Like a girl who recently had a breakup with a fiance. How to pursue appropriately?

[mose834]

So she and I are in our 20's and she started to work with me a few months ago. Gradually I started to develop a crush on her, but she had been engaged for a few months (went out with the guy for three years before he proposed), so I knew it would be off limits. It was hard to get rid of the crush being that we have been getting along really well. Seems we enjoy each other's company, joke around with each other, and she's just a charming/nice girl to begin with.

 

Cut to nearly a month ago when I noticed that her engagement ring was not on her finger. I didn't want to say anything, but about a week after I noticed, I found out from another co worker that they did indeed break up, he being the dumper, and that she's really upset about it, but regardless she puts on a really good front.

 

She has told other co workers (who know that I like her), but she has yet to tell me directly (and her and I have hung out before a few times before the breakup). I feel this could mean a couple of things- 1) Maybe she doesn't see me as just a friend and could mean she's somewhat interested when the time comes. 2) Maybe she suspects I like her and doesn't want me to jump right to it.

 

So I don't want to be the rebound, but I do not want it to be too late either. I know that every woman deals with something like this differently.

 

I asked her to join me in a get together with my friends in a couple of weeks and she said yes right away and was looking forward to it. I plan to pay for her whatever we end up doing and see what happens from there. Also willing to take any advice. Is it too soon? Am I on the right track? Should I attempt a kiss when we go out that night and we're alone? I know I'm overanalyzing this, it's sometimes hard to understand women. I was never into someone as serious as this one. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[d0nnivain]

She's not going to have her head back on straight or be ready to even consider dating seriously for at least a year.

[jen1447]

My guess is she didn't tell you directly because she's apprehensive you might try something. That doesn't mean she doesn't like you, but it does mean she doesn't want you to try sth right now. Sound contradictory? Yep. But that's our prerogative and that's how we often roll.

 

If all that's true, the best thing you can do right now is offer her strings-free friendship. She'll appreciate that and feel comfortable that you're not waiting to pounce. That means no treating her like a date or a GF, so no paying and no kisses. She may bounce in your direction or not - who knows? - but I'd be entirely hands off for now, even if say she has a few drinks at the get together and acts flirty. Be the good guy, not the opportunist.

[chelsey]

even someone who seems over a recent breakup is still thinking about it. i'd play it easy and see her occasionally. she'll let you know when she thinks she's ready if she wants to move forward with you but respect that she will still be hurt and her ego damaged for a while. be patient but available, don't push to hard until she's given signs she's ready. you don't want to be a rebound.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think it's probably too soon, yes. Be her friend but don't expect anything more from it for a long while. If she was the jilted party, her wounds are going to take some time to heal.

[mose834]

I appreciate everyone's advice. I'm taking everything one day at a time and treading lightly, and I'm certain she knows I know that they broke up because I'm sure she expects people will notice she's not wearing the ring. I'm not going to bring it up to her at all. If she brings it up to me, I'll find a way to react appropriately to it.

 

My friends and other colleagues say whatever I've been doing has been perfect. The texting is not constant on either of our ends. It usually ranges from work related stuff to small talk with subtle flirting, no rush. Will keep you posted.

[LookAtThisPOst]

She's not going to have her head back on straight or be ready to even consider dating seriously for at least a year.

 

What's funny is, I hear how new relationships starts as soon as the previous one ends...constantly. Usually it's a supportive "orbiter" she winds up with.

[organizedchaos]

What's funny is, I hear how new relationships starts as soon as the previous one ends...constantly. Usually it's a supportive "orbiter" she winds up with.

 

True. And those "relationships" that start as soon as the other one ends typically crash and burn.

 

She needs a good solid year to be ready for a real relationship after a 3 year relationship and engagement.

[LookAtThisPOst]

True. And those "relationships" that start as soon as the other one ends typically crash and burn.

 

She needs a good solid year to be ready for a real relationship after a 3 year relationship and engagement.

 

Actually, I've known these kinds of relationships to last a few years...which is usually the typical lifespan of a relationship these days.

 

She needs a good solid year to be ready for a real relationship after a 3 year relationship and engagement.

 

Sometimes its all over with before the break-up happens. Sometimes people treat relationships like monkeys swinging on branches through the trees....they wait to get a GOOD grip on the branch in front of them before letting go of the one behind them.

