Do any of you regularly go 3-4 days without seeing your significant other by choice?

May 16, 2015

If I sleep over at his place for 2 days in a row, or even spend the night, skip a day, and spend the night again, he doesn't want to see me for 3-4 days afterward. Almost as if he has to recover. Example- I slept over at my boyfriend's Monday and Tuesday night. It's now Sat and we haven't hung out yet. We might tonight or tomorrow. I would have loved to spend Fri with him, but I could tell he didn't feel like it. If I sleep over Fri night and spend time with him until 2pm Sat, he doesn't try to see me until Wed at the earliest. Is he trying to keep things casual or not that into me? Or just normal for some guys even if they really like you? Every boyfriend I had in the past wanted to be glued to the hip. He does go through periods where he'll see me every other day, but the trend is usually to skip several days. He's introverted, by the way.

May 16, 2015

Providing more info would get you better thoughts. How long have you been going out?

When I'm dating someone, the first few weeks we typically only saw each other a few times a week. If it progressed into a relationship, then I agree with you. I'd want my GF around 4-5 days a week. It's the honeymoon phase. Everythings new and exciting, especially the sex.

Sounds like that famous book "He's not that into you"..

May 16, 2015

If I sleep over at his place for 2 days in a row, or even spend the night, skip a day, and spend the night again, he doesn't want to see me for 3-4 days afterward. Almost as if he has to recover. Example- I slept over at my boyfriend's Monday and Tuesday night. It's now Sat and we haven't hung out yet. We might tonight or tomorrow. I would have loved to spend Fri with him, but I could tell he didn't feel like it. If I sleep over Fri night and spend time with him until 2pm Sat, he doesn't try to see me until Wed at the earliest. Is he trying to keep things casual or not that into me? Or just normal for some guys even if they really like you? Every boyfriend I had in the past wanted to be glued to the hip. He does go through periods where he'll see me every other day, but the trend is usually to skip several days. He's introverted, by the way.

You can ask him about what it means for him, that might be best.

Introverts recharge by being alone, so if he is introverted then he might very much need time to himself without it meaning anything bad about you, that's likely the case...but talk to him. That's what good relationships are, where you can bring up your fears or concerns to the person you're with not just fret and worry and guess in silence.

I might see a bf for several days at a time and it's great but then get to a point where I need some space and then we can reconnect again. I can't really be connected at the hip 24/7. It also depends on the intensity and what we're doing in that period and if the relationship is new or not. In the beginning it tends to make me feel overwhelmed very quickly whereas if we've been together a while and if I see you often but say we've gotten comfortable, so you're doing your own work and I'm doing mine but just in the same space and stuff it feels less like I need to recharge. Whereas if it is that intense wrapped up in bed, doing stuff, going out, having sex, just all up in each other, it can be a little much consecutively and it's hard to do that and also take time for me and my responsibilities. So pacing myself is good.

May 16, 2015

I usually wanted some time off in the beginning. Adjusting to living with a partner was always a challenge for me because they were always there. I am better if I get some time alone at home without him every day.

May 16, 2015

Yes I had a similar situation. Short relationship so by about the second month she was coming over every day basically inviting herself over for 5 or 6 days in a row. On the 7th day I told her Im feeling stressed out i just needed to be alone. She got so mad at that she actually tried to break up with me. It was the honey moon stage of our relationship but the sex wasn't spectacular. Subpar compared to past partners. So seeing her every day may have drawn me further away. I worked 10 hours every day then had a 2 hour gym session. come home to cook and during the cooking time she would come over. It's not like she came and helped me she came and wined around about come to bed with me and blah blah blah.

I'm thinking we grew distant to one another because we over saw each other everyday. At unconventional times. Which would build up stress for me and it started to feel like she was more of a burden than I needed. Guys with busy schedules need space for many number of reasons. It makes us appreciate you more when your not around. Makes us miss you more, and when we do see each other it's just magical. In the early stage over seeing this person is a recipe for disaster. Specially if your man has a busy schedule.

It's hard to accept but you need to if you want a man who can stand on his own 2 feet.

May 16, 2015

what's his relationship history? Has he been single for a long time before you? That could explain part of it.

I definitely need and want my "me time". I've never been the type who wants to see a guy every day or multiple days in a row. Before my bf and I lived together, we got together 2 or 3 times a week...tbh I was perfectly fine with 2 times a week (once during the week and once on the weekend).

