helped me. litening to my head is what i should've done from the beginning, but i listened to my heart instead and i can imagine most people do and that is why we are here.... continued growth to all.

[KissofGrace]

You are getting good advice. If you do actually talk to him, have an out so that you do not have to talk long. I would suggest having someone if not with you, then at least in the same place.

 

I have experienced this kind of person one time in my life. When things do not go the way they want, they do not respond well. I'd have your numbers, passwords, email, etc ready to be changed. I would also be vigilant, and document any further attempts to contact you after "the talk."

 

The fact that a man who is cheating on his wife got upset that YOU were unfaithful just blows my mind. The fact the he wanted you to feel his pain and wanted to see the look on your face, etc. Honestly, I question everything he has told you. And texts between him and his wife? All he would have to do is use a free texting app and pretend to be both parties.

 

Please leave this man behind and please take good care of yourself.

Autumnnight---i too have had the same thought as far as--he being upset with me for cheating and he is cheating too. however, i will say this...we were "committed" to each other--i know, i know....it all sounds like a bunch of BS and looking back now, it was. How can a MM be committed to me if he can't keep his commitment to her? crazy i so see it now. Never new about texting apps or even considered that he would set that up, but now, i do see the possibilities. he is capable of so much more than i ever saw. scary actually. the plan is to walk away and regain my dignity. He still wants to be friends and occasionally meet at a coffee shop to say hi.....ummmhh.....no. you need to be having coffee with your W if you are going to try and work things out. I pray for him and i hope he changes for his sake and his family's. thank you again for your message.

[KissofGrace]

I hate to post back to back, but if you are really fearful of him outing you, I have a suggestion. It will take courage, but it is the best way to deal with a coward who threatens.

 

Get together any evidence you have of his relationship with you, along with messages, texts between him and his wife he showed you, etc. Then (and I know you'll think this is crazy) sit down with your close family, and tell them you want to talk with them. Tell them the story. Not every gory detail of course, but tell them. Tell them your part, tell them of his manipulation. Tel them you have deep regrets and are getting out. Just spill the beans.

 

See, people like this use fear and blackmail and manipulation. They think that your fear of being discovered if their biggest playing card. If YOU take that card away by coming out in the open to the people who deserve to know (and that point is important, you don't owe everyone the story), you have taken away a good bit of his twisted power.

 

He'll manage to get a few gullible, dysfunctional saps on his side...but who cares, in the long run? You'll have your dignity back.

AN, i have thought about telling my family. and i will do so if i have to because he threatens to out me. i doubt that he will because i have more "things that can be used against him, though my purpose for keeping them was never for that reason, rather for memories and keepsakes, that could be devastating to him, especially in a divorce proceeding if his W goes that route. He knows i have stuff and he has already taken some from my house (he has a key-locks being changed this coming week) and he flat out told me he took them because he was afraid i'd use them against him. i do not believe he would do anything that would in turn aid me to do the same to him, because his children are his LIFE, he would be devastated if they ever knew some of the things their father has done. Although i still keep to the premise that i do not sincerely and whole heartedly want to be evil, cruel or malicious especially towards his children, they are innocent in all of this. i couldn't see myself hurting them. who knows what the future holds. and yes, slowly my dignity and self-respect will reside in great lengths inside me, once again. thank you so much for all your messages.

[sandylee1]

This man sounds so very creepy, manipulative and dangerous. If you can totally cut him out of your life once you've ended it, that would be best all round. Do you have somewhere to stay for a couple of weeks after you end it as well?

 

I'm just concerned about what he's capable of. I typed out a few things, but deleted, because I didn't want to scare you. I would echo the advice that you move house if you can and see if getting a transfer to another work location is possible.

[KissofGrace]

This man sounds so very creepy, manipulative and dangerous. If you can totally cut him out of your life once you've ended it, that would be best all round. Do you have somewhere to stay for a couple of weeks after you end it as well?

 

I'm just concerned about what he's capable of. I typed out a few things, but deleted, because I didn't want to scare you. I would echo the advice that you move house if you can and see if getting a transfer to another work location is possible.

 

Sandylee1, the more i write stuff and realize things i didn't before the more creepier he sounds to me too, sadly. i do not have somewhere i can stay as i have no family or friends here. i have made some acquaintances i dont feel comfortable asking to stay there (families, etc.) my closest viable friend is about 30 mins away which i could if need be stay there. i'm a pretty tough cookie, so if you feel comfortable typing and sending the previous things you deleted, i'd like to read them. this forum has helped me to see things i never even thought possible therefore your words could help me plan. however, i will respect your decision and please know that i do appreciate it. i am seriously considering moving and as far as my work, i could ask for a transfer, we shall see--all good possibilities. thank you so very much.

