Eternal Sunshine Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 I think that there is something to your theory. I was raised by strict, conservative, shy and modest parents. They both encouraged me never to speak until spoken to and to put other's needs above my own. No surprise that both me and my brother ended up with major confidence/self-esteem issues (they manifest differently, I am perpetually single while he is in constant long term relationships with the first person that shows an interest in him). My parents didn't do it out of malice, this was how children were raised in Eastern Europe. I have real problem with confidence/self promotion culture of the Western world.
carhill Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Your upbringing and how it affected your (lack of) dating life In my case it was probably a combination of religious schools and a father who didn't share enough about the horrors of his first wife, things I would only become aware of after his death when I was long an adult. In essence, he didn't share the 'other side' of women and I came to see them, and how to interact with them, based on the family example, one woefully inadequate for preparing me for the women of my generation. However, once I figured that out, probably mid-late 20's, he was already dead so I was left to figure out the solution on my own, and did. Meaner and keener and more cynical and less likely to turn the other cheek balanced out the empathy, care and easy-going aspects better and success improved. However, it's a life-long process, as slipping back into those early unhealthy habits can happen at any moment, even today. People need to *earn* that love and care, not be afforded it merely by existing. Repeat after me
misspond Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 I'm not sure about this one. Maybe I'm totally wrong... My parents have been married for 48 years - they had their problems but they worked through them. Now, they were not as open about relationships and sexuality as I hope to be with my children (not in a weird way, just in a more open and honest way) but they did laugh together a lot. And in that way they were honest in that i saw unhappiness and rows and happiness and laughter in equal measure. My issues are about me and how I feel about myself and I think I'm responsible for them. To explain further, I've always worked and earned my own money, I'm not curvy but think I'm awesome, I'm not beautiful but I'm attractive, I'm opinionated and I'm sociable, not flirty but open. Sometimes we need to own ourselves and just accept that we may not appeal to others unless we compromise and alter ourselves. This in essence is what "settling" is about. If I had settled for my ex's behaviour (which would have led me down a very dark path) then I would still be coupled. I didn't and now I'm single with two awesome kids. So maybe it's less about shifting the blame and more about realising that we have to make our own shifts in order to be compatible and happy with someone else? 1
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Its like their is a right of passage for guys but not for girls 1
WonderKid Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 My upbringing consisted of drugs, killing, alcohol, and abuse. I grew up seeing what a prostitute is, guns and what they "really" did. Drugs and what they "really" did. My mom has only two kids; me and my younger sister. And growing up, the guy she was first with, knew I wasn't his son, even though she never spoken of it. It was obvious. My features are strong and very different from his. Meanwhile, my sister wasn't the same. He treated her better than me. Which was funny because she wasn't his biologically neither. *shrugs* Then my mom got into her ex husband. He was an alcoholic and abuser. Guy was 6'6" and my mom is all of 5'0". One day I was 14 and got into an argument with him. He decided to "test his might". Got in my face and I stood toe-to-toe with him. He didn't hit me because he knew better. I would've killed him. But the thing that struck me, is that my mom defended him. That's when my respect for her went down. Despite growing up around all this, I am a different person. Witnessed my mom getting hit at 10 yrs old. But I'd never abuse a woman. Never resorted to drugs. I will drink a little though. But I am not an angry drunk. My mom taught me how to be a man, but in terms of thinking and processing like one was actually my own doing. It came natural. And I am still learning. I could not learn everything from her because she used emotion too much and her mental mindframe was dominated by her broken relationship. My aunts and cousins were all in broken relationships. And experiencing those things; I don't care for marriage much. Marriage is all in the mind and money, you can love a person without that. IMO My mom is a strong woman. Actually the strongest and most enduring that I know. What I learned in a few years is that I was trying to "date my mom". I could not date a woman who was timid, easily rattled, taking two steps forward and four steps back; and even the tiniest lack of confidence turned me off. It wasn't fair to any woman I wanted to date. The way I measured them up, they'd never have a chance. I don't think you should date your parents, but it is natural for you to take your parental upbringing into account. And after all, I found a woman I really care for and she is timid, introvert, lacks self-confidence, and grew up in a box. But opposites can attract. I always said that the rules of masculinity changes a lot every year. Whatever is accepting for women, that is what passes for men. Most women don't know what a man is because most weren't raised by one. So what's left? Television, reality TV, music industry, movies, etc. Just like for men. A guy who is raised without a father ends up learning from: music, gangs, athletic stars, violence etc In my years of high school, I learned quickly the rules of what's cool and what's not. It was all made subliminally by the girls. Because if you did even the slightest thing that was weird, goofy, or uncool to them, they'd pick you apart for it, and you can bet the other boys aren't going to invest it what you did. Also I never ask the "what do you look for in a man" question to the woman I was dating. 1
