Fernando2826 Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 So I was hoping that you guys could offer me some advice. My ex and I were together for 6 months. During this time, I spent a huge amount of time with her family abd we went on an incredible holiday. She would say REALLY intense things like 'you're my soulmate', 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you', 'I can see our lives together', '"If I was to get pregnant, an abortion would be really hard considering it was yours" etc. She also wrote similar things in her diary apparently, so I feel that she must have believed it at the time. Anyway, we agreed to try and make our relaitonship work at university (4 hours apart). After a week of separation, she stopped texting me. After 2 weeks I decided to visit. On the night that we had organised, I sent a last minute confirmation text before leaving on the long drive. She cancelled, but had completely forgotten I was coming! I agreed to come the next day and to bring her things from her house, which I retrieved from her family. I was pretty concerned but assumedthat since she had asked me to bring her things, she couldn't possibly be thinking of ending it. When I arrived the next day she greeted me with tears, although would not say why. We agreed to go to dinner. She spent almost the entire drive texting another guy and her new friends, only occasionally talking to me. She then consistently looked at her phone and messaged him during the meal, before eventually apologising and putting it away. She even told him that our conversation was forced. She continued to text him on the journey home. She then took me to see some of her new friends who apparently wanted to meet me - again I assumed she wouldn't do this if she was thinking of ending it. When we arrived home I asked her what was going on. She told me, almost dispassionately, that she had gone home with this guy on the phone the night before, and had slept in his bed, although denied anything had happened. At the very least, I suspect she must have kissed him and, considering the fact that she cheated on her ex, and was "afraid of messing up once at uni", I don't know whether to believe her that nothing else happened She even checked her messages and sent a message to this other guy at one point whilst we were breaking up. What I believe is that she genuinely felt strong emotions, mostly lust, for me whilst we were together and believed everything that she was saying at the time, although fluctuated between caring a great deal and not caring quite so much. When she got to university, our connection broke down due to lack of commonality and she found someone more indie, into drugs etc. I still can't understand how it happened so quickly... Now she wants to meet up, who knows why. My question is, should I feel aggrieved by her behaviour? Should I look at this as the behaviour of someone I would not want to end up spending my life with? I find myself thinking, maybe she was feeling guilty/awkward/unsure and didn't know how to end it, hence ignoring me to text other people etc. She had already admitted to being a bit of a coward when it came to ending relationships. Also there was the excitement of the first fortnight of uni to consider. Finally, perhaps the kissing/going home with someone is more understandable if it became obvious you didn't care as you thought you did for someone. To me, she acted in a pretty selfish, thoughtless way, which was perhaps something I saw during the relationship also. But maybe, at 20, she's just immature? Do you agree? Strange thing is, I had a car accident a few weeks ago and she immediately called me upon finding out - a level of caring she seemed not to show in the prior events. I wonder whether she just didn't recognise she was doing anything wrong, but then does that make her selfish in itself? Friends all tell me to forget her, that she acted badly but I just don't know. Would love to hear what you guys think
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 You're in the thick of it, and can't think straight, so I suggest you listen to your freinds. I would imagine you are not much older than she, so just to help and maybe sort stuff out for you in your mind - neither of you are 'fully cooked' yet, so impulsive, thoughtless and reckless thinking is understandable. It's ok. These things happen. Cut all contact, completely, and move on. Seriously, it's for the best... 1
Author Fernando2826 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 Would love to know what others think? Is this just an immature girl who got caught up in uni or someone who is fundamentally selfish and not for me?