[GypsumSatellite]

Grace, your MM sounds like... shades of my MM. So, please read this carefully. I know you love him and there's that part of you that thinks your love will change these destructive behaviors in him - but it will not. He has operated like this ever since he was young. He will not change his behaviors for you because his behaviors work fine ON you.

 

He has emotionally abused you (as in wanting to watch the hurt on your face, controlled access to your house/passwords, blamed you for things that were solely his fault) and yes he does it to his W as well. She stays because he does just enough to make things right for a time but he keeps her in line just like he tries to keep you in line. Even after the youngest graduates, he's not going to let his W go. He won't let any of his playthings (what all women are to him) go willingly. He's just as toxic with her. He chose her, he chose you - he has a type. He knows how to get people to do what he wants and come up smelling like roses in the end.

 

You need to get strong. It's going to be very difficult because like my MM, your MM knows everything about you and everywhere to get at you. Do not live in fear of him outing you. Do not live in fear of him stalking you. Get restraining orders, change your locks, block his number on your landline and your cell, get a therapist who can help you remain emotionally strong as you take your life back from underneath him, and surround yourself with your friends and family. Also, any and all contact he tries to engage in with you - record the audio, take photos, document everything.

 

You may even need to tell your family what has been going on so you can say "I am in danger. He makes me feel unsafe. I need your support now more than ever. Please help me."

 

I know it isn't easy. You will be able to do this and you don't have to do it alone.

[KissofGrace]

Grace, your MM sounds like... shades of my MM. So, please read this carefully. I know you love him and there's that part of you that thinks your love will change these destructive behaviors in him - but it will not. He has operated like this ever since he was young. He will not change his behaviors for you because his behaviors work fine ON you.

 

He has emotionally abused you (as in wanting to watch the hurt on your face, controlled access to your house/passwords, blamed you for things that were solely his fault) and yes he does it to his W as well. She stays because he does just enough to make things right for a time but he keeps her in line just like he tries to keep you in line. Even after the youngest graduates, he's not going to let his W go. He won't let any of his playthings (what all women are to him) go willingly. He's just as toxic with her. He chose her, he chose you - he has a type. He knows how to get people to do what he wants and come up smelling like roses in the end.

 

You need to get strong. It's going to be very difficult because like my MM, your MM knows everything about you and everywhere to get at you. Do not live in fear of him outing you. Do not live in fear of him stalking you. Get restraining orders, change your locks, block his number on your landline and your cell, get a therapist who can help you remain emotionally strong as you take your life back from underneath him, and surround yourself with your friends and family. Also, any and all contact he tries to engage in with you - record the audio, take photos, document everything.

 

You may even need to tell your family what has been going on so you can say "I am in danger. He makes me feel unsafe. I need your support now more than ever. Please help me."

 

I know it isn't easy. You will be able to do this and you don't have to do it alone.

 

GypsumSatellite, thank you for your words. i do love him, although i will say that feeling is slowly diminishing and i can honestly say i am not in love with him. i love him for the memories we shared, when we were teenagers, and the things i feel in love with because of him. and i honestly did believe that the behaviors were because he was angry at me for my ONS but now i do see and realize, looking back over the relationship, things he said and how certain things made me feel and i dismissed because i "loved him". i do see the control and manipulation BIG TIME. I feel foolish for believing that is was because he loved me. he repeatedly told me "i wouldn't have given anyone else a second chance, but with you i can't walk away" of course all things i wanted to hear and realize now, were said in efforts to keep me hanging on just a little bit longer.

I do believe he verbally, emotionally and psychologically abuses his W too. He has told me some stuff he's said, but again, i didn't want or allow myself to see it for what it was, sadly. i feel stupid for not recognizing the signs earlier--love is blind... cliche i know.

his youngest, graduated last year and he is still there. blames me for messing up the plan with my ONS and that all this pain is because of me. the sad part is that now i see how he is controlling and manipulating his kids. His kids idolize him. he can't do no wrong. He even told me once that they told him he was the living Jesus. WOW......uhmm really? if they only knew. But they won't know thru me. I will not play any part in hurting those kids (now adults) who still live at home because he won't let them go away to college or move out on their own.

I am getting stronger everyday, today i am missing him... i know it won't be easy...but damn does it have to be this hard? I know i made my bed and i have to lay in the mess, it just bites.

Thanks again for your message, it helped me.

Edited May 19, 2015 by KissofGrace
typos

[GypsumSatellite]

Also remember to look at yourself with kindness. Yes, love is blind. Good people can love blindly because of many factors. You can obviously give the benefit of the doubt with the best of us. I know where you are at on that level, but never think yourself foolish for loving. You were in an unfortunately manipulative relationship and it will make your stronger and more wise in the future. It's an awful lesson to have taught to you (is it ever!) but, once you get through this you will still be you only more keen on the motivations of others.