May 16, 2015

There's no way I could ever had someone around much more often than say half the week. And he's introverted. So there you go. I'm a little introverted, being quite happy most of the time alone, but I can also be social. But I really like having the space. But I like to know when I'm going to have the space. I don't like suprises of people showing up for two days. Don't let him just disappear though. Don't worry about him needing space at all, but don't let him only do it impulsively, leaving you on hold all the time. You make him tell you at the beginning of the week what the plan is.

May 17, 2015

He has been like this since the beginning of our 7 month relationship. When we do hang out every other day for too long, he starts to get moody.

I don't want to be joined at the hip, but I wondered if 4 days of not seeing each other seems kind of long. We do talk everyday though.

We've been together for 7 months. He ended a 3 year relationship (live in girlfriend)almost 2 years ago. He said it "lost its passion." And from the way he talks, he has had countless flings and short-term relationships, most lasting no more than 6 months.

May 17, 2015

I don't know what his whole problem is but I get crabby if someone is around too long too. I am not very compromising and easy going, but I think the main thing is I am organized and a planner, and so I don't like not knowing what's going to be going on.

May 17, 2015

He's definitely not a planner. It's very rare that either of us plans the day before, let alone 2 days in advance. It usually goes something like,"Do you want to grab a bite to eat after work?" I can tell when he's not in the mood to hang out certain nights when after 2pm, he doesn't initiate any texts and becomes much slower to reply to any of mine that I send. (He goes from responding in 2 min to 30 min or longer). If I don't say anything, I won't hear from him until he's about to go to bed.

Edited May 17, 2015 by garfish99

May 17, 2015

A lot of posters have mentioned the fact that he is introverted, which is a definite possibility as to why he needs his time to recharge and be alone.

But there is also the fear of engulfment, which is different. The fear of being engulfed, as I understand it, is the fear of losing yourself in a relationship. The opposite fear is that of abandonment.

If you do a little research on "attachment styles", you will find some information on this. You can also find some online tests you both can take. It would be interesting to see how the two of you compare.

May 17, 2015

I've always believed he has an avoidant attachment style. So I've actually spent a bit of time reading about how to handle people like that. It fits him to a T.

May 17, 2015

He's definitely not a planner. It's very rare that either of us plans the day before, let alone 2 days in advance. It usually goes something like,"Do you want to grab a bite to eat after work?" I can tell when he's not in the mood to hang out certain nights when after 2pm, he doesn't initiate any texts and becomes much slower to reply to any of mine that I send. (He goes from responding in 2 min to 30 min or longer). If I don't say anything, I won't hear from him until he's about to go to bed.

That alone would make me end it. Some people say they can't plan, but if you'll notice, if it's important enough, they can be seen planning. So it ends up just being disrespect and laziness.

May 17, 2015

That alone would make me end it. Some people say they can't plan, but if you'll notice, if it's important enough, they can be seen planning. So it ends up just being disrespect and laziness.

I wonder if it's just a common thing with people in NYC. Last relationship was like that too and I never thought anything of it because I'm the same way. He only plans ahead when he takes me on fancier dates on occasion.

I find him so odd sometimes. He just texted me at bedtime that he ran a half marathon today. We spoke this morning when I woke up around 11am. I shared what I had going on for the day, he told me to enjoy myself. He couldn't mention that he had JUST finished running a marathon? I know he does them regularly, but still. Weird. At least it explains why he didn't want to hang out Fri or today.

Edited May 17, 2015 by garfish99

May 17, 2015

I don't know if it has so much to do with introverts as it has to do with men that are independent and value their own personal space, time and relaxation.

Women can require a lot of energy and attention..and this like mundane repetitive pecking like behavior...this like constant checking in over you and hovering..

- What are you doing?

- How was your day?

- My day was like this or that...

- Do you have any plans? do you want to make plans?

And then all these little tactics and behaviors of trying to read your mind and interpret your behavior, etc..it can be quite exhausting being under that umbrella for days on end.

I've met women who are also exhausted by that, and they tend to be fairly busy in their lives and want to have their own space to unwind or their just used to their own territory and having "control"...some women really need that in control feeling.

Once you get your own personal space and time as a man, you recharge and you have your own peace and complete focus on what you need to do or how you want to spend your day...relaxing, not carrying about anything, just being disconnected for a moment from the world. That way, he can miss his SO and then recharge his batteries and then he'll be acting genuinely.

Married men/men in relationships, tend to do the same thing just in different ways. Since they don't really have a choice of having their own personal space if they live together, they go with having their own "man cave", working on some project, staying later at work, hanging out after work hours or what not doing other things. I've seen a lot of men stay at work, not only to avoid their hectic family life, but to also take a break and recharge from the wife/gf.

