highsandlows90 Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 My boyfriend and I have been on and off since 2010. He has broken up with me 3 times while I have never broken up with him. To be fair, the first time I kind of deserved it (I was really needy). The other times he was going through mental health issues. But either way - all of those break ups were devastating to me. We got back together almost a year ago. The time between the last break up and when we got back together was about 9 months. During that time, I tried contacting him but he wouldn't reply - until he finally replied last June. Like I said before, this break up was really hard on me and I felt really bad about myself because I couldn't believe he left me again. I hooked up with a guy on the outskirts of my friend group (meaning I'm not great friends with him, but I have good friends who are) 2 times during those 9 months. My relationship with my boyfriend now is solid... EXCEPT that he can't get over the fact that I slept with that guy. My bf wanted to know if I had been with anyone and I was honest with him (so he had known about it before we even officially got back together). I have no feelings for that guy - at the time, both he and i were kind of using each other to feel better about being single, lonely, and hurt by our exes. I have never not loved my current boyfriend. However, my bf gives me so much sh** for hooking up with this guy. He is still in a lot of pain about it and makes me feel really bad about it. It sucks because all the other parts of our relationship are so good. What makes me mad is that my bf has hurt me and betrayed me multiple times in the past but I have always forgiven him and put the past behind us despite the hell I experienced during each of those break ups, but it seems like he cannot do the same for me. It's like his pain is worth more than my pain. What should I do?
BC1980 Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 I don't see how a relationship can be solid when one person has been dumped 3 times in 5 years. That sounds anything but solid. If I were you, I would have zero trust that this guy would not dump you again. You are obviously still hurt that he left you 3 times (rightly so), so you can't really say you have put the past in the past. I honestly don't see how you could get over being left 3 times. That seems pretty difficult for anyone. As for you having sex with someone after he dumped you, that's something he will have to decide if he can move past. It's understandable if he can't, but it's not on you to make him move past it. There's nothing you can do on that account. My best advice. End this relationship, and FINALLY move on. He's likely to leave you again. The real issue isn't the fact that you slept with someone else when you were apart. The issue is that this is a rocky on again, off again relationship. It's probably been beyond saving a long time ago. I don't think I would be overly concerned with how to help him move past you sleeping with someone else when he left you 3 times. I just wouldn't invest anymore time in this. 3
jen1447 Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 This relationship sounds a little scary to me too, but on the question of what to do about him giving you sh*t, I'd sit him down some day and tell him he gets a chance to air it out one final time, listen to him and don't argue or defend yourself, and when he's done tell him that's the last it's going to be discussed and you don't want to hear about it anymore. If he can't let it go and keeps on or insinuates it in, sh*t can him.
Author highsandlows90 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Posted May 17, 2015 I broke up with him because he kept being mean and not showing me respect. But still... I feel so awful. All I want in the world is to have our good times back. I feel like I won't meet anyone again. 2
elaine567 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 I broke up with him because he kept being mean and not showing me respect. But still... I feel so awful. All I want in the world is to have our good times back. I feel like I won't meet anyone again. I remember reading on this forum about a woman who spent seven years with a man waiting for the good times they had in the first year they were together to come back. They never came back and she wasted 7 years of her life. YOU and he, are just not meant to be. He is putting you down here, he doesn't love you, he in effect used you and is now blaming you for seeing another man after HE dumped you. Unbelievable. He is dragging you into his disordered thinking here. Go NC, heal and move on. 3
jen1447 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 I broke up with him because he kept being mean and not showing me respect. But still... I feel so awful. All I want in the world is to have our good times back. I feel like I won't meet anyone again. Good work. Don't worry, you'll be fine. Everyone always is.
spiderowl Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 I think you should stand up to your boyfriend and tell him he has no right to criticise you or blame you for hooking up with someone else after he had dumped you. What did he expect you to do? Sit and pine for him? He is being irrational. Yes, I can understand that although it's not reasonable, he still has these feelings of jealousy and anguish, but he has to learn to get over them and not blame you. He should seek therapy. It seems he is trying to control you by dumping you when he feels like it then blaming you for your behaviour when in the dumpee's state. Whatever he's doing, he's trying to make YOU feel bad. Why exactly do you want to stay with this guy?
No Limit Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Your ex's ego is just hurt because he's a selfish idiot. Tell him to get over himself and dump him, what a kindergarden. 1
Meli22 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Tell him to get over it. Seriously, don't let him make you feel bad for something that happened when you guys were apart because HE didn't want you. I've been there before, my ex hated my past. Tough s***, I didn't know you existed then.
jen1447 Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Good news - she already dumped him. I broke up with him because he kept being mean and not showing me respect. 1
darkmoon Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 i think he goes on about it as a tactic, just to keep you feeling not good, he must like power, arguing, control, he is back but crappy way to immature to marry, find a nice guy 1
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