gaius Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 Nah, you can't blame everything on your parents. I bet I had a worse experience than you growing up and it left me with a ton of issues that have taken me a long time to work through, but you can do it if you really want to. =/ It takes time, effort and determination. The past may be on them but that part is on you. I've actually progressed to the point where I not only have a satisfying dating life but have recently gotten involved with a woman who makes me not want to flirt with other women. And I'm actually OK with that. Unless she misbehaves, then I'm going right back to it. 3
Shepp Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 At some point in your mid-20s whatever happened to you as a child stops being your parents fault. As an independent young adult it's your responsibility to fix whatever you think is wrong in your life. Get therapy. Go to college. Exercise. Stop talking to the dysfunctional members of your family but do something to change your life if you don't like it. Right! Your personality is your personality, I do believe that, but I also don't believe you should watch your life go in a downward spiral wile shrugging your shoulders and going 'not my fault'. I always remember my school drama teacher lecturing my (now) wife for something or other she'd done, and she quoted some quote from something or other, I cant remember it exactly but it was something like 'We can pity the child but not forever not if she stays that way', I was never a big fan of drama but that was probably the wisest thing I ever heard her say! She said like your not a that kid anymore, this is your life to do with what you want, and those choices are your own. Of course the environment you grow up in influences you but ultimately, its your life, your person, you can be or do anything you want, if your willing to work for it! 2
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 I know and I'm very aware that our past does not equal, dictate our future, it only does if we let it, but its not an overnight process, somethings from your past can have long-term repercussions that will take time to remove and fix
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 (edited) I agree with this -- after my mom divorced my dad when I was 3, she NEVER had guys around ever again (to this day even)... My Dad had girlfriends and stuff but my Mom always badmouthed him (he cheated on her), so it kinda messed up my perception of romantic relationships. I think it's important that kids are exposed to healthy relationships with affection, so they know what's normal. My parents never really encouraged me to seek out the opposite gender, and whenever my Cousin's would tease me when I liked a girl, I would be ashamed (even into my later teens) - whereas now I know it was perfectly normal. I didn't really get things figured out until I was 22. I'm 26 now and have a much better hold on things, but I'm far from perfect. Parents can really screw their kids up in dating if they don't know what they're doing... I grew up a bit sheltered and ended up being a late bloomer because of it. My sister was a late bloomer as well... She didn't have a relationship until she was into her 20s. At some point in your mid-20s whatever happened to you as a child stops being your parents fault. As an independent young adult it's your responsibility to fix whatever you think is wrong in your life. Get therapy. Go to college. Exercise. Stop talking to the dysfunctional members of your family but do something to change your life if you don't like it. Yes this is true.. It's kind of what I'm doing (except cutting ties with my family because they're fine). However it still puts you at a huge disadvantage, you're far behind everyone else at your age. Edited May 18, 2015 by barcode88
darkmoon Posted May 18, 2015 Posted May 18, 2015 (edited) an absent father, this scarred me for most of my life, never could feel worthy of a man, or trust them, once i got to thirty, my confidence came, i'd had dates and loves, i realized was worthy, boo hoo, i was half a person, undeserving, that is my true story, life behind a wall Edited May 18, 2015 by darkmoon
WonderKid Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 I discovered myself at 16 I believe. I started doing better in school so I can move out of their house. That all didn't happen until 21. But I always followed that you shouldn't blame everything on the past. Because you also have to be held accountable for the choices you made. 1
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 I don't remember if I mentioned this already or not, but it seems if a person grows up being spoiled by their parents, it has a worse affect on guys than it does on girls.
JohnsonBaby Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 My mother used to beat me for every little thing ,sometimes encouraged me without actually expecting me to do well .Both of my parents are critical and pessimistic ,argue all the time . I m very social, mildly confident ,charming and successful in attracting people .So no i don't agree with your conclusion.
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 My mother used to beat me for every little thing ,sometimes encouraged me without actually expecting me to do well .Both of my parents are critical and pessimistic ,argue all the time . I m very social, mildly confident ,charming and successful in attracting people .So no i don't agree with your conclusion. about being spoiled?
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Do you think its more difficult for parents to raise sons than it is to raise daughters?