Satu Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 (edited) Would love to know what others think? Is this just an immature girl who got caught up in uni or someone who is fundamentally selfish and not for me? Yes, she's an immature girl, and you're an immature boy. I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean that you're both not mature. You're not yet fully formed. Because of that, your emotions are rather changeable. You can shift in your affections quite quickly, and seemingly out of the blue. Thats what happened with your ex. Her affections shifted. Within the overall context of your life, 6 months is nothing. 10 years from now you'll struggle to remember what she looks like. Look at the young couples of your age that you know. Few, if any of them, will still be together in five years. Blame biology. Accept the inevitable and let her go. Cry some tears, rage against fate, but let her go. If you want to be kind to each other, go no contact, so that you can both move on with a minimum of pain. Have some time out and then find yourself a new girlfriend. You'll both be ok. ************************************************ *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means she might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of her on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying. ************************************************* Edited May 18, 2015 by Satu 1
I_Give_Up67 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 So I was hoping that you guys could offer me some advice. My ex and I were together for 6 months. During this time, I spent a huge amount of time with her family abd we went on an incredible holiday. She would say REALLY intense things like 'you're my soulmate', 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you', 'I can see our lives together', '"If I was to get pregnant, an abortion would be really hard considering it was yours" etc. She also wrote similar things in her diary apparently, so I feel that she must have believed it at the time. Anyway, we agreed to try and make our relaitonship work at university (4 hours apart). After a week of separation, she stopped texting me. After 2 weeks I decided to visit. On the night that we had organised, I sent a last minute confirmation text before leaving on the long drive. She cancelled, but had completely forgotten I was coming! I agreed to come the next day and to bring her things from her house, which I retrieved from her family. I was pretty concerned but assumedthat since she had asked me to bring her things, she couldn't possibly be thinking of ending it. When I arrived the next day she greeted me with tears, although would not say why. We agreed to go to dinner. She spent almost the entire drive texting another guy and her new friends, only occasionally talking to me. She then consistently looked at her phone and messaged him during the meal, before eventually apologising and putting it away. She even told him that our conversation was forced. She continued to text him on the journey home. She then took me to see some of her new friends who apparently wanted to meet me - again I assumed she wouldn't do this if she was thinking of ending it. When we arrived home I asked her what was going on. She told me, almost dispassionately, that she had gone home with this guy on the phone the night before, and had slept in his bed, although denied anything had happened. At the very least, I suspect she must have kissed him and, considering the fact that she cheated on her ex, and was "afraid of messing up once at uni", I don't know whether to believe her that nothing else happened She even checked her messages and sent a message to this other guy at one point whilst we were breaking up. What I believe is that she genuinely felt strong emotions, mostly lust, for me whilst we were together and believed everything that she was saying at the time, although fluctuated between caring a great deal and not caring quite so much. When she got to university, our connection broke down due to lack of commonality and she found someone more indie, into drugs etc. I still can't understand how it happened so quickly... Now she wants to meet up, who knows why. My question is, should I feel aggrieved by her behaviour? Should I look at this as the behaviour of someone I would not want to end up spending my life with? I find myself thinking, maybe she was feeling guilty/awkward/unsure and didn't know how to end it, hence ignoring me to text other people etc. She had already admitted to being a bit of a coward when it came to ending relationships. Also there was the excitement of the first fortnight of uni to consider. Finally, perhaps the kissing/going home with someone is more understandable if it became obvious you didn't care as you thought you did for someone. To me, she acted in a pretty selfish, thoughtless way, which was perhaps something I saw during the relationship also. But maybe, at 20, she's just immature? Do you agree? Strange thing is, I had a car accident a few weeks ago and she immediately called me upon finding out - a level of caring she seemed not to show in the prior events. I wonder whether she just didn't recognise she was doing anything wrong, but then does that make her selfish in itself? Friends all tell me to forget her, that she acted badly but I just don't know. Would love to hear what you guys think Based on the highlights above, this doesn't sound very promising for future of you two. She totally disrespected you while texting this other guy, and then admitted she slept in his bed. I doubt her story that nothing happened with him that night, she didn't greet you in tears for just only sleeping in his bed. At the very least, she has developed an emotion connection with this other guy, to the point of blowing you off during the dinner. It seems to me that she has already made her intentions very clear to you. If you accept her behavior, she will try and keep you as her Plan B or as her doormat. As difficult as it may be, it may be wise to let her go and move on. 1