[KissofGrace]

Also remember to look at yourself with kindness. Yes, love is blind. Good people can love blindly because of many factors. You can obviously give the benefit of the doubt with the best of us. I know where you are at on that level, but never think yourself foolish for loving. You were in an unfortunately manipulative relationship and it will make your stronger and more wise in the future. It's an awful lesson to have taught to you (is it ever!) but, once you get through this you will still be you only more keen on the motivations of others.

 

Thank you Gypsumsatellite, right now that is hard for me to do (look at myself with kindness). I am however, slowly but, surely forgiving myself and realizing just how much abuse i was the recipient of and that i dismissed as "love". Benefit of the doubt was right--I see so much now and i am beginning to allow myself to see things for what they really were. And that in itself is painful. Strange as it may sound, i have no regrets for every step along this journey has unveiled a layer that requires attention i must address so that i will not fall into this situation again. Foolishness is due to the blindness of things that i didn't see, not the love.

I do not regret loving him or sharing my love with him. I'm not sure if that's just where i am at right now as far as my feelings and in the process of letting all this go or if others that have been in this situation can relate to or identify with. Was that the case for you?I know that through all this it can and will make me stronger, right now however i am having a moment on weakness.

Until we meet and have that final face to face closure discussion (that is how i have chosen to end this for safety reasons and to make nice with him--long story, not sure if you have read the entire thread) i won't be able to fully shut him out of my life. in a way it makes me sad that i have to end it this way but from the advice of people in this forum, which have been amazingly helpful and supportive, i took good ideas as to how to end it from a different route. What i really want to tell him and how i really want to end it would ignite so many issues for me and jeopardize even more. So, with that said...i thank you for all your words. They have been of most help to me--everyone's has.

Edited May 20, 2015 by KissofGrace
paragraphs, typos

[KissofGrace]

MM just sent me a message quoting bible verses, saying how angry and disappointed he is and that he is experiencing shame and hate for what has happened. I'm not sure if he is referring to his infidelity or mine. He said he can't control the anger at times and wants to rebel and pay me back.

I'm quite sure this is stemming from a lie i caught him in this weekend which he, of course, turned around on me. He called me yesterday yelling at me, saying how i implied he lied---uhmmm, he did and when i caught him he got mad at ME.

Is this a manipuative guilt trip or more abuse?

Should i respond and if so, what should i say? Remain peaceful (for my safety)? I fear that if i dont respond he will do something mean.

Any and all comments welcomed.

[KissofGrace]

The more i read and re-read his messages and how he lied, twisted crap around on me, accused me and just about blamed me for everything under the sun (because he's always right), the more i get fired up.

 

At one point i thought i was going crazy, second guessing my thought process...it's sad.

 

Is this part of the process? Am i now in the "Angry stage"? if so, how have others gotten through this?

[Satu]

MM just sent me a message quoting bible verses, saying how angry and disappointed he is and that he is experiencing shame and hate for what has happened. I'm not sure if he is referring to his infidelity or mine. He said he can't control the anger at times and wants to rebel and pay me back.

I'm quite sure this is stemming from a lie i caught him in this weekend which he, of course, turned around on me. He called me yesterday yelling at me, saying how i implied he lied---uhmmm, he did and when i caught him he got mad at ME.

Is this a manipuative guilt trip or more abuse?

Should i respond and if so, what should i say? Remain peaceful (for my safety)? I fear that if i dont respond he will do something mean.

Any and all comments welcomed.

 

Don't reply. Let him wrestle with himself if he wants to wrestle.

[Popsicle]

MM just sent me a message quoting bible verses, saying how angry and disappointed he is and that he is experiencing shame and hate for what has happened. I'm not sure if he is referring to his infidelity or mine. He said he can't control the anger at times and wants to rebel and pay me back.

I'm quite sure this is stemming from a lie i caught him in this weekend which he, of course, turned around on me. He called me yesterday yelling at me, saying how i implied he lied---uhmmm, he did and when i caught him he got mad at ME.

Is this a manipuative guilt trip or more abuse?

Should i respond and if so, what should i say? Remain peaceful (for my safety)? I fear that if i dont respond he will do something mean.

Any and all comments welcomed.

 

You need to stop taking his calls.

 

And don't respond to his texts/emails either.

[KissofGrace]

i haven't responded to anything. i'm still in the PO mode.

[KissofGrace]

You need to stop taking his calls.

 

And don't respond to his texts/emails either.