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 I know for a fact if parents spoil their children, don't give them enough or no responsibility growing up, it has a worse effect on guys than it does on girls
GravityMan Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 There are no absolutes when it comes to what "affects" your dating life. That includes upbringing, environment, genetics and on and on. Unless you're a professional scientist or researcher in some relevant field, I'd advise against spending much time thinking about this stuff. That said, I do think that for many people, their childhood did influence the way they carried themselves as adults. Sometimes the influences are minor or subtle; other times they are overt. Depending on what particular characteristics of the mother and/or father "rubbed off" on the kid...it could affect their adult dating life either favorably or unfavorably. For example, perhaps the boy got his charisma and his sharp wit from his dad, and that definitely helped in attracting girls and women. Another example - the girl had parents who were overprotective and rarely allowed her to go out and play...so she spent most of her after-school time in her bedroom watching TV or doing homework. I.E. sheltered life. She didn't overcome her shyness during high school like many other kids do, and she had difficulty bonding with her peers...thus she never dated in HS or college and rarely had friends. OTOH, sometimes upbringing can have the opposite influence. Perhaps the kid grew up in an abusive household. Even though he was never explicitly taught right-from-wrong when it comes to treatment of others, he still clearly senses the hate and the oppressiveness in the household, and still knows that what his parents are doing is wrong. One day he vows that he's NOT gonna be like them and that he's going to get away from them as soon as it's feasible. That helped him become a very likable, friendly young adult in college and he had a very good dating life and multiple happy long-term relationships. Even as kids, people are generally capable of thinking and making decisions for themselves, and that can supersede any outside influence. Some kids are just gonna be the way they are, regardless of how their parents tried to raise them. Also, most of us go through a phase between the ages of 18 and 25 where we try to unlearn some things that we realize aren't good for us. Even loving, intelligent, well-intentioned parents can give advice or do things that may have made perfect sense in THEIR generation, but are obsolete or even inappropriate or offensive in the CHILD's generation. Times change, society changes, there are cultural shifts. Back to influence..."childhood" doesn't merely comprise parents. The kid's environment (e.g. ghetto, upscale neighborhood, middle-class suburb, etc.) can also be an influence. So can school, particularly how he's treated by his peers and his teachers. A kid who gets picked on (or worse, outright bullied) a lot may eventually develop some anti-social tendencies, which will likely hurt his dating opportunities as he grows up. OTOH, the kid may eventually start standing up for himself, turn the tables on the loser bullies, stop letting them get under his skin, and start commanding respect. Major confidence boost. That will help his future dating life. Lastly, it's wrong to blame one's parents or school or whatever on the way you turned out. It's not like they can "fix" it. There's a good chance that the parents harbor no ill-will, and raised you the way they did simply because that's what they know...perhaps their own parents raised them the same way. Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for yourself and your actions. OK, so you grew up to be shy. Well then, quit whining and get your ass up and go do something to try and overcome your shyness. Pointing fingers is childish and immature. Stop living in the past...you are currently faced with "now", and you have a long future ahead of you. So get over yourself.
misspond Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 Lastly, it's wrong to blame one's parents or school or whatever on the way you turned out. It's not like they can "fix" it. There's a good chance that the parents harbor no ill-will, and raised you the way they did simply because that's what they know...perhaps their own parents raised them the same way. Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for yourself and your actions. OK, so you grew up to be shy. Well then, quit whining and get your ass up and go do something to try and overcome your shyness. Pointing fingers is childish and immature. Stop living in the past...you are currently faced with "now", and you have a long future ahead of you. So get over yourself. Well said. Live in the now and be responsible for yourself. 1
dyna85 Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 My parents didn't show much affection toward one another. Not sure if this could have contributed to some intimacy issues I have. I absolutely love intimacy behind closed doors, but am not one for PDA at all. I feel very uncomfortable with PDA.... kissing in crowded places, sitting on a guy's lap in front of friends.... no no no, not for me. I also sometimes feel weird giving affection without it being initiated. Like, if another person takes control, I'm more apt to open up and let my guard down, but I sometimes struggle with taking the initiative with intimacy. I have some fears. My parents used to argue frequently, and had different communication styles--my mom being very impassioned and my dad being the silent type, and I've definitely seen this pattern in my relationships with me getting all emotional and the guy being kind of emotionless and quiet...and it revs me up like it does with my mom, when my dad is being that way.
SLee Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 I think it's different for everyone, but it definitely relates to me. I grew up with a very high strung emotional mother and a very quiet, stoic dad. Both are great parents and great people. I'm an even mix of both my parents traits. I'm very emotional as a person, but because I've seen my mom's relationships be impacted by how she makes emotional decisions, I leaned towards being more like my dad and kept it all pent inside. My parents were also never very physically affectionate. Not a lot of hugging or anything in my house, just how we worked. Not a ton of vocal stuff either like "I love you" or stuff like that. We're also of Eastern European descent where that kind of thing doesn't happen as much in our family. I got a boyfriend who's very emotional and comes from a household that is always hugging and saying "I love you" and that's how he is too. It was very, very jarring and felt incredibly overwhelming for me. I also held back my emotions too much. Fortunately, these things about myself are fixable. It's about finding a balance.
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 I wonder why do people disagree that the way a guys upbringing, social-factors, parental upbringing and childhood social experiences have a bigger impact on how his dating life/sex life is gonna be than the other way around?
Recommended Posts