My 12 years long relationship ended today because of me. Am I really that horrible?

[anubi13]

I am a man in his late 30s. I had met what I believe it was my soul mate 12 years ago in Europe (where I am from). She was studying abroad when we met and I was seeing multiple girls. I always met many girls because I was very good looking and because I am a sensible person. Unlike most men out there I don't like sports. I don't like being competitive although I am at times. I don't like taking risks.

I met her and my world went upside down. We talked for hours and we seemed to connect. She had problems with her family and so did I. We were both sort or rebels as in we were going through our lives differently that many people were. As soon as we met we started being glued to each others. I broke up with all my other girls and spent most of my free time with her. She was gorgeous. She still is. She is smart and genuinely a good person. She would never hurt anyone on purpose and, I know you think many people are like that but, in my experience, many get hurt and justify hurting others because it has happened to them.

Since the first day I met her I loved her more than I loved my own life.

I don't know why she loved me though, if she did.

As we started our relationship I have become increasingly more controlling. Now that I look back it is disturbing. I became a very rigid person and started worrying about the future. We used to be up late at night but when I started working I forced her to come to sleep with me every night. I couldn't sleep without her next to me. I would be pissed when whe would stay out late. Not because I didn't trust her but because I was afraid bad things would happen. I had dealt with depression before but this was another beast. I was overly protective of her.

Year go by and we move to the US. I didn't have a good job but I always worked. We had some problems during these years, mainly due to my controlling behavior. I gravitate toward stability. I was looking for a way to get a good job in the then horrible economy and to set the foundations to start a family. She wanted completely different things. She kept saying she wanted to do the peace court in Africa. She wanted to move around. She wanted to live in New York, London and other places in the world. I already made a huge change by going to a different country with no family or friends...I didn't want to move. I forced my values on her. I thought her wanting to be on the run was irrational and immature. I thought she would change. I thought that, eventually, when you grow up, it is normal to seek stability. A house. A family.

We eventually got married because otherwise I couldn't stay in the US. Don't get me wrong: I didn't marry her because I wanted a green card, I married her because without a green card we couldn't start our future together.

Together, we were really good. We loved each others and even people would envy us that had been together for so long and loved each others more with the passing of the years. But we lived in a bubble. Outside of it she resented her family for having forced her to do many thing she did and she resented me for being like her parents. Telling her that her dreams were immature. I feel horrible while I write this because now I see what I did and how horrible I was. But I thought that striving for stability would have been good for both of us. I was trying to build something solid but I built it on sandy ground. I ended up building a prison...when I wanted it to be a palace.

I eventually realized that we would never want the same things and I wanted to divorce her (before I got my green card, just in case you are still doubting my motive). But I wasn't strong enough. She cried and I caved. This happened a few times throughout the next 10 years.

She is an extrovert and wants to have a fast paced career and travel around. I am an introvert and like simple things.

This week when she decided to end this and go pursue her dreams.

I am devastated because in these 12 years, everything I did, I did it for her. My brain tells me that we should be apart, because we are so different. But everything I look at reminds me of her.

I am seeing a therapist to work on my controlling behavior and my anxiety.

I want her to be happy and to pursue her dreams. But I also love her and want her with me. I think that this is the case when loving someone means letting the go...but it hurts so much and I don't know if I should fight to restore our relationship or if it is best for her to find someone more like her.

Do you think this has happened just because we are inherently different and that we would be better off with people who have dreams similar to ours? Or do you think I am just plain a horrible person?

I am devastated and think so lowly of myself now that I can't think straight. Am I wrong in wanting these things or is she just not a match for me and vice versa? Are there other people introverted like me that don't like fast paced cities. People who like to sleep with their wives. People who want to settle down and have a family. I am losing my mind.

[aloneinaz]

It appears in reading what you said that you KNOW you two are not really compatible. I learned a long time ago that you can't change people and most people don't want to change. They resent you and what you're saying. A guy who nags his wife who's gained weight will gain more just to spite him. This is why people date and try different people on. We "settle" for the ones who have the least amount of things we dislike about partners.

 

Don't beat yourself up. What's that going to do for you besides amplify your anxiety and sadness. Work and address the things that you feel you need to improve on in your next relationship. Everyone makes mistakes in relationships and we all hope to learn from them so we don't keep repeating them.

[Lizrd3000]

12 years... that's a long time. I thought I'd be 30 too and be together 12 years with my now ex, but that is obviously not the case, haha. Good job on those 12 years, I'm sure thats proof you're not a horrible person. No one would stay in a relationship for 12 years, unless there is abuse going on, but in your case, it's not like that at all. you both loved the time you had together. The fact that you moved to the US, where you had no friends not family living there, just shows how commited and selfless you were, which is a great feature which not many people possess.

 

 

I am like you, I like simple things. I want a simple life; wife, 2 kids, job I don't hate too much, etc. You're not a horrible person for wanting these things. in-fact, I think you're amazing for being like this. People I come across nowadays are way too fast paced and want many things. Simple people really ''attract'' me (non-romantic). So don't worry so much about that. I do think being controlling and pushing your ideals on others are really not helping your partner, nor you, but this does not make you a horrible person, it's not black and white.

 

 

I don't really know what I'm trying to get at, but I just want you to know that your story just struck me. I can identify alot. People go through the same kind of pain like you are.

 

 

I don't know your whole story, which obviously is nearly impossible when you've gone out with the same person for 12 years, but it takes two to tango. You have moved to the US for her, did she sacrifice something in return over those 12 years of dating that'd even it out?

 

 

It's easy to feel like the bad guy and look for things you did wrong when you've been broken up with, but the other party may be just as bad or worse. I'd take it easy for a while and really reflect what has just happened, read other stories and reflect some more.

[sandylee1]

Do you think this has happened just because we are inherently different and that we would be better off with people who have dreams similar to ours?

 

Yes. This is a large part of it. Your goals and dreams are poles apart.

 

 

 

Or do you think I am just plain a horrible person?*

 

Your controlling behaviour must have made things worse. I wouldn't say your horrible, because, your dreams would be in line with what many women want. Just not what your wife wants.

Perhaps therapy during the marriage would have been helpful.

 

 

I am devastated and think so lowly of myself now that I can't think straight. Am I wrong in wanting these things or is she just not a match for me and vice versa?

 

Wrong match. Your on a different page to each other. You quoshing her desires was wrong and would make her resentful of you.

 

Are there other people introverted like me that don't like fast paced cities. People who like to sleep with their wives. People who want to settle down and have a family. I am losing my mind.

 

 

Your not loosing your mind, but you're both very different personalities. Where you went wrong was dismissing her ambitions and forcing her to do things.

 

The travelling around lifestyle isn't for everyone. You both need people you have similar desires and ambitions with. Having said that, you also need to allow your spouse to be themselves. That's what makes us individuals.

 

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