Otherwise if you are around a man every day, I don't think he has the opportunity to recharge completely, maybe half-way...it's a constant stress and pressure to meet some kind of expectation or provide some kind of response and attention that women in general tend to need, this constant "maintenance" because if not they're like worried everything is going to fall apart or something, and they just go crazy "not knowing".

I think without a man getting space, personal time to do with what he wants...whether through travel, vacation or separation of some kind that spans more than just a day or a few hours, then he will eventually lose his mind and become conditioned to his environment to some degree...but that can lead to frustration, anxiety, depression, disconnecting/separative behavior such as video games or what not to channel out that need in some way.

May 17, 2015

space is important. my ex used to want to spend a lot of time with me and it was driving me mad. he wanted to see me during the week and spend all the weekend together - Friday to Sunday (Sunday night included).

It meant nothing, because he was not inlove, he simply liked having a gf to hang around with - that and the fact that he did not have a life, hahaha. maybe a bit relationship dependent.

It all depends what your bf does with his free time, if he has hobbies or friends, if he is socially active or just a loner.

one of my previous unfortunate experiences made me extra sensitive to womanizers. So watch out if he hangs out a lot in bars and what sort of people his friends are - people tend to hang out with like-minded people.

i do believe that your current bf sees you too little, though. Once in a while, you should spend a weekend together - and ideally he should be asking for it...

May 17, 2015

How often would you prefer to see him?

Also when you do see him, what are the dates like? i mean do you spend the night and half the next day every time?

May 17, 2015

How often would you prefer to see him?

Also when you do see him, what are the dates like? i mean do you spend the night and half the next day every time?

I like it the way it is, except for going 4-5 entire days without seeing me. I wouldn't want it to go that long. Earlier on, we actually spent 2 months in a row seeing eachother every other day. Fri or Sat nights were guaranteed because he never wanted to miss it. To me it was a nice improvement from past bfs who wanted to see me every.single.day. I guess it got too much for him because he cut back to what we do now.

Most of the dates are on worknights so when he invites me over, I leave first thing in the morning. So I see him 2 worknights a week, at minimum.

It's only on Fri or Sat (never both) that we hang out until afternoon the next day. And I let him take the lead on how long we hang out. It's not every weekend anymore. Last weekend he was sick. This weekend he had a marathon.

May 17, 2015

Don't get discouraged though. There are all types of men, and a lot of them DO want to be with you 24/7. I can't handle that, but it's perfect for some people.

May 18, 2015

I dated a guy like this for four years. It wasn't a terrible relationship and we had real love and chemistry and good times together but I always felt I wanted more than him, that I was the more invested one, and that he had all the power. It took four years for him to agree to move in together, and by that point I realised the ship had sailed for me. I wanted someone who wanted to be around me more, who felt that seeing me was the highlight of their day. I never wanted or tried to smother him and had a life of my own with separate interests and friends but deep down I wanted him to WANT me there more, to choose to sleep next to me rather than alone. I left him in the end because I didn't want a boyfriend who I had to constantly wait for, if it took four years to be ready to spend more than two nights per week together, how could we ever progress onto real commitment like marriage or kids?

I'm not saying that all relationships have to or should involve spending every night together, and some space is good, but if you're fundamentally incompatible in this sense you'll always be left wanting more and feeling not good enough. After him I had two relationships with men who wanted to spend every night together after a couple of months and happily moved in after six months and it made me realise that it is quite normal after all to be so into someone you can't wait to be around one another again. If you both only wanted that level of contact it'd be perfect but you want more and it seems like you may be more into him than he is you. If it's very early days then maybe give it a month or two to see if he warms up to more contact but after that I would be done. I like alone time but for me the best relationships have been where I can relax and recharge with that person there because I am so comfortable in their presence. I wouldn't be happy with a guy who needed to recharge from seeing me. If all this makes me sound clingy I'm not, in the early months I'd be happy with a few nights a week together and I have a demanding job, busy social life and friends, I study and volunteer and have hobbies, but I wouldn't feel anything was developing if we we're going days without seeing one another and neither party seemed bothered by it.

May 18, 2015

Oh I just saw that it used to be more frequently in the beginning. A significant reduction in how often your partner wants to see you (without obvious factors such as work) is never a good sign, sorry.

Are you having your needs met by this man? If not, don't hang around for him.

May 20, 2015

Oh I just saw that it used to be more frequently in the beginning. A significant reduction in how often your partner wants to see you (without obvious factors such as work) is never a good sign, sorry.

