12 months on- still think of him

[Mrs_AJ]

Dear all,

 

I'm almost ashamed to be writing this. It has been 12 months since I last saw my ex husband. My marriage lasted 10 months, half of that time we were separated. I married someone I was not compatible with, I married on the basis of lust and new love. I endured a lot of embarrassment, emotional abuse and lost myself very quickly. I made mistakes. I'm 30 years old, working medic.

 

It has been a year since I last saw him, since I last gave him a hug in a hotel room before he left. Since then we have emailed/sent text twice. The divorce was quick. There was no closure as he did not want to face me and talk. Today he is no longer part of my life.

 

Yet I still feel the effects of what happened a year ago. I still remember how he made me feel. I still get stuck in the mornings, and despite knowing and acknowledging that he was completely wrong for me I still sit there and think of him. Mostly of what he did, of what he said. Of why I chose to marry such a mismatch. And seeing his back turned towards me in bed, cutting me off.

 

I have spoken to other men since, I've even felt excited about one or two. But I haven't met someone I truly like yet.

 

I still look at his fb profile pic, more now than ever. I have blocked him on all my social media accounts and phone.

 

If you offered that he could sit right next to me right now in this moment and apologise and make it up to me I wouldn't want it. I sometimes feel it's not him- there is nothing special about him at all. I see that now. But the fantasy of my husband and marriage that never existed still haunts me.

 

I have moved on with my life. I'm doing well at work, I've travelled and made new friends. My divorce is a part of me, it does not define me.

 

What I need help with is- how do I stop looking at his pic and let go of the fantasy that never was? Why can't I seem to let go of this in my head and heart? I want to find my own closure, and despite feeling I had reached it several times in the past I can't help to think I'm stuck. Why else is this still on my mind?

Edited May 16, 2015 by Mrs_AJ

[LoveMyCat]

It can be difficult to accept that you were "wrong" about a person and/or relationship. Sometimes your brain gets stuck on the parts that were good, exciting, worthwhile, etc. instead of the reality of having (probably) made a hasty decision to marry an unsuitable person. Maybe you are trying to justify the marriage by remembering his positive qualities or the life you had imagined with him. Your marriage did not last long enough for you to really "come back to earth" and know him well enough to be logical about the split and see it as a mistake that can be put far behind you as you make a new life.

 

You don't really say much about what went wrong so quickly, or how you were incompatible.

 

Marriage is such a big step and in some ways ,divorce is still viewed as a "failure" of some kind, to some people. But finding out quickly that the marriage was not meant to be is a positive thing. You did not have children who would be subject to having ill-matched parents, or an early divorce. Seemingly, you are able to take care of yourself financially and make a life for yourself. If I were you, I would view the brief marriage as a lucky escape, and maybe even keep it private as you move forward, except from people you may meet who you know will be a part of your life for a long time to come.

 

I had a brief, youthful, "stupid" marriage...and almost none of my current friends even know about it. I was a different person then, we divorced (no kids, no,shared assets) and I have never seen or heard from or about him since in all these years, to the extent of not really knowing if he is even still alive. I feel,like that part of my life happened to someone I once knew vaguely. I married again almost ten years later and just recently separated after twenty years. The only reason my husband ever knew about that marriage was because his parents wanted us to have a big church wedding and as a divorced Catholic at the time, that was not really an option. Otherwise...not sure if I would have even told him. But that is up to you.

 

A year is not really an overly long time to "mourn" a relationship, unless it keeps you from being open to new ones. Good luck...when you meet a person you are really attracted to, you will be able to really move on.

[Mrs_AJ]

Thank you for your reply lovemycat. I never saw it like that. You're right in the sense that our marriage had just started and before I knew it it was over. I was still inlove with him when it ended. I went through a really rough time coping and had to seek therapy. My friends and family pulled me through and of course work.