[organizedchaos]

Actually, I've known these kinds of relationships to last a few years...which is usually the typical lifespan of a relationship these days.

 

 

 

Sometimes its all over with before the break-up happens. Sometimes people treat relationships like monkeys swinging on branches through the trees....they wait to get a GOOD grip on the branch in front of them before letting go of the one behind them.

 

Unlikely seeing how they were engaged and she got dumped.

[mose834]

One more week until the get together with my friends. I have a bad feeling she will end up not going. I'm realizing that she's trying to keep herself very busy with her family and female friends to get her ex out of her mind.

 

Last Sunday we had a fun back and forth flirty text conversation. Monday came and in person I asked her out to dinner for later in the week and she said she was busy (flying to her hometown for the holiday weekend), but would like a rain check to go out for some drinks sometime. Tuesday she was all bubbly and friendly around me, I texted her a question about something later and she never replied. Wednesday she was all friendly again, tried to call her again for work related stuff and she never called back (found out she didn't call another colleague back either).

 

Thursday came and I asked her to stop by my work area to say goodbye before she goes away, she didn't. I texted her a couple hrs later wishing her a safe flight and she hasn't replied since and I haven't contacted her.

 

Here I am over analyzing everything again. It's getting to the point where I feel like I'd be smothering her even if my intentions to communicate with her were to be strictly platonic. I don't know if she really has a lot on her mind or if she's trying to give me the hint that she's not interested. I don't want to be direct with her either in case it makes things awkward. It bothers me when a woman is all friendly with me in person, but won't put in the effort to communicate otherwise.

[mose834]

Well it turned out she did not hang out with my friends and I last weekend. She had a family event, which was understandable (and legit since she did put stuff on Facebook). Beforehand, she felt bad and told me she wasn't trying to avoid me and thought I was angry, but I played it cool. She finally brought up her breakup to me and said she's been trying to keep herself busy with close friends and family, but told me not to feel discouraged from asking her to hang out again when she's available.

 

Since then, we've just been pretty friendly with each other at work, and have been texting outside of work a lot. I know she's been on a couple blind dates, but I imagine those are mainly simple rebounds. It's been frustrating on my end, but I'm still trying to feel optimistic that it can eventually work.

[joseb]

 

It's getting to the point where I feel like I'd be smothering her even if my intentions to communicate with her were to be strictly platonic.

 

I agree with this assessment.

You need to back off and not develop oneitis. You are becoming emotionally invested in something that isn't even happening. Go date some other girls.

 

I am surprised to hear she is going on blind dates so soon, not a great idea.

[Vercetti]

Everyone is different. I started dating a month after separation from a 15 year relationship / marriage. Honestly if the relationship was good it would not have ended. Not like things decay to that point over night. For me was only ticked at the gaul of disrespect and superficial plans for future ( more of the same have everything and still not happy ). I wasn't about to waste more time over someone. I did not need to discover myself. Did not need to figure out what wanted. Did not have to wonder where life was going. I was doing things for me, that included asking out a beautiful woman and moving to a new city.

 

If she is hurt, it's over dreams basically fantasy of a fake future with a person she did not really know. Long as your not looking to take advantage of her emotional state...you could be the person that gets her through a dark time quickly. Rebound maybe, fate and a foundation perhaps.

 

There is always risk. How would you feel if some other guy stepped up and she started a relationship with someone that did not suffer hesitation? Hell I was told my current wife was a rebound and I was just a boy toy for her...geee was a jealous ex from way back that tried to sabotage. Even my first wife, was told I needed a year to myself ( was crazy back then had to sort self out ). Yeah that first marriage failed after 15 years a son and lots of life progress. No regrets.

[joseb]

Everyone is different.

Agree, we forget this sometimes.

 

I wasn't about to waste more time over someone.

This is where I disagree - I don't see it as a waste of time at all to spend time single. For me, the best times of my life and where I have grown as a person have been when I've been single. I do agree that pining endlessly over someone is a waste of time.

 

Hell I was told my current wife was a rebound and I was just a boy toy for her...

Maybe you truly know yourself well enough, and didn't need the time. It's great it worked. But I'd wager for every story like this there are 99 ones that ended badly. But it's good to have a counterpoint.

 

In this case, I just feel if the OP keeps pushing her she will feel trapped by him. It's the vibe I get from what he has written.

Edited June 5, 2015 by joseb