NFD33 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 I thought about typing out my whole situation..but like most it is really complicated. There are so many factors that can change the advice that someone may give me and I probably wouldn't remember to say a lot of it. So, my brief situation is a girl and I had been talking for around 3 months. She is truly an amazing woman and we had a very special connection. We both said we did and talked a lot about the future. She took on a promotion which had a lot of extra responsibility. I'm very proud of her for it! But, a month into it she says she doesn't think she is ready for the relationship she thought she was and had a lot going on that she needed to focus on. I really want to be there for her, any way I can. That's my brief situation if anyone wants to comment on it. What I'm actually wondering about is if anyone here has a story where someone told them they were not ready for a relationship where it eventually worked out. Id be interested in the brief situation, how long it took for the relationship to get back on track, and anything you did (or didn't do) that you think helped the relationship. Thanks for any advice!
MissBee Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 (edited) Nope. I think that's been said to me twice and neither of those times ended up with it working out. I don't think you should hold out hope for it in the sense that I think you should be open to dating others and IF she comes around she'll find you but don't emotionally wait around for her. It's actually very fortunate for you that the person lets you know that they can't give their all and they aren't ready, it's up to you to respect that and actually see it as doing you a favor. If someone cannot give their all wouldn't you prefer for them to tell you that than to date them anyway and get 1/4 of the effort? On the other hand, sometimes people say this because they just aren't interested in a relationship with you but it sounds less harsh to say they just aren't ready in general, the old it's not you it's me. Regardless of which it is, and I'd give her the benefit of the doubt to say it's the former, you should take it seriously and move on and believe that IF she likes you and later is ready things might come back around but otherwise, you can't do much about it. Edited May 17, 2015 by MissBee 4
Jame22 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 (edited) But, a month into it she says she doesn't think she is ready for the relationship she thought she was and had a lot going on that she needed to focus on. I really want to be there for her, any way I can. That's my brief situation if anyone wants to comment on it. BS. Drop her. "I'm not ready for a relationship" 99.9%..well probably 100% of the time can be translated into "I don't want a relationship with you." Don't try to convince yourself it's different this time, it's not. Sure, there's always a shot! but you must walk away now. You have to set some boundaries. Tell her something along the lines of "You're awesome and I love hanging out with you but I'm not interested in anything platonic right now. Give me a call when you change your mind." And then walk away and don't look back. If she decides comes back make yourself less available. Invite her back to your place to have dinner, wine, maybe a movie..don't take her on any dates until she proves herself worthy. If she never comes back it means you never even had a shot in the first place. It's a flawless. I know it's hard and it sounds counter intuitive, but it's the only way. Good luck! Edited May 17, 2015 by Jame22 3
aloneinaz Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 What she said is I'm not into you and don't care if you move on and bang other women. I'd simply vanish from her life. Block her on everything and ignore any attempts to contact you though I doubt she will. I was dumped once. She said what this girl is telling you. "I don't want you in my life anymore".. She got her wish and I disappeared. She never heard from me again until I told her I had no desire to see her again when she reappeared, wanting another chance 6 months later.
RoseVille Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 It either means "I'm emotionally damaged and incapable of being in a relationship for a LONG TIME" (which means you should NOT, under any circumstances, wait around for her), or it means, "I"m just not into you" (which also means you should not, under any circumstances, wait around for her). 1
Jame22 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 What she said is I'm not into you and don't care if you move on and bang other women. I'd simply vanish from her life. Block her on everything and ignore any attempts to contact you though I doubt she will. I was dumped once. She said what this girl is telling you. "I don't want you in my life anymore".. She got her wish and I disappeared. She never heard from me again until I told her I had no desire to see her again when she reappeared, wanting another chance 6 months later. You're right, but I wouldn't block her on everything and ignore her. Tell her that you're not interested in anything platonic but that she should give you a call when she changes her mind. Then if she happens to come back you can at least invite her over to your place and try to get laid. If she rejects that offer then you can truly walk away. 1
Mrlonelyone Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 It either means "I'm emotionally damaged and incapable of being in a relationship for a LONG TIME" (which means you should NOT, under any circumstances, wait around for her), or it means, "I"m just not into you" (which also means you should not, under any circumstances, wait around for her). THIS it is one of those two things. Blocking her on social media is a good idea because I would bet $10 that within two months she will be "in a relationship" with someone else. Which will drive you nuts, and if she's the emotionally damaged type ...she'll be on her social media complaining about the guy.