 

We were incompatible. I feel now in hindsight that I had already failed the moment I married him and the divorce was a way out, there was an imbalance- I was working and he was a finalist in med school. I paid everything, wedding, honeymoon, rent and bills. He accepted all this but would use it against me in a very strange way( saying I thought I pulled the strings because I had paid). He was cruel to me on our honeymoon. He'd leave me at a table because he got mad about something, to this day I don't even know what, maybe a joke I made. He'd wake up in the hotel room with a foul mood and leave me crying. We lived apart as I was working in a city 3 hours away- he'd frequently refuse me to visit him if he was angry about something. It was horrible, the whole thing was a psychological warfare. This was due to emotional baggage he was carrying from his past I believe. He just couldn't be nice to me. Everything was harsh and hard. He would put me down and belittle me. He felt inferior and would let me feel small. He would not celebrate any of my achievements at all. I saw glimpses of this prior to marriage but he kept most of it hidden, subconsciously I believe.

 

My one mistake is that I hid a past relationship from him - he was already controlling and jealous when we were dating and I instinctively hid it. I lied to him and made up a story. I realised this was wrong and apologised profusely. He said he forgave me but he would then use it against me. I don't even know why I went ahead and married him but I think it's due to the fact that he made me feel less worthy and I wanted to prove something. If he loved me I felt I must be worthy and lovable. It was a total mess. I was never happy. He was toxic to me.

 

I don't tell people about my divorce. In fact a colleague from last year invited me to her wedding and asked me to bring my husband along. And she's a good friend. Only my family and closest friends know directly from me.

 

It's the fantasy that I haven't let go off, not reality. I wish to get to your stage where I don't know of him any longer. But I am obsessively looking at his profile pic and wondering why. Why I chose him, why I fell for his bull.

 

I have mourned the relationship that could have been but I don't feel it's the relationship I'm mourning any longer. I just can't put my finger on it. I've learnt a lot about myself and how to chose better. I am open to meeting someone new. And on a recent date I was so excited about the guy that I couldn't have given a toss about my ex.

 

Maybe you're right. Maybe it's when I meet the right guy that I will forget about my ex completely. I'm glad you moved on and loved your life the way you wanted to. I'm sorry to hear about toe seep ration.

[newmoon]

just stop looking at his stuff. it's easy. just STOP. don't sign on to facebook - delete your account, etc. take an active step to do something to stop the behavior you keep doing. you're giving this person your valuable time and energy, and for nothing in return. if you died tomorrow you've wasted precious time on this dude. what for? is he coming back? no. it's useless. when you finally do move on again the only thing you'll really regret is how long you let your feelings linger on. you're allowing this person way too much power and they aren't even in your life. make a real effort to stop looking and thinking about it. your writing is strong and intelligent, so you must be smart. you can do it!

[LifeNomad]

Block him on facebook. You have to be the one to remove yourself completely from this situation

[Mrs_AJ]

just stop looking at his stuff. it's easy. just STOP. don't sign on to facebook - delete your account, etc. take an active step to do something to stop the behavior you keep doing. you're giving this person your valuable time and energy, and for nothing in return. if you died tomorrow you've wasted precious time on this dude. what for? is he coming back? no. it's useless. when you finally do move on again the only thing you'll really regret is how long you let your feelings linger on. you're allowing this person way too much power and they aren't even in your life. make a real effort to stop looking and thinking about it. your writing is strong and intelligent, so you must be smart. you can do it!

 

Thanks newmoon. I've never been stuck like this before. I've managed to deal with the hurt and he emotional turmoil I went through. So much so that I think it has had positive effects on my life. No he's not coming back nor do I want him too. I'm glad and relieved I got an easy way out of it.

 

I have come a long way in one year. I need full closure and I will follow your good advice. I will stop looking him up and see it as a waste of my time and energy.

[Mrs_AJ]

Block him on facebook. You have to be the one to remove yourself completely from this situation

 

LifeNomad I completely agree. I think I was looking for someone to get me out of this situation but I need to do this last bit on my own. I need to make a conscious effort to cut off completely and stick to it. I'm allowing myself to keep an attachment to him for reasons unknown to me. I long for the day that I don't think of him and have trouble remembering his face.