 

he hasn't tried to contact me in any way, since the bible verses and i have not responded. But now i'm paranoid that he is driving by my house, i swear i hear his car drive by out in front of my house.

i'm sure he is not, maybe.. who knows.

Edited May 25, 2015 by KissofGrace
typos

[Friskyone4u]

Kiss Of Grace,

 

I did not fread every post to you, but the first thing that sticks out from the beginning is your fear he would " blackmail" you by threatening exposure of your affair. No matter what else you do, you CANNOT stand for this or you will never get away.

 

As far as ending it. Unfortunately, it seems that folks come here looking for some sort of "magic bullet" that will enable them to avoid the pain and hard work that is caused by most affairs. Betrayed spouses or partners look for the same way out sometimes.

 

There is only one way you will extricate yourself and move on to a normal life and thagt is the END IT yourself, stick to it and NO CONTACT no matter how hard it is, and let time do its work. And until you do that, you will not be a safe partner of any kind for another man so you will stay in limbo.

 

Most people in their lives have had break ups with a significant other and just because this man is married, the dynamics and hurt are no different. If he was going to be with you he wojuld and while I am sure he has ofr had feelings for you, sex is the main motivation men have affairs, and the fact that you worry about him taking pujnitive action against you because you stop providing that to him shojld show you he is not the Price Charming you thought he was.

 

 

I hope you can be strong and do the things that are best for you.

[irishguy]

I have to agree with the others no contact is your best option , no need for closure just block him everywhere . I do hope you really learn from this .

[Lois_Griffin]

she thinks i am someone else, so when she asks him are you still talking to "so and so", he says no which is the truth but i am not her and he is not telling her the truth.

Peel away all the layers and THIS is what you've been reduced to.

 

After relocating, after 3 years of the mountain of lies, manipulation, false promises, tons of drama, etc. etc. etc.

 

You're reduced to being called by someone else's name.

 

I truly hope you find a better life for yourself.

[KissofGrace]

Kiss Of Grace,

 

I did not fread every post to you, but the first thing that sticks out from the beginning is your fear he would " blackmail" you by threatening exposure of your affair. No matter what else you do, you CANNOT stand for this or you will never get away.

 

As far as ending it. Unfortunately, it seems that folks come here looking for some sort of "magic bullet" that will enable them to avoid the pain and hard work that is caused by most affairs. Betrayed spouses or partners look for the same way out sometimes.

 

There is only one way you will extricate yourself and move on to a normal life and thagt is the END IT yourself, stick to it and NO CONTACT no matter how hard it is, and let time do its work. And until you do that, you will not be a safe partner of any kind for another man so you will stay in limbo.

 

Most people in their lives have had break ups with a significant other and just because this man is married, the dynamics and hurt are no different. If he was going to be with you he wojuld and while I am sure he has ofr had feelings for you, sex is the main motivation men have affairs, and the fact that you worry about him taking pujnitive action against you because you stop providing that to him shojld show you he is not the Price Charming you thought he was.

 

 

I hope you can be strong and do the things that are best for you.

 

yes, Frisky...i am afraid that he could blackmail, although i have more stuff that would bring him and his family much more embarrassment and pain, IF i wanted to but i will not do that as doing so would only inflict pain on his kids and that is not what i want, i have never wanted that. Those kids are innocent and don't deserve that information from me. That's his thing to do/say if he so chooses to come clean to them. Beside i am not that cruel and honestly, i think that would be extremely cruel. that is something that i just won't do. it won't solve anything. in fact it will only make things worse and this just needs to end. Let him be the one to live with what he's done.

This forum has been in essence a magic bullet for me, the reads and posts by those who have commented have all been helpful, even the not so nice ones. All have sparked great food for thought and ignited more thoughts in me than i care to deal with right now, but then again that is the process--emotional roller coaster in full effect!

"If he was going to be with you he wojuld and while I am sure he has ofr had feelings for you, sex is the main motivation men have affairs, and the fact that you worry about him taking pujnitive action against you because you stop providing that to him shojld show you he is not the Price Charming you thought he was."

i so agree with you, if he wanted to be with me, he would be by now...i had to realized that AND accept it. As painful as that was, it's the ugly truth, one which i didn't want to see, sadly. I will say this, although sex is the man motivation men have affairs, that wasn't the case for us in the beginning. It was an EA for one year before any sex occurred. which i think makes this harder. our history was driving the EA and then it advanced into a full on PA. And you are right, prince charming i did think he was...once again, fought lesson to learn. thank you for all your words, they have most definitely helped.

[KissofGrace]

I have to agree with the others no contact is your best option , no need for closure just block him everywhere . I do hope you really learn from this .

 

thx irishguy, i am learning EVERYDAY!!!!