ascendotum Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 What she said is I'm not into you and don't care if you move on and bang other women. I'd simply vanish from her life. Block her on everything and ignore any attempts to contact you though I doubt she will. I think that's a bit harsh, given that they have been hanging out together as friends for 3 mths. I don't know if he has been sleeping with her or not, but obviously he likes her and thinks she's cool, enjoys hanging out with her and wants her for a gf. He got the polite dismal, but I don't think he has to excommunicate her. I think he can stay friends (she's not a bitch not wanting him for a bf) but he should not go out of his way for her and make sure the friendship is 50:50. If he is used to doing all the initiating and communication and outings, well then if drops doing that (which he should) then chances are he will get the same result you suggested but without acting pissy. If he is going to pine for her (and not want anyone else) then letting her know just friendship is not good enough and going NC would be the best.
Shepp Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 I've been there and I've gone from hearing "not ready for relationship - ever" to hearing "I do". I just stuck it out I guess. That said, I am sceptical about recommending other folk do the same because a lot of the time that line is just a cop out and I wouldn't want to advise anyone to waste there life away. I was in a situation where I was confident she liked me, even if she wasn't, and I understood she really wasn't in the right head space, because stuff was very heavy. I would say being busy at work isn't much of a reason - not if it was love. But if you want a success story then I stuck it out, I waited, and waited, and waited, till she finally accepted that I wasn't going anywhere! 1
preraph Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 When things are going well in a person's life and they tell you "I'm not ready for a relationship," that is just a nice way to tell you they don't want to date you in particular. The only time someone would say that and mean it would just be if maybe they were emotionally devastated over something or traumatized over something and couldn't deal with having people around. Most other circumstances, anyone would be glad to have someone around who cared about them that they cared about to support them. So I'm afraid that despite your best intentions here, she is letting you down easy. You should go on about your life. 2
Author NFD33 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 Glad to hear a success story. I definitely think waiting for this right person can be worth it. I know it can be far fetched, but I'm hoping it's not impossible. As far as her job goes, it is a high stress job that has actually caused her some health issues actually. Which concerns me a lot. She has also had bad luck with relationships as have I since we are both divorced. She told me I was a whole new world in how I treated her. She was always very appreciative. We also kinda work together. I say kinda as in we both work for the same organization, but In different departments. We fall under the same organizational chart. With her promotion she is considered management where I am not (she would never supervise me though). She is a very special woman who we talked a lot about the future with each other. Also, for those who have mentioned, she doesn't do any social media so I don't have to worry about seeing stuff or anything. I am not being naive. I realize the chances are slim that it could work out. I'm just curious how often it has worked out for others. I've been told this once before by someone else and it didn't bother me because I realized pretty quickly that she wasn't "the one," though I did like her and wouldn't have minded going further. You can usually tell quickly whether it's gonna work out or not. This girl felt very different than any other girl before.
Versacehottie Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 I say this with great caution, but yes I know SEVERAL success stories that started out with "I'm not ready". As Shepp, said it's hard to know whether it's a cop out or just the truth. Or that when the person is ready it will be you that they are going for. It's all risky. That's why you have to handle very carefully. Keep living as if you are single as can be. Keep dating others. Be nice and cool but not overly "there". I think it's disappointing that so many people on this forum give very cynical answers. Not everyone is primed and open in their heart for a relationship at the moment one comes along. However, perhaps they say it with protecting you in mind. As I have commented on same subject before, the prescription in either case (the person is being honest or blowing you off) is the same: pull back, date others. I think the less cynical of us who don't necessarily believe the "it's you!" answer would say at least keep the door open for a relationship by keeping some type of communication albeit greatly reduced. I have been on both sides of this equation. As far as success stories, I just met a work acquaintance and her husband (both cool, gorgeous and successful) in the last month and just friday she told me how they got together. She just out of a 6 year relationship when they met and most definitely not ready. He was thinking due to her circumstances and awesomeness that he wouldn't really have a chance with her anyway. He took her on coffee dates for around 6 months and never made a move. Her ex-boyfriend re-appeared an hour before their first night/real date to complicate matters. Anyway, they are happily together and in love. It really would just be a normal love story to me--if people on this site weren't so adamant in saying it doesn't happen when someone isn't ready. Know well at least a handful of other good couples that got together after one person claimed "not readiness". All that said, use great caution. Good luck
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