Are you having your needs met by this man? If not, don't hang around for him.

You're absolutely right. It does go up and down, but I want to see him for the same amount of time pretty consistently . He's all over the place.

Last week I slept over Mon, Tues and Sun night. Today we attended a social event together. I decided to drive and he asked if I could give him a lift on the way home. Even though his place was on the way, I was bothered by the fact that he asked for a ride but didn't even ask me to come over afterward. It used to be a given that he would invite me to his place after events.

May 27, 2015

You're absolutely right. It does go up and down, but I want to see him for the same amount of time pretty consistently . He's all over the place.

Last week I slept over Mon, Tues and Sun night. Today we attended a social event together. I decided to drive and he asked if I could give him a lift on the way home. Even though his place was on the way, I was bothered by the fact that he asked for a ride but didn't even ask me to come over afterward. It used to be a given that he would invite me to his place after events.

Sorry to hear that. I used to feel sooooo hurt with my ex of four years when we'd hang out or go out and then he would want me to leave even though we had only slept over once that week. I would be like, I really want to fall asleep in his arms and snuggle, why does he not get that feeling of craving crawling into bed together after a lovely day or evening out? After a few months to me it's really weird to go out and then go sleep separately when there are no other factors (one of you up way too early for work, etc.). That's just what couples do. The two relationships I've been in since have wanted to spend as many nights sleeping together as possible after the first couple months of dating.

Just not a good sign overall. If his feelings were the same or increasing then he wouldn't be decreasing contact. I have never ever been proven wrong with either my or my friends' relationships when I feel that decreasing contact is a sure fire sign that feelings and commitment are on the decline.

May 28, 2015

I dated a guy like this for four years. It wasn't a terrible relationship and we had real love and chemistry and good times together but I always felt I wanted more than him, that I was the more invested one, and that he had all the power. It took four years for him to agree to move in together, and by that point I realised the ship had sailed for me. I wanted someone who wanted to be around me more, who felt that seeing me was the highlight of their day. I never wanted or tried to smother him and had a life of my own with separate interests and friends but deep down I wanted him to WANT me there more, to choose to sleep next to me rather than alone. I left him in the end because I didn't want a boyfriend who I had to constantly wait for, if it took four years to be ready to spend more than two nights per week together, how could we ever progress onto real commitment like marriage or kids?

I'm not saying that all relationships have to or should involve spending every night together, and some space is good, but if you're fundamentally incompatible in this sense you'll always be left wanting more and feeling not good enough. After him I had two relationships with men who wanted to spend every night together after a couple of months and happily moved in after six months and it made me realise that it is quite normal after all to be so into someone you can't wait to be around one another again. If you both only wanted that level of contact it'd be perfect but you want more and it seems like you may be more into him than he is you. If it's very early days then maybe give it a month or two to see if he warms up to more contact but after that I would be done. I like alone time but for me the best relationships have been where I can relax and recharge with that person there because I am so comfortable in their presence. I wouldn't be happy with a guy who needed to recharge from seeing me. If all this makes me sound clingy I'm not, in the early months I'd be happy with a few nights a week together and I have a demanding job, busy social life and friends, I study and volunteer and have hobbies, but I wouldn't feel anything was developing if we we're going days without seeing one another and neither party seemed bothered by it.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts - clarified a few things for me.

May 28, 2015

You're welcome craw love blinded me to the lack of future in that relationship and i'm so much happier with everything now, even when single, as when you're on different pages with someone every day brings fresh anxiety and worry and tension. Send a text and you're edgy until you get one back. Have to work up the nerve to ask to spend Saturday night together because you know the rejection will hurt if he says no but if you don't ask he'll probably plan something without you anyway. Case in point: for the first few years we only had single beds so he didn't wanna sleep over together much as he felt cramped up during the night. When he got a double, nothing changed after all. In subsequent relationships and dating I've had a guy travel from another country to meet me, another came four hours on the train for a first coffee, my current bf slept over every night after a couple months even though it meant a super early wake up to get back home and ready for work, but he preferred the inconvenience to choosing to sleep without me.

I'm nothing special I just got used to only taking it further with guys who valued my company deeply and quickly sacking off the ones who were ambivalent about me. It goes both ways too and I put as much effort in as the guy but now, only when reciprocated.

Sorry, didn't mean to ramble on! Life's just too short to be chasing around after someone and investing so much energy into a person unless they're matching that 100%.

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Do any of you regularly go 3-4 days without seeing your significant other by choice?

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