Author Fernando2826 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 Based on the highlights above, this doesn't sound very promising for future of you two. She totally disrespected you while texting this other guy, and then admitted she slept in his bed. I doubt her story that nothing happened with him that night, she didn't greet you in tears for just only sleeping in his bed. At the very least, she has developed an emotion connection with this other guy, to the point of blowing you off during the dinner. It seems to me that she has already made her intentions very clear to you. If you accept her behavior, she will try and keep you as her Plan B or as her doormat. As difficult as it may be, it may be wise to let her go and move on. Thanks for your reply. I have indeed broken up with her. I appreicate that she is young (I am 25), and, as such, is prone to quickly changing emotions. I am not bitter about this, although the rate of change (2 weeks from I want to spend the rest of my life with you to...) is stark. What I am bitter about is going to bed with another guy (even just kissing), asking me to bring her things then texting him the entire night. This is something that I would never do to my worst enemy, let alone someone she must still have cared for... None of my 18-20 year old female friends would have behaved like this either. 1
aloneinaz Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 While I agree some of her behaviour issues are because she's 20, some of her issues is she just a douche bag and a selfish one at that. I have to say kudos for your patience in watching her text another guy in front of you half the night after your long drive to see her and bring her things. I know me and most of the guys I know wouldn't of put up with that $hit for 5 seconds. Talk about disrespectful! You should of told her you were going to the bathroom while at the resturant and left her there and drove all the way home. She could then call the new guy to pick her immature butt up. Yes, lose this girls number. You may also consider finding someone closer to your age vs. another 20 YO. As you found out, they are still VERY immature at the age. 2
I_Give_Up67 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Thanks for your reply. I have indeed broken up with her. I appreicate that she is young (I am 25), and, as such, is prone to quickly changing emotions. I am not bitter about this, although the rate of change (2 weeks from I want to spend the rest of my life with you to...) is stark. What I am bitter about is going to bed with another guy (even just kissing), asking me to bring her things then texting him the entire night. This is something that I would never do to my worst enemy, let alone someone she must still have cared for... None of my 18-20 year old female friends would have behaved like this either. I think you made the right call to end it with her. It sounds like she ran away from your relationship at her first opportunity. Sure it probably reflects some immaturity on her part, but be thankful that this did not happen after you had a wedding date set and your guests invited. It will be hard for you to understand and accept this now, but you both are still very young, and she probably felt the need to explore a bit before settling down. Though this does not make how she treated you right. While you may be on a different level maturity wise, she obviously wasn't on the same level with you. 1
Author Fernando2826 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 Do you think that she ran away because of some failing in me? Probably because she never expected it to work at distance.
Author Fernando2826 Posted May 19, 2015 Author Posted May 19, 2015 I think you made the right call to end it with her. It sounds like she ran away from your relationship at her first opportunity. Sure it probably reflects some immaturity on her part, but be thankful that this did not happen after you had a wedding date set and your guests invited. It will be hard for you to understand and accept this now, but you both are still very young, and she probably felt the need to explore a bit before settling down. Though this does not make how she treated you right. While you may be on a different level maturity wise, she obviously wasn't on the same level with you. Thanks for your reply. So do you think it is indicative of issues beyond immaturity?
kismetkismet Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 In my opinion and experience, people that say such intense things so early in the relationship generally either fall in and out of love very easily, or like to 'play' at relationships - ie just enjoy saying those things to people and get a rush from it, or are manipulative. Hopefully it is just the former of course.. but she is only 20 years old, and just got to university. It seems to me like she wants to move on but is too cowardly to do it herself. I would let this one go. I don't think it's anything to do with you or your particular failings. She just seems a bit immature and like she's not as invested in the relationship as she may have been initially, or may have SEEMED initially.
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